Overwhelmed lawyer toddler mum

[serialplanner]

Just a standard rant if anyone can relate.

I feel so sad today! Hormonal, but sad!

I work for a city law firm. Everything is so urgent and high pressured. It does not need to be! I am not a litigator or anything remotely important! I just work with such academic personalities where work is everything to them.

I have a 2yo. I don't want to miss bedtimes and work late.

The tricky thing is, our economy is to shit so I need my salary and I don't know what I could do that makes me £70k a year for 4 days a week work.

I know this is such a privileged rant. Please don't attack me but if you are a mum in a high stress job feeling like you can't do anything right it would be nice to know I'm not alone. I broke down in tears this morning because my boss was chasing me on something, I was trying to clear some emails so I could take my daughter out and forget about work for a few hours but as 2yos do she would not stop going on and it tipped me over the edge. I have felt suicidal before (I will not harm myself but you just get to a point of WHAT IS THE POINT)

I don't want that to happen again. I'm struggling. I don't know what to do right now and with the bigger picture.

I know you won't have the answers. I'm just desperate and confused xxxx

I'm so thankful for the replies. Mothers are awesome. Look at you all replying to me whilst dealing with your own stuff. You've changed my day. I have to sleep now but I am very motivated to check out other roles. I'm 9 years pqe so it is a good time for a change or break.

I'm buzzing off how a bunch of strangers on the internet validated my feelings and motivated me. Going to bed much lighter.

Sending love to anyone else reading this who needed it too x

I’m a litigator. Currently on mat leave with DC2, and went down to four days after I returned from mat leave with DC1.

You’ve had some good answers so there’s not much more to add, but wanted to say I completely understand. It is so so tough. I am exhausted all the time, and I am just grateful that most of the time, my non working day is respected, which means I get time to spend with DC to make up for the stress of the week.

It is tough, and I expect I’ll move in house at some point.

As well as GLD look at regulators - not just government ones but professional ones. That's how I got into a new area of law. And your pay seems low to me - all my team are on £100k plus in house.

Thanks for clarifying! I am former local gov and was really scratching my head trying to work out what "head of megalithic and chin officer" meant!

Go in house. Soooooo cushty.

Totally public sector. I'm a litigator and thrive on stress but god the toddler years were hard. I'm public sector and have just gone back to full time after a range of pt roles. It's less pay but the flexibility of certain roles has been amazing plus I've loved the work and teams. I reckon you could find good in house work too as I have friends who have had good experience of this. I'm not saying parts of it haven't felt brutal (I still struggle with recalling the horror of concurrent home schooling and remote hearings) but it's balanced with lots of good.

Echo this - move into public sector. Even as a locum where pay is okay actually. Stress is far less- made the move a few years ago and no regrets

Oh and so glad to hear that talking has helped. Loads of us lawyer mums juggling multiple plates but really do consider public sector - I think it will really help you with the stress. Lots of luck

I'm government legal and we get 70k, work load is very manageable and completely flexible. Never any issue in taking time off (paid), if child is ill etc. totally trusted to do the job -managers don't clock watch. Most people don't work more than 9-5, although can get busier at peak periods (like Covid/Brexit), but at other times significantly quieter. I have four children and very manageable work life balance. I never miss any school events and always home for children's supper etc

I set up on my own and last year earned what I was on when I left the City.

Lawyer here too, I left last year for an in-house tax lawyer role. I have great flexibility and only work late when I've stopped early to look after DS. Very happy and still paid the same (my personal hourly rate is probably far better!!)

My friends have to gone to HMRC, PSL, Risk/SRA regulation roles, Big4, Family Offices, banks, regional firms and general in house roles.

Good luck!!

Look at accountancy firms OP. Outside of the big four they often have cultures of a better work life balance. The pay is comparable to a law firm and they can have tax or legal departments that need private client lawyers.

This resonates so much with me. I'm not a lawyer but work as a SM in a Big 4 in deals tax. I'm officially part time (3 days a week) but I never finish on time and log on most evenings (and weekends) to keep up with workload. This week I've worked an extra 12 hours over my contracted hours.

The whole reason for being part time was for me to enjoy my time with my young toddler and I'm missing out and my life is so unbalanced.

I don't have time to do a proper food shop let alone practice any form of self care whatsoever!

Government legal or an in house role may be better at actually sticking to your working hours. If you are being chased by your boss on a Saturday then in reality you are working more than four days a week.

It's not just law - I think once you hit lots of jobs £80k up you end up with massive demands not compatible with spending time with kids. It doesn't get easier post toddler - school hours often shorter, they want to do more extra curricular etc Teens are needy in other ways. That's why lots women change jobs. We are way off true equality.
Look up 'Women in the Law'.
Network supporting women.
Podcasts, Twitter etc

It's not rude at all! It's helpful! Which is part of my annoyance at work they expect so much and they think they we are greedy millennials money wise but we should all be on at least £20k more!

The good thing for me now my brain is thinking to escape is that I only need £70k and if I can do 5 days compressed hours outside of private practice that will probably balance out the pay drop (I work 4 days now)

Oh I see! Thank you!

And well done for choosing you x

I left my City job for this reason and am now very happy as a government lawyer. Pay isn’t as high as the City but work life balance is great and the pension is excellent too. Lots of City escapees here.

I pressed on, got partnership, but then burnt out. I am now out of City law and self-employed. The money has dipped but I hope that will get better as I get more established.

Thank you all so v much. I've just gone through and extracted all of the suggestions as a list to check out - every reply is appreciated.

I was asked about a role for a company a month or so ago but I persuaded myself to hang around until financial year end-any possible bonus and maybe decide about mat leave but maybe I need to ignore those things and get out now/sooner?

Choose your sanity over work related timelines?!

Hello, solidarity over here!! You’re all very strong and doing amazingly.

I moved in-house in 2020 and my first in-house role was crazy long hours but my second in-house role is a walk in the park. I also have a toddler and I was in a US law firm when I had my older kid. So I get it.

OP I hope things get easier. One thing to mention is that at 9 PQE you’ve established yourself for sure and you’ve done your time in pp. you can offer so much to an in-house employer as mostly they expect people to work autonomously.

I’m impressed at how so many of you have managed to work 4 day weeks. I’m in a transactional role so 4 days doesn’t really work.

i would like to be able to take a year off to spend time with my kids but my husband is out of work so it isn’t really an option. Can we list out the benefits of working mums to children please to ease the pain?!

have a lovely evening. X

Try an in-house role, still well paid but 9-5. Not all are low stress but a lot are and better hours. Also you work with normal human beings not psychopathic workaholics. And the work is often more varied and interesting.

In my first in house role everyone would be gone by ten past five. I was still there at 5.30pm and the security guard came to check if there was anyone still there before he locked the building, and wondered if I was ok!

@Mimiah It's not like that outside of the Big 4. You could get a much much much better work/life balance if you moved out. What's keeping you there?

@serialplanner could have written this too. I've only been back three months after Mat leave and hoping it feels better soon. Not a lawyer but work for an investment back and late hours are expected. I just feel like I can't do either role well enough.

Hope it gets better for you.