My baby dad / partner refuses to work.

[emsantana99]

So abit of back ground - my partner and I , 21&24 have been together almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old daughter together. I fell pregnant very quickly at the start of our relationship.

My partner has always been abit lazy, was not bothered about working as he lived with his mum at the time and had no bills to pay. If we wanted something he'd have the odd cash here & there or I just paid for it.

Fast forward to now, he moved in with me just after our daughter was born, we live in my mums house and she's a live in au pair so isn't home very often. In the last 7 months, he has worked for a total of 5 weeks, the last time he worked was in October so hasn't been paid a thing since November. I'm really starting to struggle financially and he shows no interest in getting a job. He's very content with staying at home as long as there's food on the table & he can look after out daughter and go to football. I'm still on maternity pay so I'm really starting to struggle to cover rent plus the needs of my daughter, him & I, plus also spending a little on myself from time to time.

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

But nevertheless I can't carry on like this: how do I go about this? I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore. I've tried the route of helping him if it's his mental health, but he doesn't want me to, he says every week he's going to find a job the following, but obviously that never happens, his friends, his brother & the family members that he does keep in contact with have all tried to help him but he won't accept any of it. But the worst part of it all is he sl*gs my friends off that haven't got jobs and are stay at home mums when he doesn't even have a job himself!! I think it's extreme denial and embarrassment.

He has his online banking in my phone ( with his permission ) and we needed bank statements, he printed things out over the past 4 years and I saw that this has been going on ever since he's been able to work, he's just lazy.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much, and in that case I'd really struggle without his hands on help. But I can't carry on like this anymore, every time I mention something it turns into an argument and he's always so moody in the morning if I wake him up early. He doesn't sleep great & o really have tried to support him mentally but he won't accept mine nor anyone else's help so I'm beginning to not feel sorry for him in this situation anymore.

He couldn't even afford to buy our daughter nappies / wipes if I asked him to.

Please help. TIA X

Harsh reality

Look, I bring in X. Rent is Y. Food and nappies etc. is Z. Y+Z is more than X. I cannot afford for you to live here unless you contribute. You have two weeks to get a job. If you don't stick at it, you need to move out. Will not let my child fall into poverty for you.

Now the likelihood is that he'll go and you'll be stuck paying for childcare
So you need to do your sums too. And you need to mean it . No leave but look after her Monday and stay for sex so sleep over and then you're here Tuesday so I might as well cook dinner

What does he need to be contributing once you're back to pay his share of the bills and half the childcare?

Alt you accept he's the SAHP, you go back to work,you put in a joint claim for UC with him as the at home parent. You revisit once she's in nursey

If you choose to commit suicide Ben that is your choice. You are choosing to leave Amelia without a father because you'd rather that than get a job and support her. Yes I'd be heartbroken but what I'm asking is not unreasonable and your threat to kill yourself rather than work IS.

Have not read all the replies but I think there seems to be a consensus:

• he does not work and that is unlikely to change
• he is draining your energy by effectively living off you
• you cannot chamge him no matter how hard you try
• you need to make a choice here between him and your own/ your child's needs and future.

As it stands you do not have one child but two.
If he has nowhere else to live he needs to find somewhere. He is 24 not 4 so whether or not and why his parents do or don't support him is irrelevant.
Your responsibility is towards your child. You cam currently live at your mums so use that support to organise your own educational/professional future so eventually you can fully provide for your child. And move on from that manchild.

This is really difficult to read OP. This is a flashback to my past. I was naive, scared, soft etc.

I felt obligated to get married, even though he very rarely worked. I later found out he had been doing dodgy deals to get money every now and then. I met him at 16 and finally after 3 kids and being emotionally battered and broken found the courage to leave.

In hindsight I should have done things differently from the start.

10 years on I have a degree, and I’m in a professional role which I love. I have a mortgage and a car. I didn’t have these before, and I could only dream of what it would be like. I wasn’t allowed to get a car as it meant I could leave. I wasn’t allowed to train as that meant I could get a job and meet other people and might leave. I wish I knew then what I can see now.

Please walk away.

Hi OP. Do you have anyone who could support you by being there when you get him out of the house? Someone who would back you up and be firm about your resolve. As it is your DM's house, how does she feel about it? Would she come home to help you get him out? If not, give him a definite but short deadline, pack up his stuff if he won't do it, and ask the police to be there. Sorry, its difficult for you.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much

Horseshit. An incredible father wouldn't be sponging off his partner and her mother. An incredible father would PROVIDE for his family. An incredible dad wouldn't emotionally manipulate the mother of his child. The only person he loves is himself.

Cock lodgers usually find someone else to leech off quite quickly, I wouldn't worry about that. As long as you're firm.

What if you went back to work and he was the SAHP. He would still be useless but at least you could crack on with your career or studies. Are you on full pay?

Pretty unanimous. You aren't his mum to mollycoddle him or his dad to fund him. He is a man who needs to go out and provide to the best of abilities. You chipping in is a favour on him!

