Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

@FrangipaniBlue I still don’t really understand why you are infantilising grad students (who are adults). Last year I did some casual work and one of the young workers was only fifteen. She was an absolute delight and a hard worker. If she can behave like this why can’t a twenty something grad?

I would bear in mind that this colleague is young, has their whole working life ahead of them, and is probably fresh from an environment where this sort of behaviour has been tolerated, and make it a teachable moment for them.

So you schedule a probation period progress meeting, and go through all aspects of their performance to date. Provide constructive feedback on various aspects of their performance. Ideally use the shit sandwich technique, so you start and finish on a positive note.

You could say something like, "You are clearly hard working and your commitment to getting your work done has been noticed by the team. It has been noticed that you are willing to work past your contracted hours to get the job done, and whilst your enthusiasm is fantastic, we don't want you to burn out. Here I think it would be helpful to distinguish between urgent and non urgent tasks. If what you're working on is non urgent, it's absolutely fine to leave on time and pick it up again the next day. You are entitled to a life outside of work and we don't have a culture of presenteeism here. In terms of your working relationship with other members of the team, there has been a variety of feedback. People have been very positive about [X] for example, and you did a very good job on [Y]. There have however been a few comments about you asking people to apologise for upsetting you, and as you know I have experienced this first hand when there was the misunderstanding over where your work was saved. Having spoken to the team members concerned, and also from my own point of view, it is clear that nobody was trying to upset you or questioning whether you are doing your job properly. It is legitimate to query, for example, where your work is saved, and if someone does this it is not intended to be a criticism of you or your work. However, what was not appreciated was you repeatedly asking people to apologise for what they consider to be normal office interactions. This might be considered normal in your previous workplaces or study environments, but in most workplaces you will be expected to cultivate a thicker skin and not take such interactions too personally. Obviously if someone has behaved in a way that is genuinely inappropriate towards you, you should absolutely raise this with me as your manager. If I agree that someone has behaved badly towards you and that an apology is appropriate, I will raise the matter with them. Now, moving on to more general matters, your timekeeping is good so no concerns there, bla bla bla."

Then end the meeting by saying you are happy with X, Y and Z aspects of their performance but you wish to extend the probation period by a certain period of time whilst they address the relational/behavioural aspects.

Basically, "You can do the job fine but that's not all that matters in the workplace so you need to show us that you are capable of not being a snowflake before you can pass probation".

I haven't read most of this thread (despite my name), but just wanted to say that you need to distinguish between whether you are intended to:

1. have a friendly fireside chat with her; or

2. provide something in the nature of a formal warning that can be used to justify terminating her employment at the conclusion of her probation.

Whichever is the case, I would not do anything without absolutely clear written instructions as to what you are to say, your authority to say it, what records you should keep, and so forth.

This is partly a matter of ensuring you have followed correct procedure, especially if she is to be dismissed. She will have fewer protections, given the length of her employment and her probationary status - but you don't want to get this wrong. The advice of the HR consultant will be important.

But it is also to protect yourself, in the event that she complains about how these issues have been handled. I've seen senior people delegate performance management in the past, and when things go wrong, it has been the person who executed (not hatched) the plan that can end up carrying the can.

I don't want to frighten you off being involved - maybe she would benefit from a genuinely informal chat where you don't even bring up other people having concerns but just ask how she's finding things. I just wonder whether a more managerially-oriented task is, to use the vernacular, not in your pay scale.

I understand this is not the situation you are in, but my point is, if you have a way of speaking to people in general, it's worth sometimes thinking about it. Frequently folk at my workplace upload things and change the name of the file, or where it is. It's very frustrating as slows down work when you're looking for things. But I've never thought to ask them 'are you sure you've actually done it? can you double check?', my normal response is: 'I can't find it, where is it?'

Yes, this is the learning moment for the OP too. That would have been a better way to phrase the question.

So many managers go straight for the "what have you done wrong" line of questioning. It's so much better to come at it from an angle of "this doesn't look right, what's happened?"

People skills. So few managers have them.

This.

You are correct to be wary, as are your colleagues.

You were very reasonable in your interactions with her but her interpretation of the exchange is so unreasonable and untrustworthy that you are all vulnerable to accusations of bullying etc.

If I was your other colleagues I would refuse to have ANY dealings whatsoever with her without other people being present as witnesses.

You should be VERY wary of her and what a false accusation would mean for you.

I would be documenting everything that has happened to date, and your fear of possibly false accusations being made against you and other colleagues.

This will not end well.

So many posts: thank you for your advice. Thank you in particular to the HR and legal people who responded in a step-by-step manner, really helpful.

I was up half the night worrying, particularly about being accused of bullying, so went into work early this morning and waylaid the MD in the car park. We went and had a coffee and I showed him the emails the new recruit had sent me and the others on the team. In one email to another colleague she'd demanded an apology and told him that he needed to develop some empathy or he would end up in trouble. The colleague that one was addressed is the most gentle, reasonable man imaginable. The MD read them, said the new recruit was a bully, asked me if she'd made mistakes (she has), told me I'd been far too reasonable to her and said that she needs to be removed asap. He's clear he doesn't want to get involved in the details.

I said I wasn't comfortable being expected to carry out a management role without a formal announcement that I hold a managerial position. He agreed to formalise the situation and an email has gone to all staff saying I'm acting manager for the department and will be assuming all my manager's duties while he's off. I negotiated a salary bump and he's said that in the light of what's happened he thought I could do with some management training and to find something suitable and book it. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

The MD is busy for the rest of the day but he's instructed the HR consultant to work with me to terminate the new recruit's employment asap, with a deadline of the end of next week. I'm having a meeting with the HR consultant after lunch to discuss how to do it and which of us will do it, although I think I'll hold out for both of us to be present and the interview to be scripted with her input.

