Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

They'll be at least 21? Why wouldn't they behave like adults instead of toddlers? Your posts are honestly bizarre.

Far from being over sensitive she’s actually an arrogant,entitled little madam that cannot accept she’s made a mistake and is insisting her bosses apologise to her for it.Yes this is a new normal to an extent,my husband has had a lot of youngsters that cannot cut it and come to interviews whining about their mental health and work life balance. If you want a job you don’t come to an interview saying you’ll only do the minimum and for the job to fit your personal life. Yes not all youngsters are like this,many are hard working but I think there’s been a tendency to pander to the young and remove their spines.
In the past folk would have encouraged them to toughen up and given guidance,today any criticism even constructive,is bullying.
This girl is going to be an absolute nightmare,do as the HR says,but frankly I would not be looking to keep her on after the trial period. Her attitude is terrible, she cannot accept criticism or authority and won’t cooperate with Co workers, and she may be trying to go for some kind of discrimination/bullying case with her repeated attempts to get you to accept responsibility in writing.

I agree.
Many of the opinions are those of a (long!) bygone era; such as the idea that age and longer service equate to seniority.
I suspect (reading between the lines, so I could be completely wrong!) that the OP has requested the necessary clout (to censure their colleague) from senior managers, as opposed to being given it in any official way (hence the ambiguity). It's not uncommon (in the situation where a manager is absent long term) for individual staff to self appoint themselves as ring leader...
Letting a colleague know the correct place to put something is one thing, reprimanding them in the process is quite another!

I think some posters are misunderstanding what I meant by "treating like toddlers".

I mean in the sense that managers should teach new employees and help them learn about appropriate behaviour, in the same way to teach our children.

You wouldn't take your DC to a nursery or playgroup for the first time and expect them to know how to interact or play with other DC would you? If they snatched toys or didn't play nice you wouldn't immediately say "right, out and we're never coming back!"

You'd teach them, you'd show them how, you'd have patience.

Why should helping someone who is completely new to working in an office environment be any different?

When you couldn’t find the file, you could have said you couldn’t find it and asked her to send you a link, then she would have had an opportunity to identify and correct her error herself.

Yes they are adults @AliOlis but adults in a completely alien environment.

Even company to company the culture and accepted behaviours can vary wildly.

We aren't born with that knowledge - we learn it along the way!

Have you officially been tasked, in writing, to supervise her in your managers absence? Does she know this?

sort that first

Then set up regular 1:1 with her for every 2 weeks to start with. These should be there to help her succeed in her probation period. Once settled over first 2-3 months I’d normally then drop to monthly like all my staff. Have a set format- her objectives for next 2 weeks (she tells you, you steer her or raise new ones, remove changed ones etc) , what she needs help with, what she needs you to decide, what training she needs, what are her “roadblocks”. Also capture holidays and other absences.

as part of that state you expect her to obtain feedback regularly on what’s she’s doing, how she’s doing it,. Explain that feedback on her performance is crucial to help her develop and to meet probation criteria. Explain to her this should be in form of STARs - situation, task action and result.

Then State that you have identified one area, and need her to think about and come back to you with her thoughts in next 1:1, on how she needs your support to develop on that. Then tell her that there is a need for her to respond a little less defensively to questions,clarification, for, her colleagues. Then say I’ll give you 3 examples. Those 3 examples should be as STARS - S= a brief reminder of the situation, T= the task she was doing, agian brief clarification, in this case ensure you say update and load back to be easily available for colleagues A= action- explain what happened when you went to look, why you couldn’t find, and her responses to you. Factual. Try to quote as much as you can of the exchange. R= result = how that interaction made you feel- I feel that in raising the issue you elevated the emotional stakes, I feel you were not listening to the issue and could have pointed out you’d moved and renamed file, wasting company time, etc. also point out that colleagues need to know they can feed back issues “safely”- we all make mistakes, and so,e times these need to be raised and discussed. There is a clear line between bullying and feedback- one is destructive and the other constructive. She will not grow and develop without being open to constructive feedback. She is early in her career and it’s vital she learns this.

keep to “I” statements or company statements not “you”.

