How do you manage this situation with empathy?

[Preps]

Two women, working in very close partnership. Basically the only people, apart from service users, in the same room all day everyday.

One is pregnant, the other on her third (and likely final) round of IVF.

The one who isn't pregnant is clearly in significant distress, but this is coming out as her being truly vile to the pregnant one, who is basically being bullied for being pregnant, a protected characteristic.

Pregnant colleague does understand how hard it must be and is trying to be tactful, but also wants to enjoy her pregnancy.

So the behaviour against the protected characteristic needs to be managed, but the other colleague is really struggling too.

TBH I think the best answer is probably that the non-pregnant woman is signed off sick, but I don't think I can suggest that.

Can you separate them into different rooms? Is it not a disciplinary action for the colleague who is treating the other colleague in a vile manner - respectfully despite what is going on in someone's personal life, there's no excuse to be vile to a colleague who has done absolutely nothing wrong. Bullying in the workplace is wrong and needs to be stamped out, it can't be excused by someone's personal life.

Is it at all possible for them to be sat in different offices or even one put on another team until mat leave?

But she isn't sick, not in as far as she is incapable of working. Whilst you can empathise with the personal situation, you do what you would do with ANY employee who is bullying and being discriminatory. You take her into a meeting, you issue an appropriate warning - which you may choose to make informal in the first instance, citing examples of her behaviour. You set clear expectations for future behaviour. And you lay down what action will follow if the expectations are not met. And follow it up in writing.

To do anything else is discriminatory in itself. It's sad that she's struggling to conceive. It's sad that she isn't having it well. But that's no excuse - this is a workplace and not a social. You wouldn't excuse racism briar someone has a good excuse. This is no different. Her personal struggles are no excuse for vile behaviour.

Yes, absolutely, it is a disciplinary matter,

She sounds totally unreasonable. If you can't separate them, then she needs speaking to about her behaviour. This is the bit that needs to be tactful...be full of empathy but say that her current behaviour has be short of what you'd expect. Say that while you understand it must be difficult, if she's really struggling then sick leave is an option.

I think a doctor would sign her off, probably with work related stress.

But is she not sick if they usually got on and now her MH has taken a battering?

They do specialist work which requires 2 people. There isn't other work they could do or anyone else to make up the pair. Both senior professionals, as it happens.

The non pregnant woman needs to be told kindly but firmly that the bullying must stop or disciplinary procedures will follow. As hard as it must be for her, it's not the pregnant woman's fault she's having a difficult time with her fertility and she needs to find a way to deal with it.
Does your workplace offer employee counselling that you could direct her too? She shouldn't be signed off sick as this would just be avoiding the problem and there's a higher likelihood the other woman will off sick with pregnancy issues leaving you with no staff.

You mean, pander to or reward bullying? At what point will that stop? Should she be moved to a childless team? She might need to bully new parents? Or those with toddlers? Would it be OK if they only have teenagers?

Absolutely it can (should?) be dealt with via the disciplinary policy, I was just wondering if there's a better way, bearing in mind the circumstances.

I do think a doctor would sign her off on the basis that her MH is suffering as a result of the circumstances and that her behaviour is because of her MH struggles.

Why was this not nipped in the bud before it even got as far as a disciplinary manner?

Surely it should be the bully signed off, if that needs to happen? It's her mental health that's causing the issue?

Yes, that's what I mean, non-pregnant bully signed off due to MH/stress

I cannot get past a woman going through IVF being hateful towards a pregnant woman. I struggled to get pregnant and all around me were friends and colleagues getting pregnant and having babies. I felt nothing but joy for them and talked to my therapist about my feelings, mostly that I needed to accept I might remain child free. Maybe you could suggest this somehow — re therapy for the non pregnant woman. Not in a ‘there’s something wrong with you’ type way, but more like ‘this might help process your feelings’ And offer to help pay??!! Is that even possible.

Yes doctors will sign people off. That doesn't mean they are sick. But that's down to her. You then follow your sickness absence procedures. This is a workplace and not a support group. I am sympathetic. I couldn't have my own children either. I didn't need to bully somebody who could because they could. It isn't an excuse for bad behaviour or, frankly, swinging the lead. If she can't cope then she needs to deal with that, not take it out on others - nor take it out on her employer.

How do you stop bullying before it happens? How exactly would you have "nipped it in the bud"? It's not like she doesn't know her behaviour isn't OK. She "can't help it". She has of course been told it needs to stop.

Oh if she's been told this needs to stop already, I'd just say " as hard as this may be for you in your situation, this is your final verbal warning and any further incidences will result in disciplinary proceedings being brought, as much as I feel for you"

Well your OP makes it sound like she hadn't actually been told it needs to stop, and this was the first conversation with her

If you have told her before you must be on a path with next steps e.g.

A quiet word
An informal warning
A formal warning

Etc etc. Just take the next steps.

Exactly. She can help it . She's an adult. It may be hard, but that's no excuse for her behaviour. You wouldn't accept racism, misogyny or any other discrimination because someone "can't help it".

There is no excuse for bullying or vile behaviour and it should be dealt with promptly according to the company's anti-bullying policy or code of conduct. Simple as that. Not doing so would be unfair to the victim and open the company up to liability.

This would not preclude you from also supporting the non-pregnant woman to help her deal with her distress, if you or the company have the means of doing so. Perhaps the company runs an employee wellbeing programme or some sort of mental health support?

Can they carry out their work from home? If so can one or both work from home each day.

Can they work from separate offices with someone independent supervising the collaborative elements?

Can a third person with no involvement work from their office? Sometimes a witness massively reduces poor behaviour if the person recognises its poor on some level.

If one was signed off sick how would you manage the collaborative aspect? Can you do that now even if there is a cost?

Regarding the bullying colleague if she worked for me I’d pull her into my office and give her a good old fashioned bollocking (probably with a dash of kindness thrown in) for her behaviour and see if that sorted it out without the disciplinary. I would literally say “but for my empathy for your situation this would be being treated as misconduct. If it happens again it will be”

Id try and avoid disciplinary here if I could unless there is a power imbalance between the two because I do think that it’s not deliberate although it’s damaging.

But surely if the non-pregnant one is signed off you’ll have the same issue?

I'd have thought the pregnant lady needs to raise an official complaint and a official thing is made of it. If this was a man being vile because she was pregnant you can bet he would be disciplined, non pregnant woman is literally just any other member of staff, pregnant woman should not have to put up with this in the workplace and should not have to make any changes to accommodate the woman who isn't pregnant, trying for a baby isn't a protected characteristic. Sad for the woman who probably won't have kids but she will have to learn to deal with it or she will end up being sacked. I wouldn't tolerate this if I was the pregnant woman in this situation.

Agree with @Quveas this is a disciplinary issue and needs to be promptly dealt with. I do not think her personal ocirumstace, although so sad, is an excuse either and it is possible for her to stop what she is doing. Mental health issues are also important to deal with, but that doesn't;t make you a bully. She is choosing that.