DH and I potentially going for same job - WWYD?

[Pistachio1702]

Hi all - NC, but long-time poster. The following feels very "first-world problems" and I feel very lucky to (so far) be in a secure job but please bear with me as I really could do with advice!

DH and I both work in same industry. He is 10 years older (47 to my 37) and more senior. He has been freelancing after taking voluntary redundancy a few years ago but looking for a FT role and getting a bit down about situation and not finding anything. I am lucky enough to be in a mid-senior level, in a FT and comfortable job which I enjoy and am good at, but looking to take that next step in seniority.

DH and I have both been approached for the same FT super senior role. This is a job he could easily do, having been at a similar level in his last role and for a few years beforehand.

I told DH I had been approached but thought it was too senior (I really do). So I said no. He made no comment on this and we moved on and discussed other things.

I have since been rung up by organisation/manager/potential boss who is hiring and encouraged to go for it. So I am tempted to submit a CV - you never know but really, this would a very, very senior, very high-profile position. I doubt I will get it but I know if I didn't go for it, I would regret it. There aren't many roles as big in my industry.

AIBU to submit a CV, just in case? WWYD? And if I do, how do I broach with DH? Should I just let this one go and wait my turn?

I am usually always in the "go for the job even if you think is too hard/too senior" camp - "you have nothing to lose". But I am on the rise, well-off, have just taken on a NED appointment, just been promoted etc. whereas he is struggling to find something.

Not the most coherent post - apologies, my head just keeps whirring round. I would really love to hear some thoughts!

[MrsMGE]

The post re surname is ridiculous. Lots of people share the same surname and the interviewer has no right to ask about marital status of the interviewees. Completely irrelevant.

[Pistachio1702]

Already a busy day at work but I just wanted to thank you all so much for your thoughtful and considered advice and suggestions. There's quite the variety of responses - which is reassuring as it means I'm right to find this a tough decision.

If it weren't for my DH's position in all this, I would go for the job in a heartbeat - it is the most fantastic opportunity (for me, a bit more bogstandard for him). I am good at my job but I also happen/am lucky enough to be the 'bright shiny' thing on the block, having received some industry awards, some high-profile and much publicised other career 'wins' etc. all in a very short period of time.

I think what this has clarified for me is that I just need to sit down and talk to him about it and my (complicated) feelings on the subject - I will be raising some of the issues and perspectives from this thread. He has been so encouraging before, supporting me in going for the NED position (which no-one, including myself, ever thought I'd get) and he understands my career is very important to me - as his is to him.

On the family money point, we are both privileged enough to be earning 6 figures atm, are child-free (and are intending to stay that way!) and have minimal outgoings. Even if his freelance work dried up entirely I would still be able to support us both. We have joint finances but both have our own savings accounts so would be able to survive for some time if we both lost our jobs - though I entirely get the Covid-19 job security angle and it's something important to consider.

Oh, and we have different surnames! I kept mine because I had built up some industry recognition - I'd intended to double barrel with his but never got round to it. We keep our relationship pretty low key in the industry.

And I imagine everyone and her/his dog will be going for the role so my pulling out would not mean he got it.

[Bedroomdilemma]

From all you have said it seems more likely you would get it than him, and also he’s not guaranteed to get it if you pull out. You need to speak to him and assess how his ego could handle it. Then make your decision.

[Stingeray]

If DH is more senior and experienced then surely HR wouldn't allow someone less so to be employed? As with any job, the strongest candidate will be employed and as you know a more experienced candidate is going for the role then I really wouldn't bother unless you would like the interview experience.

For those saying it would be interesting to see the difference in salary offers - they wouldn't offer them both the job! So how would this be possible? Also, its quite right that someone with less experience should be offered less. Let's not make this about gender inequality.

[GatoFofo]

I wouldn’t stall my own career trajectory to salve the ego of my partner.
You have been actively encouraged to apply, so have a very good chance of being successful, so just go for it! Your husband is free to apply for this or any number of other ft roles in future, and his career is not your responsibility.

[Bedroomdilemma]

Just because someone is more experienced doesn’t mean they are the best candidate. I’ve got a promotion over, on paper, a more experienced older man. Intelligence, soft skills and drive are all important. A freelancer in his late 40s who took voluntary redundancy could easily not get the position over someone younger whose star is on the rise.

[MrsMGE]

OP, well done - you've clearly done very well and good on you. Have an honest chat with DH as you said and work it out between yourselves.

Don't doubt yourself and don't let some members of the MN community put in your head that you should be resigning because your DH is more likely to get it, be better paid, or just because you're the wife so there's supposedly a presumption that you should be a No 2 and step down from the opportunity for your DH, blah, blah, blah. Complete nonsense.

I make more money than my DH and am likely to do so for most of my professional life, unless I choose to change careers. It makes my blood boil to read posts from women digging up holes under your confidence because they're lacking it themselves. It's not the fucking 18th century anymore, women are equal and achieve just as much, if not more, than men. Don't get trapped in this horrid attitude, believe in yourself and do the right thing. Best of luck!

[FinallyHere]

If DH is more senior and experienced then surely HR wouldn't allow someone less so to be employed?

This made me laugh out loud. Then I wondered whether you were perhaps serious.