When you’ve given your STAR, ask her for her side of the A and R bit. ask her why she renamed and moved file- her side of the A ….discuss it with her. Try to understand why, from her perspective she did what she did- identify root cause- training? Mistake? Or she thinks she has a better filing system? Discuss these with her…address root cause. But then come back to how she managed it and impression she created in her behaviour ….

repeat with details of STARs for, your colleagues- you need to get these details and be clear, precise and exact.

don’t ask her for immediate responses, ask her to reflect on how she might approach the same STARs differently ?

Then follow up in a couple of weeks

Document everything- the STARs you used, what you agreed, what you didn’t agree, what her root cause reasons were etc . Ask her to read your document via email next day, and agree with it in writing or add/ amend as needed

if she reacts with emotional outbursts, remind her you are acting as her manager. You are responsible for ensuring she succeeds in the company and meets her objectives both in terms of tasks, but also in terms of being part of the team, the culture etc. repeat it is vital she understands that managers , and even colleagues need to provide feedback or raise ad hoc issue safely.

if she looses it, say you will document what has been discussed to date, but will not continue with the meeting at that stage. Go straight to HR and tell them you have problem you need their advice on how to go forward with. If necessary, ask them to come and observe your next 1:1 with her. That way they can gauge the situation for themselves. When talking to HR, make sure you state “I need help/adivce” not “she is this”

equally do not respond to any tears if she starts crying- hand over some tissues, ensure she has water (make sure you have to hand before meeting) , but don’t draw attention to it- tears are often sign of frustration and high emotions so are frankly, best ignored nicely with a “are you ok to continue this conversation?” so that she can regain composure with some dignity - nothing worse than a boss turning on full attention sympathetic or otherwise response to tears- just makes it more likely you end up crying even more🤷🏼‍♀️ . Just hand over a tissue as a silent acknowledgement that she is crying, and continue with conversation as if she isn’t crying. Ignore the nose blowing, and leaky eyes😳

@Appleofmyeye2023 what industry please?

If you don’t mind sharing that is

I understood what you meant, although I knew you'd be pounced on for it.

Young, inexperienced people make mistakes. That's why they aren't paid very much. Of course they need more of a steer, and while I'm very much in favour of wfh, I do think the lack of office socialisation and reliance on e-communication might not be great for young people new to this kind of workplace.

It may well be that this person isn't a good fit, isn't ready to learn and shouldn't be passed on probation. It happens. But the heavy handedness, the meanness, the absolute refusal to even try to help her have a chance to improve, the certainty that she couldn't possibly be reacting to any weak spot in the workplace, is just awful.

But it's not surprising. Management is largely done by people who shouldn't be doing it because they don't have patience or people skills. It's the only job that you get promoted into because you were good at something else (and even that's often not the case). I can totally understand why there are so many crap managers but that doesn't really help the situation.

@DrSbaitso nonsense, some grad programmes start around £40k which isn’t bad if they are living at home.

Did you point out to her that by renaming the file and then putting it in the wrong place, she hadn't actually completed the task as asked?

Yeah she completed the task but got it wrong. Does she think that’s ok? 😵‍💫

Yes. They're grad schemes, not YTS.

This sounds like the sort of thing that has got much worse since people started to WFH much more. Being in an office and sitting next to / opposite colleagues means that non verbal communication plays much more of a role.
Some recent graduate youngster having to always do everything remotely means they won't have been able to grasp the office etiquette - not just of this office, but of any office anywhere. They won't have got to know people properly.
The impact of allowing people to work from home so much is going to be felt in lots of ways like this for a long time to come, or until they realise how damaging it is for people at the start of their careers. It's fine for those who know what they are doing as they had the benefit of years of being office based themselves.

she’s actually an arrogant,entitled little madam

It doesn't matter what she's done. This is disrespectful unprofessional language and not the way to think as a manager.

Focus on the behaviour, not the person you imagine is behind it.

@AliOlis how do the training schemes work? Guessing they are paid at a lower rate?

Why should helping someone who is completely new to working in an office environment be any different?

