Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

"attack as a form of defence when they know they've fucked up."

This is what I'd understand. She realized she'd misplaced/misnamed. & decided to cover her back by demanding, twice, an apology, so that it makes you look like a bully.
So that potentially in the future, when there are more fuck ups, she has a file of apologies...
she's not someone who enhances the office harmony

Just get rid of her after her probation period.

Yes, sadly that can happen; as with unfounded claims of "conditions", some will chuck in just about anything in the hope something sticks

I'm heavily involved in anti-racist inittiatives, and ironically the only time I've been accused of racism in my entire life is when folk didn't get jobs - the irony being that, because of the sector and region I recruited in, 90% of the time the person who did get the job would be of the same race

If she's conscientious and likely to be good at her job, I'd have an honest chat with her.

I'd tell her that first and foremost you're all there to get the work done. You hope that everyone feels valued and respected and that's the office culture you're all working to promote, but primarily you all have outcomes which you need to achieve and with which you need each other's help. And sometimes that's going to mean people are abrupt or questioning or maybe a bit insistent. It doesn't mean that they're disrespecting her or not believing her, just that they need to get shit done. If she feels that this spills over into bullying or unacceptable behaviour then of course she should feel free to raise a grievance. But trying to work out where things are or where things are at doesn't come close to this level, and she's going to have to learn to tolerate a certain amount of 'robustness', for want of a better word, in office exchanges if she's going to survive in that environment.

@Hairycoconut I think you have provided a good insight here as to where some people are getting their guidance from. Agreed much if it is American and does not translate well when applied to your average business in the UK.

We’re only hearing one side of the story here.

It could be a tough culture fit if they’re all older females and she’s significantly younger. This is why diversity in recruitment is an HR issue. Maybe they’re close and it feels cliquey or gossipy which leads her to feel criticised. Maybe they’re impatient.

Not saying it is, just surprised how many people are jumping on the snowflake younger person idea. She could be wanting an apology because she felt the tone was rude and didn’t know how to convey this if she’s young. We just don’t know! Doesn’t sound like she’ll last long in any case.

This wasn't banter, it was a new staffer who botched a task wanting an apology from the senior who had discovered the error and rectified it.

Its nothing to do with toxic cultures, its basic competence and manners.

Agree: I think some people are going down a rabbit hole with this "established work culture" thing. I don't see toxic here.

There's no evidence that OP was rude or in any way belittling of this person. OP asking her to "double check" what she'd done was a standard fairly patient and kind reprimand, taking account of the fact that the person was relatively new and quite sensitive. I would do this if I was criticising the work of a new joiner: you want to gently let them know what they've done is not quite right without being an arsehole about it. There's no passive aggression, just patience. It certainly does not merit a written apology.

The reality is that staff need to be able to complete tasks competently and in a timely fashion. If a request/order is not completed to satisfaction a manager has a right to point this out. Staff have a right for this to be done sensitively and respectfully of course and they deserve a clear explanation of working practices. But anyone who struggles with this concept is not ready for work in a commercial environment.

I'm an employment lawyer. I'd be highly inclined to dismiss ASAP. You don't need to wait for the end of the probation process or go through performance management as some have suggested. It's a massive ball ache and some people are just not good employees. Up to 2 years you can dismiss for any reason at all, or no reason, as long as there's no discrimination (or a few other factors like whistleblowing).

If you leave it there's a chance with people like this that she will chuck in a bit of discrimination (age maybe, disability if she's an anxious person) which complicates the dismissal massively.

If you're not going straight for dismissal I'd give her one warning only and be very very clear about your expectations of her re behaviour.

Be aware, some HR people like to do things by the book and in a laboured way and forget the basic legal position that you can sack her right this minute without consequence (need to pay notice obviously).

Alternatively/next time why not email:

1. You:

Hi Newbie

I was hoping to review the XYZ document I think you have been working on. If you think it is ready can you send me a doclink. I've tried to find it, but it doesn't seem to be where I would expect it to be.

Thanks

2. Newbie:

Yes it's ready: here's the link

3. You:

Thanks for the link (and the document itself was great). Can I just outline our naming and filing protocols to you. They make document management so much easier for people used to searching for things ........

She does sound a bit defensive TBH.

It's just lazy, and goodness knows I've come across enough older people with similar attitudes

Absolutely!

On my team I manage two women in their early 30s, both great & dynamic, have just recruited someone in their 20s, with a great attitude. I have managed out two brutal disinterested colleagues - late 40s & early 50s.

