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Original poster

Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

438 replies

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 14:52

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

OP posts:
NeverOneBiscuit · 06/11/2022 15:33

The police have recently contacted the individual who’s been harassing me for nearly 5 months.

It’s been horrendous. I’m just starting to come to terms with it. It’s very hard.

If your husband has been harassing her it will be taken seriously, and trust me, it’s she who deserves your sympathy.

larkstar · 06/11/2022 15:34

Awful for you @LIW4 but your anger is completely misplaced - we don't know the full story - you probably don't either as your partner has been evasive but on what you've said she did absolutely the right thing to call him out if it was all unwanted attention. Your husband is the problem - deal with that - if you can. There's probably been a long process of addressing the complaint(s) leading up to this point. I would be disappointed if he didn't lose his job and then where does that leave him - and you as a couple/family? I'm sorry for you but you have a big problem to sort out.

BornIn78 · 06/11/2022 15:36

He’s been harassing a colleague for years. I’m not sure why you’re angry at her.

saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it

Sounds like he did something to her that could range from an inappropriate comment up to full on trying it on with her. Whatever he’s done it’s clearly been unwanted on her part.

I’m sorry you’re married to a creepy harassing letch, maybe you should focus on what you’re going to do about that rather than whether he keeps his job.

Pearfacebanana · 06/11/2022 15:36

So he has been harassing her for 2 years?
Does she ever reply?
Sounds like they were friends and he's overstepped the mark trying to turn it into something else. God knows what he has done but it isn't the woman's fault. I'd be looking closer to home OP and kicking the bastard out.

FatToFitPart3 · 06/11/2022 15:38

It’s your husband you should want to be hurting if you are going to feel that way about anyone. He has spent two years stalking and harassing some poor woman, and you are blaming HER for destroying your family??? No op, your husband has done that all on his own. Have a talk to yourself.

Imagine if this was happening to you at work. Thousands upon thousands of harassing messages all day, everyday from someone you wanted to just leave you alone. How would you feel if their wife came and blamed you for her husbands wankerish, harassing behaviour? And would you honestly be happy with your company just saying as long as he says sorry, that’s fine and he can continue to work here? I doubt it.

Sleeepdeprived · 06/11/2022 15:39

I am so confused. Why do you want to physically hurt her?? How has she destroyed your family?

Your husband has been harassing her. She clearly didn’t want anything to do with your husband so has been fending him off and ignoring him but he’s kept going so she’s had to report him to HR. This is all on your husband.

I would be making plans to leave him. He clearly has no respect for you to be chasing another woman like this (and yes, he clearly fancies her and wants to fuck her). He’s destroyed your family, not this poor woman.

Worriedpartner1234 · 06/11/2022 15:40

I’m sorry for what you’re going through but you have the strangest perspective on this situation.

it seems like there is 2 victims in this situation which is you and the women your husband harassed. Only he is to blame and I hope you are giving him the rough time he deserves.

Shopaholic123Go · 06/11/2022 15:40

The apologies themselves would surely amount to harassment/bullying/intimidation? Never mind the behaviour he's apologising for! Which is probably something really awful for him to be apologising that much. Some when do men in the wrong apologise? They normally twist things and try to blame the other person IME.

Why are you angry at her? She's not the one who ruined your life, your husband did that. He's ruined her life too from the sounds of it. If they had an affair it's him who cheated on you, not her. Whether it was friendship, romance or just colleagues it doesn't sound like a happy healthy relationship between them. These things you "know" about her, do you? The way you write it, it sounds like things he's told you about her. It would be in his best interests for you to have not wanted to be friends with her.

astronewt · 06/11/2022 15:41

I too believe it was an affair. It is unlikely he has got so worked up over a friendship

You know, I got stalked by a man I had literally never laid eyes on. Never seen in my life, never heard of until his stalking manifested, because I was completely unaware that he was watching me going about my life. And one of the worst parts of the whole thing was knowing some fucking idiots would think like you. "Oh, she must have done something to attract him. She must know why he's behaving like this. She must have led him on somehow."

gogohmm · 06/11/2022 15:41

It will be taken seriously, but they may decide to suggest he leaves with reference rather than getting involved in proving what happened (I've experienced that on the other side).

Butterfly44 · 06/11/2022 15:44

Do you have a daughter? Can you think for a moment if a man had been sending these texts to her and she dreaded every time her phone pings but feels she can't do anything.

How can he be do blind. And so disrespectful to a woman that she doesn't want to know.

