Stuck between my husband and my employee

[StuckInTheMiddle1111]

DH and I own a small business. We have 4 employees. We are an essential business and have remained open throughout the lockdown with all staff working their normal hours.

We have an issue that’s been grumbling on for months and I’d like everyone’s opinions on this.

DH has developed a perfume sensitivity over the last few years and it seems to be getting worse. It affects our home life quite severely with him not allowing myself or my daughter to wear any scented deodorants, hair products or soaps. (Not great for a girl going through puberty). And refusing to socialise with friends who wear strong scents. And it’s now spilling into our work life.

One of the ladies who works for us apparently wears something that’s scented that irritates DH’s perfume sensitivity.

I’ve had a word with the employee who says she no longer wears any scented products or uses scented washing powder. But DH says he can still smell it.

So he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

She has now lodged a formal grievance of bullying and intimidation because he makes her feel uncomfortable when he does these things.

I’m stuck in the middle. I can smell a very faint smell on her so she must be using something scented. (Although she insists she doesn’t). However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying) and we’re all horrifically overworked, tired and stressed due to the covid situation so I feel his tolerance has reduced.

Likewise the employee is going through a difficult time, having recently split with her husband and leaving the marital home so I think both are being a bit unreasonable and both also have a point as well.

I just wondered what is the best way forward.

So you, your teenage daughters and your employees arent even allowed to wear
deodorant. And he hasn't even seen a doc?

Sorry but he sounds like a controlling bully.
And even if this sensitivity isnt bullshit,he expects everyone else to suffer as a result of his issue.

Keep the employee, lose the husband.

Also, it sounds like he is over-sensitive in general, as he is also over-sensitive to noise. Sounds like everyone is on eggshells around him.

This is not reasonable. It's not reasonable at home either, to expect a teenager to not use any products which have even a mild scent (as that's pretty much everything), or indeed to be quiet all the time. It's fine to ask someone to keep it down occasionally or not to spray perfume around the house, but beyond that it is controlling and speaks to his own issues which are probably not about noise/scent at all, but that he is exceptionally over-sensitive to life and thinks everyone else should adapt to that which is unreasonable.

One of my relatives has mental health issues and is over-sensitive to light, noise, smells and so forth, and it is a manifestation of that- in fairness though they don't require everyone else to change, they remove themselves from the situation.

Tell your husband your employee can have his office and he can sit with everyone else. You'd better figure something out because you're going to be out a lot of money if he doesn't get a grip of himself.

So... DH has no allergy, and won't see GP about 'sensitivity'. He doesn't even take hayfever pills.

Don't let this get to a tribunal if you want to keep the business.

A man who goes around sniffing women and treating them like plague sufferers for zero reason might not come across as oh-so adorably 'sensitive' as he reckons he is.

If he wore a mask for his own reasons and didn't single anyone out, it would be one thing. But...

...he’s installed a fan near her desk, keeps shutting his office door when she’s around and he wears a mask when near her and actively avoids her.

...that's not remotely acceptable and he's making her working life intolerable.

Your husband is being extremely unreasonable.

So I’ve got a sensitivity to scents which causes migraines and I’ve found that people just don’t believe it or think ‘but my perfume is nice’ and keep wearing it, so I can sympathise with him,. However I wouldn’t ask people not to use scented shampoo or fabric conditioner because usually those smells aren’t too strong, but perfume can be overpowering, and no one NEEDS to wear perfume whereas they do need to wash their hair and clothes.

If you can smell her too then she’s probably using scented moisturiser or her car stinks of perfume that she wears at the weekend or something.

Your husband needs to find a way to work around her without upsetting her, but if you can smell something on her too it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask her to review if there is anywhere she could be picking the smell up from like wearing the same scarf at the weekend with perfume then into the office so the smell is lingering.

I really wish people would understand that just because they think a perfume smells nice that doesn’t mean that everyone else does too.

I just wondered what is the best way forward

Your husband needs to speak to a professional. Given that you’ve said
However, I also feel DH is just being very intolerant (he’s also very intolerant of noise and other things he considers annoying)

CBT May be more beneficial than a GP. I’m not mocking btw, I have a family member very like this & the slightest noise/smell could cause agitation & distress. CBT has helped them cope differently so everything isn’t so annoying. Worth a shot but your DH is BVU, I’m not surprised the employee has put in a grievance.

His attitude is disgraceful What he is basically saying is that everyne should bend down to his wshes or otherwise he will bullying them into it (Please note that he has actually bullied YOU and YOUR DD into it too).

On the top of it, he is refusing to do anything about it....

I'd take legal advice on that one because its your business. But there is no way you will be able to carry on having a good work relationhsip after putting a complain like this.
In the mean time, I'd look at how he is at home and start pushing back on his (unreasonnable) demands.

@TheSingingKettle49, I don't think the issue is whether he is or isnt sensitive to smells. I get that he probably is.

What is utterly worng is the way he is getting about it. Because THAT is bullying behaviour.

I also can't believe you just sit there and allow him to point a fan at her as though she's some kind of Typhoid Mary. You are just as culpable as he is for this bullying.

I would speak to a solicitor and take advice. Your husband hasn’t even seen a GP and is expecting employees to make adjustments for him. Then singling one out on top of that.

I don’t think there’s a chance she wouldn’t win at an employment tribunal.

