Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

I too believe it was an affair. It is unlikely he has got so worked up over a friendship

Tell Claire Foy and Emily Maitlis that. Tell any woman who's been stalked and harassed by someone she once said hello to or who she doesn't even know.

by not just putting up with it so OP can pretend her life is perfect, presumably. It would be SO much better for this prats victim to just continue to be abused and harassed because its probably her fault anyway, i'm sure he'll convince OP she wanted it 🤔

@LIW4 kick him out. you said you're on a good wage, so cut your cloth accordingly or claim what benefits you need, make sure he knows he needs to get another job and pay for his kids, and have some self respect.

You sound awful OP. The other woman hasnt done anything? Its your H's fault. Why arent you upset at him instead of wanting to hurt the other woman?

What @Beeboppy said.
im also surprised he can’t have someone with when he goes to see them.

Are you sure he is telling you the whole truth again?

OP, your dh has been harassing a woman for TWO YEARS and you're worried about how you feel !

I hope they do fire him. The poor woman needs to be given some relief from the creep. As for you wanting to hurt her, why? she hasn't done anything wrong.

Tell your dh to stop behaving like an obsessive lovestruck arse, and either get his act together or do you all a favour and leave.

The purpose of the Investigation is to gather the facts of the case. The Investigation manager will be gathering evidence such as interviewing your husband, the female colleague, witnesses, gathering text messages, emails etc.

In many companies I have worked, the investigation meeting is an informal meeting - and there is no right to be accompanied by a TU rep or colleague at an informal meeting. However some do allow it if the employee asks.

Then if there's a case to answer, he'll be invited to a formal disciplinary hearing.

In cases of serious (gross) misconduct the outcome of the hearing could be dismissal.

In my (HR) experience, employers would consider 2 years or harassment as gross misconduct and dismissal as an appropriate sanction. Unless there is mitigation that would lead them to step back from dismissal (not sure what mitigation there could be for 2 years of harassment but you never know).

He may wish to contact his employer and ask to resign with immediate effect. And ask them what the impact would be on any reference. If he resigns 'normally' ie with notice period, the disciplinary process can continue during the notice period as he's still an employee.

I once fired someone in a situation like this. He denied, downplayed and then cried in the meeting. No idea what he told his wife but when what he did came out it was so clear that the woman had been subjected to such harassment he needed to be off the premises and never back.

So your husband has been pretty much stalking her and you want to hurt her?

Everyone is entitled to a fair hearing and representation.

Telling him he can’t take anyone to the meeting with him is unlawful and therefore, I think this is unlikely to be the complete picture. I wonder if there’s only one Union Rep in the building and that they’re already representing the injured party?

Regardless, your husband is entitled to representation so he needs to contact his Union directly and ask them to provide someone else to attend the meeting with him. He should ask for a postponement of the meeting until the matter of representation has been resolved.

You’re clearly shocked, hurt and feeling angry but you won’t help the situation by victim blaming the poor woman. You already acknowledge from all the texts that his attention was not reciprocated or wanted in any way. She doesn’t deserve your contempt and she’s not the one who’s actions have damaged your family and marriage here.

However, now having read the texts and heard his shitty explanation, you need to start thinking about the very real possibility of separation and to book an appointment with a divorce lawyer asap. Your priority is to find out exactly where you stand if you decide to split up. Until you know all this, you can’t really make any sensible decisions.

That seems to be the long and the short of it.

Weird.

WTAF!!

You want to physically hurt her for destroying your family and kids?! I get that some wives can be in denial about their DHs and not want to accept that they’re married to a scumbag but this is unbelievable! Your ‘DH’ is lucky she hasn’t reported him to the police for harassment. I hope she does. He sounds deranged and obsessed.

If you seriously want to help him - he needs to resign immediately and tell you the complete truth of what went on with this woman.

It sounds like he has clearly been harassing her and if the messages are all one sided with no reply from her or pleas for him to desist I would expect him to lose his job, yeah.

He is not well OP the issue here goes beyond infidelity. How long has he been at this?

He can’t for an investigation meeting, only a disciplinary. Generally, people may be allowed to take a supportive friend with them, but it’s at the discretion of the organisation.

OP, as others have said, it sounds as though your husbands colleague thought of it as a work friendship, nothing more, and he got the wrong end of the stick.

Fair enough, those things happen. But it seems he then couldn't cope with her rejection, and has harassed her for TWO years until the poor woman finally went to management.

I can't believe you're blaming her rather than your abusive husband. I really hope that the police are called in to investigate. That poor woman.

"I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids" He's been harassing her for a long time and this is your thoughts? You deserve each other?!

Firstly you need to get him to talk to you. He isn’t being honest with you but is expecting you to financially support him. You are in shock. I would tell him you have seen the messages and go from there. It sounds like they had an affair and she ended it. I would suggest counselling for yourself to deal with your feelings.

He can and should be fired. A man at my workplace did similar to one of my reports and we got rid of him.

I honestly will never forget how horrible it was to get the messages all the time. I couldn't change my number and I was tormented for years.

I never encouraged him
And yet I knew that people would say I must've done something but I honestly never did.

She is not the problem.

No idea about the sacking implications, and I completely agree that it is the DH at fault here - but I think some people here are getting a bit too agitated about that. It's not uncommon for people in shock to find it impossible to believe that the person they love is a complete arse. It's much easier to blame and direct all the anger at someone whom you don't know. OP is obviously very distressed, and I am not sure it helps her for everyone to pile on.

You’re being so judgemental about the poor woman that your filthy predatory creep of a husband has been harassing for years. You’re as bad as him.

@LIW4 your anger is misdirected and your husband needs legal advice.

Direct your anger at your husband. He decided to behave the way he did - for two years! You and your kids deserve better!

You had my sympathy until I read "I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids" and "I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards." and now you have none.

You are in the wrong and seriously deluded - that poor woman endured two years of constant harassment from your shitty husband and I find it hard to believe you have the nerve to blame it on her.

This

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and your unpleasant husband.

Your take on this is really bizarre considering you've seen the evidence with your own eyes 😳