Phew.

At the same time, if this person has asked at least two or three people to apologise for the way they express themselves, it suggests that they are the problem, not the other people.

Learning that not everyone expresses themselves in the most constructive way at work and developing strategies to deal with it is also an important skill. All this person is doing is pissing people off, which seems unwise at this stage in their career.

Blimey! That's an impressively quick and decisive response from your MD. Loving him.

So she has threatened another member of staff?

Absolutely predicable.

I would have HR present and tell her you will be recording the meeting on your phone.

Short and sweet, her services are no longer required.

No need to tell her that in fact she is a bully who thinks she can intimidate others with threats.

Offer zero references.

Her services are no longer required.

In one email to another colleague she'd demanded an apology and told him that he needed to develop some empathy or he would end up in trouble.

Also - this is actually the most concerning thing. the previous info was worrying as she was over sensitive, unable to take responsibility etc. But this is threatening.

Manufacturing- various roles form laboratory, supply chain, shop floor production
various companies
various sectors

I wrote all this before seeing your update that she's going, lol. Posting it anyway in case it's helpful for others...

I would call a meeting asap with her, privately, and say the following. Covers your back that you've directly addressed it, and gives her the opportunity to change, if she is going to (I doubt she will but at least she can't claim that she was unfairly termianted!):

"Employee, I've called this meeting so we can have a chat about workplace norms and how we work together in this organisation. As you're aware, recently there was an incident where you had saved a piece of work in the wrong folder, I enquired as to its whereabouts, found it, and let you know I'd found it.

The following day, you e-mailed me to tell me you believed I owed you an apology. I responded to clarify that there was no accusation made from my part, and you doubled down on your request for an apology. As an acting manager, I have been made aware of two other occasions where you've asked colleagues to apologise for something.

As you're new to the organisation, and to the field, I'd like to give you the opportunity to learn about normal workplace interactions and how to handle them. In the office, there will be times when people make errors and have to seek clarification from others regarding these errors. This is a very normal part of working with others, and apologies are not required for asking for information from one another.

I'm concerned that there appears to be a pattern emerging, and as this is during your probationary period I'm bringing it to your attention. Going forwards I do not expect you or any of my employees to be requesting apologies from colleagues for run of the mill business discussions. I'd like you to take some time to think about this so we can meet next week, where I'd like to hear your reflections on this discussion and how you plan to integrate this discussion into your work here if you continue beyond the probationary period."

In one email to another colleague she'd demanded an apology and told him that he needed to develop some empathy or he would end up in trouble.

I don't think you mentioned that in the OP. That's an actual threat.

Hear hear! He's gone from being nonchalant about it then realising how poisonous a situation it could create to just dealing with it (although it is much easier to deal with it when you get to delegate the horrible bit to someone else!).

Good luck OP. Something tells me she may not go quietly...

I personally think if she’s not a good fit now then cut losses for everyone’s sake. That’s what probation is for. She may be happier in a bigger more rigid organisation, you may be better with someone who gets where you are coming from.

Do not forget the duty of care you have to the other members of staff that they are safe from false accusations and threats.

On that basis alone, she should be out the door asap.

Your MD moves fast! I hope you get it sorted with HR help quickly.

Re your request for management training, Acas have trainings for new and developing managers. Online or in person.

https://obs.acas.org.uk/EventsList.aspx?SubRegionId=-1&SearchTopicId=58&SubRegion=--%20All%20Regions%20--&SearchTopic=Skills%20for%20line%20managers

When someone junior is on probation and is clearly going to cause trouble, would you bother? They ain't gonna change. They aren't a good fit.

Well done OP, sounds like you've handled it well and a good outcome.

The more I hear about her behaviour the more convinced I am that this is less a usual case of her not understanding the work culture and more a case of her having a basic lack of understanding of professional behaviour.

It's one thing to be tolerant and show empathy towards people adjusting to the requirements and culture of a new role and helping them fit in.

But demanding apologies from three separate staff members and telling a senior that he would "end up in trouble" if he didn't show empathy is incredibly unprofessional and suggests someone with some fairly serious mental health issues.

@SalmonBelongInTheWater has it perfectly I think. You're now (at minimum) at the point where you have to warn her that her behaviour is at odds with the requirement of her job and that a continuation of this will put her employment at risk.

Frankly I would cut your losses. Someone who needs an apology for a mild reprimand is going to get harder to work with over time once they have more security.

Amazing update, op. I just want to say that you have handled this situation very well, especially considering how you've kind of been thrown to the wolves as the new manager. Well done.

They could change. Sometimes peiple remain unchallenged and never develop necessary skills. Sometimes they will never learn them, sometimes they do. If everyone washes their hands and passes on the bucket then surely this woman will just remain herself, and one day she may become a bullying manager elsewhere. I worked people like that, no one ever told them they were bullies and they thought it was normal.
Now it's up to the management, whether they will actually take on a training role as they should or wash hands and let someone else deal with it.

Well done OP, the majority on here had the measure of her from the get go, not surprised she made a threat. Crappy personality and obvious troublemaker.

Easy solution, she fails her probationary period, she's not a right fit for yout organisation. She sounds like she will cause a lot of problems in the future.

@Poppins2016 Well said