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Original poster

Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

438 replies

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 14:52

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

OP posts:
Jellicoe · 07/11/2022 11:14

Agree with madamovaries. Shame on anyone who thought they could have had a better reaction if they were in OP’s shoes. It’s not so easy to “kick him out” as there is an exisiting relationship not just between OP and him but him with their children. It is ridiculous how many posters were on OP’s case for wanting to harm the lady physically. OP’s bloody world is just collapsing on all sides so that was her raw thoughts. We all have them.

To OP there are many people who love you in RL and will support you. It’s an awful thing to go through and we are all very sorry to hear of this xx

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 11:24

Surely this must be a very revealing thread.

Everyone in this organisation will know what’s going on. They will tell friends and family. Easily identifiable (not many men have 4 young children and are suspended for harassment)

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 11:25

So many unanswered questions

Namely how does the Op know this poor woman dumps her children for 5 months?

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 11:27

@Jellicoe
To OP there are many people who love you in RL and will support you

how do you know that? The op doesn’t mention any family or friends

rwalker · 07/11/2022 11:29

Minimalme · 07/11/2022 09:48

If they had a consensual relationship, I doubt she would be accusing him of harassment op.

I think the truth is probably more sinister and he has been stalking and bullying her.

People have affairs at work and it doesn't lead to one being suspended and investigated.

They do when 1 end it the the other is after vengeance all guns blazing

Deguster · 07/11/2022 11:33

Your husband is clearly a sex pest. I would be amazed if they don’t sack him.

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 11:40

rwalker · 07/11/2022 11:29

They do when 1 end it the the other is after vengeance all guns blazing

Show quote history

@rwalker

He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

does this sound like he ended it?

astronewt · 07/11/2022 11:58

The "affair" may well exist only in the H's deluded head.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/11/2022 12:13

I'm staggered by the attitude on here from some posters - if she had an affair with a married man then she deserves it.

Really? Whether she had an affair or not (and the OP only has her husband's version of events) she in NO WAY deserves it. The woman has been harassed for two years. It's not a couple of begging texts, it's thousands of them. She is a victim, whether or not she had a relationship with the perpetrator.

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 12:14

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/11/2022 12:13

I'm staggered by the attitude on here from some posters - if she had an affair with a married man then she deserves it.

Really? Whether she had an affair or not (and the OP only has her husband's version of events) she in NO WAY deserves it. The woman has been harassed for two years. It's not a couple of begging texts, it's thousands of them. She is a victim, whether or not she had a relationship with the perpetrator.

Has anyone said that the woman deserves to be harassed because she had an affair with him?

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 12:15

astronewt · 07/11/2022 11:58

The "affair" may well exist only in the H's deluded head.

This

i would put money on it

WrongWayApricot · 07/11/2022 12:16

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 12:15

This

i would put money on it

Show quote history

Nah, I reckon OP can read better than you lot.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/11/2022 12:27

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 12:14

Has anyone said that the woman deserves to be harassed because she had an affair with him?

Show quote history

A poster at 9.09: "And frankly I blame the woman as much as your husband....she knew he was married...any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets."

UniversalAunt · 07/11/2022 12:49

@LIW4 Good to hear back from you, making plans, getting professional advice.

Wish you all the best.
You will come through this fiasco.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/11/2022 13:04

OP, sorry you're going through this.

You might want to post a new thread on the Relationships or Divorce boards for advice on moving forward practically and financially. As this thread has posters responding mainly about the employment situation, and are reacting emotionally to your initial angry outburst.

peridito · 07/11/2022 13:23

Good post @EvenMoreFuriousVexation .

And for those thinking that the affair is probably only in the husband's head ,the OP isn't just taking her husband's word for it ,she has read the texts and said "it's unbelievably clear and obvious",
And then of course she's been wondering about all the times he's been 90mins late getting back from work .

Ladybug14 · 07/11/2022 17:27

LIW4 · 07/11/2022 10:55

Already done so. He's moved back in with his mum and dad.
I've several meetings set up or planning to do with citizens advice/bank etc

Well done. Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing

Yesthatismychildsigh · 07/11/2022 19:08

astronewt · 07/11/2022 11:58

The "affair" may well exist only in the H's deluded head.

My thought, too.

