Overwhelmed lawyer toddler mum

[serialplanner]

Just a standard rant if anyone can relate.

I feel so sad today! Hormonal, but sad!

I work for a city law firm. Everything is so urgent and high pressured. It does not need to be! I am not a litigator or anything remotely important! I just work with such academic personalities where work is everything to them.

I have a 2yo. I don't want to miss bedtimes and work late.

The tricky thing is, our economy is to shit so I need my salary and I don't know what I could do that makes me £70k a year for 4 days a week work.

I know this is such a privileged rant. Please don't attack me but if you are a mum in a high stress job feeling like you can't do anything right it would be nice to know I'm not alone. I broke down in tears this morning because my boss was chasing me on something, I was trying to clear some emails so I could take my daughter out and forget about work for a few hours but as 2yos do she would not stop going on and it tipped me over the edge. I have felt suicidal before (I will not harm myself but you just get to a point of WHAT IS THE POINT)

I don't want that to happen again. I'm struggling. I don't know what to do right now and with the bigger picture.

I know you won't have the answers. I'm just desperate and confused xxxx

Honestly it sounds like you're trying to do too much on the parenting front on your working days. If you're working 4 days pw (which I've done as a lawyer) then I'd recommend your DH does pick up & bedtime 1x or 2x a week so you can have full days in the office without the pressure of leaving for bedtime. Ideally you can make some social plans for the evening or just work late, but carve out that time for yourself. You'll see your DC loads on the other evenings and weekends, plus your non-working day.

Yes, I do this. Tuesdays are mine to do whatever I want. DH is 100% responsible for everything that day, logistics, food for DC (planning and cooking), bedtime, getting stuff ready for next day. I go into the office, and use the evening to work late. It makes a huge difference to keeping on top of my workload. I tend just to grab light food at work. If I happen not to have work to do then I can meet friends but that’s rare tbh. DH also does pickup on another day but that day I aim to be home/logged off in time to share bed time duties.

Can you move out, regional firm, cheaper house? You would surely be snapped up.

Contact some agencies - seriously they will get you into good LA jobs or central govt - you will be snapped up! Good luck!

Hi just to add senior lawyer roles at Government Legal Dept are now live - search on civil service jobs

Thank you so much! I missed a bloody teams call about the roles last night as I was dealing with current job's emails BOOO

Good luck to anyone applying. X

Hi there, wondering how everyone is getting on? I am an overwhelmed lawyer mum at the moment and was looking for a friendly ear! I am a contractor currently on a role at a bank and it’s been quite full on. The environment isn’t the most supportive - they’re quite competitive and irritable if I have questions. Feels like I’m failing both at work and as a mum. Childcare is crazy expensive and I just think what’s it all for. The benefit of contracting though is the fact that I can indeed break up the year and do 6 months, have a gap and work again. The downside is that people see me (I think) as dispensable and they’re not wiling to invest as much in the relationship. They’re not all bad - just one person in particular but it’s got me quite down this week. Anyway I hope everyone is doing alright with the juggle xox

Hello @VictoriaMum323

When I posted this I was at a peak. In this year's appraisal, I took control and decided what I think is too much work and I have just stopped being so invested. I still work hard and I care about my clients etc but allowing that level of stress has stopped. It helps I had some leave which meant I had to hand over my files so I had a fresh start all round! I stopped volunteering for some extra things too. It might not last but I am significantly happier! I also got a big pay rise which makes it more worth it when I do have to log on and allowed us to do things to make our lives easier at home like a cleaner etc. as well the usual noce family things

I explored non law firm roles and found three but decided money, mat leave and benefits are needed for now. Just more on my terms (hope I don't jinx myself here!)

The environment doesn't sound nice. I am sure you are not failing but simply not in a supportive environment to thrive. Law can be the pits for parents! The pressure to fit so much in a day is wild.

How young are your children?

Sorry about the one person - there's always a mean one. Normal reflective of their sad lives. Can you manage it?

I haven't contracted before so I can't appreciate all the benefits but I definitely vote happiness if that means a perm job with nice people.

The juggle continues xxx

I have moved roles since the thread started to more of a non client facing support role for a big US firm. I'm still doing legal work but more project based and in the background rather than all the stressful bits of the transaction. I'm now no longer in a position to move towards partnership but could progress to director of my division in time which is fine by me as I have no interest in making partner.

I actually got a decent pay rise for moving and have switched to working 5 days instead of 4 as I was routinely working on my NWD but without the pay. I had a partner put a call in at 8.30am during the school run and I just said no as it clashes with school drop off - I'm determined to maintain better boundaries in this new role.

I think law will always be stressful as the client demand is so high but ultimately no job is worth sacrificing your mental health for. Sometimes simply saying no and holding the line can make a huge difference. Hope it all goes well for you.

Look at local.government / civil service roles. Friends who have worked in thise sectors in law all say its a much better family life balance.

Otherwise outsource as much as you can afford to and look into a career change or stick it out past toddlerhood I think it's then manageable.

Echo this. I moved to an in house role that was nothing to do with my previous experience. It’s definitely a lot more about organisational fit, business sense, and for many in house roles (obvs not all) solid general legal skillset.

So many women sell themselves short because of not being 100% convinced they will absolutely know how to do all of a new job on day one but the reality is nobody can do that, ever. Law firm perfectionism ethos doesn’t help.

One other thing - you don’t necessarily need to take a crazy pay cut moving in house, certainly not at the level you are currently paid.

Look after yourself. Solicitor life can be grim.

Oh no! I didn’t realise the thread was so old, I’m an idiot.

