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Original poster

Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

438 replies

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 14:52

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2022 06:15

I’ve read about half the thread and all your posts op as I couldn’t stand to read anymore vitriol levelled at you. This sounds very traumatic and I understand your gut response. You have been betrayed very harshly and your life is being turned upside down. You will get through this. Flowers

@Shauny098 Flowers. How terrible for you. You sound very strong.

lifeturnsonadime · 07/11/2022 07:57

TheSilentPicnic · 07/11/2022 04:01

Wrong again. The employer exactly knew.

Show quote history

Well they acted with discretion then

There is no legal right. I'm an employment solicitor. I am fully aware of the legal position!

lifeturnsonadime · 07/11/2022 08:01

On the point of advice from household insurer. Most policies require that there is at least a 51% chance of success. As there appears to be a raft of evidence that prove the employer's allegations it is unlikely any insurance policy would cover and advise the OPs husband.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 07/11/2022 08:06

Solonge · 06/11/2022 22:53

The law may have changed but I used to be a manager in a charity. I managed workers around the UK based with Social Services offices. One worker who I interviewed with my boss and we took on, I was managing. She was on a three month trial. There were agreed milestones she was to hit during that three month period. We got on very well, I met with her every week, took her for lunch then we would have an hour talk over her work that week. From week 8 I was reminding her that one large element of her work requirement she hadnt met and she would need to. I offered help if required, she declined and said it was in hand.

She didnt meet the requirement so I told her we would extend her trial for another month. At that point she rang HR claiming I was racially prejudiced, prejudiced against her disability and her sexuality. I was put on garden leave immediately before any investigation, as a matter of course. At all times I was permitted to bring a union rep or other person with me. Ive never heard of being denied this before and your husband needs to check this out.

Yes he could lose his job, but the investigation will likely take a few weeks and he should be paid in full during this time. I think you know you need to have a long heartfelt discussion with your OH. He must realise that having all of these contacts with this woman in writing, emails/phone texts....he wont have a leg to stand on, so needs to start looking for work now.

Good luck.

The same happened to us @Solonge after we dismissed the harasser at our business. As he hadn't got any recourse to take us to ET due to working for less than 2 years, he used the only claims at his disposal which were discrimination (which has no 2 year clause). He entered 7 different claims to the tribunal - it was an incredibly stressful and upsetting time but fortunately the claims were not upheld (as they were very clearly made up).

OP I'm so sorry to hear the update, he really is a piece of work. You must feel absolutely blindsided. This man is not deserving of a millisecond of your time or support - he needs to leave.

Quveas · 07/11/2022 08:35

At this stage the OP is still depending on what her husband is telling her about everything, and still thinks that the betrayal is the woman's. Even if there was an affair, and even if that is the person (or the only person?) who has complained, how does anyone know that she wasn't coerced or groomed into the affair - it would be far from the first time I've seen such happening. In one such case I came across, when one woman came forward to say that her boss had used his position to coerce for into sex for over a year, it opened floodgates of women from the company adding allegations of the same thing going back over 10+ years.

People are criticising the OP for her own abuse and vitriol towards someone who she doesn't know anything about instead of at her husband. Empathy or sympathy runs thin when someone threatens violence against the victim instead of the perpetrator. Or does that only hold when it's a man issuing the threats? If this were a man threatening a woman it absolutely wouldn't be ok. So it isn't ok when a woman does it either. It would have been perefcetly easy to express anger, shock, disappointment or anything else without the threats.

Solonge · 07/11/2022 09:09

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 22:16

Spot on. I'm surmising it is as I can't get the truth, I've had enough of trying to get the absolute truth. I'm hunan and can take so much
We've just had the mother of all arguments and he's finally admitted that they've been having an affair for months. Including when I was pregnant.
So I'm sorry to all the peeps on here that think im despicable for thinking badly about her but I highly suspected there was more to it than just random perpetual texts.
Either way I'm done with both of them/whole situation.
How the heck I make ends meet I don't know. Sorry to all the peeps that think badly of me for thinking of my children at this time but yes I am worried. I have a mortgage, 4 young kids,, I'm worried about paying my mortgage, going back to work after maternity leave, how I pay the energy bills let alone the food.
On top of this clearly a conversation with the children (older two) is needed as well.
Still at least a lot of you have all had a lovely time judging

Im so sad for you. And frankly I blame the woman as much as your husband....she knew he was married...any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets. You are human....WTF should you be the font of all kindness to her????? Sounds like they deserve eachother.....you need to think about you and your children...not this big man baby who had the nerve to suggest you would all manage ok if he lost his job as you work!!!! truly was a fuckup he is. I hope you get lots of support. Hopefully family or friends in the interim until you can get yourself sorted. You are going to be a great example to your kids...of how strong you are. Good luck op.....hope the future is rosy for you.