MilkshakeNFries · 07/11/2022 19:38

What a nightmare, OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Lean on your real life support and be gentle with yourself. Your husband is not the man you thought he was on many levels…it will take time for you to process this. Sending you strength x

Solonge · 07/11/2022 19:56

LoekMa · 07/11/2022 09:51

Your's must be equally as messy.

Hit dogs holler and what not. Hope it gets better babes xx

Show quote history

Based on? sorry to disappoint....married in 78, still married...happy, no affairs...three kids...all grown up and living their best life....oh and friends...plenty of them...that I would help out of any shitty situation....and they would be there for us too....

cherry2727 · 07/11/2022 20:08

@Solonge Im so sad for you. And frankly I blame the woman as much as your husband....she knew he was married...any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets. You are human....WTF should you be the font of all kindness to her????? Sounds like they deserve eachother.....you need to think about you and your children...not this big man baby who had the nerve to suggest you would all manage ok if he lost his job as you work!!!! truly was a fuckup he is. I hope you get lots of support. Hopefully family or friends in the interim until you can get yourself sorted. You are going to be a great example to your kids...of how strong you are. Good luck op.....hope the future is rosy for you.

Huh ?!!!! How did you extrapolate that the other woman was aware that he was married ??? Not every woman who enters into a relationship with a married man is aware of their true status ! That's a ridiculous judgement to make! Here we go again blaming the other woman with no real evidence ! No wonder men get away with such disgusting behaviour!!!!!!

ReneBumsWombats · 07/11/2022 20:10

cherry2727 · 07/11/2022 20:08

@Solonge Im so sad for you. And frankly I blame the woman as much as your husband....she knew he was married...any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets. You are human....WTF should you be the font of all kindness to her????? Sounds like they deserve eachother.....you need to think about you and your children...not this big man baby who had the nerve to suggest you would all manage ok if he lost his job as you work!!!! truly was a fuckup he is. I hope you get lots of support. Hopefully family or friends in the interim until you can get yourself sorted. You are going to be a great example to your kids...of how strong you are. Good luck op.....hope the future is rosy for you.

Huh ?!!!! How did you extrapolate that the other woman was aware that he was married ??? Not every woman who enters into a relationship with a married man is aware of their true status ! That's a ridiculous judgement to make! Here we go again blaming the other woman with no real evidence ! No wonder men get away with such disgusting behaviour!!!!!!

Women are responsible for men's commitments and women are to blame when men act like dogs. Your husband makes a promise to you and suddenly every woman in the world is responsible for safeguarding it.

It's abhorrent but it's not going anywhere.

PiedPipa · 07/11/2022 20:29

cherry2727 · 07/11/2022 20:08

@Solonge Im so sad for you. And frankly I blame the woman as much as your husband....she knew he was married...any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets. You are human....WTF should you be the font of all kindness to her????? Sounds like they deserve eachother.....you need to think about you and your children...not this big man baby who had the nerve to suggest you would all manage ok if he lost his job as you work!!!! truly was a fuckup he is. I hope you get lots of support. Hopefully family or friends in the interim until you can get yourself sorted. You are going to be a great example to your kids...of how strong you are. Good luck op.....hope the future is rosy for you.

Huh ?!!!! How did you extrapolate that the other woman was aware that he was married ??? Not every woman who enters into a relationship with a married man is aware of their true status ! That's a ridiculous judgement to make! Here we go again blaming the other woman with no real evidence ! No wonder men get away with such disgusting behaviour!!!!!!

This.

ViolinPin · 07/11/2022 20:40

At a guesss, I would say he's definitely had an affair. One which your husband has become obsessed with, maybe she's younger.

This may have gone on for some time untill your h or the ow slipped up. Maybe she had a partner or husband and he found messages, maybe the comments, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" was after he had messaged again and she's trying to make a go of it with her husband.

The texts and pressure ramps up with him, so she complains,
It is both, they have had an affair and he has been harrasing her.

Algor1thm · 08/11/2022 11:03

astronewt · 07/11/2022 11:58

The "affair" may well exist only in the H's deluded head.

Maybe, but it's more likely there was actually an affair at first. It's very common that these harassment situations stem out of a real (albeit sometimes brief) relationship, even if just a fling, at which point one person tries to end things and the other can't accept it.