Help my adult son is being bullied at work.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I feel so helpless, I can't go round there and knock her lights out as he's an adult but my motherly instinct to protect him is strong.
He's worked in a government office for 12 years, always had great performance reviews but he does have a history of mental illness that so far has been controlled very well, there was a very serious suicide attempt 14 years ago but somehow he survived.
Roll on the last few months he has a new female manager, young inexperienced, lots of red flags with regard to her behaviour and things she says about other employees, really unprofessional things. She sounds like a total sociopath.
She has bullied him so badly he is suicidal again, she says occupational health can overturn his doctors letter saying he is not fit for work, that he has to call her once a week for a two hour frilling on his performance and if he is unable to finish due to distress they have to continue the next day.
He is seriously mentally ill and just can't cope with his, he is on the phone every night saying he can't cope any more.
Like every seasoned sociopath she is seen to send him sympathetic emails but says she doesn't give him permission to record these interviews, that he cannot have anyone with him, he must be alone when she calls and I can see he is slowly losing his mind.
I don't know what to do or how to help him, surely she can't be allowed to fire questions at him for 2 hours while he is ill like this, he can barely remember his own name.
Does anyone know what the legal stance is on this.
She tells HR that she is "helping" him, she isn't. I listened into to one of these conversations and it was awful that a mentally ill person would have to go through this.
i just don't know what to do, it's distressing for the whole family and we are so worried about him.

My daughter recently recorded a meeting with her wanker manager - she told him afterwards. Of course he shit himself and changed his tune towards her - sometimes just them knowing you have a recording is enough to bring them down a peg 🤷🏻‍♀️

I accept this might not be something your son wants to do though OP - I really wish him well and hope you come back to the thread

This person starts every telephone meeting with, "You do not have my permission to record this meeting".
I've been down there for a few days spending time with him.I felt it was best if I wasn't seen as his mum to be fighting his battles for him as he is nearly 40.
I know his manager would really pick on him for that and call him pathetic, but I've been working from behind the scenes.
I asked his GP to write to his manager above her and occupational health and say that her behaviour is unacceptable and causing him mental harm. His GP has been great.
Surprise, surprise the bullying has stopped immediately.
I've been onto ACAS and got some useful information and he's calming down now. he is very ill though so I'll be staying a while longer.
He needs moral support from me more than anything.
We've all had our 2nd vaccinations and it's an emergency situation, He'd have had to go into hospital if I wasn't with him and the psych wards are heaving not surprisingly.
He was allowed the vaccine as his wife is disabled and extremely vulnerable with various immune system disorders.
He normally cares for her so I'm having to stay down there to look after both of them.

Some great advice on here thank you all, he's not been off sick for the whole time he's worked there, he is very responsible and there is no problem with his performance, he has always had excellent reviews right up until this new manager came along.
He actually works really hard. The pressure of caring for his disabled partner and basically doing everything at home and personal care for her and being forced to work hours of unpaid overtime has made him break.
His GP and I are arranging carers for when I have to go back to work to give him a break.

Thank you for the update, I had been wondering how things were going, you're an amazing mum

His GP has been good, so glad to hear that the bullying has stopped. I hope that your son can now focus on getting better.

Thank you Elephant, he is looking better already now the pressure is off.

I worked for the Government 10 years ago (DWP, assessing claims for Employment and Support Allowance). I struggled with my mental health and was off on long-term sick. I was made to check in with my manager once a week (a woman who made me feel like shit, moved me right next to her to check I was working, set me extra targets that no one else had because I had had time off, amongst other things). I had a couple of suicide attempts and was extremely depressed, I spent most of my time sleeping and isolated myself from everyone. One time I never answered the phone to her and she turned up at my door with the police, HR and my union rep. Not because of duty of care but to intimidate me. They pushed and pushed and tried to get me to quit but as I was signed off, I was covered until the investigation into my health was concluded.