WaveyHair · 07/11/2022 09:11

Sorry to here the update but as your husband has admitted to sleeping with this other woman it is time to look after yourself and the kids.

See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row, he can sort himself out. He will need to support you and the kids. this situation is not going to go away and once you get a handle on it you will feel better.

Yes, understand why you hate the OW but its your husband who is married with kids.

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 09:12

I've been Thinking about this.

I don't think the affair is ongoing is it? Otherwise she wouldn't be complaining to HR?

Solonge · 07/11/2022 09:14

Wiccan · 07/11/2022 00:42

Holy crap .

Show quote history

Jeez....your homelife must be exceptionally faultless. Do you have any friends if you dish it out like this?

peridito · 07/11/2022 09:20

The OP has posted very soon after receiving earth shattering news .As other posters have said ,yes she said she wanted to hurt the other woman. Many of us think this was the OP was venting /lashing out .
Many have ignored the OPs post below.

For some ,like @Quveas , criticising the OP for saying she wants to hurt the other woman is not enough and are now implying abuse " her own abuse and vitriol towards someone who she doesn't know anything about"

Quevas you say "even if there was an affair "I understand the point and that's it's possible that the husband has groomed and abused women but how can you so lightly glide over the devastating effect that believing your husband has been having an affair would have? Are you expecting the OP to calmly focus on feeling sympathy for the other woman? And dismiss her husband's confession and the "unbelievably clear and obvious texts" ?
The OP has been betrayed ,she's in shock and fears for how she will provide for her children .Can you not understand why she might lash out with vitriol ? You have to add talking about abusing the other woman in to the mix as well?

LIW4 · Yesterday 17:49

I know. I don't blame her at all I'm really sorry she's gone through this
Up to Wednesday I thought I had a happy marriage and bringing up 4 beautiful little babies age 6 months upwards
It still doesn't stop the hurt from it all

and

LIW4 · Yesterday 22:16

Spot on. I'm surmising it is as I can't get the truth, I've had enough of trying to get the absolute truth. I'm hunan and can take so much
We've just had the mother of all arguments and he's finally admitted that they've been having an affair for months. Including when I was pregnant.

and
LIW4 · Yesterday 22:32

Yes he showed.me them.
It's unbelievably clear and obvious

It's clear it broke down at some point but im passed caring anymore

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/11/2022 09:20

The sad thing that's coming out of this thread is that women will always be blamed for the misdemeanors of men. That it's mostly coming from other women on this thread is immaterial: the attitude stems from both men and women and it's everywhere. Even when it's acknowledged that a woman has been victim of men's intimidation, violence, or sexual harassment, the situation will somehow be turned around as being her fault. I think it's this, and the sway toward victim-blaming, which has rankled with so many posters on this thread, particularly those who have been victims of it ourselves.

So it was an affair. This makes no difference whatsoever. Now we have the inevitable suggestions that it's just as much the woman's fault as the man's, and with this new piece of information she's more deserving of the awful time he's put her through: no, it's not, and no, she isn't. He decided to break his marriage vows. And he's apparently sent her thousands of messages. This is the type of man who, when the word 'no' is spoken, hears something entirely different. Some of us have been unfortunate enough to meet such men, and be on the receiving end of similar behaviour. It's very frightening, it's relentless, and it's stressful and exhausting spending your entire life looking over your shoulder.

No one deserves that. And it's not being unempathetic to point out the gravity of that behaviour and its effect on victims. Affair or no affair, this woman had the right to go about her workplace unmolested. Women have the right to reject men.

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 09:21

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/11/2022 09:20

The sad thing that's coming out of this thread is that women will always be blamed for the misdemeanors of men. That it's mostly coming from other women on this thread is immaterial: the attitude stems from both men and women and it's everywhere. Even when it's acknowledged that a woman has been victim of men's intimidation, violence, or sexual harassment, the situation will somehow be turned around as being her fault. I think it's this, and the sway toward victim-blaming, which has rankled with so many posters on this thread, particularly those who have been victims of it ourselves.

So it was an affair. This makes no difference whatsoever. Now we have the inevitable suggestions that it's just as much the woman's fault as the man's, and with this new piece of information she's more deserving of the awful time he's put her through: no, it's not, and no, she isn't. He decided to break his marriage vows. And he's apparently sent her thousands of messages. This is the type of man who, when the word 'no' is spoken, hears something entirely different. Some of us have been unfortunate enough to meet such men, and be on the receiving end of similar behaviour. It's very frightening, it's relentless, and it's stressful and exhausting spending your entire life looking over your shoulder.

