Stuck between my husband and my employee

[StuckInTheMiddle1111]

DH and I own a small business. We have 4 employees. We are an essential business and have remained open throughout the lockdown with all staff working their normal hours.

We have an issue that’s been grumbling on for months and I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

DH has developed a perfume sensitivity over the last few years and it seems to be getting worse. It affects our home life quite severely with him not allowing myself or my daughter to wear any scented deodorants, hair products or soaps. (Not great for a girl going through puberty). And refusing to socialise with friends who wear strong scents. And it’s now spilling into our work life.

One of the ladies who works for us apparently wears something that’s scented that irritates DH’s perfume sensitivity.

I’ve had a word with the employee who says she no longer wears any scented products or uses scented washing powder. But DH says he can still smell it.

So he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

She has now lodged a formal grievance of bullying and intimidation because he makes her feel uncomfortable when he does these things.

I’m stuck in the middle. I can smell a very faint smell on her so she must be using something scented. (Although she insists she doesn’t). However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying) and we’re all horrifically overworked, tired and stressed due to the covid situation so I feel his tolerance has reduced.

Likewise the employee is going through a difficult time, having recently split with her husband and leaving the marital home so I think both are being a bit unreasonable and both also have a point as well.

I just wondered what is the best way forward.

Surely you can't dictate what an employee does outside of the office like this?

Yes, there may be residual scent due to her living her life out of work, but it's similar to you forbidding people from eating peanut products outside of work - not a reasonable adjustment for them to make.

I've no real advice OP, but I am do understand where your husband is coming from. I have such a sensitivity to perfumes/deodorants etc and it triggers migraines and vomiting. I am so fortunate in that my wonderful DP has unscented everything and my two DS (teenage) will only wear scented products when they go out. The 2 colleagues I used to sit near at work were also very thoughtful and really took steps to help me, which I massively appreciated.

However, I am aware that even when people take steps, the stuff which seems non-smelly to them can be smelt by me (I have described myself as having the nose of a labrador, I should hunt for drugs or something). I am under a neurologist though. I think your DH has to go to the GP and try and get help before asking the lady to do anything else. He also needs to be aware he is coming across as bullying and intimidating which will cost you money at a tribunal.

Is it only the smell of women your husband is intolerant of?

He is expecting everyone so work around him but isn't helping himself. Over the counter allergy meds start at £3.

How does he behave in public. Like does he get symptoms in the supermarket. Is he also prone to exaggeration.

He is sensitive has a possible allergy and does what he needs to , to remain safe in the office

Errr, has he? He hasn’t even been to his GP - yet this issue has gone on for a few years? He’s refused to seek medical assistance over a period of years, and hasn’t even contacted (or contracted) occupational health or HR to discuss reasonable adjustments. He’s just tyrannically demanding his employees follow unreasonable requests for an unproven “sensitivity” issue.

He has requested that a product that causes him symptoms is not used and that's not being listened to.

The employee has explained that no product is causing this faint scent. She has gone out of her way to even use unscented products in her personal life. She doesn’t know what the problem is. The onus isn’t on her to sort this out beyond what she has already tried - it’s his problem and he needs to see a doctor.

This is no different to any other allergy that the workplace would have to adhere to.
Its not bullying at all imo.

It absolutely is, on both counts. He hasn’t been diagnosed with anything so there is no proof of anything. His reactions, if they exist, are mild. He is purposely treating someone he manages in an appalling manner. Regardless of your opinions, no employment tribunal judge would find that his behaviour has been the right course of action.

Not sure what “perfume sensitivity” is exactly. But if he won’t go to the doctor, I’m afraid I’m not too sympathetic to him. Sometimes, I have found that strong perfumes etc trigger my asthma. I might ask someone not to apply it in the workplace for that reason, but it would only be a request from me. But it sounds like he’s intolerant to smells, noises.... and I don’t think it’s at all reasaonble to say his employee can’t use ANYTHING scented - it’s actually quite hard to get completely unscented shampoo, deodorant etc, and I don’t think an employer has rights over what shampoo his employees use.

Basically, part of being a good manager is knowing when to be tolerant, and when to be firm. He doesn’t sound like he’s a good manager I’m afraid.

He is being very unreasonable.

I have lots of allergies some of which have been identified, some haven’t.

I have come out in hives before, I sneeze a lot and get a super itchy throat and sometimes it causes allergy induced asthma. It’s not pleasant. I also get frequent utis and bladder inflammation which they think are linked to some of the food allergies but I’m also set off by perfumes, pollen etc.

If someone’s perfume was setting me off and they sat near me I might ask them nicely or arrange to swap places with someone else but for infrequent meetings with them I’d take my nasal spray and an antihistamine.

He hasn’t even been to the doctors, she has already made adjustments and he is being a bully.

Hmmm. GP here. Perfume sensitivity wasn't taught in med school. Or gp training. And I've never seen a case in 15 years as a GP. Your husband needs to get a grip.

I have a lot of sympathy for your DH. For people saying 'Go to the doctors', from bitter experience, they just give you an inhaler in case you get an asthma attack and tell you to stay away from strong perfumes. There isn't anything they can do to cure the problem, it does seem to get progressively worse (mine has anyway) and it is really horrible when you can't even escape from perfume in your own home, the one place where you want to feel safe and comfortable.

I can't speak for the op's DH, but for me 'sensitivity' means that some perfumes make it difficult to breath and bring on an asthma attack, some induce a coughing episode (great nowadays in the supermarket!) and some 'just' give me blocked sinuses, sniffles, and/or a massive headache. It varies.

