Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either.

She hasn’t destroyed anything. He has.

Take your anger out on him. He seems psychotic. Please leave him. Get some legal advice and reach out to your family and friends. I’m really sorry this is happening to you.

Im in Wales and sorry OP but the large company I work for would definitely dismiss your DH if this was a colleague and also if he was manager/supervisor etc
Companys have zero tolerance now as they know they could be taken to the cleaners by the complainant and their name or reputation tarnished
Sorry OP. Get your finances in order now

Why do you think there has to be a sexual component for your husband to be in the wrong?
He's harassed her for years. That's wrong. Whether their relationship was/is sexual doesn't make any difference to that.
Harassing someone you haven't had sexual relations with is still harassment.

Take your own legal advice from a divorce solicitor, OP. This man sounds unhinged and he may react badly to dismissal and take it out on you.

Your husband has in your words sent thousands upon thousands of messages spanning two years, and yet you want to physically hurt her! You’re also making snide comments about her character/parenting, your anger is very misplaced.

So your DH might be sacked as for two years he has 'constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work'. He is accused of intimidation (so presumably she is 'lower' in the hierarchy than him in some way and he has been frightening her) and you talk about 1000s of messages harrassing her.

He sounds appalling and the sort of man a decent business would not want to employ.
He has treated her very very badly.

He has treated you very very badly.

This is miserable for you!
I'm not sure why you are angry with her though.

Wow. I agree with others that you should be focusing on your husband's behaviour - this poor woman hasn't done anything, and has had to put up with years of harassment from your husband!

He may well be sacked. Nobody here will be able to tell you how likely it is.

I hope you're ok and have someone to talk to about it all.

THIS. Your anger is so misdirected. He has been suspended probably for his behaviour towards her. You need to wake up to who you're married to.

Your anger towards this woman is very misplaced…

Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship

Stop trying to make excuses for him. You said he's bombarded this woman with thousands of messages for over two years.

If they were welcomed, or reciprocated by her, surely his phone contains hundreds or thousands of similar responses from her? Those would be his defence. That it was a two-way relationship between willing adults.

"intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour."

Is not friendship.

Doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong. He's scaring her to the point that she's had to build a case against him and go to her managers with it. I'd imagine he'll lose his job I'm afraid (for you, not him, he deserves to do it). The same thing happened to my best friend at work - she had done absolutely nothing, he became obsessed with her and their 'friendship' which was actually no more than an acquaintance. I'm so sorry this is happening to you but I have no idea why you'd even consider staying with him. He sounds unstable.

OP you have had a huge shock already and it must be unpleasant reading these comments, but you must see that your anger at this woman is a way of deflecting your feelings away from your husband? This is scary and horrible, but have to come to terms with the fact that the man you share your life with has 1. lied to you, and become obsessed with a colleague while in a relationship with you and 2. certainly engaged in very unpleasant behaviour and probably committed a crime against an innocent woman. You need to fully come to terms with these things, to get your head in the space for what comes next - for me I wouldn't dream of raising children with this man and would be leaving.

It is getting really ugly the way people are piling on here calling the OP ‘vile’, and ‘as bad as him’, etc. While I too am shocked to see the OP blaming the other woman, this can be a common response of someone who is in shock and distress which can lead to denial. There can be more than one victim here, both the other woman, and the OP. Also, on an Internet forum like this, who of us know what the hell is going on? It can be dangerous to assume we know every single fact. This is how witch-hunts start, and adding more damage to what is probably an already very painful situation.

Firstly I'm sorry you are going through this.

From what you have posted, it honestly sounds like your husband has been harassing this woman and she has reported him and this has instigated an investigation, if he is found to guilty of doing this then yes he will likely lose his job or even have it escalated to police. It sounds like he has been the one perhaps reading into things/ wanting more and she has got frightened enough to report him.

I'm sorry but some of your comments sound like you are trying to position the blame on her...when actually she might not have done anything to get unwanted attention from your husband.

I think he owes it to you to come clean, tell you everything that has happened and be truthful to you.

Right! Focus on your husband who’s been harassing someone for two fucking years

Suspension is not a disciplinary act. Its merely removing someone from the environment in order that investigations can proceed unhindered. In this case it will be either so he doesn't get to any witnesses, or because the woman accusing him has said she is frightened. They have a duty of care to her to her to remove him in the event she is being truthful.
It seems there is plenty of evidence to prove harassment, and that's just what you know of. You should be prepared there may be other things, emails, following her etc.
Whether he is dismissed will depend on how seriously they take harassment and sad, but true, how valued he is in comparison to her. But I'd prepare for the worst as its pretty serious and if they don't act against him she could have a case against them.
Oh, and if he is in the union they should not have forbidden him to contact his rep. I suggest he does anyway.

