Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

My baby dad / partner refuses to work.

160 replies

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 00:51

So abit of back ground - my partner and I , 21&24 have been together almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old daughter together. I fell pregnant very quickly at the start of our relationship.

My partner has always been abit lazy, was not bothered about working as he lived with his mum at the time and had no bills to pay. If we wanted something he'd have the odd cash here & there or I just paid for it.

Fast forward to now, he moved in with me just after our daughter was born, we live in my mums house and she's a live in au pair so isn't home very often. In the last 7 months, he has worked for a total of 5 weeks, the last time he worked was in October so hasn't been paid a thing since November. I'm really starting to struggle financially and he shows no interest in getting a job. He's very content with staying at home as long as there's food on the table & he can look after out daughter and go to football. I'm still on maternity pay so I'm really starting to struggle to cover rent plus the needs of my daughter, him & I, plus also spending a little on myself from time to time.

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

But nevertheless I can't carry on like this: how do I go about this? I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore. I've tried the route of helping him if it's his mental health, but he doesn't want me to, he says every week he's going to find a job the following, but obviously that never happens, his friends, his brother & the family members that he does keep in contact with have all tried to help him but he won't accept any of it. But the worst part of it all is he sl*gs my friends off that haven't got jobs and are stay at home mums when he doesn't even have a job himself!! I think it's extreme denial and embarrassment.

He has his online banking in my phone ( with his permission ) and we needed bank statements, he printed things out over the past 4 years and I saw that this has been going on ever since he's been able to work, he's just lazy.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much, and in that case I'd really struggle without his hands on help. But I can't carry on like this anymore, every time I mention something it turns into an argument and he's always so moody in the morning if I wake him up early. He doesn't sleep great & o really have tried to support him mentally but he won't accept mine nor anyone else's help so I'm beginning to not feel sorry for him in this situation anymore.

He couldn't even afford to buy our daughter nappies / wipes if I asked him to.

Please help. TIA X

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 14/01/2024 09:39

Look you chose to keep your baby - absolutely your choice and sounds like it was 💯 right for you.

You also say you were prepared to raise your DD solo.

so do that.

This dosser expects you to house feed clothe and provide weed money for him while presumably you arrange and pay for childcare when you
go back to work… and you think you should do this because he does what any decent father should do any way shows a basic level of interest in his child.
Even if he does this he is still actually completely failing his child in that he is an able bodied man who can’t be fucked to provide for his child or the mother of his child

i have zero time for this sort of individual and you need to give your head a wobble.
HE IS LITERALLY TAKING (AND YOU ARE GIVING HIM) MONEY THAT SHOULD GO TO HIS CHILD.

You can kick him out you just don’t want to.

He was living with his mother - he can go back there, chose to be homeless, or get a job like every other fucker….

Oogieboogiewhoowoo · 14/01/2024 09:39

Your fighting a losing battle, your not going to be able to make him get a job. If having a baby that needs providing for wasnt enough, then you asking isnt going to be either

You can either put up and shut up OR if it was me, I'd tell him your mum has given you notice to move out as shes moving back in and I'd pretend to move out and not let him back once hes out the door. Take his keys beforehand.

He wont be homeless. If you, me or anyone went to their local council right now they would find a hotel, hostel, temporary housing ect.

The council would help him get on benefits or job search too

Stop helping him and just get rid. That was so stressful to read, just get rid

Original poster
emsantana99 · 14/01/2024 23:35

My situation seemed to have pissed off a lot of people. While I understand it was annoying for a lot of you to read; I'm only human. My daughter never goes without, she comes first in every situation and she will until my last breath. I pick up work here and there while I'm on maternity to earn any extra money that I can. All of you are right and I thank you all for your responses weather they be cruel to be kind or not. I wish I could explain to even myself why I have let the situation turn into this. I've let him know that he has to find a job this week or he needs to go, and I've let my mum know of the situation and she has stated the same, that if he doesn't start working then he has to leave. Thanks again.

