Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

Couple of things op.

Your dh is entitled to have a TU rep or work colleague attend the meeting as his companion. They can advocate for your DH, sum up for him but they can't introduce anything new - your dh would have to do that.

The suspension letter gives an indicatuon of the allegations. Your DH is entitled to that. He is also entitled to know if there is anything else in order to give the correct version of events from his point of view. He is entitled to provide evidence from his perspective relating to the allegations. Suspension does not take place nowadays unless there are very significant reasons to suspend.

If this is a large organisation inaction and/or public sector they are likely to have a zero tolerance approach to such matters. Therefore they are unlikely to settle if one or a combination of the allegations are upheld.

If after an investigation your husband were merely given a warning for gross misconduct given his evidence or significant mitigation. There may be scope for a managed exit with a small settlement figure (his notice) to get him out of the organisation's hair.

On the basis of what you have shared he is likely to be dismissed. But there will be two sides to this and it will come down to the hearing panel's reasonable belief whether the allegations are upheld. Even if they are not upheld as gross misconduct, they all relate to the same issue so misconduct for one rolls into the second making it serious misconduct, the third rolls into the second making it gross misconduct overall.

Taking into account the stance of most unions re sexual harassment it is unlikely they will stand before him with all their weight imo.

Sorry OP. It sounds horrendous.

He’s harassed her for two years! If he’s not sacked the company will be very much in the wrong. I’m sure he will be. I hope he will be. Nobody should have to put up with that.

I lost the will to read any further after the THIRD time that you were ABUSIVE towards the VICTIM. You may be angry and upset but that is uncalled for and right now I don't see you as any better than he is.

So all I will tell you is that no employer can refuse you union representation. It may be that his direct union rep is already involved in another capacity (like, maybe, representing the victim!!!???) but he can contact his union office for representation.

I’m a HR Director and qualified employment solicitor.

There’s no point giving you advice until you’re able to look at this rationally and move the blame away from this woman.

She’s the victim here, not your husband.

Taking into account the stance of most unions re sexual harassment it is unlikely they will stand before him with all their weight imo.

Speaking as a union rep, much as this kind of behaviour is reprehensible and I would never condone it at all - but nor would any decent rep not defend their member to the fullest of their ability. That may not be "defending" them - if there is no defence then there are mitigations or just plain begging (occasionally works although seldom with harassment). But even the guilty deserve the representation they have paid for. That said no decent union official would lie, allow a member to lie, or do less than their best - if I knew a member was lying or couldn't do my job properly I would pass the case to another union rep.

I realise you've had an enormous shock, and this is a shit situation, but for God's sake, look what you've written about another woman, who is the victim of your husband, and you want to damage her as well? What a truly prize couple you are.

I cannot believe you're taking digs at HER. BLAMING HER?! Your husband has been harassing her for 2 years! After he seemingly did something rather bad to her.

• *Yes I would guess he'll get sacked. And I really doubt its the first time it's come up. And I also think, he hasn't only messaged her, he'll have been doing the same in person. Poor woman. Blame your freak of a husband.

Has he maybe said he can't have someone with him to put you off insisting to be that person OP? He's been evasive about what he's done, he really doesn't want you to know.

It honestly sounds like the poor woman who is a victim of your bastard husband's stalking should be involving the police.

You want to physically hurt her? Well aren't you a delight - it's YOUR husband at fault not her. Poor woman

Your husband has been harassing her for 2 years and you're blaming her?! She hasn't caused hurt to you and your family, your husband has.

Op is getting a massive slagging here….but I think (hope!) she is assuming that they have been having an affair, rather than it’s one sided harassment by her DH? As awful as affairs are, I think it’s preferable to learning that your DH is an actual stalker??
Either way, ops DH is absolutely entitled to have representation at a formal investigation, be that a union rep or his solicitor. It’s basic HR law. But, if he has been stalking/harassing her then yes, he absolutely will be sacked and rightly so.
I’m sorry op, what a total nightmare xx

You are only entitled to be accompanied by a union rep or colleague except in very, very rare circumstances - and this won't be any of them! For an invetsigation meeting the union should be allowed to accompany a member BUT not to speak or otherwise answer or comment. That is their role at the disciplinary if it comes to that. An invetsigation meeting is investigationg the allegations, not the union - that's why they have to stay silent.

