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Original poster

My baby dad / partner refuses to work.

160 replies

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 00:51

So abit of back ground - my partner and I , 21&24 have been together almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old daughter together. I fell pregnant very quickly at the start of our relationship.

My partner has always been abit lazy, was not bothered about working as he lived with his mum at the time and had no bills to pay. If we wanted something he'd have the odd cash here & there or I just paid for it.

Fast forward to now, he moved in with me just after our daughter was born, we live in my mums house and she's a live in au pair so isn't home very often. In the last 7 months, he has worked for a total of 5 weeks, the last time he worked was in October so hasn't been paid a thing since November. I'm really starting to struggle financially and he shows no interest in getting a job. He's very content with staying at home as long as there's food on the table & he can look after out daughter and go to football. I'm still on maternity pay so I'm really starting to struggle to cover rent plus the needs of my daughter, him & I, plus also spending a little on myself from time to time.

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

But nevertheless I can't carry on like this: how do I go about this? I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore. I've tried the route of helping him if it's his mental health, but he doesn't want me to, he says every week he's going to find a job the following, but obviously that never happens, his friends, his brother & the family members that he does keep in contact with have all tried to help him but he won't accept any of it. But the worst part of it all is he sl*gs my friends off that haven't got jobs and are stay at home mums when he doesn't even have a job himself!! I think it's extreme denial and embarrassment.

He has his online banking in my phone ( with his permission ) and we needed bank statements, he printed things out over the past 4 years and I saw that this has been going on ever since he's been able to work, he's just lazy.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much, and in that case I'd really struggle without his hands on help. But I can't carry on like this anymore, every time I mention something it turns into an argument and he's always so moody in the morning if I wake him up early. He doesn't sleep great & o really have tried to support him mentally but he won't accept mine nor anyone else's help so I'm beginning to not feel sorry for him in this situation anymore.

He couldn't even afford to buy our daughter nappies / wipes if I asked him to.

Please help. TIA X

OP posts:
PickAChew · 13/01/2024 21:10

Kicking him out is an option.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/01/2024 21:10

Don't be a fixer OP. It doesn't work. I know this from bitter experience. Where is his income? What does he get? Does he claim UC? Are they not on at him? You know you'd be far better without him. It's hard. But he will drain the life out of you. He won't change.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:11

While again I will say I appreciate what people are saying - please can everyone stop felling me I should have been on contraception, I was told I couldn't have children.i also didn't live with him in the time running up to me falling pregnant and he used to lie and tell me he was working which I had no reason not to believe

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 13/01/2024 21:12

Also I agree you are enabling this. Out of kindness, but enabling it. He's a cocklodger and you need to make a stand. A week to get a job and start contributing 50:50 or he's out.

Joeslaol00 · 13/01/2024 21:13

Treat yourself with some respect and give him his marching orders! You will do him a big favour as well and he will learn that life is not a freebie !

Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:13

@TheFormidableMrsC he doesn't have any income :( he doesn't claim UC. I sat down and filled out everything with him, we made sure he had everything that he needs & then we got into an argument when I told him he had an appointment there as he stated that he doesn't have the correct things.. this in turn made him refuse going to the appointment and re arrange:. He never did.

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:14

@TheFormidableMrsC I know I am! My kindness is being taken for granted and by me providing him with his haircuts, vapes, food & a roof over his head it's even more of an incentive for him to stick about mooching off
Of me! I'm my own worst enemy trust me! X

OP posts:
Joeslaol00 · 13/01/2024 21:15

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:13

@TheFormidableMrsC he doesn't have any income :( he doesn't claim UC. I sat down and filled out everything with him, we made sure he had everything that he needs & then we got into an argument when I told him he had an appointment there as he stated that he doesn't have the correct things.. this in turn made him refuse going to the appointment and re arrange:. He never did.

He is a complete loser and his presence in your child’s life is not a good role model!

SoIdentifying · 13/01/2024 21:20
  1. He is not a good father to your child. If he was he would be working and supporting .
  2. I wouldn't work either if someone else was keeping me and supporting me giving me handouts.
  3. Do you want a lifetime of this shit? It will only get worse.
  4. Why should taxpayers pay for keeping your "family" in rent and food etc?
  5. Get rid of him and get yourself a proper life. Of course you can handle it without his contribution! PS He won't commit suicide.
bakewellbride · 13/01/2024 21:20

"Believe me when I tell you all I want to have the willpower to leave him, but despite everything he is still a man that I love and the father of my child."