He needs to go to the doctors and find out exactly what it is

He has bullied and harrassed her - her grievance is actually with a lot of merit

What is the best way forward - the world stop pandering to a controlling bully and him receiving medical advice as to how to deal with it. And work out how much is intolerance and how much is an actual problem

and get legal advice regarding her grievance because you will lose - because you have absolutely no medical evidence to back up he is being anything other than an intolerant bully because she has stopped wearing perfume or strong deodrant but I really dont think a boss can tell an employee what bath products to use

Your DH is being ridiculous!!!!!!

When my DH spays his deodorant on a morning I always ask him to open the windows as the smell is just too strong. It feels like I can’t breath. (I don’t have asthma or any breathing difficulties)

I also hate the air freshener aerosols when they’ve just been sprayed. It annoys me when people at work spray them for ages to get rid of a nasty smell (working with the public isn’t always pleasant)

and the strong perfume I can understand too....

But....... that’s a world away from being able to smell the fragrance from a washing powder. It’s a faint pleasant smell.

I mean what’s he like when he’s out and about? Car fines etc? Or I’m shops where you can smell the bread? He’s being ridiculous!!!!

I think you’re husband is behaving very badly, and I’m not surprised your employee has lodged a grievance.

Presumably you have to deal with the grievance? I think you need to be very careful. You have four employees and he is picking on one. This is a hallmark of bullying. It sounds like a very unpleasant environment for her.

What is he doing with the other 3? I can’t believe they are “toeing the line” and sourcing all unperfumed products especially for him.

I shouldn’t think you can dismiss someone for using scented products. By the same token, you can‘t make it untenable for someone to stay in your employ just because another person perceives that they are wearing scented products. His actions will very quickly make it untenable for her stay, if it hasn’t already.

If I was the employee I’d be very uncomfortable being treated in this way. I think your H needs to find a more workable way forward. It must feel very intimidating having your boss wear a mask, put again on your desk, close his door etc whenever you are around. She may have a natural scent, we all have our own ‘aromas’, so I think she is being unfairly penalised.

If he had done all he could and was still being affected to the point where he could not work I would have more sympathy, but since he has taken no remedial action himself and he is making her life a misery he is being incredibly selfish.
If you had two employees and this was happening you would have a duty to both to maintain a mutually workable environment. That would be make reasonable adjustments and give appropriate support for both to continue to work.
So, he needs to do everything he can, she has already made adjustments (you can't prove she is lying so that isn't an accusation you can make) any problem not met by both parties doing what they can needs to be assisted by reasonable work environment adjustments - but not at the expense of anyones dignity - i.e not in a disrespectful way.
I think your DH needs a good re-think about how he is approaching this.

Fumes*

Its not bullying at all imo.

He is sensitive has a possible allergy and does what he needs to , to remain safe in the office

He has requested that a product that causes him symptoms is not used and that's not being listened to.

This is no different to any other allergy that the workplace would have to adhere to.

He needs to get formally diagnosed and then put it in policy

@Werkwerkwerkwerkwerkwerk you are wrong. It is bullying
He can not, tell everyone they can only wear certain products

The employer (the op and her dh) need to find a way round it to make him comfortable. Reasonable adjustments. Treating her like a leper, isnt ok.

Given its not serious enough to go to a doctor, it doesnt need reasonable adjustments.

So he wants your employee to do all these extra things he requiring extra effort, but he won't do any proactive?

Yeah, he's a knob

I'm on the fence.

With certain things I get an instant & intense headache

I can't tolerate any essential oils, certain chemicals, lush products - I have to leave the shopping mall if there's a lush shop in it. Sir feshers,plug-ins, car fresheners, fabric softeners etc.

Fortunately I'm largely able to control my environment

I haven't been down the medical route, because I have other medical issues that are more serious that I'm not getting anywhere with and a new one in the past few weeks, so it's wayyyyy down the list.

I had a manufacturing company for a few years and the staff knew that chemicals couldn't be manufactured if I was on the premises, we would focus on the machinery those days & I'd make my self scarce on other days

It does affect me if I'm in an enclosed space with done perfumes/laundry products, but so far I've been able to remove myself from the situation, BUT it is getting worse year on year so I do expect it to cause issues in the future.

One day at a time!

If you can smell it, she must be wearing something fragranced.

Can your DH WFH?

As for the domestic situation. He sounds like a PITA, I wouldn't be restricting my child to that degree Until he'd been to the Drs. (I ask them to take home made slime into their rooms as that really aggravates me (I guess the shampoo etc they use gets squished around & really smells) and they immediately take any gifts etc if lush type products to their own bathroom/bedroom)

Dh needs to go to gp, perhaps antihistamines might help.

People do become very de-sensitised to their daily products and the scents do not wash out easily.

My child goes to their dad's - he uses a standard washing powder - persil I think. I use Surcare (for pp who was asking about washing products with no scent). When I open my child's wardrobe the waft of scented product is overpowering. I have no sensitivity, allergens etc but I jump back and it triggers a cough. No amount of washing gets rid. No malice is intended but it is very overpowering in my low-perfume household.

So possibly this employee does use something on a regular basis that is scented. But when I read your update that your DH hadnt even bothered to go to the doctor (or similar) - politely - I was not very impressed.

He needs to really, really apologise to her for his conduct. I do wonder if formal mediation might help work out a path going forward. You all sound as if you have worked your socks off over this difficult time - I would be very upset as an employee if I had given my all and was then treated disrespectfully.

But also reading your other comments about daily life. He's not coping, is he, with something? I dont know what but his conduct in your home life is not really OK. People suggest counselling - you can get quite robust counselors who dont really put up with crap. DH needs to own this issue and how it is affecting his life (and those around him).