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Original poster

My baby dad / partner refuses to work.

160 replies

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 00:51

So abit of back ground - my partner and I , 21&24 have been together almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old daughter together. I fell pregnant very quickly at the start of our relationship.

My partner has always been abit lazy, was not bothered about working as he lived with his mum at the time and had no bills to pay. If we wanted something he'd have the odd cash here & there or I just paid for it.

Fast forward to now, he moved in with me just after our daughter was born, we live in my mums house and she's a live in au pair so isn't home very often. In the last 7 months, he has worked for a total of 5 weeks, the last time he worked was in October so hasn't been paid a thing since November. I'm really starting to struggle financially and he shows no interest in getting a job. He's very content with staying at home as long as there's food on the table & he can look after out daughter and go to football. I'm still on maternity pay so I'm really starting to struggle to cover rent plus the needs of my daughter, him & I, plus also spending a little on myself from time to time.

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

But nevertheless I can't carry on like this: how do I go about this? I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore. I've tried the route of helping him if it's his mental health, but he doesn't want me to, he says every week he's going to find a job the following, but obviously that never happens, his friends, his brother & the family members that he does keep in contact with have all tried to help him but he won't accept any of it. But the worst part of it all is he sl*gs my friends off that haven't got jobs and are stay at home mums when he doesn't even have a job himself!! I think it's extreme denial and embarrassment.

He has his online banking in my phone ( with his permission ) and we needed bank statements, he printed things out over the past 4 years and I saw that this has been going on ever since he's been able to work, he's just lazy.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much, and in that case I'd really struggle without his hands on help. But I can't carry on like this anymore, every time I mention something it turns into an argument and he's always so moody in the morning if I wake him up early. He doesn't sleep great & o really have tried to support him mentally but he won't accept mine nor anyone else's help so I'm beginning to not feel sorry for him in this situation anymore.

He couldn't even afford to buy our daughter nappies / wipes if I asked him to.

Please help. TIA X

OP posts:
Christmasgrinch234 · 13/01/2024 04:45

The only suggestion is ‘popping’ into an agency while you’re both in town. Plenty of jobs that need people to start today. However it’s usually hard work and he’s got zero work ethic.

As PP said get rid. I’ve had two ex’s that have claimed they’d commit suicide if I broke up with them and they’re both with other women doing them same thing.

Does he smoke weed by any chance?

scaredofthefuture2024 · 13/01/2024 04:49

He isn't an incredible father. He is a deadbeat who cannot be bothered to provide for his child. He isn't your responsibility.

MariaVT65 · 13/01/2024 04:53

If you don’t feel he will be able to look after himself if you ask him to live somewhere else, how do you expect him to be a responsible parent? Literally what’s the point of him?

Cantalever · 13/01/2024 05:03

Why did you have a baby with a "man" like this? When you have another partner in future, please raise your sights and have a baseline of responsibility that you require in a father to your children. I just don't get it when women have such low expectations of someone, and actually have a child with someone like him. A "man" provides for his offspring.

Codlingmoths · 13/01/2024 05:19

You absolutley can kick this lazy moocher out, in fact you owe it to your tiny helpless daughter to, she deserves to grow up without seeing this behaviour facilitated. If he says I’m going to kill myself, you phone emergency for support. That’s the right thing to do, not to let him back in.

Guavafish1 · 13/01/2024 05:29

Actions speak louder than words.

The reality of it is that he has not had a consistent job for 4 years and there is no real reason.

Your young and made a mistake in picking this partner. You are clearly a smart lady, its OK to just say I'm not happy about this situation and setting up boundaries. it's time to end it and move on.

If for example he was a more a 'house husband' and cooked, clean and looked after baby night and day whilst you returned to work to concentrate on your career than would you consider staying?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 13/01/2024 05:32

SunRainStorm · 13/01/2024 02:19

Trying to control you with suicide threats is emotional abuse.

Is he abusive or controlling in other ways?

100% this - you are not his mummy or his therapist

Tell him he has 4 weeks- and that is exceptionally generous- to get a job or get out.

If he threatens suicide provide him with the phone number of a mental health/ suicide chat line as it is not your problem to solve - this is not a man nor partner

You are a mother to your DC not this man child

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 13/01/2024 06:27

The telling you he’a going to kill himself if you’re going to end the relationship is abusive. Either it’s real he needs professional health support or he is abusing you. When you end the relationship and he says this again you ring 999 and tell what’s happening. That is the extend of your responsibility dealt with.

Pamspeople · 13/01/2024 06:41

He's not going to change, and the suicide threats are emotional abuse - you and especially your tiny daughter will be so much better off without him dragging you down. Kick him out and be a fabulous, fearless, proud role model for your gorgeous girl.

LolaSmiles · 13/01/2024 06:48

The problem with many "he's a great dad .." posts is that they often contain behaviour that is not great dad behaviour.

Mooching off their child's mother - not great dad behaviour. He should be contributing to the home

Taking money from his child (which is what he's doing when he asks you for money) - not great dad behaviour. Great dads provide for their children.

Refusing to leave - not great dad behaviour because it doesn't respect the child's mother

Threatening to commit suicide if kicked out - not great dad behaviour because great dads are not emotionally abusive

He's got a lot of his own baggage, probably hasn't seen great examples of parenting in his own life, is lazy and doesn't want to change, and he's emotionally abusive to try to coerce you into keeping him. You're better off without him.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/01/2024 06:49

He's not an incredible father. He's a lazy layabout.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/01/2024 06:50

An incredible father would be out providing for his child.

