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Original poster

My baby dad / partner refuses to work.

160 replies

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 00:51

So abit of back ground - my partner and I , 21&24 have been together almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old daughter together. I fell pregnant very quickly at the start of our relationship.

My partner has always been abit lazy, was not bothered about working as he lived with his mum at the time and had no bills to pay. If we wanted something he'd have the odd cash here & there or I just paid for it.

Fast forward to now, he moved in with me just after our daughter was born, we live in my mums house and she's a live in au pair so isn't home very often. In the last 7 months, he has worked for a total of 5 weeks, the last time he worked was in October so hasn't been paid a thing since November. I'm really starting to struggle financially and he shows no interest in getting a job. He's very content with staying at home as long as there's food on the table & he can look after out daughter and go to football. I'm still on maternity pay so I'm really starting to struggle to cover rent plus the needs of my daughter, him & I, plus also spending a little on myself from time to time.

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

But nevertheless I can't carry on like this: how do I go about this? I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore. I've tried the route of helping him if it's his mental health, but he doesn't want me to, he says every week he's going to find a job the following, but obviously that never happens, his friends, his brother & the family members that he does keep in contact with have all tried to help him but he won't accept any of it. But the worst part of it all is he sl*gs my friends off that haven't got jobs and are stay at home mums when he doesn't even have a job himself!! I think it's extreme denial and embarrassment.

He has his online banking in my phone ( with his permission ) and we needed bank statements, he printed things out over the past 4 years and I saw that this has been going on ever since he's been able to work, he's just lazy.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much, and in that case I'd really struggle without his hands on help. But I can't carry on like this anymore, every time I mention something it turns into an argument and he's always so moody in the morning if I wake him up early. He doesn't sleep great & o really have tried to support him mentally but he won't accept mine nor anyone else's help so I'm beginning to not feel sorry for him in this situation anymore.

He couldn't even afford to buy our daughter nappies / wipes if I asked him to.

Please help. TIA X

OP posts:
Passingthethyme · 13/01/2024 00:54

Get rid of him, he's probably glad he got you pregnant as he thought he'll get a free ride for life. You deserve better and your daughter deserves a better role model (unless of course you want to go back to work and he becomes a SAHD with all the hard work it entails, but given he's lazy that doesn't seem like an option). Dump him.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/01/2024 00:57

You're a mug and he knows it.

He needs to leave.

TheBeesKnee · 13/01/2024 00:58

I guess win the lottery?

Meadowfinch · 13/01/2024 01:06

You absolutely can kick him out. He's a freeloader and will bring you down.

I have a married friend. Her husband resigned when their ds was 5 and hasn't worked since. My friend tolerated this, she carried on working, he stayed at home, did school run and played golf in between. She did all shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. After 5 years of him doing nothing, the marriage failed and she wanted a divorce.

He told her that he was primary carer, he would go for full custody, he wanted half the house, half her pension despite doing very little. He'd also want spousal maintenance etc.

Don't be a fool. Kick him out now. If he's worth the bother, he will get a job and fight to stay in his child's life. I bet he doesn't.

Whatever you do, don't marry him.

ManHereSorry · 13/01/2024 01:08

Can your dad not have a word with him and shake him up?

Hermittrismegistus · 13/01/2024 01:13

If you're not prepared to kick him out then there is nothing you can do. Just accept the bed you've made for yourself.

WristCandy · 13/01/2024 01:19

I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore.

You are infantilising him. He is not a helpless child so why would he end up on the street? He would have to make some changes. You are just enabling his laziness right now.

mamacorn1 · 13/01/2024 01:22

Effectively he has gone from
mooching off his mother to
mooching off you. He is not going to change. It’s not getting better here.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/01/2024 01:24

"Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children."

Grow a damned spine and kick this fucker out now. It isn't your problem if he has nowhere to go. Don't be such an absolute door mat.

crumblingschools · 13/01/2024 01:27

Tell him he has to buy his own food, does he have a phone contract (if so how does he pay for it), how does he afford football? Basically don’t give him any money or do anything for him

caringcarer · 13/01/2024 01:33

He is taking the food out your DC mouth. I'd tell him straight you either apply to an agency, as they will find a job for him, and are working by January 31st or you leave and don't live here anymore. Tell him you can carry the load for your DC but can't carry his load too. He must do that for himself. If you don't you and your DC will have a miserable life. He's a father now he needs to step up his game. If you made him leave he'd find another sucker to support him. It's what he does.

minou123 · 13/01/2024 01:46

If I come across as snippy, I apologise, I just get so cross when I read posts like this.

He's not going to change.

Why would he?
Women in his life have always covered financially for him. First his mother, now you.

I'm not saying this is your fault.
The issue is, there is no magical advice any of us can give you that'll make him suddenly go out and get a job.

