My baby dad / partner refuses to work.

[emsantana99]

So abit of back ground - my partner and I , 21&24 have been together almost 2 years and we have a 6 month old daughter together. I fell pregnant very quickly at the start of our relationship.

My partner has always been abit lazy, was not bothered about working as he lived with his mum at the time and had no bills to pay. If we wanted something he'd have the odd cash here & there or I just paid for it.

Fast forward to now, he moved in with me just after our daughter was born, we live in my mums house and she's a live in au pair so isn't home very often. In the last 7 months, he has worked for a total of 5 weeks, the last time he worked was in October so hasn't been paid a thing since November. I'm really starting to struggle financially and he shows no interest in getting a job. He's very content with staying at home as long as there's food on the table & he can look after out daughter and go to football. I'm still on maternity pay so I'm really starting to struggle to cover rent plus the needs of my daughter, him & I, plus also spending a little on myself from time to time.

Kicking him out isn't an option, he doesn't really have any other family & his mum is useless and wants nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with the lazyness, she has a background of many mental health issues. Her youngest son is in care & she doesn't see her three older children.

But nevertheless I can't carry on like this: how do I go about this? I can't leave him because I don't have the heart to see him on the street but I can't stand him not working anymore. I've tried the route of helping him if it's his mental health, but he doesn't want me to, he says every week he's going to find a job the following, but obviously that never happens, his friends, his brother & the family members that he does keep in contact with have all tried to help him but he won't accept any of it. But the worst part of it all is he sl*gs my friends off that haven't got jobs and are stay at home mums when he doesn't even have a job himself!! I think it's extreme denial and embarrassment.

He has his online banking in my phone ( with his permission ) and we needed bank statements, he printed things out over the past 4 years and I saw that this has been going on ever since he's been able to work, he's just lazy.

One thing I will say is he's an incredible father and loves our child very much, and in that case I'd really struggle without his hands on help. But I can't carry on like this anymore, every time I mention something it turns into an argument and he's always so moody in the morning if I wake him up early. He doesn't sleep great & o really have tried to support him mentally but he won't accept mine nor anyone else's help so I'm beginning to not feel sorry for him in this situation anymore.

He couldn't even afford to buy our daughter nappies / wipes if I asked him to.

Please help. TIA X

If that’s his response don’t give him a month, kick him out now! Am I right in thinking this is your mothers house? Does she know about this/agree with you? If so I would tell her what you’re doing and change the locks. I doubt he’ll end up on the streets he’ll just find someone else to sponge off.

He's got absolute contempt for you, OP. He's not even pretending that he cares about you, is he? 'same shit, different day' and putting his headphones on to block you out sounds like a stroppy teen.

In my place that contempt would kill any concern for him stone dead.

You need to put your mumma hat on… you sound like a great caring mum…. Think and visualise what would you do or feel if your daughter was in a relationship with a man like this?

Then would it be because you role modelled this as a relationship for her to see… she is your only motivation and keep reminding yourself of that

Incorrect, if he chooses to be ‘on the streets’ or end his own life it would be entirely his choice. Time to step up and advocate for yourself and your kid, be a better example than a pandering, desperate pushover who allows a shit man to use you and make an utter fool of you.
Its unfortunate you picked this complete embarrassment of a person to have a kid with, so you’ll have to toughen up in order to deal with the upcoming years of awfulness you’ll have, co-parenting with a deadbeat.

This man has Zero respect for you and for his child. He has really done a number on you.

Stop being a mug and set an example to your child. You are enabling an emotionally abusive cocklodger.

Jesus, the contempt in his response. I think the only solution is to put his stuff in black bin bags, change the locks or put the key in on the inside until you can. You need to find your anger. This should be making you so so angry.

I also wondered this (weed).

Glad you're kicking him out op. It isn't just that he isn't working (if he was a SAHD or something while you were out working and with your agreement, that would be different). But the way he is talking to you and refusing to work despite you also being at home so no need for a SAHP here is awful.

