How do you manage this situation with empathy?

[Preps]

Two women, working in very close partnership. Basically the only people, apart from service users, in the same room all day everyday.

One is pregnant, the other on her third (and likely final) round of IVF.

The one who isn't pregnant is clearly in significant distress, but this is coming out as her being truly vile to the pregnant one, who is basically being bullied for being pregnant, a protected characteristic.

Pregnant colleague does understand how hard it must be and is trying to be tactful, but also wants to enjoy her pregnancy.

So the behaviour against the protected characteristic needs to be managed, but the other colleague is really struggling too.

TBH I think the best answer is probably that the non-pregnant woman is signed off sick, but I don't think I can suggest that.

If she has been told to stop was that her first warning? Sit her down and say I have lots of sympathy for your distress, but my sympathy ends where your bullying of x starts. At this point it is clearly bullying. This is your second warning. If you need to speak to the gp or our employee assistance program about mental health and emotional support you really should do that, and you have my support. If you can’t stop yourself from bullying your colleague, I have a duty of care to protect x, you will get your 3rd warning and be placed on leave while this is reviewed.

but speak to hr re the language because you might have a responsibly to establish clear behavioural grounds she needs to meet to avoid the 3rd warning. Remember if this was straight out one man bullying another you would be ok he just said it once after his second warning, you’d be like we said no more- you are not listening and this is your 3rd warning. Please collect your stuff. You wouldn’t be hand wringing oh we’ve told her to stop while your pregnant colleague continues to suffer under a bully. And it’s irrelevant that you need the two of them to do this job. You won’t have the two of them when the pregnant one goes on mat leave and she won’t want to come back at this rate. Don’t let her just continue to bully less, dont let her continue to bully her at all.
I have lots of sympathy for her, but as I said above it ends where her attacking an innocent employee starts. Do your legal duty as you are obliged to do.

This won’t be the last time she needs to work with a pregnant colleague. Does she just go off sick every time? Ridiculous.

I'd be starting disciplinary action against the non-pregnant employee ASAP.

I understand that she's struggling, however that's not the pregnant employee's problem or even your problem, she is choosing to bully someone and her actions need consequences.

I find it a bit strange that you are trying to skirt round the disciplinary process, it's there for a reason and this situation warrants it.

This doesn’t make sense to me.
If you can sign one off sick - who will make up the pair then?
What happens when one is off on holiday?

Not that this addresses the issue, but if one could be off sick, surely it could be possible to rearrange the working environment for this duration.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m condoned bullying, but a resolution down the official route could take some time - during which time pregnant employee will continue suffering.

Separate them for pregnant womans sake while it is sorted out.

I would also bear in mind that IVF pumps you full of hormones etc and different people do report all sorts of different emotional responses to this - again, not meaning to excuse, but if her was previously behaviour was different and amenable/ polite / friendly she may be mortified when it all calms down and she reflects…

i Don’t think it’s about empathic it’s about dealing with the disciplinary issue of the staff member bullying her pregnant colleague.

If she’s in severe mental distress due to her colleague’s pregnancy then that’s a separate issue and shouldn’t stop the inappropriate behaviour being dealt with. Whilst I have enormous amount of sympathy with anyone going through infertility, it doesn’t justify bulling someone and I wouldn’t get her to be signed off sick to avoid the disciplinary process.

Is there an option for one to work from home?

Quite frankly the bully needs to be put on a formal disciplinary.

They've clearly has at least one verbal warning, so disciplinary next.

Just because she is struggling with IVF does not give her the right to bully someone else.

From what you have described OP, I'd be doing everything to get fucking rid of a toxic person like that.

I agree.

You cannot ignore bullying. You need to treat both colleagues, equally and fairly. You cannot allow one colleague to bully an other.

The bully's personal circumstances may explain her behaviour but it in on way excuses it. It is not acceptable and she needs to get a verbal warning.

You need to manage the situation,verbal warning and a referral to EAP for support in the hope that she finds a way to manager her emotions.

Infertility is really difficult but it's something people have to learn to deal with whether they like it or not. It doesn't give people a free pass on jealous, nasty behaviour.

Yes, I agree.
The suggestions to keep them apart, send one on sick leave, etc. are odd, tbh.
You need to deal with the issue, not swerve round it.

I agree. If it was a man bullying the pregnant colleague, pitchforks would be out and the shrieking would be over the top.

Agreed.

Just because the IVF woman is a woman, it doesnt mean she isnt a bully that needs disciplinary action and firing.

Bullies come in all ages/sex. She is not exempt.

She needs to fall into line or fuck off. People like her are oxygen thieves.

OP has stated, and clarified, that she never ever meant the pregnant woman could / would / should go off sick. She was referring to the colleague who is bullying the pregnant woman.

Is the non pregnant colleague your mate Op?

But how utterly insane is this? Why would a bullying situation be dealt with by basically rewarding the bully?
Op is definitely not cut out for management if her idea of managing is giving the person stepping out of line an incentive to just go away so she doesn’t have to deal with it.

@Hannahsbananas

I completely agree. Neither woman is sick so sickness pay etc shouldn't be relevant here. I was just correcting someone who said OP was considering asking the pregnant woman to be signed off, as she never said such a thing.

OP needs to simply follow the disciplinary procedures of her workplace at this point as a colleague is being bullied by another. The reason behind that bullying doesn't change her professional obligations or the procedure she needs to follow.

Absolutely @monsteramunch

Just wondering- if non pregnant worker was signed off, who would do her job? Just as you've said that neither can be replaced or moved as they do a specialist job. So, what would actually happen if she was signed off? And what about when pregnant employee goe on mat leave? Surely there is a way to sort it so they aren't working together? I feel for the non pregnant employee, it's hard when everyone around you is pregnant and it's all you want. But it doesn't warrant nastiness.

But why should the bully be signed off? That is poor management.

@Florissant you clearly misunderstood my reply. I wasn't saying I think the bully should be signed off. I was hypothetically asking who would fill in for her if she was given the OP said there was no way for someone else to fill in and otherwise separate the two women. So no need to make out I was saying something I wasn't.

I would think someone undergoing IVF would also be covered by the pregnancy and maternity protected characteristic? I don't think one should assume one of the women has more rights than the other. It should, however, be addressed like any other bullying situation.

Undergoing IVF is not a protected characteristic.

And even if it was, this issue is about straight up bullying in the workplace.

As such, the bully, who has already had a verbal warning, now needs to be put on a formal disciplinary - either to buck her ideas up, or fuck off.

She has no special dispensation for bullying behaviour. The way she is behaving is unacceptable.

TTC isn't a protected characteristic, no.

And even if it was, if you're breaking a code of conduct / acting in a way that results in disciplinary action, the consequences don't change due to a protected characteristic anyway.

Of course it’s not covered by discrimination legislation 🤨
Any more than trying to conceive by the usual method would be.
The non pregnant one (the clue is in the name) has no maternity rights whatsoever.

Disciplinary required, or at least a firm warning. Bullying for any reason is unacceptable and personal issues really should be left at the door. This is why I really dislike this 'bring your whole self to work' thing which is going on, boundaries get eroded and poor behaviour needs winding in.