Anyway - I’ll leave that there in case it’s helpful for anyone else to hear an escape story…!

No, you're fine. Someone else recently replied. Hopefully it helps a future stressed mum! X

Thank you ladies! This is really helpful. I do feel better already having been able to unload on people who get it! I do have lovely caring people in real life but nobody who is in the same boat. I think unless you’re a lawyer it’s very hard to really understand it all

@serialplanner that’s great that you’ve managed to steer things so that it’s more manageable whilst also retaining all the benefits of having a well paid career like outsourcing what you can.

as I don’t want to out myself I will be vague but my youngest is a toddler and older ones are around the age 10 and 5 marks.

the contracting role has been better this week.

I have played with the idea of taking a year or two out particularly as my eldest is almost in secondary school so now is a busy time but whichever way I look at it, keeping my foot in the door as a lawyer is beneficial. It is always better in my view to keep up the experience as it’s just going to get harder to find a permanent role if I sit out too long.. maybe I’m wrong !

Hello! I realise this is a fairly old thread that I had reignited not so long ago but as this is the only place on mumsnet that has gathered a few lawyer mums, I thought I would come here to seek some views if I may!

I used to have a really good in-house job in another country. I relocated back to England a while ago and since then I have been taking on contract roles in the main as I have found it challenging to secure a permanent position. These contracting roles have been with good financial institutions and mostly through law firm consulting arms (think a competitor of Ashurst Reach). I have found it very difficult to find a permanent position somewhere so the contracting thing has been my fall back. Nothing wrong with contracting as a career if that’s what someone wants but for me it’s not my ideal set up. I really want to be a part of a company / a team longer term and to be treated as such.

Anyway - I have been offered a new role somewhere which is for a 12 month maternity cover. My child will be starting school in September 2025 so I only have a certain number of months of them being off school and my eldest is at the age of 11+ prep. The daily rate for this role is ok but nothing so special. My Q is whether it’s even worth taking the job. I guess it’s quite hard to comment without knowing the exact details but IS it worth it to work and be away from the kids when it’s just a contract role.. the quality of work will be good. I will be challenged and stretched out of my comfort zone - I could see this as an investment in my career basically. On the other hand to spend all this time away from my kids when it’s a special time in their lives for something that isn’t even permanent…

by way of background, I have always worked full time. Always. Since I had my first child ten years ago. I was on a very good salary in my previous country (as an expat) with low tax but I took a step back when I relocated back home to London and one way of looking at this is that if I carry on working, I can build myself back up and re-establish myself as a strong lawyer in London and hopefully then be more likely to command a good salary somewhere permanent if you see what I mean. Whereas if I take some time out then it will be more challenging to pick back up again?

the new role is an in-house job so it shouldn’t be too crazy in terms of hours.

what would you do?

husband is working but I wouldn’t say his job is super stable. It’s also a contract role also as a lawyer.

i realise there are many unknowns but any views from lawyer mums or mums in similar environments even if it’s not law are very much appreciated!! Thank you

It's a tricky one isn't it. Usually a huge chunk of money or a gain in flexibility helps you confirm it is all worth it. A stetch in your career is also valid.

Personally, I would pick stability. A job of some kind will always be available but starting school and going through tough exams won't. However, you sound more ambitious and focused than me.

My view doesn't mean it is right. The right thing is what works for you and your family. If you want the chance to explore it, do it. Is the worst case scenario that you hand your notice in and find a new contract? At least then you know you tried it. Depends on your personality.

"Not deciding is deciding"

Happy to chat more if you want to share more context (without giving yourself up!) x

@serialplanner thank you, really appreciate this honest view! Yes it’s certainly tough. I think I just constantly fear that we are not going to have enough money to help the children financially with extras in the future if I don’t keep my foot in the door. Having interviewed so much in various places I can see how tough it is out there. Surely if it’s tough now it’s only going to be tougher after a year out. Hard to say I know..

Oh I see. Do you mean to take the role while you can because your existing is coming to an end? Or are you just switching?

@serialplanner agreed that there isn’t any harm in leaving after giving it a go, yes.

@serialplanner my current role is coming to an end.

So my choice now is to take some time out or take this new role

Just thinking practically, if you have already been working full time your youngest shouldn't notice you in a new role? And if you start it soon you have time to settle before your youngest actually starts school? Rather than having to commit to a whole year out.

Sorry if I am missing something here via text x

@serialplanner thank you, yes absolutely- you’re right. Kids are used to me working full time. I am wondering though if I should take the opportunity to pause in light of the current stages of my kids’ lives. It’s a hard one. If law was more flexible then I would absolutely pick a 3 day week. However this 5 day full time thing with a long commute 3 days a week has me sat on the tube feeling guilty often.

I had been discussing with a group of non-lawyers that I had a nanny and basically was told that the kids are only young once etc etc and I shouldn’t be outsourcing so much and it’s made me think I should revisit things.

No advice but similar situation. Husband is also a lawyer. He really enjoys his job, I kind of fell in to it now trapped by the money.

My son is 20 months old and honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been happy as a lawyer but until I had him I don't think I realised.

Returning from mat leave, I lasted six weeks before being signed off with anxiety. It was just too much trying to work and parent, especially with my husband's role being so demanding and travel etc. It's given me time to reflect and I'm not doing this for the rest of my working life. It's not worth my health or missing out on family time. We want another baby so I'm going to try and make do until I have another mat leave under my belt then look for a KDL/PSL role or go in-house. Husband is hopefully going to be a partner next year which will give us a bit of financial freedom to let me consider my options which he's on board with.