In my industry (broadcast media) being 'more senior' and 'having more experience' by no.means ensure that you are better fitted for any role. Seriously, someone with great ideas / excellent people and communication skills could easily beat the 'old guard'. Indeed would be expected to be preferred over someone older.

Thus is the way in many industries. Look at the age of many, many CEOs these days. Forty if they are a day old. Can you really imaging that they are the oldest, most experienced people in their organisations.

The 'civil service' model is very, very outdated.

[TriangleBingoBongo]

I suspected that might be the case with your surname OP. Atleast that means you can both apply and only each other need know, which means no awkward convos at interview.

If finances aren’t an issue then definitely go for it. You don’t want to pass an opportunity and if anyone should step aside it sounds like it should be your DP.

Agree with PP experience isn’t everything. Actually employers often want someone they can mould to their culture rather than someone try and mould their team to their individual culture.

[Weenurse]

Go for it, there is a reason you have been approached twice about this.

[Batqueen]

Talk to him and go for it. You are a team, having you both in line for an awesome opportunity gives the best chance for the team to win.

[Bluntness100]

You need to go for it op. Just because you don’t, doesn’t mean he will. There will be other candidates. If he doesn’t then you’ve missed a fantastic opportunity.

He would not be a decent partner if he objected, and he needs to stand on his own merit. Not feel if he did get it, he got it because you didn’t go for it, or if eh didn’t get it, you both lost out.

Talk to him and explain they have approached you again and you will apply.

[LadyEloise]

Because there are no children to consider if you go for the job, get it and the relationship sours, I would go for it.

You say your potential boss has phoned you and asked you to go for the interview despite you having already declined. Looks like they really want you.
Go for it.

[beachcitygirl]

OP please please apply. I'm quite shocked tbh at the amount of posters suggesting you defer to the possibility of your husband maybe being selected.
It is not 1950. I find this seriously depressing.

If it were me & my husband wasn't 100% supportive in me applying for a promoted post, my only concern would be wether I was in the wrong relationship. Your husband sounds a decent chap. To be frank if your husband tells you to go for it then fab & if he doesn't then absolutely go for it as you have your answer if he wouldn't encourage you he's not worth you deferring for him.

so the answer is clearly. Go for it.

[Sexnotgender]

Please go for it!

[StealthPolarBear]

mynamesmrdiggety as a team they are increasing the chance of team success by both going for it.

And what are these jobs where hr makes hiring decisions?

[wehaveafloater]

If you don't go for it you will both always wonder what might have happened if you did !

[I0NA]

I’m also surprised at the people who think that the interviewers will ask if they are related and think it odd if they are .

How would that work exactly ?

“ Oh Mr Robert Jones, we were wondering if you were related to another candidate, a Dr Jane Jones? “

“ No I’m not actually but thanks for breaching her confidentiality and telling me that she’s applied. I must mention it to her boss, we sit on the same industry advisory group “.

[wehaveafloater]

I'm pretty sure that the op said she didn't change her name after marriage due to being respected in her industry in her own right. And she was going to double barrel but never got around to it .

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Your update about having no children and not intending to have any casts things in a different light, in the sense that any relationship issues which may arise as a result of the decision that is made will be confined to the two of you and not affect anyone else. So you can approach this very much as good friends in the same industry would. With luck you’ll come to an agreement that you should both go for it. There are so many factors that come into play in terms of a candidate’s fit for a role/company/team that neither of you at this stage can really have any idea of which one of you would be more likely to get it (if indeed either of you does). Even if you ultimately decide not to move because job security is a priority in these uncertain times, the practice will be good.

One tip though- since the interview will presumably be via video link from home, make sure you don’t (a) listen in on each other’s interviews and (b) do them with backgrounds blurred out or from different rooms so the interviewers don’t notice you are in the same house!

[andadietcoke]

Agree with the team approach. If you don't go for it, there's no guarantee he'll get it, and you've stepped down for no reason.

[I0NA]

I'm pretty sure that the op said she didn't change her name after marriage due to being respected in her industry in her own right. And she was going to double barrel but never got around to it

Yes she did. But I was addressing the general point which was raised by others who assumed that they did have the same surname. Regardless of their names, no panel will discuss one candidate for the job with another.

I once interviewed two applicants for the same post where one was the line manager of the other. . As soon as we spotted this we arranged the interview times so they wouldn’t be in our building at the same time.

[TriangleBingoBongo]

@I0NA

I wasn’t suggesting that the interviewers would discuss other candidates during an interview but I don’t believe there wouldn’t be a second glance if there were two candidates with the same surname, especially if it’s unusual. It might not be an issue. But does have the potential to be slightly awkward for those hiring. Especially when it comes to offering and discussing packages and salary.

Furthermore, I didn’t assume I asked “do you have the same surname OP” I know many women who keep their surname owing to professional reasons.

I have a particularly unusual surname and a bit of FB digging would link me straight to my husband. I was musing over the scenario.

OP was asking for our thoughts and those were mine.

[TriangleBingoBongo]

Also try not to judge everyone by your own standards. I am a lawyer and yet have been asked in interview what my family plans are and if I’d like to get married and “settle down” the firm in question priding themselves on their employment law expertise didn’t put them off that...

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

Go for it, one of you bring that role into your household, that’s what a team is & does. Sounds like it’s going to be hard work too so the the one who doesn’t needs to be the support. Be an awesome team