To the person who asked about rent, yes I pay the rent, we rent my mums house and pay for it just like a normal landlord, right now when I go to work my partner looks after the baby at home.

OP posts:
minou123 · 15/01/2024 01:05

emsantana99 · 14/01/2024 23:35

My situation seemed to have pissed off a lot of people. While I understand it was annoying for a lot of you to read; I'm only human. My daughter never goes without, she comes first in every situation and she will until my last breath. I pick up work here and there while I'm on maternity to earn any extra money that I can. All of you are right and I thank you all for your responses weather they be cruel to be kind or not. I wish I could explain to even myself why I have let the situation turn into this. I've let him know that he has to find a job this week or he needs to go, and I've let my mum know of the situation and she has stated the same, that if he doesn't start working then he has to leave. Thanks again.

To the person who asked about rent, yes I pay the rent, we rent my mums house and pay for it just like a normal landlord, right now when I go to work my partner looks after the baby at home.

I know we come across as pissed off, but I think we are just more frustrated.

We are frustrated because we know what is going to happen, or not happen, in this case.

I dont want to come across as patronising, but a lot of us are older than you and we have been in the situation you are in.
We've been there, seen it and got the shitty t-shirt.

Some of us spent 5.10, 20 years before we came to our senses and realised he was never going to change.

All those years wasted, when we could have had better, happier lives.

Personally I blame films and fairytales:
Boy meets girl. Boy is a shit bag, but girl loves him. Girl does something and magically, overnight the boy suddenly because a wonderful, caring boy.

Unfortunately that's not real life.

We are frustrated because we dont want you to be like us in 5, 10, 20 years.
In fact, dont be me. In your 40s, wishing you had dealt with the arsehole many years ago.

I wish you all the luck.

notmorezoom · 15/01/2024 21:08

emsantana99 · 14/01/2024 23:35

My situation seemed to have pissed off a lot of people. While I understand it was annoying for a lot of you to read; I'm only human. My daughter never goes without, she comes first in every situation and she will until my last breath. I pick up work here and there while I'm on maternity to earn any extra money that I can. All of you are right and I thank you all for your responses weather they be cruel to be kind or not. I wish I could explain to even myself why I have let the situation turn into this. I've let him know that he has to find a job this week or he needs to go, and I've let my mum know of the situation and she has stated the same, that if he doesn't start working then he has to leave. Thanks again.

To the person who asked about rent, yes I pay the rent, we rent my mums house and pay for it just like a normal landlord, right now when I go to work my partner looks after the baby at home.

You are spending money on him that could go to her. Even if you don't need it now, into savings. Do you want her to grow up with such a waste of space as an example of how to live? Best get shot of him now before she remembers him.

yestoanother50 · 10/08/2024 07:26

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

Not your problem. It's taken me 25 years to extract my freeloader from my life after I've made all sorts of excuses for him. You have your whole life ahead of you and a daughter to care for. Carrying the baggage of a lazy, helpless many will drag you down. Get this sorted now whilst you have the whole of the rest of your life ahead of you. You owe this man nothing!

yestoanother50 · 10/08/2024 07:26

*man not many!

femfemlicious · 10/08/2024 07:35

Meadowfinch · 13/01/2024 01:06

You absolutely can kick him out. He's a freeloader and will bring you down.

I have a married friend. Her husband resigned when their ds was 5 and hasn't worked since. My friend tolerated this, she carried on working, he stayed at home, did school run and played golf in between. She did all shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. After 5 years of him doing nothing, the marriage failed and she wanted a divorce.

He told her that he was primary carer, he would go for full custody, he wanted half the house, half her pension despite doing very little. He'd also want spousal maintenance etc.

Don't be a fool. Kick him out now. If he's worth the bother, he will get a job and fight to stay in his child's life. I bet he doesn't.

Whatever you do, don't marry him.

Im praying this doesn't happen to my cousin 😱. Her husband doesn't work. Lord help her 🙏🏿

OlympicGoldfish · 10/08/2024 07:48

OP was 8 months ago. Maybe she’s finally got rid of him.