There is so much wrong in this post.

OP...you rightfully accuse your husband of burying his head in the sand but you sound a bit delusional yourself.

"Technically" its harassment? You sound like you are trying to minimize your husbands actions yourself. Who are you trying to kid? Yourself? Nothing technical about it, from what you have said it sounds like your husband has been making this woman's life a misery and aggressively harassing her for years. If he has been told not to contact anyone while suspended but has been sending even more messages to her then he has shown an arrogant disregard for authority and the disciplinary process and sunk himself into yet more bother. If he can't be trusted to not contact this woman on suspension then how could any internal discipline trust him to leave her alone going forward?

Then you're making accusations against this woman's character, you may not like her, but that doesn't mean your husband shouldn't face the full consequences of his actions. Her personal life does not make her any less worthy of protection from your husbands harassment. You are victim blaming saying you want to hurt her for damaging your family when it sounds like it was your husband in the wrong.

Essentially you want your husband to get a slap on the wrist so he can keep working at a place where he has been harassing someone. If I was that woman I would have gone to the police to see about having him done for harassment and stalking, never mind dealing with it as an internal company matter.

The fact you are having to guess at the disciplinary process and your husband is still lying to you about what has gone on says it all. He knows he is in the wrong, knows his actions may in fact be criminal and not just work related misconduct...yet you seem happy to bury your head in the sand and accept the BS he feeds you so you don't have to confront reality.

Your husband needs help. He needs therapy. He needs to erase this poor womans number form his phone, block her emails, social medias etc etc. He needs to get a new job somewhere else. You and he need to actually communicate and stop allowing him to fob you off. Therapy or divorce long term for your relationship.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

I understand that this is shocking and devastating stuff for you to hear, OP, but I can't see anything that suggests your husband's colleague is in any way to blame for what's happened. Intimidation and harrassment are appalling things to inflict on someone.

I endured 2 years of sexual harrassment at work and it nearly broke me. It was over 30 years ago, and it still makes me feel sick when I think about it. And that was without any intimidation or anything like that.

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

I am intrigued how on earth you know this

I felt sick just reading this post.

I was this woman, only in my case there had never been so much as a message exchanged between me and the man who harassed me. Five years after he was fired for his conduct, I'm still suffering the emotional fallout. Reading the witness reports broke my heart. I wasn't an established staff member at the time, he was - not to mention around 20 years my senior - and he tried to assassinate my character and coopted several senior staff members to help him. Thankfully, some colleagues did witness his behaviour and spoke in my defence.

I've never got past it. If those people want to side with a sex pest - someone who consistently got in my space, stalked me around the place, hung over my shoulder, or tried to make physical contact or rub/brush up against me when I was in conversation or my attention otherwise diverted - I want nothing more to do with them. I'm coldly, politely professional, and that is all.

I later discovered he had a wife and two adult daughters. He also had a proven track record for this: that was the revelation that made me angriest of all. Those who defended him must have known precisely what he was, yet were quite happy to have me stigmatized as the liar in this situation. I will never forgive it.

OP's husband has put someone else in this painful, unenviable position and she wants to physically hurt her? OP, I can't understand you. She is the victim, not the predatory creep you are married to, and I feel so, so sorry for her.

Also, on an Internet forum like this, who of us know what the hell is going on?

While that's true, we have to take what the poster says; which about this woman is that OP wants to hurt her for what she's done to OP's family; has posted a sneering comment about what sort of woman she is, insinuated she's a neglectful parent and hopes that her husband will just get a slap on the wrist if he says sorry for two years of sustained harassment. 'Denial' would be 'I know my husband and he'd never do anything like this,' not an effort to blackguard the woman who appears, on the face of what we've been told, to be his victim.

I also agree that they may have had a relationship/sexual experience, the woman was no longer interested and your husband started to harass her. Or she may have just been friendly with him and your husband has been harassing her because he’d want something more.

It doesn’t really matter how it’s happened tbh but imagine being so afraid or bothered by someone constantly harassing you that you have to let your work know so that they can intervene. That’s serious and the fact that you’ve seen some messages of him constantly pleading with her, he sounds unhinged.

And then on top of that you’re blaming the woman for destroying your family or whatever you’ve said. She’s literally the victim in this situation, your husband seems like a lunatic. I also agree that he should resign tbh

100% THIS!

It's harassment, she's not interested and he keeps contacting her..
. I'm guessing he's been making her life hell at work professionally.

It must be serious if it was an affair she would want to keep it under wraps. It must be very serious for her to report him..