I do think that younger (than me!) employees tend to be better at articulating what they want & see employment as a more flexible thing than I would have - mostly this is a good thing, sometimes it can tip over into entitlement but still, broadly is related to the individual & not their age!

Your HR consultants will join by zoom/team at very short notice and will make notes/record the meeting if you want. That is typically at extra cost but well worth the money in situations like this.

Suggest you write a script of what you want to say to her and get the hr consultants to check it before the meeting. Stick to that brief and factual script.

She hadn’t completed the work satisfactorily and repeatedly insisting colleagues apologise to her in writing when they hadn’t done anything wrong is harassment.

Having worked with several people having that combination of super conscientious and perfectionist on the one hand, but ultra sensitive to (perceived) criticism on the other, I’d wonder if, like them, this graduate is on the autistic spectrum. The people I worked with were brilliant at their jobs, but approached with caution.

Yes, I know ASD is attributed to so many behaviours these days, but ‘rejection sensitivity’ is a common trait found in those with ASD and those with higher autistic traits. Doesn’t make it necessarily easier to work with people sensitive to rejection, but @GustyFinknottle it may be something to be aware of when talking with her. Easy to read up on by googling.

@GustyFinknottle please listen to @Level75 and I’ll repeat again - this will not get better.

you don’t need to wait until the end of her probation or extend it, just tell her it’s not the right job for her and pay her notice (presumably one week if she’s on probation).

This is what I would do.

Do you have job aids/procedure documents that itemise the steps required and the exact file locations where updated documents should be stored? If not, document it now and have it so that you'll have it forever more (only needs to be updated if file locations change, if the process is no longer required or if it is simplified at some stage). Provide it to her and say this is how X is to be done. We're now documenting all of the processes that are in use and if she fails to follow them, then her work will come under review.

If she is on probation, do an interim review and get her feedback and during the review you can point out that established processes/procedures that were shown to her are not being followed and if she requires assistance she need only ask.

Make sure that you have someone else in the room while you're doing the interim review as it could turn in to a he said/she said situation if something turns up days/weeks later.

If the owner/company director trusts you to deal with the situation, I'd also consider raising to said person that it really is better for the company to have some formal HR structure in place, if that is availing of a recruitment company and they deal with issues like this or something else in house, then that's your informed professional opinion.

I manage a team of 14 ( also co own the business) and help with the management of a team of 19 ( trustee type person).

I think that a probationary period can be so telling and in this case even more so, it tends to be that people will behave and restrain themselves as much as they possibly can in a probationary period and the fact that this person is clearly over sensitive and perhaps infact quite arrogant now shows you whats to come.

You will find as time goes on this person will cause major issues and upset the balance, the ball is in your court and at the moment you have the rights to dismiss, i would use them as when her contract is formalized it becomes far more trickier.

Are you the colleague??

Get her gone ASAP. Part of learning to function in the world is bending with the wind and going with the flow until you fit in. If she's like this now, she will always stay like this or get worse.

Get your management position in writing before you do anything else at all though.

She’s like Japanese knotweed. You can’t just confine her to a small part of the garden. Her noxious roots will take hold. Get rid, get rid, get rid. She’s within her probation period. Do NOT let it slip beyond this. DH works for a big org that did not heed his warnings about a new employee. He advised they do not renew beyond probation but was ignored by HR (who never have to work directly with these toxic individuals). Fast forward to a few years later when they finally gave the employee his marching orders… only for him to take it to tribunal. He made absurd claims and dragged very senior people from around the world to London. In the end the employment tribunal ruled unanimously in favour of the company. It left them many hundreds of thousands out of pocket and they stung him for costs as he was so malicious. Your easiest chance to deal with this is during probation.

I'd respond: I am currently in the position of managing you. You renamed the file and put it somewhere new, which you had not been asked to do, nor was it a good decision. You also failed to inform other members of staff, causing me wasted time searching for it. You did not explain this when I first chased you for it, so I wasted more time searching for it where it should have been and where you knew I could not locate it. I was extremely generous in accommodating this error because you are new. Do not take my civility as a sign that you are blameless and have nothing to learn. You need to recognise your own significant error and appreciate how I managed you regarding it.

And yes, I would also ditch her after her probation period and if feeling generous, explain why.

