Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

I would get him to call acas for advice. He'll have to be honest for it to be useful or relevant.

www.acas.org.uk/contact

The OPs world has just fallen apart FFS, this is not the time to be petty.

Ooh dear, you're definitely being gaslight. Thousands of messages yet he never told you about anything . I wonder why? Eww! Poor woman.

True, I'm not being petty. You need urgent employment law advice. And you need to be aware he could be prosecuted as well. Good luck

Who didn’t close the gate to the arsehole field?

He has the right to be acompanied. If he goes into this meeting alone, he should confirm that they are denying him his right to be accompanied and he does not waive that right.

He can be accompanied by a co worker or union rep.

Irrespective of guilt - everyone has rights and if they deny them to anyone, they are probably breaking their own processes and that’s going to protract the issues long term and leave them open to litigation.

You must be utterly heartbroken and frightened. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What a horrible shock!

OP, you are receiving incorrect advice on here. The facts are:
He has the right to contact his union and should do so.
His union rep is paid to fight his corner.
He has NO RIGHT to be accompanied at the investigation meeting.
He has the right to be accompanied at a disciplinary hearing but ONLY by a TU rep or colleague.
He can appeal the outcome of the disciplinary.
He can go to ET if he feels a decision to dismiss was unfair AND/OR they fail to follow correct procedures as laid out in the disciplinary policy and/or ACAS guidance.
But please, don't take my word or anyone else's for it. Check out the ACAS website.

Just going to get this out of the way first:

"I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either."
Give your head a wobble, you are misdirecting your anger here. She has done nothing to 'destroy your family', that's all on him. She's had TWO YEARS of him sending "thousands upon thousands" (your words) of emails/messages - and undoubtedly at least as much face-to-face harassment, I'll bet. You want to hurt someone? Hurt him - he did this to you. She is the victim here, you don't get to turn her into the baddie, not even privately in your head. He did this.

And as for "Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment" - there's nothing fucking technical about it. It absolutely is 'bullying intimidation and harassment', don't you minimise it the way he obviously does. I can only imagine what your husband's sustained bombardment has been like for her, and maybe you should try to imagine yourself into her shoes instead of making snide comments about her. And - since anything you know of her would have come to you from your husband's mouth, don't you think you should assume that was all lies too? You've never met her, never had a conversation with her, You know nothing about her save that your husband has made her life hell for two years. Have some empathy, FFS.

To the rest of it:

"... my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances."
No, he is not baffled, he's still lying to you. He knows what he's done. You've seen the portion of it that went through his phone. What is he saying sorry for, over and over again? That would be my starting point to insist he told me the truth.

"Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on."
Well that stops now. No more tetchy and defensive, the shit has hit the fan and you need to know what you're dealing with. No more lies from him.

"My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone."
Yes.

"I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?"
IT'S STILL HARASSMENT. Over a period of two years. Or rather, "intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour" over two years. Saying 'sorry, won't do it again' is unlikely to cut it. You're minimising again.

I'd work on the basis that he IS going to be fired. Plan on that basis. You said your salary won't be enough, so I'd start checking out what benefits you'd be entitled to if any, he should probably start looking for a new job ASAP and have a serious look at your outgoings to see if any can be trimmed. "Hope for the best but plan for the worst".

I can’t believe your biggest concern is his job and you’re blaming this poor woman.

I can't work out whether or not it would be wrong to make fun of you.

'She' doesn't even know which poster 'she' is replying to. Or what a percentage is. I would leave it.

He will probably be sacked and he should be .
my question to you is why are you even considering staying with him , he clearly wanted or cheated on you , he put his job and livelihood on jeopardy for her and you are considering forgiving him , knowing he values your security ( and your family ) so little ?

The thing that comes out of this thread is how many people think the at the victim of stalking must be doing something to encourage it or that it must be an affair.

It certainly wasn't in my case and it was terrifying. It really affected my mental health for a long time.

👍

@LIW4 Am I wrong in thinking, this mightn't even be about this particular woman at all, you just happen to have seen these messages?

So it mightn't even be that, it could be something else he's done at work.

For real. Christ it's depressing. And upsetting for the many of us who have been stalked or harassed by a man we had no relationship with and did nothing to "encourage".

Spot on. I'm surmising it is as I can't get the truth, I've had enough of trying to get the absolute truth. I'm hunan and can take so much
We've just had the mother of all arguments and he's finally admitted that they've been having an affair for months. Including when I was pregnant.
So I'm sorry to all the peeps on here that think im despicable for thinking badly about her but I highly suspected there was more to it than just random perpetual texts.
Either way I'm done with both of them/whole situation.
How the heck I make ends meet I don't know. Sorry to all the peeps that think badly of me for thinking of my children at this time but yes I am worried. I have a mortgage, 4 young kids,, I'm worried about paying my mortgage, going back to work after maternity leave, how I pay the energy bills let alone the food.
On top of this clearly a conversation with the children (older two) is needed as well.
Still at least a lot of you have all had a lovely time judging

"She" also claims to be engaged to an orc. It's right there at 18.06.

I can actually believe that.

Sorry, 18.08.

@LIW4 so sorry to hear that. You will come back from this stronger and it sounds as if might lose his job anyway so would just be an extra mouth to feed. You can do this.

I would be very wary of believing anything he says to you at the moment. Even if they did have an affair, something has made her put in an official complaint to their employer. The many texts from him you've seen indicate he's been pursuing her. Were there any sent from her side?

I'm sorry that's what it's ended up as op.

Did she try to end things and he wouldn't take no for an answer?

And what @CPL593H says. I wouldn't believe one word that comes out of his mouth at this point. Because if it was an ongoing affair, she wouldn't be complaining.

Forget about posters “judging”.

You need to speak to a solicitor and get legal advice about finances and living arrangements.

I’m very sorry that this has happened to you, most posters will be.

You will be better off without a cheating, psycho, harassing stalker in your life. He has no respect for you, and probably no respect for women in general. You and your children deserve better.