I realised years later that having to check in every week even though I had a doctors note, was not required. My union rep didn’t advise me well in this regard. I would get your son to get a letter form his mental health professional stating that while he is recuperating and trying to get better that his sick notes should be enough and that he does not need to speak to anyone until such times that he is fit to go back to work. I would also phone ACAS and get some advice from them, I wouldn’t trust the union or HR.

I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder but they’d already managed to sack me on medical grounds by then and I was too sick to fight it, it still bugs me.

Apologies, didn’t see your updates until after I posted. That’s good that your sons GP has been helpful. I hope he feels better soon. The government are the absolute worst when it comes to duty of care and employee health, I would never work for them again.

Oh phew, thanks for updating I've been worrying about him!
You are brilliant well done for getting involved in exactly the right way. Hope he can recover at his own pace now.

Thank you good grief Nouveau, what a horrendous experience.

Some horrendous accounts of bullying on here. It's really sad to read This shit really does grind you down & knock you for 10 - vouched for by my own personal experience.

Well done OP👏🏻

Sending

Well done for supporting him. I wish him a good recovery. You absolutely did the right thing getting involved and intervening. The manager possibly has no concept of the difference between a small amount of work stress and a serious MH crisis.

Write a grievance to HR with an explanation as to why the calls are not appropriate, but don't trust them to help. Your son needs evidence that they were aware.
I wouldn't want to work for a company like this though and would be looking to build a case for constructive dismissal.

Oh sorry, just seen the updates. Glad the pressure has eased.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

This person starts every telephone meeting with, "You do not have my permission to record this meeting". I've been down there for a few days spending time with him.I felt it was best if I wasn't seen as his mum to be fighting his battles for him as he is nearly 40. I know his manager would really pick on him for that and call him pathetic, but I've been working from behind the scenes. I asked his GP to write to his manager above her and occupational health and say that her behaviour is unacceptable and causing him mental harm. His GP has been great. Surprise, surprise the bullying has stopped immediately. I've been onto ACAS and got some useful information and he's calming down now. he is very ill though so I'll be staying a while longer. He needs moral support from me more than anything. We've all had our 2nd vaccinations and it's an emergency situation, He'd have had to go into hospital if I wasn't with him and the psych wards are heaving not surprisingly. He was allowed the vaccine as his wife is disabled and extremely vulnerable with various immune system disorders. He normally cares for her so I'm having to stay down there to look after both of them.

I’m really glad the bullying has stopped.

For the future, His manager has been very cleaver/intimidating by stating that they do not give permission for a meeting to be recorded. It doesn’t mean he can’t record a meeting it just means he may not be able to use it in an ET. He could however still show it to HR.

Glad it has stopped. Just as an aside, he doesn't need her permission. All he HAS to do is inform her. If she chooses to stay on the line then that is taken as acceptance. Most companies record their calls, they don't ask you for permission, just inform you that calls may be recorded.

When I was being accused of being the psycho bullying boss I welcomed our employee’s ‘threats’ to record our meetings. I had no qualms that my conduct was completely appropriate and professional and was more than glad to have recorded evidence to that effect to exonerate myself from her accusations. The fact that this boss is starting every conversation with that statement somewhat suggests she knows she’s being out of order. If she didn’t think she was being, why would she mind?

I am thrilled that things have improved.

Please write your GP a glowing letter.

How is he now?

@pinkypink24

Like PP said ... 100% record her. And send to HR. I wouldn't be arsed whether you had her permission or not in these circumstances.

Who the hell does she think she is? And why must he be on his own to take the call? Because she's doing wrong & she knows it.

I'm fucking fuming on your behalf OP 🤬 I just wish your son was strong enough to stand up to her eventually like I was 🤬🤬🤬🤬

As you go to hang up you inform her that she has been recorded. You are always! Entitled to support going into a work meeting, call, doctor or anywhere because it is basic human rights. I