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Original poster

Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

438 replies

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 14:52

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

OP posts:
MichaelFabricantWig · 06/11/2022 16:26

ThreeRingCircus · 06/11/2022 16:24

I work in HR. Yes, he absolutely could be dismissed and lose his job.... I'd say from what you've said here he may well be, but it depends on what the full story is and you're obviously not getting that from him.

He has the right to be accompanied in the meeting though and that absolutely can be a union representative if he wishes.

He has the right to be accompanied at a disciplinary hearing. This is an investigation. It may be good practice if requested but not a legal right.

Floomobal · 06/11/2022 16:26

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/11/2022 15:12

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids

You want to physically hurt her? has she been sending your husband thousands of texts?

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards

Don't you sound lovely.

Exactly this. Who the hell do you think you are to be angry at a woman who is being stalked/harassed in her workplace by your disgusting husband?

What planet are you on?!

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/11/2022 16:29

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Sorry but… are you on glue??? Your husband has been stalking a woman to the point of being banned from his company and you think she destroyed your family??? What the actual fuck???

You are as bad as each other.

HermioneWeasley · 06/11/2022 16:30

If he otherwise has a long and unblemished record and admits everything and shows huge remorse he might, might get away with a final warning and demotion.

I would find it hard to see last a 2 year campaign of harassment though and believe he’d never be a risk again.

MsCactus · 06/11/2022 16:30

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 14:52

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

This reminds me of a male friend I had at work who really liked me, said he wanted us to be together, and when I turned him down ended up stalking me. I never raised it with HR in the end as we moved companies but it went on for years and and he was threatening and it was awful.

I even sometimes get random messages from him at 3am from various platforms/numbers that I ignore. Still makes my skin crawl. He's also married.

I know this must be hard for you, but I feel sorry for that woman.

LadyLapsang · 06/11/2022 16:31

I would anticipate he will be dismissed and the have JSA sanctioned for a considerable period. I don’t know why he has been told he can’t contact his trade union unless they are representing the woman he has been bullying and harassing. Your anger is misplaced.

PoundShopPrincess · 06/11/2022 16:32

He should contact his union. They can't stop him from seeking advice.
As for wanting to be violent towards the woman ... she's the victim. And if you have any inkling that she could be on here, you should get the thread deleted because you're escalating the harassment to violent threats.

Arayes · 06/11/2022 16:32

You want to hurt her and you hate HER?

You and your husband deserve each other. Vile pair.

ThreeRingCircus · 06/11/2022 16:32

MichaelFabricantWig · 06/11/2022 16:26

He has the right to be accompanied at a disciplinary hearing. This is an investigation. It may be good practice if requested but not a legal right.

Show quote history

Ah sorry I missed that it wasn't a disciplinary hearing. Yes, you're correct in that case....good practice to allow him to be accompanied though as you say. I haven't ever heard of an organisation barring an employee from contacting their union though? OP, is it a union that is recognised by the employer?

Buildingthefuture · 06/11/2022 16:33

@Quveas You absolutely do have the right to be accompanied and if you chose to be accompanied by your solicitor, then so be it, your employer cannot prevent that.
Totally agree that, if OPs DH has been stalking/harassing this woman then ops anger is entirely misplaced.

GoldIsMyBirthMetal · 06/11/2022 16:34

Basically I think you are asking, is it still harassment, if he didn’t explicitly say he wanted sex/relationship? - yes
And can he be sacked for 2 years of unwanted messages? - yes

There could be more to this, plainly I wouldn’t trust a word he says. I, like others, feel sorry for this poor woman and hope he is sacked and she doesn’t have to put up with this any longer.

FightingFatAt49 · 06/11/2022 16:34

I really don't understand what she has done wrong, from you post it's all on him.
That poor woman 😔

Caroffee · 06/11/2022 16:35

Why do you want to physically hurt the OW when your OH is at fault? It makes you as bad as him. He's the one who has emotionally cheated on you and stalked and harassed another woman.