You are in shock. This is a lot to take in given he’s facing losing his job and there’s the prospect of hugely inappropriate behaviour and/or an affair going on and the job investigation may be separate to the messages/affair or be part of it.

hard advice. The sooner you accept he has lost his job and likely ruined any prospective employment ability in the future the better off you will be. You can prepare for the absolute worst. this is all you can do right now.

can you afford your bills on your wages alone?
are you entitled to anything as a single parent?
do you have any support for this from a friend or family memebers so you alone can be supported through this?
can you get your ducks in a row so to speak - mortgage, bills savings, debt etc should you choose divorce?

once the investigation is through then you need to decide what to do with your husband.

I don’t know what the legalities are as a spouse knowing why your husband was sacked if/when it comes to that but I do think you should know in what vein. If he has been sexually harassing a woman at work you should be told imo.

If I was in your position I would divorce him because He doesn’t have boundaries.

if he had an affair and then sexually harassed a woman at work then you should consider divorcing him. He doesn’t have boundaries.

if this is found to be a fabrication or the claim of harassment has nothing to do with the messages you’ve found - I find this unlikely but this stuff can and does rarely happen - then you should consider divorcing him because obviously he is having an affair or intended to have an affair but you can rest easy knowing he isn’t unemployable and will at least be able to provide for your DC/himself.

admittedly you may decide to stay with him but it will take a lot of work to deal with this huge professional and personal breech of trust.

he’s not only put himself into a position where your family’s financial stability is under huge pressure but also your relationship.

he has given little care to his ability to either being able to provide as a husband nor being able to be honest and monogamous as a decent husband.

It’s impossible to say on the information given whether he will be sacked but people can be and are dismissed for harassment etc.

he might be better to just resign, look for something else, and hope they provide a neutral reference.

If the company has any decency they’d fire him, hopefully the harasser will be prosecuted too. It’s a shame you want to attack the victim, is she safe from you? How come you’re not sprinting to a divorce solicitor? 🤮

No it isn't basic HR law that he can be accompanied by a solicitor - HR doesn't do law and a solicitor can't attend. And nor is it representation at that stage - it is only accompaniment.

And actually it doesn't matter why the OP is slagging off the victim. She's slagging off the VICTIM and there are no grounds on which that is reasonable.

Her? How is this is her fault? What mental gymnastics are you doing here?!

Your husband should be up on criminal charges by the sounds of it.

Your husband sounds awful and so do you TBH for blaming his colleague.

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family

Oh do you now? I bet the victim's family would quite like to physically hurt the prince you're married to as no doubt he has destroyed hers. I know I would have happily torn DD's stalker limb from limb, with no fucks given after he turned her into a shell of who she once was.

There is no legal right to be accompanied at an investigation. That comes at the disciplinary hearing

That definitely sounds like grounds for dismissal under gross misconduct. The company could get in a lot of trouble if they do nothing about it, knowing this, especially if he did it again. They will cover their own backs at the very least.

His best bet is to frantically apply for new jobs before he’s actually kicked out. Then get help

I work in HR. Yes, he absolutely could be dismissed and lose his job.... I'd say from what you've said here he may well be, but it depends on what the full story is and you're obviously not getting that from him.

He has the right to be accompanied in the meeting though and that absolutely can be a union representative if he wishes.

I know it's a massive shock but you have see the evidence....in your own words, "thousands of messages".

She clearly just wants the harassment to stop. I would consider him damn lucky not have a visit from the police and be facing criminal charges.

Your husband is the problem not this woman.

He'll probably lose his job over this, so you need to prepare for the worst. But one of the first things you need to do is to be honest with yourself over your partner's behaviour. From what you've posted, he has been stalking and harassing a colleague for a long time. Regardless of whether they had a relationship of not, he has been totally overstepping her boundaries.
She is the victim here, not your partner.
You and you family are the collateral damage.
If you feel angry - be angry with the person who thought so little of his marriage and children that he pursued a relationship with a woman who doesn't want his attentions.
This is entirely on him.
Whatever happens with regard to work, and for your sake I do hope that he doesn't get sacked, you need to take a long and honest look at your relationship.
I think you also should prepare yourself for the police becoming involved, it is a possibility with stalking/harassing behaviour.