They need training in their role, and perhaps around interpersonal / cultural norms in their team / office.

However, at 21+ they don't ordinarily require basic guidance in standard respect & courtesy to others.

I have 16 year olds on work placement with me regularly, as part of a year we have in Irish secondary schools called Transition Year. They are always well able to communicate appropriately.

I'm not saying this woman shouldn't be supported, just that the idea we shouldn't expect grown adults to have gasped basic courtesy is madness

"The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had."

Fire her. This has no prospect of improving. She's too immature to be working in the role.

But the heavy handedness, the meanness, the absolute refusal to even try to help her have a chance to improve, the certainty that she couldn't possibly be reacting to any weak spot in the workplace, is just awful.

I absolutely agree with this.

Regardless of why she's behaving like this, she's deserving of respectful guidance, feedback & chancres to address it.

We all make mistakes, new grad or not.

And for 16/17s?

As a graduate trainee in the City, my immediate boss told me early on :"You are not yet an asset. Currently you are still a liability. Listen, learn, and do as you're told". With little experience and no professional qualifications at that point, I wasn't remotely offended; it seemed entirely logical to me - but I'd hate to think how the OP's colleague would have responded!

Why are you comparing nursery kids to grown adults in a work situation??

The grad is being oversensitive, and wont last in any industry with that attitude. Taking criticism is a major step in GROWING UP.

If you have any sway in this, make sure you don't let her pass her probationary period. This person will be a nightmare.

Going against the grain here. 'so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it.'

There was no need to ask her to double-check it was completed - she'd just told you that she had completed it. All that was needed was to then ask her to double check she'd uploaded it, as you couldn't find the file in the normal place.

She is being unreasonable in making a fuss over it from the get-go. If it were me, I'd have kept schum and waited to see if it was a recurrent behaviour from you, over time. Particularly as I was new.

I've been in a workplace where I was constantly undermined, if I said I'd done something, the new manager who came in, would go and check, question me, keep tabs on me, despite the fact I'd always done what I said I had. He'd question me in front of staff if I'd adhered to protocol, on tasks that I'd been signed off on years previous, had trained other staff to do, and were there was no reason at all to think I wasn't. This kind of behaviour was bullying as it went on for months, despite my raising the issue, it just got worse, not better. I was the only staff member subjected to it, and I was very competent at my job, so it was unfounded undermining behaviour. It absolutely eroded my self-esteem after months, and left me feeling depressed - it was very clever the way he did it, too.

I understand this is not the situation you are in, but my point is, if you have a way of speaking to people in general, it's worth sometimes thinking about it. Frequently folk at my workplace upload things and change the name of the file, or where it is. It's very frustrating as slows down work when you're looking for things. But I've never thought to ask them 'are you sure you've actually done it? can you double check?', my normal response is: 'I can't find it, where is it?'

I can honestly see her point. I can see yours. As I say, if I was her, I'd have made a mental note of something if it upset me, but wait to see if the behaviour re-occurred before challenging it.

By all means have a conversation with her, but tread carefully, but if any convos with her take place, you'd maybe be best have HR present, and I'd be careful of telling her anything such as the whole team find her difficult. You're going to leave her feeling grim.

I don't think there's any point having a clique-esque attitude to the work team ie: 'teams great, we all gel really well but this new person is difficult'. People come and go, and the dynamic of the team will change, and the existing staff need to be able to work with different personalities.

I also think, if you're not actually sorry for what you said to her, then you've made a rod for your own back challenging it as you've already apologised for your behaviour.

Work is tough sometimes, because of people. It's a pain in the arse. But I'd be careful of joining in the talking about a new staff member behind her back with other staff, it's not nice. If they're complaining to you about actual unfounded accusations she's making, then it needs dealt with properly.

Next step is her blaming others for her mistakes- you dodnt tell me/Iwas not informed/I did what you said,your instruction was not clear. Either extend probation or end her contract after that.

It did cross my mind she may be on a spectrum, which would change things a bit, as some people I worked with have this extremely black or white view of the world, and if this is the case, although it makes people uncomfortable, I think I would look at it in a very different way.