She's still on probation and clear its not going to work out with her on the team s she effectively can't communicate as needed with them..so in this instance get rid whilst you can because once contracts are signed for permanent position she's go for constructive dismissal etc as seems like she a pain tbh

From reading posts on MN where it seems to be the norm to keep one's off-spring welded to the apron strings for many years after the reach their majority at 18 I'm not at all surprised by your experience. There seem to be so many people who are never wrong, if a teacher tells them off then the mummy-army is all guns blazing because obviously that teacher is wrong! We're reaping what's been sown.

It amazes me how they get away with it. In all the years I’ve worked I’ve never got away with anything - not that I’ve tried to but there has been zero tolerance of anything other than total subordination. Even as a sixty year old I was told off by a manager half my age because I was chewing some gum (while minding my own business). I just don’t get how the younger ones have this much power over others ☹️

And yes, get rid asap!!!

Get in writing from the big boss that you are to manage her and to clarify the extent of your remit, i.e. can you pass or fail her probation. Do not act without this.

Do you have a formalised probation procedure e.g. cheat sheets?

Most important thing is do not beat around the bus, be clear, get her to put a plan in place.

1. Thank you for meeting with me. This is a check in as part of your probation. I am acting on behalf of sick manager as directed by big boss and I will be sharing the reports with them.
2. How do you feel its going?
3. Where do you think its going well? (Listen to response). I think you are doing well with punctuality, presentation, your work is to a high standard etc etc.
4. Where do you think there is room for improvement (listen and offer to put in training or resources as appropriate).
5. There are some areas for improvement. On a couple of occasions you have asked for apologies from colleagues because of interactions you had with them including one with me regarding a report that couldnt be found. Its really important we create an environment of open communication and collaboration. That absolutely includes apologising and highlighting problem but also accepting differing communication styles as long as they are appropriate.

Ive printed out my email exchange and I would like to review it with you here. Then go through the email and say this was the problem, can you clarify what was problematic. Then you clarify the information you needed and why questions were phrases as they were. Do take on any legitimate concerns she has.

1. We want to promote team unity so I would like you to move forward assuming everyone has good intentions as we do want you to succeed. If there is a communication you feel is inappropriate then please bring it to me and we can review it together. Tone can be difficult in emails. I do not want you to take away that you cant highlight inappropriate behaviour or expect apologies, but I do want you to understand that there are different communication styles that are professional and acceptable and to work with people.

1. We will have another check in in 2/3 weeks. By that time I want you to show an example of how you have worked collaboratively with others in the team. I would like you to think about how you respond to constructive feedback and if there are things we could do to support your growth and improvement. If you feel any emails are out of line I would like you to bring them to me and we can discuss them.

We want a team where open communication, as long as its appropriate and professional, is encouraged and people feel they can offer feedback, raise questions and suggest ideas without worrying. Showing that these are your professional values too is critical in passing probabtion.

I think I’d get HR into it - because personally I feel she could potentially use anything you say against you at a later date

I really hope this isn’t the new norm - she seems quite odd!

I am also very conscientious and terrified of fucking up at work - BUT when I make a mistake and it’s pointed out I have learnt it’s actually just way easier to put your hands up, my bad, and then rectify what’s happened. Thankfully - my company also lives by this attitude. I’m 40 but I’m actually only a few years into my first proper adult job (due to children!!!)

Good luck OP! Massively shit situation you’ve been lumped with!

This. She’s the type who will allege bullying and / or discrimination, perhaps on mental health grounds or age.

Personally I’d get an HR consultant to deal with this as you are going to end up in the firing line and that’s not your job. As PP said, you are not being paid extra to manage this kind of hassle. Because believe me, it’s going to be a BIG hassle.

I once had to investigate an allegation of bullying in a very similar situation ( I’m not an HR bod, just a manager in another department ) . The employee would describe a perfectly normal interaction ( such as the one you’ve described) and just say endlessly

“ I felt she wasn’t listening to me / bullying me / disrespecting me “.

even though she described in detail how the manager spoke to her quietly and in private , asked her for feedback or if she needed support, followed up in writing and all those correct things. She could never provide the slightest shred of evidence of bullying beyond her feelings.

The employee ended up leaving via a compromise agreement as she had entire departments walking on tip toe around her in case anything they did or said to anyone ( not even to her but in her hearing or presence ) could somehow be construed by her as bullying.

Everyone else on her team ( it was a support role ) also had to do more as managers avoided giving her work, as asking for any changes or setting deadlines ended up with major drama. So she was sitting filing her nails, chatting to her friends of the phone and going home early while those around her were rushed off their feet.

I suspect that’s the point of that type of behaviour.

She wasn’t young BTW, she was in her 50s.