There isn't actually anything intrinsically necessary about perfume for a teenage girl, or anyone else: you can get scent-free shampoo, shower gel, soap, conditioner, deodorant, laundry liquid, cleaning products, etc etc, so frankly I think you are being unreasonable to object to this at home. Does your daughter need a strawberry shower gel (or whatever) more than he needs to feel well?

And to the pp calling him a bully: if he had a nut allergy, would you be complaining about him being unreasonable, because he didn't want you to cook with peanuts in the kitchen?

Having said all that, at work I think he has to recognise that there is only so much that other people can reasonably be expected to do. It sounds like the employee has been extremely kind to change her products for his benefit - that's more than I would expect from a colleague, and I have had to leave jobs before because of my allergies.

Could you mediate some kind of compromise where he recognises that it is unfair to point a fan at someone who doesn't want to be blasted, but she recognises that him wearing a mask and shutting his door really isn't personal but just something he has to do for his own health?

Alternatively, would it be possible for him to work from home, so he can be in a safe environment without inconveniencing anyone else?

@lockdownstress that explains why both GPs I’ve been to see with it were rather unhelpful.

So he’s developed a “sensitivity” and is bullying every woman he goes near?

You know full well the complaint is valid, wearing a mask round her? He’s a dick head, either he goes to the doctors or you tell him you and any other woman will wear any scented product they wish.

I see he doesn’t seem to be bullying any men.

Your husband is the problem here.

He needs to see a GP, if he does have something wrong with him, he needs medication/treatment.

Then to apologise to your member of staff!

@TheSingingKettle49 migraine caused by strong smells is very much a thing. Some nebulous sensitivity which isn't bad enough to bother to see a dr isn't a thing.

OP. YABU mentioning the employees personal circumstances as if this absolves your husband from his unreasonable treatment of the employee. He is making her uncomfortable in the workplace and she has cited bullying and intimidation in her complaint. These are both serious accusations. You know if this is not sorted out, she could leave her job and file a constructive dismissal claim.

So he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

He’s forced her to work next to a fan he’s installed to purposely target her. What if she’s cold? What if she doesn’t want her hair/paperwork blowing around? Fans waft odour around, and even amplify, rather than remove them. The fan isn’t an appropriate way to handle this in any description. All his actions amount to bullying behaviour.

we’re all horrifically overworked, tired and stressed due to the covid situation so I feel his tolerance has reduced.

Likewise the employee is going through a difficult time, having recently split with her husband and leaving the marital home

All irrelevant; provides zero justification. Honestly a solicitor would inform you pronto that you’re the wrong and should settle ASAP

Are the other employees male by any chance?

Because I can't believe that other women are managing to eliminate all scents and scented products from their lives completely. They put scents in EVERYTHING, air fresheners for the car, window cleaner sprays, bath products - are you telling me that those other employees use unscented EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD because of their boss?

I bet they don't.

if he had a nut allergy, would you be complaining about him being unreasonable, because he didn't want you to cook with peanuts in the kitchen?

Nut allergies are often fatal. They're not comparable to intense sensitivity to perfume.

Those who work with someone with a nut allergy need to be 100% careful when they're at work. But they can eat nuts at home. The OP's DH is expecting his employees to use particular laundry detergent, no conditioner, and unscented shower gel, shampoo and hair conditioner, presumably, AT HOME. Good luck in finding those last two.

your DH needs to get a grip- id also put in a grievance

i feel sorry for this woman and your daughter

going through puberty and no nice smelling stuff? grim. and cruel

The ops husband has not been to the doctors because there is NOTHING wrong with him he's just a arse .
If it was as painful as sticking needles up the nose then you'd get to the doctors sharpish. It's his issue no one else's so why the hell should anyone pander to him. The peanut allergy comment is actually a insult to people who have that and they have been diagnosed by a doctor they don't just say they have a allergy , oh and they could die from inhaling nut ingredients, I doubt the ops husband is going to dye from because someone has impulse on .
I actually can't believe some people have said otherwise oh yeah I can only on mumsnet .

Sounds like your husband isn't fit and well to do the job anymore. Not your employees fault. Do you have customers come in? Do you tell them what they can and can't wash with?

Your husband is being unreasonable.

Just a suggestion - but buy her a new chair, any fragrance she has worn in the past will have soaked in to the upholstery. As her body heat warms the chair - the fragrance will be released.

Also your husband is being a bully and dragging you down the same path. I’m surprised that the poor woman hasn’t snapped earlier.

I'm with your husband on this. I gradually developed a sensitivity to perfumed products, DH and I can't use anything perfumed, we can't use strong smelling cleaning products, I can't be in the same room as lilies. Hairspray another no no. I get headaches from the smell. Anyone travelling in my car can't wear perfume either. I go to great lengths to avoid it because I feel so shitty when I can't. It's his business and I think he's just doing what he can to avoid her smell. If she had bad BO would that be classed as bullying? She needs to get a grip and be more considerate. It's a really horrible thing to have to live with and it's awful when there's a smell you can't get away from

Bonniegirlie its his business, yes. That means he has to treat his employees right.

If she had BO and he treated her like this, yes it would be bullying.

He hasn't been to the doctors or tried anything himself. Just expecting everyone else to do the work
Thats not OK and wouldnt qualify him for reasonable adjustments.

And adjustments only need to be reasonable. Even if you own the company.

He can not dictate what products his employees use in their own home and he cant bully emoloyees he doesnt think are doing it well enough.

if he had a nut allergy, would you be complaining about him being unreasonable, because he didn't want you to cook with peanuts in the kitchen?

Actually the Anaphylaxis Campaign does not advise nut bans.