I'm sorry op but I feel so sorry for the child in all this - you NEED to get him out. You keep using words like 'possibly' or 'think about' and have so many excuses. This man is a deadweight around your neck. You seem to have so many excuses for him too. I was abused by my father terribly and my mental health was on the floor but I turned my life around and my own kids now are my priority.

Please find the willpower, somehow. My mother never left her mentally unstable partner and I had to grow up with him as 'dad' and this caused me a lot of problems. He was awful. I never forgave her and haven't spoken to her in a decade - it was that bad! Please stop and think about that for a minute.

TheaBrandt · 13/01/2024 21:21

Isn’t he embarrassed?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/01/2024 21:33

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him

And then he emotionally blackmails you by saying he is going to kill himself. There is no good outcome to this, he will not get better and if you stay with him, your life will be a constant string of him taking you for a fool. I doubt he will have much to do with his child after he leaves too. Sorry, but he sounds like a waste of space.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/01/2024 21:38

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:14

@TheFormidableMrsC I know I am! My kindness is being taken for granted and by me providing him with his haircuts, vapes, food & a roof over his head it's even more of an incentive for him to stick about mooching off
Of me! I'm my own worst enemy trust me! X

I think you either take the bull by the horns or you live with it. He doesn't care as long as all his needs are met. I would suggest that you say you can only afford to support yourself and your child and he has to be responsible for his own food/vapes etc. I get you love him, although admittedly I'd struggle to love such a lazy prick, however, this is the rest of your life, the example you are setting your children. What happens if you fall ill? Had an accident? Would he still sit there feeling sorry for himself. I don't honestly know how you are not consumed by the ick. It's shitty behaviour.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/01/2024 21:39

I just really struggle with knowing I'd be the reason he's on the street if I kick him out.

You arent really though, are you? He is. There is a simple thing he could do, which is get his shit together.

And by the way, this is not a mental health problem. Plenty of people with horrific backgrounds have a great work ethic. He is a lazy slob who is mooching off you and you are playing into it with your 'I am too kind, too nice, being taken advantage of' script. You are responsible for all of those things and they are in your control to just stop.

Danfromdownunder · 13/01/2024 21:39

He’s clearly your number 1 priority - otherwise you’d be saving for your daughters future and not buying vapes and shit for a bludger. So why ask for advice when you know what the answer is and refuse to do anything about it?

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/01/2024 21:39

TheaBrandt · 13/01/2024 21:21

Isn’t he embarrassed?

You'd think wouldn't you? I can't think of anything less attractive personally.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/01/2024 21:41

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:13

@TheFormidableMrsC he doesn't have any income :( he doesn't claim UC. I sat down and filled out everything with him, we made sure he had everything that he needs & then we got into an argument when I told him he had an appointment there as he stated that he doesn't have the correct things.. this in turn made him refuse going to the appointment and re arrange:. He never did.

I mean if free money doesn't motivate him, nothing will. You've got a second child who will expect to be cared for for the rest of his life. Take a step back and look at this. Look at your future. Is this truly what you want?

SaturdayGiraffe · 13/01/2024 21:49

So he:

  • won’t work
  • turns conversations into arguments
  • gets angry when you wake him in the morning
  • doesn’t sleep well (is he gaming at night?)
  • suicide baits to get you to fall back in line
  • smokes weed (magics the money from somewhere)
  • vapes

What you have is a cocklodger. A freeloader. A loser with a whole book of excuses. He snagged you at 19 and he’s hanging on until you’re bone dry. This is because at 19 with no father role model yourself you didn’t have the ability to spot a sponger.
You do now.

He will not change. Nothing you say or do will turn him into someone who wants to provide for his family. No deadline. No threat. All that will do is force him to lie for a bit and then go back to normal.

You can either cut off all the money and repeatedly tell him to leave, or cut the money, change locks, put his things out.

Or you can have a leech stuck to your arse for the next 20 years, being the kind of role model for your daughter that she gets stuck with the same.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/01/2024 21:49

Stop being responsible for this adult, you have a child you are responsible for.

Get your mother to evict him on the grounds of him not paying rent or any other reason you and your mother can come up with.

He is going to bleed you dry, and is providing nothing at all - emotionally / physically or financially to you. He is a parasite that is leeching off you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2024 22:04

SaturdayGiraffe · 13/01/2024 21:49

So he:

  • won’t work
  • turns conversations into arguments
  • gets angry when you wake him in the morning
  • doesn’t sleep well (is he gaming at night?)
  • suicide baits to get you to fall back in line
  • smokes weed (magics the money from somewhere)
  • vapes

What you have is a cocklodger. A freeloader. A loser with a whole book of excuses. He snagged you at 19 and he’s hanging on until you’re bone dry. This is because at 19 with no father role model yourself you didn’t have the ability to spot a sponger.
You do now.