Absolutely this is serious misconduct and he can be sacked. Most likely with that phone log evidence. Sorry but he's brought this on your family.

Suspended with or without pay. If without use savings for income until report is done. He should do up cv and start looking for other jobs meanwhile in preparation.

BobLemon · 06/11/2022 15:45

As some others have said, he may want to explore if he can resign so that he can apply for a new job with a reference. Rather than getting the sack for gross misconduct/intimidation/harassment which this sounds like.

wibblewobbleboard · 06/11/2022 15:46

Just adding my bounce to others. I had a man who did this to me - messaging constantly - and I never had more than a coffee and an occasional lunch with him as part of a group.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/11/2022 15:47

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids

what the fuck

hesbeingabitofadick · 06/11/2022 15:47

Your DH sounds like an absolute PRINCE.

Worship at his altar.

Or maybe just get legal advice then kick the fucker out.

BornIn78 · 06/11/2022 15:47

I’m not reading anything in his messages that indicate to me they’ve had an affair.

Their “friendship” sounds to me like it’s all in his imagination and he needs psychological help. I’ll bet part of it is that he’s been following her home from work, hence the being 90 minutes late joke to you each night.

He knows exactly what he’s done, but it’s likely you’ll never get the full story from him.

TempyBrennan · 06/11/2022 15:47

Why are you blaming her?

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 06/11/2022 15:49

Add me to the list of people who are appalled that you’re blaming her.

Even if there had been a 2-sided thing in the past (which doesn’t seem to be the case but who knows), HE is the one who is married to you and HE is the one now harassing her.

BornIn78 · 06/11/2022 15:49

90 minutes late home

Optimist2020 · 06/11/2022 15:49

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 14:52

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

“I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either”

Why do you want to hurt her ? It’s your husband who has been harassing her.

Pipsickl · 06/11/2022 15:49

This sounds awful. He might lose his job, if she had evidence of the messages and has submitted them as part of the investigation, I imagine (and you could get hold of the companies policy on this) it would constitute gross misconduct. If so it’s likely he will be fired.

moreover though, do you really wanna carry on living with him? If even just for the kids? Could you live with the shame of your husband being that guy? I imagine with the extent of the messages that this isn’t a secret at work, and people know what he is like.

I know it’s a shitty choice and you said u would be skint, but would it be a good idea to spend some time investigating whether you could make it work without him? How could u trust him after this?

it sounds like a really shitty time for you and I’m sorry. I hope you are able to come through it x

Escapingafter50years · 06/11/2022 15:51

I'd love to think he would not just be fired, but actually locked up, for the trauma he must have caused this woman - who is not your "cup of tea" and who you, for fucks sake, would like to hurt.
Victim-blaming much?

MrJi · 06/11/2022 15:52

astronewt · 06/11/2022 15:41

I too believe it was an affair. It is unlikely he has got so worked up over a friendship

You know, I got stalked by a man I had literally never laid eyes on. Never seen in my life, never heard of until his stalking manifested, because I was completely unaware that he was watching me going about my life. And one of the worst parts of the whole thing was knowing some fucking idiots would think like you. "Oh, she must have done something to attract him. She must know why he's behaving like this. She must have led him on somehow."

I agree, a family member had a stalker, the contact had been minimal and in a professional capacity.

DWMoosmum · 06/11/2022 15:52

This woman has clearly reported him for his behaviour. She's the one that has seemingly been wronged by him, for two years. What you have heard about her is clearly from your DH. Saying you want to her hurt isn't really helpful is it? He is the one in the wrong. You really know nothing about her apart from what you have been told by him.

Beeboppy · 06/11/2022 15:52

Firstly, what a shock this must be for you. Suspension is scary. However it is also neutral and evidence and hearings will enable both sides to tell their versions. I work in HR and I’m going to share some info about the process rather than advise on your relationship … yes he can absolutely contact his union and has the right to them attending any meetings with him. If the union rep is working in his direct area of work he needs to contact the union website directly as speaking to a colleague could be seen as trying to influence interviews (they’ll interview his colleagues potentially). He should start preparing his case, dates, emails, texts etc in chronological order. If he doesn’t have access to his laptop then he can ask for supervised access to it, to print emails off etc if these are helpful to his case. If he is guilty then he should consider how he can fall on their mercy etc to have a final warning or if that is very much out of the question then he should consider asking to resign quietly and fast with basic references (dates worked) provided to aid him in getting new employment. The union can help him here to negotiate this - and also will usually take over the communications for him from here in. I hope this helps.