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Original poster

DH and I potentially going for same job - WWYD?

162 replies

Pistachio1702 · 16/04/2020 19:38

Hi all - NC, but long-time poster. The following feels very "first-world problems" and I feel very lucky to (so far) be in a secure job but please bear with me as I really could do with advice!

DH and I both work in same industry. He is 10 years older (47 to my 37) and more senior. He has been freelancing after taking voluntary redundancy a few years ago but looking for a FT role and getting a bit down about situation and not finding anything. I am lucky enough to be in a mid-senior level, in a FT and comfortable job which I enjoy and am good at, but looking to take that next step in seniority.

DH and I have both been approached for the same FT super senior role. This is a job he could easily do, having been at a similar level in his last role and for a few years beforehand.

I told DH I had been approached but thought it was too senior (I really do). So I said no. He made no comment on this and we moved on and discussed other things.

I have since been rung up by organisation/manager/potential boss who is hiring and encouraged to go for it. So I am tempted to submit a CV - you never know but really, this would a very, very senior, very high-profile position. I doubt I will get it but I know if I didn't go for it, I would regret it. There aren't many roles as big in my industry.

AIBU to submit a CV, just in case? WWYD? And if I do, how do I broach with DH? Should I just let this one go and wait my turn?

I am usually always in the "go for the job even if you think is too hard/too senior" camp - "you have nothing to lose". But I am on the rise, well-off, have just taken on a NED appointment, just been promoted etc. whereas he is struggling to find something.

Not the most coherent post - apologies, my head just keeps whirring round. I would really love to hear some thoughts!

OP posts:
EasterBuns · 16/04/2020 19:43

Will your relationship survive if you get this job over him and how much does that rate in your decision?

happytoday73 · 16/04/2020 19:46

Easterbuns has hit the key issue....

Aderyn19 · 16/04/2020 19:49

You don't really want this job and your dh does. I would not put myself in direct conflict with my husband over a job in these circumstances. Different if you really needed it as much as him.

Queenoftheashes · 16/04/2020 19:49

I’d go for it purely out of interest to see who got it. May be neither of you anyway.

What happens if you get offered it over him?

HelloTerrance · 16/04/2020 19:52

I think on a personal level it would be great for you to get the job but thinking of the bigger picture, surley it is better for your family of you are both working full time.

Also if you git the job would they pay you less than they would pay your Dh as he is more experienced?

LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2020 19:53

Is he as good as you?

thequeenbeyondthewall · 16/04/2020 19:57

Can you have a little bet with him to make it interesting.

I.e whoever wins buys a weekend away or whatever?

We would both go for it in our house and if he won I'd be happy for him. He'd be happy for me also.

We are quite competitive though.

Either way, if one of you gets it its surely a good thing as it must mean a higher income into the house.
Your a team. If one of you gets it its win win surely?

thequeenbeyondthewall · 16/04/2020 19:58

Hello Terence makes a very valid point. If you both make it to final interviews and offers you can see what gets offered.....

Reythemamajedi · 16/04/2020 19:58

Personally I would sit this one out. He needs it more than you do and presumably you value your relationship more than the job. Tough one though.

MoMandaS · 16/04/2020 20:03

I think you should go for it - you can always turn it down. But you must tell him that you're applying. Also, I might get derided for this, but I can't help thinking that if the sexes were reversed you wouldn't hesitate.

jmh740 · 16/04/2020 20:05

The thing that stands out for me is that you have been approached to apply. If you think your relationship could survive then I would apply.

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 16/04/2020 20:05

So you could have both of you earning well, or just one of you? Surely it's a no brainer.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 16/04/2020 20:10

I'd say that as you have been approached to apply, they want someone in this senior role but are trying to get away with paying less for it. It's a typical approach for a business to do.

If it were me I'd let it pass because as a unit, you would both be financially better off if he gets it that if you do. With 10 less years than him, you will have lots of opportunities that he may not as it does get much harder to move job post 50.

Original poster
Pistachio1702 · 16/04/2020 20:13

Thank you all, that's really helpful. Some additional factors for me to think about. I do think our relationship would survive - but not sure I would ever feel right/at ease with myself if I got it and he didn't... maybe that is my answer.

Though (sorry, forgot to say - didn't mean to drip feed!) he is earning as much as he used to through free-lancing. Or at least he has been - who knows what Covid might bring. On the family earnings point.

Am I better than him? Argh, I don't know. He has more experience and is very intellectually capable. I am no intellectual slouch, but more personable and a better external spokesperson/at public speaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pistachio1702 · 16/04/2020 20:15

They would almost certainly pay me less - that is an interesting point, thanks to those who highlighted.

OP posts:
Cnoc · 16/04/2020 20:17

Never step aside for a man professionally, would be my rule.

Original poster
Pistachio1702 · 16/04/2020 20:19

In case I have prompted thoughts as to "why does he care if he is earning as much as he used to?" - in our world, much more prestige and influence comes from having one permanent role for an organisation, as opposed to free-lancing. Plus think he is finding free-lancing tiring and stressful.

OP posts:
OhPhotograph · 16/04/2020 20:21

May the best man win

MakeLemonade · 16/04/2020 20:27

I don’t think you should both enter the process. I think the hiring manager will find it weird (unless you have different surnames and are confident nobody will be aware) and it may well discount you both. Have a chat and work out together who this would be best for, you’re a team.

Divebar · 16/04/2020 20:29

I’m fascinated by what he said when you told him you’d been approached. I would hope if asked he would tell you to go for it ( give you his blessing as it were). It feels a lot like gender is paying a massive part here where you are concerned about his ego. As someone else said upthread I wonder how many men would put their own aspirations aside to leave the field open for their wives. ( surely it’s better that Team Pistachio has 2 candidates not just 1)

UnaCorda · 16/04/2020 20:30

Presumably there is no guarantee that he would get the job, even if you don't apply?

DonPablo · 16/04/2020 20:30

There's no way I'd step aside! If you work in the same industry this or a similar situation could come up time and time again. My career is as important as my husbands and I'd expect him to know that.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 16/04/2020 20:31

How will you feel if you don’t apply & he doesn’t get it? Or on discussing the job at interview he decided it isn’t a good fit for him?

I would discuss & apply - if nothing else the interview is good experience for the future.

YahBasic · 16/04/2020 20:31

Both go for it, understand what they would be happy to pay for the role based on your DH’s expectations and use that to boost your negotiation if you end up getting it.

strawberry2017 · 16/04/2020 20:36

Never put your career on hold for a man!
If you want it, go for it.