He will not change. Nothing you say or do will turn him into someone who wants to provide for his family. No deadline. No threat. All that will do is force him to lie for a bit and then go back to normal.

You can either cut off all the money and repeatedly tell him to leave, or cut the money, change locks, put his things out.

Or you can have a leech stuck to your arse for the next 20 years, being the kind of role model for your daughter that she gets stuck with the same.

This with massive jangly bells on it.

I know you’re young but you’ve chosen to be a parent and you owe the child you brought into the world.

When you find yourself making excuses for him and for yourself enabling him, imagine your beautiful precious wonderful deserving daughter skivvying for some selfish user arsehole in 20 years because she thinks she’s not worth more. Rip the plaster off for her if not for yourself.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 14/01/2024 01:28

SaturdayGiraffe · 13/01/2024 21:49

So he:

  • won’t work
  • turns conversations into arguments
  • gets angry when you wake him in the morning
  • doesn’t sleep well (is he gaming at night?)
  • suicide baits to get you to fall back in line
  • smokes weed (magics the money from somewhere)
  • vapes

What you have is a cocklodger. A freeloader. A loser with a whole book of excuses. He snagged you at 19 and he’s hanging on until you’re bone dry. This is because at 19 with no father role model yourself you didn’t have the ability to spot a sponger.
You do now.

He will not change. Nothing you say or do will turn him into someone who wants to provide for his family. No deadline. No threat. All that will do is force him to lie for a bit and then go back to normal.

You can either cut off all the money and repeatedly tell him to leave, or cut the money, change locks, put his things out.

Or you can have a leech stuck to your arse for the next 20 years, being the kind of role model for your daughter that she gets stuck with the same.

This

He is NOT a wonderful Dad. Wonderful Dad's provide for all their children's needs.

He is not a partner.

The "same shut, different day" made me feel so angry for you & your daughter. I am not being harsh but he has no respect for you. Tell him to leave today, have someone with your such as your mum or a friend. Call the police if necessary to get him out

WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 09:23

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:14

@TheFormidableMrsC I know I am! My kindness is being taken for granted and by me providing him with his haircuts, vapes, food & a roof over his head it's even more of an incentive for him to stick about mooching off
Of me! I'm my own worst enemy trust me! X

Yes, I totally see how you are a kind person and that's being taken advantage of. But he's also taking advantage of your mum, (who you don't seem fond of?).

Sorry if I've missed it, but are either of you paying anything towards rent? Could you afford to pay rent on your own if you had to? Also, are you putting your dd into childcare when you go back to work? Who is paying for that?

Would he step up if you had to pay for your own home and childcare? Does he just think he can act like a big kid because you have somewhere to stay and no childcare fees at the minute AND two of you at home with one baby all day? Sounds cushy as hell tbh if I'm reading it right.

I think it's a bit of a strange one as although he is acting like a big baby himself, that's just because he can in these circumstances

WilhelminaBunter · 14/01/2024 09:24

Basically, I wonder if separating and asking for CM from him would help you out. He at least would need to sort out his UC which would help with his CM payments.

notmorezoom · 14/01/2024 09:25

FFS . you are spending money on him that should go on your child. Stop whining about how difficult it is and throw him out. Your poor kid, you claim that she’s your life, but clearly he is more important.

Daffodilsandsunshine · 14/01/2024 09:35

Whilst I see from your update that his upbringing was difficult, he needs proactively to get outside support to develop resilience to push himself forwards with his life. You can't do this for him, nor be the parent he never had. Some of us have also had a less than ideal upbringing, but when you bring a child into the world and are responsible for it's care, you have to find ways to break the cycle and provide a better upbringing for them. He needs to stop making excuses and get a wake up call to get urgent help with his mental health so he can plan a better future for you all. Weed might help him chill out, but it doesn't resolve the cause of his issues nor give him the tools to move forward.

We have a similar situation with DSS 24yo who has never worked and just games and smokes weed. He's a kind and funny man but has no resilience, drive or confidence to grow up and take responsibility for himself as an adult. He's mentally stuck at 14yo. His girlfriends don't last long as they soon come to realise they'll have to carry him for life and be the adult in their relationship.