AIBU Meeting time changed as male in team has to drop his children at school first

[Champagnebreakfast]

AIBU but just moments ago I got an email from someone I was meeting in an hour.To say he had to move the meeting to later due to having to drop his children off at school.
I find this unprofessional. This impacts upon my day.

When my children were little, and I was working, I ensured they were in school on time. I never missed a morning meeting or was late to one. That was 25 years ago when it was a very male dominated world.

I agrée with the OP.

Its annoying when you constantly have women being told they are unprofessional, passed on career progression etc… because ‘they have children and therefore. aren’t reliable’ but when a man does it, regardless of how important the meting is, that it inconvenience a lot if people who have travelled for it, then it’s all great.
Its not. Not for that type of meeting, regardless of whether we are talking about a man or a woman.

I’m all for flexibility and encouraging men to take in more responsibilities for their own dcs.
im hating the fact they are still managing to use that to their own advantage and to look good. Whilst there is yet no ‘proof’ it’s doing any good to women in the workplace.

@Champagnebreakfast I think this would be a great time to talk about boundaries and what is and isn’t acceptable. Flexibility for EVERYONE, yep great! Being late for a meeting of that importance, nope. It’s just rude and unprofessional.

Sorry I disagree.

A big meeting like the one described by the OP. One where people have TRAVELLED to get to is not one you can cancel at the last minute for whatever reason (apart form the obvious, I’m ill and can’t get out of bed type of situation). It IS unprofessional and disrespectful. I darent thinking if those people travelling are actually customers .

The issue isn’t whether it is a female only issue or not. It’s about respect for the people who made the effort to turn up when you don’t.
Having men behaving that way isn’t good either.

I'm sure he's vey sorry that he has the brass neck to have a life outside of work and disrupted your plans. For whatever reason, he needs to be the one to drop his kids off at school. It happens - that's life. My DH does all the school drop offs and pick ups but it has been known for me to have to dip out of work and do them in his place - for various reasons (and I work a bloody long way away from home). If it was deemed unprofessional then so be it. I really don't care as my children are my No. 1 priority.

As a full time working woman I think this is wonderful. Men are generally given less flexibility in their work and that impacts negatively on their female partners.

Stuff happens. Maybe his wife’s day at work was more important on this occasion?

If more employers afforded this flexibility to fathers then life would be infinitely better all round.

I Bet the OP is one of those unbearable female managers who holds every woman to impossible standards because “she had to go through it in her day”.

Thank god for retirement.

You see the issue I have is that, if people start saying ‘well my dcs are my priorities and I don’t care if I’m unprofessional’, there is a high risk that all the responsibilities/work associated with not turning up when you were supposed to (and I imagined AGREED TO) will be left to… people Wo children ??

I doubt that the people left with picking up the pieces will appreciate that.

Of course, you can also decide that there will be no important meeting before 10.00am and after 2.30pm to allow parents to do the pick ups etc…
Quite a few companies have had to do that in France when they moved to 35 hours week. And it also quickly proved to be a nightmare to handle….

Agree with @RudsyFarmer

When women need to rearrange meetings for childcare they are unprofessional. When men do it everyone does a dance and gives him a pat on the back. I understand OP. It’s annoying.

Now men are doing this it has somehow become ok to do school drop offs & rock up at 9.30.

My children used to start 8.20 which did mean lots of Dads dropped off as they could get to work on time.

I think long term though it will be better for children if they don't have to go to as many breakfast and after school clubs.

So who’s priority should the kids be?
What if the Mother is a healthcare professional and has patients? Should she cancel them because it’s a Mother’s job? What if the mother also works full time? What if she’s the breadwinner? Many people have no support network beyond themselves and their children.

This post and some of the comments on it make me ashamed to be female. We are never going to progress to be an equal society if we don’t allow fathers to do equal parenting. That will include some disruption to their mega important job roles.

we had a chap working with us who was part time - his wife had a full time technical high paid job in London and our FEMALE manager and Ops manager just couldn't comprehend how it was him taking unpaid leave for child care. Was hilarious to us

I think it's more ok now because following Covid lots of people are working more flexibly so people seem less hung up on the 9-5 and there is a general feeling that people have lives that need to be attended to as well as work that needs to be done. I think we no longer pretend we don't have a life outside the workplace.

