Stuck between my husband and my employee

[StuckInTheMiddle1111]

DH and I own a small business. We have 4 employees. We are an essential business and have remained open throughout the lockdown with all staff working their normal hours.

We have an issue that’s been grumbling on for months and I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

DH has developed a perfume sensitivity over the last few years and it seems to be getting worse. It affects our home life quite severely with him not allowing myself or my daughter to wear any scented deodorants, hair products or soaps. (Not great for a girl going through puberty). And refusing to socialise with friends who wear strong scents. And it’s now spilling into our work life.

One of the ladies who works for us apparently wears something that’s scented that irritates DH’s perfume sensitivity.

I’ve had a word with the employee who says she no longer wears any scented products or uses scented washing powder. But DH says he can still smell it.

So he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

She has now lodged a formal grievance of bullying and intimidation because he makes her feel uncomfortable when he does these things.

I’m stuck in the middle. I can smell a very faint smell on her so she must be using something scented. (Although she insists she doesn’t). However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying) and we’re all horrifically overworked, tired and stressed due to the covid situation so I feel his tolerance has reduced.

Likewise the employee is going through a difficult time, having recently split with her husband and leaving the marital home so I think both are being a bit unreasonable and both also have a point as well.

I just wondered what is the best way forward.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable, and I feel for your employee and your daughter.

Your husband is being unreasonable, and sounds like a bit of a dramatic dick with his fans and his passive aggressive door closing. ESPECIALLY if he hasn't done a single thing himself to mitigate this.

Your employee shouldn't have to put up with it, and you should back her. Although I can't imagine your husband's controlling nonsense stops at this, so I imagine you won't want to.

Even if you think his sensitivity to fragrance is valid, that doesn’t make his actions in the workplace towards this employee justifiable. You can’t treat people at work like this without consequence, he went too far to the point that he is now bullying her.

If he’s not willing to go to the GP he is being very unreasonable. Why should everyone else make changes when he can’t be bothered?
I have allergies (non life threatening) and I have to manage them.

Quite simply your husband is bullying your employee. He has no right to treat her this way, especially as he hasn't sought help for the problem. You need to nip this in the bud, fully acknowledge her complaint, and try to salvage a relationship or you and your husband could find yourself at the wrong end of a tribunal for constructive dismissal.

Your DH is out of order, he is obviously very very sensitive to smell ( possible autism???)
His behaviour isnt normal
sorry you are stuck in the middle but he cannot dictate what washing powder, deodorant etc your employees wear. Its him thats need to change, either by working from home or becoming more tolerant. Its possible pandering to him at home has inadvertently made his behaviour seem more acceptable, its not. I would also recommend GP appointment. Does your husband accept he cannot control his employees/ environment to this extent?

Your DH is bullying & harassing her. He can’t dictate what she washes with or products she uses. The fact he hasn’t seen a GP would make me think this alleged allergy is not as serious as he is making out or does it even exist.
Sounds like he’s got a witch hunt on for her.
I hope she takes him to court for bullying and harassment and receives a massive payout. If other employees are male she can also go for sexual discrimination. Good luck to her

Your employee is right, he is bullying and harassing her.

if he has no allergy then she has behaved very reasonably so far and he is being rude and yes bullying and harrassing her. The poor woman is being subjected to ridiculous behaviour he might as well be walking round going "pooh you stink " and holding his nose.

OP is it an actual sensitivity/allergy that causes him actual problems or is it that he just doesn't like the smell? if it is the former then it is a medical condition and that trumps her right to wear perfume.

@damnthatanxiety

OP is it an actual sensitivity/allergy that causes him actual problems or is it that he just doesn't like the smell? if it is the former then it is a medical condition and that trumps her right to wear perfume.

Did you actually read the OP? The employee isn’t wearing perfume. She said she has no longer wears any scented products or uses scented washing powder & OP admits the smell is “very faint”. What exactly do you propose the employee does next? As far as she is aware it’s a phantom scent and he’s just picking on her.

The husband, who is her senior, hasn’t been to the doctor, hasn’t been diagnosed with anything nor has he tried to treat this issue himself. He just expects the women around him to change.
Unfortunately in the real world, his behaviour can certainly be framed as constructive dismissal due to harassment/bullying.