He hasn't just fallen from the sky, he is an adult, he knows things cost money, bills, food, clothes, phone, nappies, toys.
He knows this, but he also knows you are there to sort that all out.

All he has to do is occasionally pitch in with a couple of weeks work to keep you off his back and then he can go back to normal - until the next time you get cross about it.

You really only have 2 options:
1 Accept this is how its going be. You are now responsible for the the family finances.
2 End this relationship. He is an adult, where he goes is his responsibility. Your concern is your child.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 01:52

Thanks for all your response. I think I needed the harsh reality. I just really struggle with feeling sorry for people and I worry greatly for his mental health as he didn't have a great childhood. I'm making excuses for him know, but whenever I tell him to leave he says he's going to commit suicide and I can't deal with that. As for the person that asked about my father, my dad isn't in my life but if he was he certainly wouldn't have any of this. You're all right - I have no backbone with him and I don't know why, I've never been with anyone like this before and if I had of been in the past I would of left

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 13/01/2024 02:13

A “partner” saying they will commit suicide if you leave is a tell tell sign of emotional abuse.
threatening you to stay isn’t love.
Kick him to the curb- he’s under 25 so he can get help from youth homeless teams if he needs to find somewhere to live.

Are you claiming UC whilst on maternity leave? Does the child benefit go to you?

Passingthethyme · 13/01/2024 02:17

OK, just saw your update re him threatening to commit suicide. This guy is completely playing you for a fool. I'd put money on it if you split up, he'll be back with his mum then do this with another person. Honestly you need to think about your child, this is actually a really terrible situation and it's not a great environment for a child to grow up in, cycle of poverty/abuse and all that. I think you know this in your heart too. Good luck.

SunRainStorm · 13/01/2024 02:19

Trying to control you with suicide threats is emotional abuse.

Is he abusive or controlling in other ways?

LoudSnoringDog · 13/01/2024 03:19

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 01:52

Thanks for all your response. I think I needed the harsh reality. I just really struggle with feeling sorry for people and I worry greatly for his mental health as he didn't have a great childhood. I'm making excuses for him know, but whenever I tell him to leave he says he's going to commit suicide and I can't deal with that. As for the person that asked about my father, my dad isn't in my life but if he was he certainly wouldn't have any of this. You're all right - I have no backbone with him and I don't know why, I've never been with anyone like this before and if I had of been in the past I would of left

If you stay with him and continue to tolerate this behaviour then you are going to be giving your own child a poor childhood

Goneblank38 · 13/01/2024 03:31

Hey OP, you need to end this relationship. He won't change, he'll just take more and more from you and your child and wear you down. I feel for him because it sounds likes he's had a terrible childhood. But...he's a father now and if he can't do better for the sake of his own child and family, he's not worth it. He needs to help himself and he won't. Instead he's emotionally abusing you when you try to take to him. You need to protect yourself and set a good example for your daughter.

JamesonJameson · 13/01/2024 03:38

You need to acknowledge you didn't make the greatest choice. Sounds like he never showed much motivation and there wasn't much evidence that he would. I wouldn't carry on like this as he isn't a partner to you.

You aren't his parent, you may need to put some boundaries in and insist he gets a full time job and contribute to the family,.or he has to leave.

JhsLs · 13/01/2024 04:13

When you return to work, get him to be a SAHD and save thousands on childcare. When he realises it’s really bloody hard, he’ll be running into work.

SunRainStorm · 13/01/2024 04:18

There's clearly some intergenerational dysfunction going on in his family.

Are you happy for your baby to grow up in the same environment as he has? That's what you'll get if he sticks around.

Break the cycle for your family as he hasn't done it for himself.

Kick him out. You'll be better off financially and emotionally.

GrumpyPanda · 13/01/2024 04:30

JhsLs · 13/01/2024 04:13

When you return to work, get him to be a SAHD and save thousands on childcare. When he realises it’s really bloody hard, he’ll be running into work.

Terrible idea. OP will still end up doing everything at home in addition to working full-time, and since on paper he'd be primary parent she'd have a much harder time getting rid.

Ponderingwindow · 13/01/2024 04:31

a loving father supports his child financially. He isn’t just not paying for his child, he is straining your budget and taking money from your baby

he is supposed to be giving you money because you are on reduced pay during maternity leave, not the other way around.

You have to put a stop to this.

Boomboom22 · 13/01/2024 04:35

He's abusing you by saying he'll commit suicide. Get rid. He'll be a terrible father and role model. He doesn't know how to live properly, his mother had most of her children removed. He needs to grow up and probably do a lot of work jn therapy as well as fully engage in society. This is beyond your capacity to help.
Maybe if you make him leave that will be the catalyst and in 5 years he might be capable of being a good father.

Annony331 · 13/01/2024 04:40

He doesn't work now and he is unlikely to work further down the line.
If having a new life to provide for is not motivating him to work, then nothing will. I would cut the ties now rather than later.

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