Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

I think we all know the OP was venting. What's wrong with her ??
Well her life has been destroyed ! Have some empathy .

I lost all sympathy for you when you blamed the way man for destroying your life It's your husband's fault End of

Wow I am so so sorry you are going through this. Fuck mumsnet never fails to shock me in how harsh and nasty some ppl are, seriously lacking empathy.

I have no practical advice however I want to tell you that everything will be ok! I had my life ripped apart. My husband died and I found out he’d been leading a double life with multiple women. To start again with 2 young children whilst grieving was hell. I am now remarried to an amazing man with a DD of our own.

Life has a funny way of working out. Do what you need to to leave this vile man and don’t look back. I wish you all the best.

Thanks Shauny098
Your kind words mean a lot x

Why would you want to hurt her she sounds like the victim your husbands being abusive. She's probably terrified of what he's going to do to her she doesn't need you throwing out threats.

^This.

I think some posters have been really cruel in their responses. This situation, coming out of the blue as well, must be absolutely devastating for you OP. You are upset, confused, angry and lashing out. I think that's understandable. While your H has clearly and majorly overstepped all reasonable boundaries, there are of course two sides to every story, and it could be that there are some mitigating circumstances. The exchanges may have been welcomed/encouraged for some time - nobody can say atm that he has been harassing this lady for 2 years, because none of us knows.

You are going to have to sit down with your husband and tell him that if he wants your support through this process then he has to be totally honest and tell you everything. He has broken your trust so badly, the least he owes you now is the truth. All of it. That's not to say that you will continue in the marriage. That's a decision that you will have to make at some point. Some things though are pretty unforgiveable. He will need you onside - and you will be protecting your and your children's financial future if you can bring yourself to provide it.

He's absolutely entitled to contact his union - if the union is already involved in the case, then they can pass him to another rep not involved. I work in Employee Relations and our staff are entitled to be accompanied by a colleague or a union rep right from the investigation stage. This is considered good practice, and if the case went to appeal/industrial tribunal, the panel would take a very dim view of his being denied the opportunity to be represented. Unions do represent members even if they are caught red-handed in whatever allegations have been made against them!

He may very well end up being dismissed for gross misconduct. He needs to start applying for jobs ASAP. Not condoning this because it's very annoying professionally when employees do it, but many people undergoing disciplinary action manage to delay the process. He should go and speak to his GP for support to cope with this, and he should access any counselling services provided by his employer. His GP could decide that he is not currently fit to attend any meetings, and document that and a referral to Occupational Health could delay the process while the employer tries to establish his fitness to attend. Then there's, "I can't get union representation that day"... Could he be having some sort of breakdown? His behaviour may suggest that his mental health is not good.

He needs to work on evidence from his side, and any mitigating factors that he is going to introduce in his defence. I don't understand why the lady concerned didn't just block him so that he couldn't message her? That's what I would do if I was receiving unwanted communication; I'd change my mobile number if I had to. There is a potential that at least some of this was preventable - did they have a 'falling out' of some kind that she almost used these messages to 'entrap' him and cause trouble for him as 'revenge'?

If you have legal cover on your house insurance you could contact them for advice. Your husband won't be permitted legal representation, but he could still take advice from a solicitor who specialises in employment law.

You have seen his letter of suspension? Have they provided him with their disciplinary policy? I am so sorry for you that you have found yourself in this situation and his response is digusting. After what he has clearly done, and the hurt and devastation he has caused you, he is still being evasive. He owes you way way more than that!

I have to say though, employers don't suspend staff lightly, especially nowadays. The organisation must feel that they have to protect this lady from your husband. Generally speaking, we'd try to find a way to redeploy someone temporarily or take measures other than suspension. It does sound like they have some pretty damning evidence. That said, I was once suspended from work many years ago - several of us were being severely bullied and the organisation took the side of the bully, yet I hadn't done anything wrong. It was deeply traumatic and I have carried that with me for nearly 30 years. I'd like to think that couldn't happen now but unfortunately I can see how it could.

For now OP, you have to do whatever it takes to protect you and your children, so if that means supporting your husband through this, so be it. Unless some major evidence arises that exonerates him to some degree (which I severely doubt tbh) then I imagine in your future, you would be better off without him.

My heart goes out to you x

I mean, botttom line you and your husband are equally yoked.

You both sound messy AF. Your homelife sounds really hectic, 4 kids, money worries and a wasteman to call hubby.

Meanwhile you are fantasizing about physically hurting rhe woman he has talked down about (leaving her child etc) while missing the irony that she was good enough for him to blow up his marriage and employment over. In this economy.

Also don't count your chickens just yet. Affair or not, if the company backs your husband after this sustained harassment campaign, the woman will most likely go to court and the whole thing will become even bigger.

Best for hubby to resign after that walk of shame inquiry.

He has royally screwed you and your shared kids. He is your problem, not that woman.

I cannot imagine what you must have been through. So lovely that everything worked out better for you in the long run, and wishing you continued happiness x

TG that someone has some actual compassion!! Plus nobody here knows the actual circumstances.