I can smell a very faint smell on her so she must be using something scented.

If it’s that faint it could easily be deodorant. And you just cannot dictate what deodorant your employees wear.

What does it do to him OP? Does it bring on an Asthma attack where he struggles to breathe or does he just not like the smell?
If it's the latter he is BU but if it's the former and a matter of his health (I know someone who had a massive asthma attack because a colleague sprayed perfume near her and was almost hospitalized) then it may be a different matter.

If it brings on a serious allergic reaction for him, why’s he installed a fan? If you have someone with another serious allergy, eg peanuts, you wouldn’t install a fan near the source as that just wafts the allergens across the room further?

The employee will Ultimately leave, I think you know op you’ll struggle to replace her or keep another woman if this is how he behaves.

Are the other three employees Male?

Beach11 has summed it up perfectly. Hope he's not a bully at home too?

I agree with the majority.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. His actions amount to bullying in the circumstances and you’re leaving the business open to a potentially very expensive claim. Be very careful how you proceed here.

Also, be very careful with how he proceeds with raising your dd. If this if how he carries on.

For a start, he needs to go to his doctor asap. Although unlikely, a sudden aversion to smell and noice can be one signs of a brain tumour. He should have this rules out if he hadn't yet.

The issue with the grievance is that he has made it personal to her. All 3 other staff are not a problem, but she is, despite having complied to the request, so indeed, it's understandable she would make this a personal issue.

Surely if he has his own office, and can close the door, he is being ridiculous putting Arab next to her desk. How ride is that? It can't be that bad if all he has to do is pass the office. As for meetings and face to face, he should be able to tolerate it for whatever time that takes.

You husband seems to be bullying both your employee and your teenage daughter.

It would be fine to ask her to avoid sting scents- I have a strong perfume that I no longer wear to work as a colleague indirectly hinted that he didn't like it. I hadn't even thought about it not being pleasant for other people and happily stopped putting it on. Equally I've got a colleague who smells like he puts scented fabric spray on his clothes as well as conditioner and washing liquid. I find it really overpowering but would never say anything, I'm just grateful that I don't sit right next to him!!

I've been through phases of uses scent free products just after I've had babies, to promote skin to skin bonding, but always felt like I smelt 'human' by the end of the day. Not BO as such, just not fresh. I would feel uncomfortable in a work environment in case anyone else could smell me and found it unpleasant even though it's not a manky old stale smelly pit smell.

Equally, we've had issues in our house with an incontinent DC, and over the last couple of years I've moved from using a mildly scented non-bio to using a more strongly scented bio detergent plus a conditioner- I had found myself feeling like I could smell pee during the day, and came to the conclusion it was me. Our washing is now gently perfumed- not enough for most people to notice, but enough for it smell washed if someone gets close.

Both using a scented shower gel and using scented washing powders are important to my personal comfort and I would not be happy to be told to stop using them. Strong scents/using sprays in the office are one thing but your DH has no right to complain about normal/mild levels of scent of people, and no right to dictate their personal hygiene routines.

OP isn't coming back. She'll stick with her husband who is bullying both her and DD, and this employee.

I was sympathetic until I read that he's not bothering to get any help and he expects his employee to change her way of living to suit him.

OP you are going to end up in a tribunal and lose your livelihood if your husband doesn't change and/or you leave him. He's a bully.

I am anaphylactic which is an allergy, but this is a medical condition.

What your DH is describing is an annoyance, but if he is asking other employees to make changes to their lifestyles without making any to his own including not seeing a GP, then he is being unreasonable.

He should consider working from home.

The bully here is the employee deliberately flouting the request and causing unnecessary physical harm to DH, if it causes him pain and discomfort.

She must be using something perfumed if you can smell it too!

No-one would say this it unreasonable if she smoked and your DH complained about the smell but apparently, perfume is different?

I have a sensitivity to noise and smell and suffer from migraines so I completely understand just how awful this is for your DH. I think the employee needs to be let go if she won’t comply with not wearing perfumed products, after all, the other 2 employees are happy to comply.

I’m a teacher. Students are not allowed to spray perfume/deodorant/body spray in school, as it can trigger allergies

You can tell which posters haven’t the foggiest about employment rights or how to navigate Employment Issues