SunflowerSeeds123 · 13/01/2024 07:20

I've had that speech. It used to work as well.

Kick him out. If he presents himself to the council he might get a room somewhere...eventually.

Gillypie23 · 13/01/2024 07:22

Hes never had a job. You were OK with him being a useless article until you had a baby.
Tell him to get a job or he leaves.

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2024 07:30

He’s a grown man not a child. Where was he living before you got together? He needs to be told - either get yourself a proper job or leave. He’s absolutely NOT a good father. A good father provides financially for his child, whereas he’s doing precisely the opposite.
Believe me, there are many men out there who would work any job in order to support their family. My DH has worked in a job he hates for the last 30+ years because he would never dream of not helping to provide for his family!

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2024 07:31

emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 01:52

Thanks for all your response. I think I needed the harsh reality. I just really struggle with feeling sorry for people and I worry greatly for his mental health as he didn't have a great childhood. I'm making excuses for him know, but whenever I tell him to leave he says he's going to commit suicide and I can't deal with that. As for the person that asked about my father, my dad isn't in my life but if he was he certainly wouldn't have any of this. You're all right - I have no backbone with him and I don't know why, I've never been with anyone like this before and if I had of been in the past I would of left

The threats of suicide is emotional blackmail. Do not listen to this!

MillicentRogers · 13/01/2024 07:40

You say you don't have the heart to kick him out but are quite happy at how he is using you to enable his cushy little life?

Why do you want to be with someone who has no ambition or drive to better himself or his family?

He isn't a fantastic father, he's a poor role model and work-shy oaf.

What man is happy to let the mother of his child provide for the child and him whilst he is a good foe nothing layabout?

Don't you feel embarrassed when anyone asks what he does for a living? I'd be mortified.

pinkfondu · 13/01/2024 07:49

He is a cocklodger get rid now. If he were not there you could afford more things for your baby. You are choosing her.

Re the suicide threats, this is emotional manipulation. Do not fall for it.

MrsMoastyToasty · 13/01/2024 08:02

He'll be out on the streets? HIS PROBLEM.
He'll attempt suicide? HIS PROBLEM.

ActDottie · 13/01/2024 08:06

I think it’s it’ll time you have him an ultimatum. He needs to have a job by X date otherwise he’s out.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 09:49

Christmasgrinch234 · 13/01/2024 04:45

The only suggestion is ‘popping’ into an agency while you’re both in town. Plenty of jobs that need people to start today. However it’s usually hard work and he’s got zero work ethic.

As PP said get rid. I’ve had two ex’s that have claimed they’d commit suicide if I broke up with them and they’re both with other women doing them same thing.

Does he smoke weed by any chance?

He's gone through multiple agencies, done agency work for a week, decided he doesn't like the job anymore then leaves before finding another one, he had one agency left and didn't bother turning up.

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 09:51

Thank you everyone, believe me I agree with every single one of you, I just really struggle with knowing I'd be the reason he's on the street if I kick him out. He's very good at manipulating me into feeling sorry for him due to his father passing etc. I'm so done with it all, he's never going to change & I realise this. I spoke to him last night and told him if he doesn't have a job by the end of the month he needs to get out, his response was to put his headphones in say 'same shit different day' and went back to sleep. Im so tired of it all, I have no willpower to leave and hurt him, I have no back bone & I'm feeling pretty pathetic that I'm letting this all happen. I know in my heart what I've got to do, I'm just finding it harder to do than I thought I would

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 13/01/2024 09:54

Cantalever · 13/01/2024 05:03

Why did you have a baby with a "man" like this? When you have another partner in future, please raise your sights and have a baseline of responsibility that you require in a father to your children. I just don't get it when women have such low expectations of someone, and actually have a child with someone like him. A "man" provides for his offspring.

When I was 19, I got told that I wouldn't be able to have children without IVF. So when I got pregnant there was no way I was getting rid of the baby. She's my absolute world and while I understand your reasoning I did say to him that if he didn't want the baby I'd do it on my own due to her being an absolute miracle baby. At the time I was working my arse off & I was never at home and he used to lie and say he was at work too I just thought he was stingy with money and he told me he was putting it all into savings & didn't want to spend his money on pointless things. I didn't know he wasn't working and just lazing about until we moved in together and I became close with various family members / friends of his that all started to explain the true him

OP posts:
Dotchange · 13/01/2024 10:00

Oh my word OP- he’s done a number on you.

You sound like a hard working, sensible young woman.

YOU don’t have to have backbone to kick him out- just a clear knowledge that you and your child deserve all the wonderful things the world has to offer. This man will drain it all if you let him

stemmedroses · 13/01/2024 10:01

I just really struggle with knowing I'd be the reason he's on the street

You wouldn't be the reason; he is an adult, he is responsible for himself.

Him saying "same shit, different day" shows how much contempt he has for you - he thinks you're a mug who is too weak to follow through. You are not a mug, you need to be strong for your child and not put up with his crap.

You can do this; it will be awkward and you will feel bad for a while. He will try to worm his way back but you need to remain strong and focus on whats best for your child - he will say you are depriving your child of his father but him having a relationship with his child is his responsibility.

Soon you will feel so much lighter because you will be in control of your life and he won't be dragging you down.