Hope you can get rid. Also agree that the "I'll end my life" thing A) is him manipulating you and most likely not going to happen and B) isn't your responsibility. You don't have to feed and house him forever so he doesn't end his life. Harsh as that sounds. You aren't a MH unit or his mother.

He’s not a great dad if he doesn’t provide for his daughter.

You wouldn’t be the reason that he ends up on the streets, he would.

Your daughter deserves more.

You won't be the reason he ends up on the street. HE will be the reason because he chooses not to work.

Very few people like their jobs, but we work to pay for a home, food etc.

At the moment he is diverting resources away from your baby to himself with no regard for your baby.

I think you need to give him job adverts, sit down and do applications with him (I know it's infantising him) and get him to apply/ show willing.

I had a long period out of work, it was worse thing for me mentally, and I had no confidence or motivation to do anything at all towards the end. My now DH found the job advert that was the spring board and motivated me.

Tell him his daughter and you need to be the motivation for this, as he is at risk if losing you.

If he is still bone idle after hand holding then walk away.

@HairyToity ‘get him to apply/show willing’? Nah. He can do that himself, but he won’t, because he’s bankrolled and housed by various women. He openly holds OP in contempt, he’s a deadbeat, an abuser. She should be encouraged to develop her standards and self worth and boot the parasite out of her mothers property.

'knowing I'd be the reason he's on the street if I kick him out'

No of course you are not the reason. HE and only HE is the reason for his own destiny.

You are not responsible for him in any shape or form.

You have no qualms about taking the trash out. He's just another bag of trash to get rid of.

He might blubber like a pathetic baby at first but his type will see him worming his way into someone's sofa where he will take take take from them until they get fed up and boot him out.

You have no reason to feel guilty as it's his behaviour that is the problem not yours.

Sort your contraception so you don’t bring any other kids into this mess.
kick him out and raise your standards
think about the example you are showing your little girl and do better

If the lazy git is actually awake tell him to get up and pack his stuff. If he ignores you then get some bin bags and start.
Do you have any friends who can help you get him out?
If he won't leave or gets nasty ring police non emergency 101 and ask for advice.
He will not commit suicide.
He will find somewhere else. This sort always do.
Do not give him any money. You need it for you and your baby.
Time to stand up to him. You are young but you are a mum. You need to be strong.

Your mother could kick him out though couldn't she . Also what does mum think?

Be very very careful,when u go back to work ,that he doesn't become a stay at home dad, the child's main parent.because when u do kick him out ,he could end up main parent to child ,and you end up paying him maintenance to have your child more than u do

Every penny you are spending on this useless cocklodger is money you could be putting into savings for your daughter.

For goodness sake OP, he's nothing like an 'incredible father' because a genuinely incredible father who is physically able would be out doing whatever the hell work he could find to put food on his child'a table. He's a waste of space shitty cocklodging father.

Chuck him in the bin before your Daughter learns that this is an acceptable way for a healthy grown man to behave and treat his partner.

Was he always like this? Or is this since your daughter was born? Partners can also have PND so maybe he could book in with the GP to have a chat?

Please have contraception sorted

Men cannot be natal, and so cannot have post natal depression. Sure, he could be depressed but being a piece of shit is not a symptom of it.

Sorry op but if you
A. Have unprotected sex with a jobless loser and
B. Refuse to kick him out,
I'm not sure what else we can advise?
Hopefully you'll come to your senses one day.

Get rid x

Can you get a friend round to help you get him out? It sounds like he knows how to push your sympathy buttons until you give in.

You need to switch this round in your head to : every time I buy him something that is less money for bills to support my daughter.

Also, big question: do you want your daughter to think that this is what she should expect from a relationship? You wouldn’t want that for her would you? You need to be tough to save your daughter from learning this from her father.

Kicking him out isn't an option it is. You don't have to be brutal about it. Say I want you out by the end of the month. Offer to pay half the deposit on a new place if you must