Stuck between my husband and my employee

[StuckInTheMiddle1111]

DH and I own a small business. We have 4 employees. We are an essential business and have remained open throughout the lockdown with all staff working their normal hours.

We have an issue that’s been grumbling on for months and I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

DH has developed a perfume sensitivity over the last few years and it seems to be getting worse. It affects our home life quite severely with him not allowing myself or my daughter to wear any scented deodorants, hair products or soaps. (Not great for a girl going through puberty). And refusing to socialise with friends who wear strong scents. And it’s now spilling into our work life.

One of the ladies who works for us apparently wears something that’s scented that irritates DH’s perfume sensitivity.

I’ve had a word with the employee who says she no longer wears any scented products or uses scented washing powder. But DH says he can still smell it.

So he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

She has now lodged a formal grievance of bullying and intimidation because he makes her feel uncomfortable when he does these things.

I’m stuck in the middle. I can smell a very faint smell on her so she must be using something scented. (Although she insists she doesn’t). However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying) and we’re all horrifically overworked, tired and stressed due to the covid situation so I feel his tolerance has reduced.

Likewise the employee is going through a difficult time, having recently split with her husband and leaving the marital home so I think both are being a bit unreasonable and both also have a point as well.

I just wondered what is the best way forward.

I also want to know what the sensitivity triggers?

Course he's being out of order, she said she doesn't wear anything perfumed which is her being extremely reasonable anyway but then he creates a scene and makes her feel uncomfortable.
He needs to deal with his issues and get a grip.
I'm not surprised she has lodges a complaint.

However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying)
There you go you said it yourself.
Your husband is a controlling idiot , you can't tell people not to use soap / deodorant. As long as they are not spraying it around him then he is totally unreasonable and I do not blame the employee for raising a grievance.
Give your husband a good talking to and send him off to the doctor.
I feel sorry for you living with him but at work no .

You're not stuck between your husband and employee op. Your employee has raised a grievance and that should be dealt with professionally and appropriately.

Your husband's behaviour is entirely inappropriate for a workplace.

Apparently it makes his sinuses extremely painful like sticking little needles up his nose.

If you can smell the scent too she is a liar to boot! I have heard (and seen) people’s reaction ‘oh I didn’t realise you meant X’ (e.g. name anything obviously scented!).

This is a very real problem for some people. A college sent letter to all students taking a particular subject, to ask them not to use perfumed products in specific lectures as one of the tutors had this problem. No one quite believed it until she collapsed in front of them during a lecture as one of the students had not taken any notice. A family friend developed hyper sensitivity to perfume and become very unwell if in contact with anyone wearing perfumed products. I do not think his actions are unreasonable. I do not know what can be done though

Then he needs to speak to his doctor about this. It could be anything and a common ingredient in products even if they are unscented. A fan distributes dust and particles so that wont help. Is it just one poor employee that bothers him or does he wear a mask around everyone.

So what does he do or take to help control his allergy?

It's just the one employee. The other 3 are fine.

So what does he do or take to help control his allergy?

Nothing.

I told him to go to the doctor but he hasn't been.

Certain scents upset me. I don’t wear anything scented myself, and I take a prescribed antihistamine to keep it under control. I would probably have a word with a colleague sitting next to me every day if their perfume really aggravated my allergy and ask if they would mind toning it down. But if they said no I would absolutely respect that. Sounds like your husband has his own office anyway?! From what you’ve said, he is being hostile and intimidating.

This is his issue, not hers. He is in the wrong. Get him to the GP!

If he’s doing nothing to help himself, but expecting others to make allowances for him, he is massively in the wrong!!

I hope she wins her grievance.

This is his problem and he needs to see a GP. It doesnt trigger something life threatening so he needs to find a way to manage it like we all do with the minor irritations in life.

@Pollypocket89 I was talking about my experience and my dd. It is a nightmare especially in confined spaces which we avoid as much as possible. Having said that we would not be badly affected by washing liquid, conditioner maybe.

*Nothing.

I told him to go to the doctor but he hasn't been*

I suspected that would be the answer. Your DH is completely out of order, at work and with you & your daughter. How selfish.

He is out of order.

He needs to go see his doctor. Its that bad he has to wear and mask and make her feel like shit. That bad he gets to dictate what everyone else in his life uses.....but hasn't seen a doctor.

I suspect he is talking bullshit.

If you can smell the scent too she is a liar to boot! - no, she's not! FGS, does this mean that if she goes to the hairdresser, she is expected to tell the stylist not to use any scented products? What about if she has a facial or a manicure? If she wears perfume on a Sunday which scents her scarf or gets on the sleeve of her jumper, what is she supposed to do about that? Your DH doesn't get to dictate to anyone what they do 24/7 outside of their working life.

You haven't said what your DH has done about managing this allergy, apart from making it everyone else's responsibility? Has he had allergy tests, tried to identify what the specific triggers are, been to the doctor?

I feel for your husband as I am the same although I don't react if anyone has scented deodorant or other very subtle scents. I get a sore throat immediately if I walk through the perfume section in a department store for example. If I'm stuck on a plane with someone wearing strong perfume my throat starts closing up, my eyes itch and my nose starts running.

However, I would never dictate what washing detergent my employees use etc. That's their private life and none of my business. It would be different if she sat in the office and sprayed perfume on herself. I would just stay in my office until the medication kicks in. If that doesn't work then I would just say he has to work from home or in a separate office all together.

Your husband is bullying her.

Unless...employee is my mother who wears perfume that smells like a skunks air gas. If it is her... he is reasonable

As someone that used to work in HR I’d say she has a valid complaint.

His behaviour does come across as bullying. He is purposely singling her out.

There's a big difference between not spraying perfume which is polite and nice, and asking people to stop using scented washing powder- what washing powder is actually completely unscented? Or fabric conditioner? Most things have a vague smell even if they are not heavily perfumed.

This is ludicrous, he has behaved ludicrously and you need to hope she doesn't go further with this.

Also his behaviour is extremely unprofessional and not what is expected of a manager in the workplace.

It’s like he’s having a strop at home with one of his daughters.

TW2013, I think anyone with an actual allergy should be protected as much as possible but the op said a sensitivity which I didn't interpret as an allergic reaction. I am sensitive to certain smells in that they'll give me a headache and I'd never set foot in Lush but I'm not allergic. This man is singling out 1 woman who is doing nothing different and just trying to do her job

He can actively get sued for harassment. What the fuck does he expect, she just stops using all scented detergent etc? He is harnessing and bullying her. Poor woman.