Toooldforthis36 · 10/08/2024 07:54

Kicking him out isn't an option

Yes, it is.

He could at any point choose to hold down a job, no matter what the job, to provide for his child. What a freeloading cocklodger.

MinnieCauldwell · 10/08/2024 08:06

OlympicGoldfish · 10/08/2024 07:48

OP was 8 months ago. Maybe she’s finally got rid of him.

Hopefully she isn't pregnant again by the idle loser

notmorezoom · 10/08/2024 08:09

MinnieCauldwell · 10/08/2024 08:06

Hopefully she isn't pregnant again by the idle loser

Show quote history

Probably is.

AgnesX · 10/08/2024 08:15

So you've told him he needs to get out but he's paying no attention? You need to tell him in front of someone you trust to back you up and will help you evict him.

You have to back up words with actions for him to take you seriously. Give him an end date so he knows when it's coming and follow up on it.

After that it's on him as to what happens next.

Edit: bugger, didn't notice this was an old thread.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2024 09:08

@emsantana99

are you still together ?

is he now working full time...

Original poster
emsantana99 · 10/08/2024 09:22

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2024 09:08

@emsantana99

are you still together ?

is he now working full time...

Hey, no we are no longer together however he has sorted himself out completely, is a great dad & works very hard, he started therapy & regularly taking medication so if you're experiencing anything like this I advise to leave but there may be a light at the end of the tunnel!

OP posts:
MinnieCauldwell · 10/08/2024 09:24

Good to know, thanks for updating.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/08/2024 10:19

What a lovely positive update !
I was concerned you may have felt you needed to stay with him.

OlympicGoldfish · 10/08/2024 10:23

Well done, OP. Sounds like it’s working out for all of you, even if you’re going your separate ways.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 10/08/2024 23:41

Fantastic update, sounds like kicking him out was the incentive he needed to get help and improve his life (and yours and your daughter.)
I hope your co parenting carries on in this positive way. Keep going forwards.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 30/03/2025 03:54

MinnieCauldwell · 10/08/2024 08:06

Hopefully she isn't pregnant again by the idle loser

Show quote history

Update, broke up with him end of Feb last year about 3 weeks after this post and haven’t looked back since, he’s a dead beat but my daughter and I are extremely happy 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 30/03/2025 03:55

notmorezoom · 10/08/2024 08:09

Probably is.

Show quote history

Thanks for the faith in me :). Not pregnant, happily single and giving my daughter everything I can without the dead beat ex boyfriend.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 30/03/2025 04:02

Well done op. It can take a while to realise this but you and your daughter will be great.

mathanxiety · 30/03/2025 05:22

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 21:06

Also to the questioned about weed - yes he does smoke it when he can afford it. I point blank refuse to give him any money for himself as I know that's what it'd go on.

And to the questions about abuse / no he isn't, he has never physically abused me, he's only threatened the suicide if we broke up

He "throws his toys out of the pram" and you "can never be right about anything".

He threatens suicide as a means of ending conversations.

This is abuse.

He put his headphones on and said 'same shit different day' as a response to you.
He's a leech.
You agree that he would accuse you of being the neighbourhood bike and threw him out because you latched onto someone rich - you know this man and this wouldn't surprise you.

He treats you with contempt, and even if he has never laid a hand on you, he is abusing you.

Hoggyhoghog · 30/03/2025 06:26

Don’t let the negative comments get you down. You have a beautiful daughter from all this and if I had been told at 19 I would have fertility issues I would have done the same as you.

In August 24 you said you had separated but he was doing better? Is this no longer the case?

hattie43 · 30/03/2025 08:33

I think you sound a lovely person with a good heart . You know you are being taken advantage of though and this dossy sponging lifestyle is no role model for your daughter as she grows . Many people have tough childhoods and it doesn’t mean they are all consigned to be no hopers . I think you need to ask him to leave until he has a permanent job and is splitting the bills . All the money you are spending to support him is being taken away from your daughters future .