Really Really need advice my world has just crashed

[LIW4]

Sorry for the lengthy post but any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. I've tried to give as much info as possible
I returned home from work on Wednesday to find out my husband has been suspended from work. This came on the last day of a 4 week holiday. He told me it was to do with intimidation but totally baffled as to the circumstances. I know suspension isn't a knee jerk reaction

He's not allowed to contact anyone at work inc the union rep.

Letter has come through the post and I've demanded to see it. it basically confirmed my thoughts that I'd not been told everything. He was suspended pending an investigation into intimidating behaviour, harassment and unprofessional behaviour.

I more or less said you must know something, who this is and why but he still maintained he didn't. He's been saying oh but you're working and we don't need the money like we used to.

He's right I do work, full time it's not bad pay but I digress.

Something didn't seem right to me, I've had suspicions of his behaviour for a very long time. Coming home late by some 90 minutes most days. Him getting tetchy and defensive if I said anything but insisting nothing is going on.

I checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

Now as much as the above hurts and it's blinding obvious to an idiot he clearly fancies this woman in a big way. One message wouldn't upset me as much as the thousands upon thousands saying the same thing over and over for the last 2 years.

This hurts, really hurts and I want to cry, scream, shout. I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

Technically the above is bullying intimidation and harassment whether my husband chooses to bury his head or not over it. I can't believe he can't or won't see that

I've never met her, don't want to, she's not my cup of tea going by what I know of her, dropping off and picking her son up and dumping for months at a time from age of 5 onwards.

My question really is, would the above be enough for sacking someone. I've a job/its good/well paid but it's not enough to keep a roof over me and my kids roof
Arguably He's not implied or otherwise that he fancies her the wording is more around friendship if I'm correct that an investigation would focus on the actual content rather than a blind idiot would know you wouldn't bombard someone this much if you didn't want more.

Whether my marriage can survive this is a different matter. I know financially I can't afford the bills

I'm just looking for help and the liklihood that he would be sacked. I've included everything I know. His work otherwise is fine-I think

Also he has to attend an investigation meeting to get his side but won't be told of the facts till he gets there. I sort of understand this so that he can't come up with convoluted baloney like he thinks I'm swallowing.

I'm presuming He's going in and giving his side to the accusations set before him. He's told he can't have anyone with him.

Then they'll decide what action if any is needed and called to a disaplinary hearing. I'm presuming that he can have someone/union to this?
Would he be able to discuss/speak or is it final. He said this/she said this. We find you guilty after our investigation and we will dismiss for gross misconduct.
Can he challenge this/look for ways to sort/resolve

Would I be correct that they have already investigated it given they have suspended him pending an investigation?

I suppose all he can do is confirm he'll stop harassing/messaging and hopefully they'll accept it given their is no written sexual harassment or implied in the words. What's the liklihood this will happen?

Does anyone know how many cases like this end in dismissal?

Sorry for the lengthy post. It's been the hardest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to post/say in my life. Not to mention my heart is absolutely broken

I'm in Wales just in case the law is different to anywhere else in the UK

Yes he showed.me them.
It's unbelievably clear and obvious

It's clear it broke down at some point but im passed caring anymore

If this guy isn't shitting his pants right now then he really doesn't understand or care the trouble he's in . I agree , wouldn't believe a word he now says .

I am so sorry…do you have anyone to come and help you tomorrow? So you don’t have to do the day alone?

He's going to be fired.

You need a solicitor.

I am sorry OP, he sounds like a horrible stalker.

I don't blame you for initially thinking badly of the woman - it's easily assumed that it's a workplace affair when in fact it is him stalking someone. None of us would think our own husband was a stalker.

On balance, I'd say this is likely to end in dismissal, yes.

The law may have changed but I used to be a manager in a charity. I managed workers around the UK based with Social Services offices. One worker who I interviewed with my boss and we took on, I was managing. She was on a three month trial. There were agreed milestones she was to hit during that three month period. We got on very well, I met with her every week, took her for lunch then we would have an hour talk over her work that week. From week 8 I was reminding her that one large element of her work requirement she hadnt met and she would need to. I offered help if required, she declined and said it was in hand.

She didnt meet the requirement so I told her we would extend her trial for another month. At that point she rang HR claiming I was racially prejudiced, prejudiced against her disability and her sexuality. I was put on garden leave immediately before any investigation, as a matter of course. At all times I was permitted to bring a union rep or other person with me. Ive never heard of being denied this before and your husband needs to check this out.

Yes he could lose his job, but the investigation will likely take a few weeks and he should be paid in full during this time. I think you know you need to have a long heartfelt discussion with your OH. He must realise that having all of these contacts with this woman in writing, emails/phone texts....he wont have a leg to stand on, so needs to start looking for work now.

Good luck.