@C00k postnatal/postpartum is a period of time after having a baby. Fathers also experience a postpartum period- it’s the time after the baby is born. If you look at research papers they do reference paternal postpartum depression as a disorder. One in particular references low levels of self-esteem which can lead to depression in fathers.

I’m not sure how to link articles OP but if you want to have a read of that particular article I referenced, it’s called “psychological factors associated with paternal postnatal depression”. It’s not commonly talked about but it does seem to occur more than we think!

🚩🚩Cocklodger alert 🚩🚩🚩
In effect you have 2 DC.
He either gets himself a job or ships out to stay with friends. He's just lazy, selfish and it's nothing to do with depression about being a new dad. He needs to be providing for his daughter.
And do make sure your contraception is bullet proof!

@Rosiiee If you read the OP's further posts you'll see he's always been a work shy layabout, so let's not try and excuse him as having postnatal depression.

He wouldn't be on the streets. He'd sofa surf for a bit with friends and the various family members he's in contact with and then move into some other woman's place (or their Mum's) within a fortnight of meeting them with stories about how you stole all his money and put him out onto the street because you'd been forcing him to stay at home with the baby whilst you went out fucking random men and now have a rich bloke you've kicked him out to move in.

Incredible father 🤣🤣🤣

He won't change so I guess all you can do is accept it, and hope your child doesn't follow in his absolutely useless footsteps.

@Rosiiee but he's been a workshy lazy toad for years. Before the baby. Was that also postnatal depression?

'Same shit different day'??? I'd tell him 'new shit, new day' and tell him to get out right away. And change the locks.

Kicking him out is an option, he can stand on his own two feet

@Bearpawk I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It mustn’t be easy for the OP.

its of no use to the OP for you to be justifying the loser in any way. There’s no illness whose symptoms are being a deadbeat parasite.
You should be advocating for women to never, ever accept a shit man, to have huge, stratospheric level standards.

While I think he needs a reality check...what is the plan when you get back to work ?
Did you plan for your dd to go to nursery or child care ?
Because if you did, surely he will be the sah parent now and care for her.
It's a bit odd people telling you to chuck him out when if you do, what do you plan on doing when you need to go to work?
Honestly you need to sit him down and decide what is the future looking like...is it you working and him stay at home dad...in which cas he does child care, house work, life admin.
Or you both work...if he won't hes out...
Or you both do part time and divide up rest of "work" equally.
It doesn't seem complicated

While I appreciate everything that all of you are saying, it's much easier said than done. Believe me when I tell you all I want to have the willpower to leave him, but despite everything he is still a man that I love and the father of my child. I really just needed help on ways to possibly scare him into thinking I'm serious about him having to leave. All of you have left me great advice and I agree wirh every single one of you, he's not going to change.

The people that were saying about protection.. as stated before I was told when I was 19 that I couldn't have children without IVF, so my daughter is my little miracle and there was no way I wanted to get rid of her. But I'm now on contraception yes, having another baby with him would be the worst idea.

Thanks @Rosiiee for seeing my side a little, it is very hard for me. However this has been a consistent problem, he's always been very lazy when it comes to work, but he also does suffer with awful mental health, he was severely abused by his father before he passed away. Having said that, he won't get any help for any of his problems & despite all of this and as much as I don't wish that upon anyone it doesn't take away the fact that I can't afford to be providing for myself, our daughter, him & our outgoings.

As for living in my mums house / she's an au pair ( a nanny) so she doesn't actually live in this house, we rent it off of her.

I also will add that my plan was to go back to work in March when my maternity finished, and it was only for 12h a week - so ideally what would happen is when he finally decides to get a job then we would have to say that he can work the other days besides the Monday & Friday that I'd be working.

He's a very complexed person, he throws his toys out the pram very easily & I can never be right in any situation. Thanks for the humour of him saying I'm stopping him from seeing his child & that I've kicked him out for another man, that sounds exactly like something he'd say 😂😂 ahahahha.

He’s be too lazy to kill himself. There’s absolutely no way any harm will come to him if you kick him out - hell toddle off to Mummy and have a new lover within weeks guaranteed.
Snap out of it and put your daughter first. If she’s you’re whole world then start acting like it. Harsh but true.
Where is your father in all this? Why doesn’t he give old mate the door?

Also to the questioned about weed - yes he does smoke it when he can afford it. I point blank refuse to give him any money for himself as I know that's what it'd go on.

And to the questions about abuse / no he isn't, he has never physically abused me, he's only threatened the suicide if we broke up

The mistake was having a baby with him. but yes, get him out of the house for a few hours, change the locks and leave his stuff in bags outside. don't plan on any money or childcare from him -once he realises there's no free ride, I doubt he'll be interested in seeing his child.

And next time get your contraception sorted out.

@Danfromdownunder his mum is in no mental state to house any other children, as stated before her youngest son is in care & she has nothing to do with my partner nor her 3 older children. She was never really bothered with her kids.

& my dad isn't in the picture! My mum & dad devoted when I was young and I haven't really seen him since!