Stravaig · 06/11/2022 16:36

You still don't know the whole story, OP.
I'd be very worried about what he is apologising for. Because you don't apologise for sending messages by sending more messages. What did he do to her?

Bpdqueen · 06/11/2022 16:37

Yes he will likely get fired and if I was this woman I'd be also calling the police if someone had been messaging me 1000s of times over a 2 year period. His job should be the least of your worries

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/11/2022 16:37

They 'approved' a four week holiday? And now he's been given the formal notice?

To me, that sounds more like physical sexual assault of the (most likely) junior employee. Not going overboard or getting the 'wrong end of the stick', but being creepy throughout whilst she felt unable to do anything about it - and then he attempted to forcibly touch her. Especially as he's made such a point of making her sound like a horrible, uncaring person to you - it makes his assault of her so much more unlikely in your head, doesn't it, as why would he force himself upon a woman he doesn't approve of?

My money's on a traumatised woman finally having had enough when he did it for one last time and then he's been bombarding her with texts to try and get her to withdraw her complaint.

PhillySub · 06/11/2022 16:38

Something isn't quite right here. I've never heard of anybody being banned from contacting their union rep before. He can be stopped from going into work but in that case the union rep comes to him.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/11/2022 16:38

Caroffee · 06/11/2022 16:35

Why do you want to physically hurt the OW when your OH is at fault? It makes you as bad as him. He's the one who has emotionally cheated on you and stalked and harassed another woman.

She is not the OW, or should she be if she is a victim of a stalker? Talk about victim blaming…

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/11/2022 16:39

What the hell is wrong with you that you're blaming her?! You sound terrible. Hopefully he does get fired for his inappropriate behaviour.

fruktsoda · 06/11/2022 16:39

Look, this colleague/other woman/whatever she is may not be a good person, but you need to concern yourself with what your husband has done and leave he out of it, at this point. She reported him after years of intense messaging. Even if she was somehow emotionally or physically involved with him to begin with, he's a fool and a creep to keep harassing her after she'd cut him off.

He's the one who put your family's financial stability in jeopardy.

He's the one who's been lying to your face for years.

Honestly, I'd be questioning the whole relationship, much less worried about whether he can manage to hold onto this job and more concerned about where the two of you go from this as a couple.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/11/2022 16:39

PhillySub · 06/11/2022 16:38

Something isn't quite right here. I've never heard of anybody being banned from contacting their union rep before. He can be stopped from going into work but in that case the union rep comes to him.

It could be her union rep as well. Or the rep was a witness. Which means he has to contact regional instead.

Bouledeneige · 06/11/2022 16:39

We had a similar case in an organisation I ran - a married man harassing and stalking one of his colleagues. He was instantly dismissed.

In my experience it is not usual to be allowed representation during an investigation but he'd be wise to have sought advice from a union or lawyer in the meantime. Representation is allowed at a disciplinary hearing.

It sound like he had an affair with the colleague or wanted one. As others have said in the strongest words, the victim of his behaviour deserves sympathy. Your husband does not. Why you've said what you have about her is unforgivable.

Pipsquiggle · 06/11/2022 16:41

With the weight of evidence against him, I would assume he will get dismissed.

He is entitled to representation. I would urge him to do so.

He also needs to know what the firm will say in his reference if he decides to get another role.

He will find it very hard to gain new employment if he has 'dismissed for gross misconduct' on his reference

Sallyh87 · 06/11/2022 16:43

From the messages it would seem that no only has he over stepped the boundary, she has asked him to stop, therefore it is harassment and gross misconduct. He will likely be dismissed, unless there is other information from the investigation.

They can’t tell him not to contact the union, if his closest rep is involved in the investigation then he should contact the central union if he wants support.

IncompleteSenten · 06/11/2022 16:44

I hope he does lose his job.

Why are you angry with his victim?

You think she should have endured his harassment in silence?