Of course you ate shocked
Do you have any RL support? If o were you I would make an app't with a lawyer and get legal advice

Your husband sounds quite dangerous actually

Union reps may well be paid but they are not paid to 'fight your corner' in the sense a lawyer is.

It is correct that there isn't a legal right to be accompanied at an investigation, but you are entitled to 'ask' to bring a support to act as witness and take notes. If they don't allow you and you are dismissed then that could be relevant to a dismissal claim. Equally, if you refuse to attend and are dismissed it would be difficult to claim you were treated unfairly

An Investigation meeting isn't a friendly chat. It is always conducted on the basis it could go further ad therefore must be undertaken in an unbiased, fair and independant way. Allegations will be put and time given to consider and answer. Unfortunately, if there is unfair pressure exerted on someone to answer the allegations, then proving the investigation was not conducted fairly without a witness would be a non-starter.

Given the seriousness of the allegations, I wouldn't be going into a meeting cold without the benefit of advice and support. An employer does not have to establish the case for dismissal to a criminal standard of proof, so what you say if unprepared is likely to carry consequences.

I’m so sorry @LIW4 I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope you have some good friends and family to help support you at this time. He’s an absolute dick for doing this to you and the kids. Work out your finances the best you can and see where you are at. Everything will work out even though it feels such a mountain to climb just now. You may be entitled to some help if you are going to go it alone.

The fact that you want to hurt HER is unbelievable! She’s being and has been repeatedly harassed by your husband. You need to direct your anger at him!

Weeell, so it's an affair. Maybe not so clear cut in terms of any allegations, but the firm is certain to ask at least one of them to leave. With 4 kids I would be hoping it is her, because otherwise child maintenance is going to be very thing on the ground.

I hope this works out for you OP. He has behaved very badly > It sounds as though she has too.
Agree with others re union rep. DH might need a lawyer too.

I'd be angry with the woman. She had an affair with a married man and then got nasty when he wouldn't accept that she ended it. There's more to this than a stalker in the workplace.

But as you said you have to focus on the practicalities now.

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either.

You want to hurt her????

This is serious - it sounds as though he forced himself on her in some way.

He should be able to have union representation - he should contact ACAS or the head office of his union.

But what you do with the information you are going to have in front of you, is your choice. But be aware that, at the moment, it's unlikely he's told you everything. It sounds as though your husband's attention to a colleague were unwelcome. That's sexual harassment, at the very least.

I wondered if the union rep might be a shop steward so maybe that’s why but it doesn’t seem right

I'm so sorry this is happening to you @LIW4

I worked with a man who did very similar, creepy emails, texts and comments all supposedly as a 'friend'. He was fired after a disciplinary and so he should have.

Your husband knows exactly what he's done and is trying to minimise it.

If he's in a union he needs to get in touch with his rep to see if he should resign or go ahead with the disciplinary.

Looks like your first job tomorrow is getting hold of a solicitor- for yourself. Find out what you are entitled to regarding his pension, savings etc...while he still has them.

What he does with his situation is his problem, look after yourself and the children.

Can people at least put the quote in context.

I want to physically hurt her for basically destroying my family and my kids but I'm not blind either. I don't know how much I would have taken before raising it either.

OP was initially angry at the woman for reporting her husband. And literally in the same sentence she acknowledges the reality that she would have to be blind to the fact her husband was stalking to stay angry about the colleague reporting.

How can this thread be so far along and people still can't read? It's still a bad thing to say but it's not what any of you thought OP meant.

He’s been harassing and intimidating a woman for TWO YEARS and you want to physically hurt her? Wtaf is wrong with the pair of you?

@Twilight7777 It's not unbelievable and very unlikely she means it. She's hurt so she's lashing out.

Bit more empathy towards both women wouldn't go amiss.

How the heck I make ends meet I don't know. Sorry to all the peeps that think badly of me for thinking of my children at this time but yes I am worried. I have a mortgage, 4 young kids,, I'm worried about paying my mortgage, going back to work after maternity leave, how I pay the energy bills let alone the food.

I hope I don't come off wrong, but it sounds to me as if he's pretty sure to lose his job so he'll be bringing in zero income. I'd kick him out and that would be one less mouth to feed and a little less use of electricity. Plus I wouldn't have to look at his lying, cheating face.

If he loses his job and you decide not to kick him out, I'd make sure he understood that 100% of the home and child responsibilities are now on him. Because having been sacked and obviously NOT going to get any kind of reference, he's going to have a hard time getting another job.

So sorry and of course you’re going to lash out at everybody and everything right now it’s a completely normal reaction

I’m so sorry OP.

Shouldn’t everyone lay off her? We’ve all said stuff in anger. Yes, your rage should be directed at him. But I do understand that he’s the one you married so it’s easy to be angry at her too (if he’s telling the truth about the affair)

please get legal advice ASAP. And though you can’t see this now, you will be better off without him