I've always been a believer in 'innocent until proven guilty', and it's a good mantra. Who knows the full story? The OP's husband has clearly overstepped boundaries here, and sounds obsessed with this colleague, but surely people, you should wait until the full facts are out there before coming down so firmly in favour of the lady concerned, and berating the OP who has just had her life ripped apart?

Shame on you!

Holy crap .

Wow I'm out .
OP I hope everything works out for you and your kids . Stay strong 💐

Why should she have to leave? He is the one suspended for harassment. It’s irrelevant how many kids he has. He should have thought of them before.

So... it sounds like an affair gone sour and she's out for revenge... Fuck him out and figure everything else out after. Do you have family who can support you?

He is a bastard of the lowest order, having read your update x

Hope he can prove the background - for your sake, not his!

I get that the responses you’re getting here seems harsh but to blame the woman he’s been harassing instead of your lying, cheating, harassing bullying husband is appalling. I’m perturbed by him not being allowed to contact anyone at his place of work not even union reps, wtf has he been doing? That’s an extreme measure for them to take, they wont have done that lightly.

He’s a proven liar, why are you assuming he’s telling the truth about an affair?

You can see he’s harassed this women for 2 years, you’ve only his word for it that she was a willing affair partner if you can only see his side of things.

If they did have an affair you have no idea what he told her about the state of your relationship.

Like many women on this site, I’ve been stalked by someone I was in a relationship with after the relationship ended. It was 20 years ago, I’m still jumpy.

So yes you will get judged harshly by me for your attitude to the woman he harassed. But sympathy too, doubt he’s going to let you just walk away either

Why are you blaming her? She owes you nothing.

HE made vows to you
HE had an affair
HE is the cliche screwing another woman while his wife is pregnant and has young kids because he's no longer the centre of your attention and hes certain that's what hes worth
HE is harassing this woman
HE is not sorry, he's only admitted it because he's been caught
HE could have given you/baby STI
HE has put your family and financial security at risk with his behaviour

Direct your anger solely at him. I'm so sorry you're in this situation but you are and you have your 4 beautiful babies to think about.

A) OP your husband could be lying about the affair and he really is just a stalker who should be on a list. He is dangerous and you need to leave immediately.

B) OP this woman has been shagging your husband and while enjoying their after hours business meetings, accidentally discovered your husband has a screw lose. Sounds like a rare case of bad things happening to bad people but you still need to leave immediately because he is dangerous. Angry at her or not (I would want to rip out her hair personally) she is not even in the top 5 of your biggest concerns.

Entitledto to see what you might be able to claim and for God’s sake please contact a woman’s charity for advice on how to safely leave. Leaving is literally the most dangerous time in a relationship for a woman. See your own comments for how it is going for the other one.

From the messages it seems like he’s done something really bad to her and still won’t leave her alone. He should get another job and leave her in peace. It seems like he’s also not taking responsibility for implications to you or the family, being dismissive with his comments about your job. He’s destroyed things with his persistent, vile harassment. I would be very ashamed of him and start getting advice for myself and the DC. .

If he is only sacked I would consider that lucky.

What he has done is a crime.

I'm sorry he has put you in this position, I know you will be angry/sad/shocked/not knowing what to think.

Life will get better. You will come through this.

‘He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.’

Including the union rep?
This was stated in the letter?
It is not for an employer to determine who contacts the recognised union rep.

I find that odd.
How is he to have union representation if he does not speak with a rep?
Is he dealing with reps at the union HO?

This is a red flag to me.
Maybe the employer is out of their depth or very heavy handed as Industrial Relations 101 does not seek to block employee:union representation, so I wonder what the grounds of the case are,

or

maybe there is far more to this affair than your husband is letting on. It may be that the workplace union rep is already representing the woman involved, so there is conflict of interest or greater complexity than him harassing her.

My hunch is that the employer is badly playing the discipline game, so it essential that your husband deals with his union at national level to arrange representation - he rings the helpline tomorrow morning. If no support there, then check in with ACAS about best practice & basic employment around discipline cases. it is worth finding a local employment law solicitor just in case. The Law Society website can be search by specialism & location.

With loss of an income - if he stays or goes - you may be entitled to top up benefits. Have you tried the online calculators?

www.turn2us.org.uk
www.entitledto.co.uk

If there is a chance of anything, get an online claim in quickly.

Absolutely this. I'm aghast at the complete lack of emotional intelligence from most posters

Wrong again. The employer exactly knew.

I'm so sorry op

This man is a liability and not a good bet for helping you rear your children.

You are allowed to be devastated and very angry.

Speak to a solicitor asap.

Don't feel the need to defend yourself.

A thoughtful, kind response full of much needed empathy in a sea of shocking and shameful comments….I honestly wonder how some of these ladies go through life with such judgement and poor attitudes.

And Thankyou for your kind words to me, I think if any good could come of my situation it’s to show ppl that there is always a way up from rock bottom, we dig deep and find the strength and OP I’m sure you will get through this no matter which way you decide to go.

Best of luck x