Goodness me, what a miserable person you are OP. Heaven forbid so wine prioritises their children over a meeting. A minor inconvenience for you surely. And what on earth does being male have to do with it? Dad's do have equal responsibility in making sure their children are dropped at school and cared for sufficiently until that time. Get over yourself!

So you'd jump straight to disciplinary without even bothering to find out a reason? The fact it was so last minute screams unexpected issue. If the parent had known there was a childcare issue then it's reasonable to assume he wouldn't have waited till an hour before the meeting to try and rearrange it. I hope you don't have any employees as you obviously have no idea how to manage people.

@ManyNameChanges so if he is the only person possibly to be responsible for his children for whatever reason what was he supposed to do in this situation?

This whole post in infuriating he is an equal partner and for whatever reason had to be responsible that morning last minute so something obviously come up. He can't just leave his children to fend for themselves that is literally the only option? Everyone has impossibly high expectations of people are just so annoying what the eff else do you suggest he did if you think he was in the wrong? His wife might have been the one bed bound with an illness or in hospital or anything you don't know.. so does he pretend his children don't exist and go to work to his meeting and hope that his children survive without him? Please can someone explain how they think he is in the wrong if that's your view because I just can't comprehend it..

This!

You are being completely unreasonable.

firstly, the working work needs to change to accommodate working parents. That’s never going to change if people take issue with this.

secondly, you have no idea the circumstances around this so who are you to judge?

thirdly, the fact that you mention that he is male must mean that this has a part in it for you. How can we possibly move towards gender equality with people acting like this if a father needs to care for his children?!

FfS is it really such a big deal? Many people have stuff that comes up and they need to move meetings. Why is this a problem for you beyond wanting to make a point about how your family never impacted on your work?

The fact 5hat the OP was never afforded flexibility in the past should not mean that she is annoyed when someone else requests this. Most people hate being late for work but sometimes shit happens.

I completely get it! It's frustrating to feel like you couldn't have done that when your children were younger.

However, flexible working is a good thing and I hope if this man is doing it then women in your workplace would be able to also? If not, that is a problem.

Also, if he's providing the childcare on this occasion that is breaking gender stereotypes which is great for women too.
If he's a single or separated parent then great on him for taking it seriously (I know it shouldn't be great and it should be normal but in a lot of situations this would be a case of, "I have a meeting so you (mum) need to see to the kids."
If he's married then also great because the mum I'd assume is working also and isn't necessarily the default parent and childcare isn't just falling to her - again should be the norm but definitely isn't.

This

Man wants to make sure his children get to school and probably makes them feel more loved and important that it’s a close relation dropping them off and not a childcare provider? And you’re worried it conveniences you? Move the meeting to be last thing the evening before? Change your work around so you can do some work before the meeting? The only thing stopping more work places being flexible seems to be everyone else’s unwillingness to compromise. I’m guessing by the use of the word male you’d have had no problems if it had been a female asking.

And for whatever reason, he was also supposed to be in a meeting, that is agreed to. Not just you run of the mill meeting (which I agree can be moved etc…) but one with people who had travelled and an important big meeting. Could well have been a meeting with customers to deal with a complaint for example (yep I’ve done many of them and they’re not fun at all). These people might have travelled from abroad.

So yes you can think a lot of different scenarios where he ‘couldn’t do any different’. There are also a hell of a lot of scenarios where his partner could have done that school run too (Note btw that this guy’s partner might well be another man for all we know…).

But having being in that sort of scenario and having had to deal with the fall out with the customer because I was the one who picked up the pieces, it’s not fun. And a ‘sorry but I had to do the school run’ wouldn’t have cut it.

I used to work for a boss and one day we were organising for a police support unit to go to an emergency. One officer on the list was missing, I went in and told the boss the officers wife was in hospital and was miscarrying at 23 weeks, pretty traumatic, he was with his two pre school children. The boss told me to tell him he had 30 minutes to sort himself out and get into work. I told him he could tell him himself and he could expect some kick back from the federation, he backed down and selected another officer, not that difficult.

Sometimes things are just out of our control however much we plan.