Stuck between my husband and my employee

[StuckInTheMiddle1111]

DH and I own a small business. We have 4 employees. We are an essential business and have remained open throughout the lockdown with all staff working their normal hours.

We have an issue that’s been grumbling on for months and I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

DH has developed a perfume sensitivity over the last few years and it seems to be getting worse. It affects our home life quite severely with him not allowing myself or my daughter to wear any scented deodorants, hair products or soaps. (Not great for a girl going through puberty). And refusing to socialise with friends who wear strong scents. And it’s now spilling into our work life.

One of the ladies who works for us apparently wears something that’s scented that irritates DH’s perfume sensitivity.

I’ve had a word with the employee who says she no longer wears any scented products or uses scented washing powder. But DH says he can still smell it.

So he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

She has now lodged a formal grievance of bullying and intimidation because he makes her feel uncomfortable when he does these things.

I’m stuck in the middle. I can smell a very faint smell on her so she must be using something scented. (Although she insists she doesn’t). However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying) and we’re all horrifically overworked, tired and stressed due to the covid situation so I feel his tolerance has reduced.

Likewise the employee is going through a difficult time, having recently split with her husband and leaving the marital home so I think both are being a bit unreasonable and both also have a point as well.

I just wondered what is the best way forward.

The bully here is the employee deliberately flouting the request and causing unnecessary physical harm to DH, if it causes him pain and discomfort.

No she isn't

Pp says there's a faint smell. It could be her washing powder. Or deodorant Or picking up a scent from someone she lives with. Are you really suggesting no one, in an employees household can use a scented product, because a man at work doesn't like it

The man hasn't sought any medical assistance. Or made any changes himself. He just expects all the women around him and their families to change everything for him.

And then treat her like a leper. Thats not ok. And those are not reasonable adjustments. No emploter would be able to enforce this on employees. The fact that he owns the business makes his behaviour worse. Not better.

The fact that 2 other employees have made all these changes doesn't make it more reasonable.

Students are not allowed to spray perfume/deodorant/body spray in school, as it can trigger allergies

No one at this work place is spraying anything.

Like a pp I wondered if your DH has a non-neurotypical diagnosis. His reactions seem to be extreme for someone with no diagnosed allergies and his intolerances seem to be wide ranging and include anything that infringes on his area of control (smells, noise etc).

What if an employee can only find scented sanitary towels (we all know how prevalent those buggers are at the moment). Is she either supposed to not come to work because she's on her period? Or travel far and wide to find unscented towels? Or come to work and suffer her boss running around with fans and masks and standing on the far side of the room?

All seems a bit extreme and as though he may have some behavioural control issues.

Not the point of the thread but someone's mentioned that Surcare is unscripted. I've never heard of unscented soap, shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, mouthwash, shower gel, car freshener so I'm impressed that 2 employees have managed to smell completely neutral.

@flamingochill The Simple range of products are unscented, quite cheap and available everywhere. Clinique is also unscented and you can get unscented washing powder, it’s usually the supermarket own brand cheap stuff. I’m not sure about fabric conditioner but I just use a small amount of something like ‘fresh linen’ and you can’t smell it much at all.

Sorry but if he's not even willing to try and get help for himself I would be fully behind her grievance. It sounds like she's got grounds to complain and if I w as you I would ensure you did everything correctly and fairly otherwise you're opening yourself up to far wider issues.

Your dh is being rediculous

You can't dictate to a employee like that.

But I mainly want to say if my DF turned round and say you can't wear scents. I would not be happy. Especially when I was a teenager.

I bet the other employees are men

Which could then lead to a sex discrimination claim

@flamingochill

Not the point of the thread but someone's mentioned that Surcare is unscripted. I've never heard of unscented soap, shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, mouthwash, shower gel, car freshener so I'm impressed that 2 employees have managed to smell completely neutral.

This. So you have four employees, three can comply with your husband's demands (despite so many products being scented in some form, despite living with others, pets, presumably getting some things dry cleaned, cleaning their house, using pubic toilets etc so coming into contact with many scents) but one, apparently, cannot? But your husband has an issue with one employee. Your husband has an issue with one employee all right, is singling them out and bullying them. He sounds like a nightmare.

Oh please, he hasn't been to a doctor or seen a specialist yet he expects everyone around him to alter what they do, totally ridiculous! He hasn't even tried to solve the problem himself so how can he be annoyed at others!!

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his own healthcare rather than expecting the world to accommodate him.

He needs a diagnosis and treatment plan
At the very least he should be trialling antihistamines or similar

He's bullying and intimidating your employee to accommodate his personal preferences.

I think the employee needs to be let go if she won’t comply with not wearing perfumed products, after all, the other 2 employees are happy to comply.

Good luck with that at a Tribunal.

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour on your husband's part. Wouldn't it be the sensible thing to go to the doctor and get official diagnosis? That way, you could all have a sensible conversation about how to work together to manage his condition, making reasonable adjustments where necessary. As it is, he's just slamming around like a petulant, childish bully. I don't blame this woman for putting in a grievance.

