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Original poster

DH and I potentially going for same job - WWYD?

162 replies

Pistachio1702 · 16/04/2020 19:38

Hi all - NC, but long-time poster. The following feels very "first-world problems" and I feel very lucky to (so far) be in a secure job but please bear with me as I really could do with advice!

DH and I both work in same industry. He is 10 years older (47 to my 37) and more senior. He has been freelancing after taking voluntary redundancy a few years ago but looking for a FT role and getting a bit down about situation and not finding anything. I am lucky enough to be in a mid-senior level, in a FT and comfortable job which I enjoy and am good at, but looking to take that next step in seniority.

DH and I have both been approached for the same FT super senior role. This is a job he could easily do, having been at a similar level in his last role and for a few years beforehand.

I told DH I had been approached but thought it was too senior (I really do). So I said no. He made no comment on this and we moved on and discussed other things.

I have since been rung up by organisation/manager/potential boss who is hiring and encouraged to go for it. So I am tempted to submit a CV - you never know but really, this would a very, very senior, very high-profile position. I doubt I will get it but I know if I didn't go for it, I would regret it. There aren't many roles as big in my industry.

AIBU to submit a CV, just in case? WWYD? And if I do, how do I broach with DH? Should I just let this one go and wait my turn?

I am usually always in the "go for the job even if you think is too hard/too senior" camp - "you have nothing to lose". But I am on the rise, well-off, have just taken on a NED appointment, just been promoted etc. whereas he is struggling to find something.

Not the most coherent post - apologies, my head just keeps whirring round. I would really love to hear some thoughts!

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 16/04/2020 20:38

Wow, I don’t mean this disrespectfully OP but this would make a fantastic film or tv mini drama, exploring all of the issues touched upon so far.
Keep us updated!

RandomMess · 16/04/2020 20:40

You should go for it.

What happens if he isn't offered it and you would have been?

Poppi89 · 16/04/2020 20:46

Have you told him you've been approached? I would start with that and see what his reaction is.

If you really wanted it then I would say go for it but as you are comfortable in your job but your DH isn't happy then I wouldn't go for it.
You can always move positions in the future but as he is freelance I think it is better for him to take the position.

You could broach it in a way that it is better for one of you to get it instead of neither of you. But I would be upset if I was him.

FinallyHere · 16/04/2020 20:50

I doubt I will get it but

It would IMHO be wrong for you to not apply. Especially if you have been encouraged to apply.

Why hesitate? You aren't committing to anything, just seeing whether it might suit.

Even if you don't get the immediate role, it's good for your career to be seen to throw your hat into the ring. There may also be other intermediate roles where, having seen your CV they might think of you.

If he can't deal with that .... one or other of you should move organisation or industry

AmelieTaylor · 16/04/2020 20:51

I think it's a bit rubbish that he didn't encourage you to go for it when you said you were concerned it was too senior.

It seems like he thinks it's not senior enough for him but too senior for you - that would piss me off

Are you a team financially or do you keep separate finances?

AmelieTaylor · 16/04/2020 20:52

If it's not stretching him he might not be happy if he gets it- you might love it

Your skill base is different to hus & you might be exactly what they're looking for, if you don't apply the tight give it to to someone else & then you've missed out for no good reason.

LittleLittleLittle · 16/04/2020 20:54

OP one reason why they would prefer you over him is because he is freelance.

Lots of firms don't like people who were previously freelance as they think they are going to leave if a better opportunity presents itself. Some firms would rather leave a position open than hire a freelancer.

In regards to the money thing he won't necessarily be on more than you, you just need to ask for the right amount to step up and as you have a role you can refuse to take it if they won't pay you what you ask.

Doyoumind · 16/04/2020 21:00

A lot of posters seem to be assuming he has a good chance of getting the job if OP doesn't go for it. That is quite possibly not the case.

OP, I would go for it. Better for one of you to potentially get it than neither of you. What is the representation of women like in your industry? If there aren't many women, without wanting to sound too cynical, it would be good for them to have female candidates.

seven201 · 16/04/2020 21:05

Of course you should go for it! Just tell him you've been rung up and encouraged to apply, so are going to. If he's not supportive he's an arse. It's not your fault you've been head hunted too.

TippledPink · 16/04/2020 21:05

Definitely go for it! He might not get it anyway? I would look at it as your family unit have double the chance of getting the job. He should really be encouraging you. It's fab that you have been head hunted, well done.

seven201 · 16/04/2020 21:06

Imagine if you didn't apply, he didn't get it either and the job went to someone with a similar level of experience to you. You'd be so pissed off!