No one deserves that. And it's not being unempathetic to point out the gravity of that behaviour and its effect on victims. Affair or no affair, this woman had the right to go about her workplace unmolested. Women have the right to reject men.

Absolutely this.

Having an affair is not a crime. Sending thousands of harassing messages is.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/11/2022 09:32

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/11/2022 09:20

The sad thing that's coming out of this thread is that women will always be blamed for the misdemeanors of men. That it's mostly coming from other women on this thread is immaterial: the attitude stems from both men and women and it's everywhere. Even when it's acknowledged that a woman has been victim of men's intimidation, violence, or sexual harassment, the situation will somehow be turned around as being her fault. I think it's this, and the sway toward victim-blaming, which has rankled with so many posters on this thread, particularly those who have been victims of it ourselves.

So it was an affair. This makes no difference whatsoever. Now we have the inevitable suggestions that it's just as much the woman's fault as the man's, and with this new piece of information she's more deserving of the awful time he's put her through: no, it's not, and no, she isn't. He decided to break his marriage vows. And he's apparently sent her thousands of messages. This is the type of man who, when the word 'no' is spoken, hears something entirely different. Some of us have been unfortunate enough to meet such men, and be on the receiving end of similar behaviour. It's very frightening, it's relentless, and it's stressful and exhausting spending your entire life looking over your shoulder.

No one deserves that. And it's not being unempathetic to point out the gravity of that behaviour and its effect on victims. Affair or no affair, this woman had the right to go about her workplace unmolested. Women have the right to reject men.

Yes.

Minimalme · 07/11/2022 09:48

If they had a consensual relationship, I doubt she would be accusing him of harassment op.

I think the truth is probably more sinister and he has been stalking and bullying her.

People have affairs at work and it doesn't lead to one being suspended and investigated.

LoekMa · 07/11/2022 09:51

Solonge · 07/11/2022 09:14

Jeez....your homelife must be exceptionally faultless. Do you have any friends if you dish it out like this?

Show quote history

Your's must be equally as messy.

Hit dogs holler and what not. Hope it gets better babes xx

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/11/2022 09:53

If they had a consensual relationship, I doubt she would be accusing him of harassment op.

That's how it happened in my workplace. They had a couple of dates (neither was in another relationship) and she didn't want to take it further. He did, and stalked and harrassed her for years.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/11/2022 09:54

any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets

Point to where OP said they had an affair.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/11/2022 09:54

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/11/2022 09:54

any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets

Point to where OP said they had an affair.

Ooops, just caught up, sorry

Solonge · 07/11/2022 10:09

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/11/2022 09:54

any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets

Point to where OP said they had an affair.

'We've just had the mother of all arguments and he's finally admitted that they've been having an affair for months. Including when I was pregnant.'

RandomMess · 07/11/2022 10:15
Flowers

I am so sorry for the situation this has left you in.

Horrendous all around.

I wish you strength for what is still yet to come and I hope you have some good RL support around you.

Ohyoucutie · 07/11/2022 10:18

LIW4 · 06/11/2022 17:49

I know. I don't blame her at all I'm really sorry she's gone through this
Up to Wednesday I thought I had a happy marriage and bringing up 4 beautiful little babies age 6 months upwards
It still doesn't stop the hurt from it all
Thank

You didn’t think you had a “happy marriage”

you I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

Butchyrestingface · 07/11/2022 10:51

We've just had the mother of all arguments and he's finally admitted that they've been having an affair for months. Including when I was pregnant.

Not sure I'd believe anything he says at this juncture.

I hope you're going to leave him, regardless of the outcome of any disciplinary.

Original poster
LIW4 · 07/11/2022 10:55

Already done so. He's moved back in with his mum and dad.
I've several meetings set up or planning to do with citizens advice/bank etc

OP posts:
Original poster
LIW4 · 07/11/2022 10:56

Thank you for taking the time to post

OP posts:
PiedPipa · 07/11/2022 11:03

....she knew he was married...any woman that enters into a relationship knowing the man she is with is married, let alone has children...deserves all she gets.

Where does it say this woman knew he was married?

I commented on another thread yesterday, but I'm currently awaiting the start of an investigation after a colleague sexually harassed me, and it turns out, several other women. He'd spent months trying to pursue me- before I found out he had a long term girlfriend.

If you ask me, from the info given so far, that could well be what happened here- if there was an affair, OW may not have known he was married. Now she's found out he'd been coercing her in to sex off the back of deceit (hence the grovelling apologies), he won't take no for an answer and has been reported.

Some of the responses on this thread indicate that there's a lot of people out there who wildly underestimate these men's ability to lie, and the levels they will sink to to meet their selfish desires.