I think your employee is doing her bit, but your DH is being very unreasonable not getting medical help. It's not very professional and I'm not surprised she has put in a grievance tbh

He wants the entire office to change their personal care routines and be scolded for failing to meet his exacting standards for personal care, but won't have one GP appointment?

I can't imagine how unattractive it is to be with a business partner who hasn't even considered they need medical documentation and HR advice on how to make such demands of staff.

I'm assuming the others in the office are men, yes?

I think he has sensory issues rather than an allergy (given what you say about his response to noise etc). So there is no comparison with severe life-threatening allergies.

I don't think you have a cat in hell's chance of winning any tribunal, when she's being treated as if she has leprosy. What a horribly toxic atmosphere she's in.

And yes, what others have said. You can't use her personal life to say she's being unreasonable. She's not. Even if her home life was wonderful she'd be feeling shit at work at the moment.

Is he sensitive to anything perfumed or certain smells. I can't stand vanilla and can sniff it out in anything (I've got a teenage daughter so it finds its way into lots of things) but I don't mind most other smells.

If it's just certain smells I don't think it's that unreasonable to ask the employee to take that into consideration but if he can't stand anything scented at all then he's the one who needs to be holed up in a separate room.

It seems odd that he has a reaction to the scent of just one of the four and not them all as I assume they all wash!

@Veterinari
I agree he needs a formal diagnosis, but saying the world shouldn't accommodate him is bang out of order!
Have you ever heard of citrus alergies? I hadn't until i worked in an office with someone who had one. No one could bring in citrus products as a result of this persons allergy.
If you board a plane and someone has a nut allergy, nuts are banned on board.
There are airbourne particles in products that do cause problems for people and i have heard of strong scents causing this in rare situations.
I get and agree that he needs a formal diagnosis but if he does have a allergy and has a physical reaction (sinus reaction is a physical one) then this needs to be taken seriously. If he wears a mask then he sort of is owning this himself and taking responsibility.
What are we supposed to do with people who have allergies to things if we get irate that we might be a little inconvenienced as a result of it.

All that said, if he does see the GP and there is nothing wrong and its all in his head the OP should sack her husband for being so pathetic.

It seems odd that he has a reaction to the scent of just one of the four and not them all as I assume they all wash!

This. I bet the others are all men and funnily enough DH hasn't made them feel uncomfortable, put a fan on them or made it clear he's avoiding them and dislikes them...

What happens further down the line, when a employee leaves and you recruit a new person. And at the interview someone is perfect on paper but they don't get the job because they wore a strong perfume. How do you explain to that person that they didn't get the job because of a perfume.

Also fragrance and how strong it is. Is a very subjective and individual thing

@R2519

Are you aware that this thread is in employment problems and not Aibu?

His behaviour is childish and inappropriate from a manager within a workplace environment. His illness might be valid but that doesn’t mean that any of his succeeding actions are. Funnily enough you mention airborne particles, yet he has purposely installed a fan that will just blow the supposed allergens around!

It’s bad management at best, bullying/discrimination amounting to constructive dismissal at worst. I don’t think OP has a HR department, or occupational health either - he’s just badly handling this of his own accord without any proper legal guidance. In fact I’d be surprised if they even have a handbook detailing disciplinary proceeding. Her grievance is valid and isn’t being handled fairly as OP is obviously biased. Seems like a future ET claim.

I'm an asthmatic, when my asthma is sensitive (a lot of the time), scented washing powder and fabric conditioner on clothes, deodorant, any perfumes, air fresheners, or cleaning products will cause my asthma to flare. It's really scary how rapidly I can go from functioning to gasping for breath.

Interestingly it's male deodorant that's the worst, followed by female perfume, closely followed by scented laundry products.

So I understand.

But, the very least he must do is contact his GP. There are mild steroid nasal sprays that can considerably reduce symptoms. There are also a variety of antihistamines not available over the counter that can help.

He must make every effort to be controlling his symptoms before asking others to adapt their behaviour.

If after he's tried everything, then maybe employment contracts need to be changed. I can't see this as so different to employees (nursing staff) needing to wear PPE to protect a person with a compromised immune system in hospital.

It's just not easy to adapt to the level required as my family have to do. But if he's not taking every single step to help himself he can hardly start asking others to change their behaviour.

He sounds like a prick, not doing anything to help himself and expecting you, your DD and everyone else to bend over backwards to accommodate him. What the hell does he do in public places?

Tell him to stop whining and get to the GP.

Agree with everyone else that he is being unreasonable.

I wonder this could be a trigger for overhauling all your workplace policies?

As well as having an employee with a perfectly valid grievance I think you may want to re-visit your policy on reasonable adjustments as it appears that with no formal diagnosis, medical assessment, risk assessment, consideration of cost/benefit to the business or impact on other employees towards whom you also have an equal duty of care you have implemented a whole raft of extreme measures on your entire workforce and allowed employees to be bullied if on the biased assessment of one employee they are not following these. With no policy or assessment framework to inform his behaviour.

Then maybe look at your home environment.

This will be another thread where the op won't come back , like the lady waiting for her dp to propose and everyone telling her he never will . The op on here is probably surprised at the majority has said he's unreasonable and what to do now confront the situation or the easy option do nothing and put up with him .