LittleLittleLittle · 16/04/2020 21:07

@Doyoumind good point.

LemonBreeland · 16/04/2020 21:08

I think you should go for it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/04/2020 21:08

Go for it.

Suggest if you get it that he applies for the post you would be vacating.

StealthPolarBear · 16/04/2020 21:09

Yes of course go for it. Surely you would both prefer one of you got it.
I find people asking how uch you value your relationship very weird indeed.

I0NA · 16/04/2020 21:11

What @seven201 said.

User202004 · 16/04/2020 21:11

I absolutely would and let the best person win, I would hope your DH would be proud of the fact you've been approached and at this age? It sounds like you'd both bring different things to the role let the panel decide what they want! If it became awkward I think the relationship is questionable and you certainly wouldn't want to pass up a big promotion for that.

HollowTalk · 16/04/2020 21:13

If this was the other way around - he's 10 years younger and has been approached for the job, etc - do you really think he'd think, "Oh better not, my wife might want that job"?

Go for it. Your husband has to accept that you are highly skilled and you just happen to be working in the same field. Don't even think about not applying.

And don't ask your mum, if she's anything like mine, as she'd say, "Oh he will be hurt if you get it and he doesn't..."

Poppi89 · 16/04/2020 21:15

He has been freelancing after taking voluntary redundancy a few years ago but looking for a FT role and getting a bit down about situation and not finding anything. I am lucky enough to be in a mid-senior level, in a FT and comfortable job which I enjoy

@StealthPolarBear - I assume this is why people are asking if she values her relationship. As he is feeling down and struggling to find a FT role, whilst she is happy in her job.

Original poster
Pistachio1702 · 16/04/2020 21:18

Thank you, all - lots of food for thought and many things I hadn't considered. I will respond properly tomorrow but was up at 4am today so practically falling asleep and you will get less sense out of me now!

Ps a miniseries?! Grin Dear Screenwriters, if you happen to make a TV drama out of this I would like a significant % of the royalties. Many thanks, Pistachio Smile

OP posts:
sewingsinger · 16/04/2020 21:19

So when you mentioned the job and said you weren't going for it your DP said nothing? You didn't discuss it at all? I find this very strange to be honest.

I am wondering if you are 'doing yourself down' here, are you scared to go up against your DP in case you 'win' and he is annoyed?

If you DP was asked about you professionally what would he say? and likewise for you about him?

My view on the world in this situation is this, the worst answer I'll get is 'no', but at least I have tried and will have (hopefully) learnt something through the process. OP you need to go for this job, even if you don't it, it will be good to get feedback and will show you are looking for the next step. You never know what doors it will open .......

Oblomov20 · 16/04/2020 21:20

You are crazy not to apply. you've been approached and recommended to apply. please for gods sake apply.

but before you do that, you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation with your DH.

although his pride is hurting, surely he would want this for you if you did get it. Ask him? What's the worst case scenario here. Could he live with it?
We are All hoping that he could. even if you don't get it.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 16/04/2020 21:24

This is a real dilemma OP. I think a lot depends on what type of man your DH is and how strong your relationship is. You say you have a good job and you're happy but your DH is struggling mentally with his freelance position. As he is more experienced, you getting the job over him could crush him if I was in your shoes and my relationship was super happy then I'd probably step aside for this one. However, if he's the type to be really supportive of you succeeding, then go for it. Do come back and let us know what happens.

Mmsnet101 · 16/04/2020 21:37

As a recruiter, I say go for it.

A) what if neither of you get the role, or you don't go for it and he doesn't get it?

B) they've approached you, so they must think there's a good chance of a match. Nobody sits in interviews for the sake of it.

C) if it was the other way around, he'd more than likely go for it without this much thought. There's lots of research demonstrating that if there's 10 items on a job spec, a man will apply if he only matches one or two of the criteria whereas many women will want to check off all 10 or as close to it before even applying. Patriarchal bullshit but true in my experience.

D) experience isn't everything, although he's 10 yrs senior, maybe he doesn't 'fit' or they don't like freelancers etc etc etc. Who knows!

E) you'll regret it if you don't put your hat in the ring. Even if you don't get this role, it may open doors or just give you experience of interviewing for roles at this level.

MummytoCSJH · 16/04/2020 21:38

I agree with people saying go for it. You might not even get it, but he might not be their second choice if you didn't apply or got it and turned it down! Always worth a shot. If he's anything less than supportive - think about how you would react, given that you are almost willing to make a big sacrifice career wise here.