DH and I potentially going for same job - WWYD?

[Pistachio1702]

Hi all - NC, but long-time poster. The following feels very "first-world problems" and I feel very lucky to (so far) be in a secure job but please bear with me as I really could do with advice!

DH and I both work in same industry. He is 10 years older (47 to my 37) and more senior. He has been freelancing after taking voluntary redundancy a few years ago but looking for a FT role and getting a bit down about situation and not finding anything. I am lucky enough to be in a mid-senior level, in a FT and comfortable job which I enjoy and am good at, but looking to take that next step in seniority.

DH and I have both been approached for the same FT super senior role. This is a job he could easily do, having been at a similar level in his last role and for a few years beforehand.

I told DH I had been approached but thought it was too senior (I really do). So I said no. He made no comment on this and we moved on and discussed other things.

I have since been rung up by organisation/manager/potential boss who is hiring and encouraged to go for it. So I am tempted to submit a CV - you never know but really, this would a very, very senior, very high-profile position. I doubt I will get it but I know if I didn't go for it, I would regret it. There aren't many roles as big in my industry.

AIBU to submit a CV, just in case? WWYD? And if I do, how do I broach with DH? Should I just let this one go and wait my turn?

I am usually always in the "go for the job even if you think is too hard/too senior" camp - "you have nothing to lose". But I am on the rise, well-off, have just taken on a NED appointment, just been promoted etc. whereas he is struggling to find something.

Not the most coherent post - apologies, my head just keeps whirring round. I would really love to hear some thoughts!

Oooo, interesting one!

So generally I think you should always go for a job if you want it. Even if your best friend wants it. Ultimately, you don't get to choose who gets it. There is never any guarantee if you 'step aside' that the person you make way for will get the job.

In addition, I think women should always go for something even if they only half think they stand a chance. I believe a lot of the gender pay gap is women waiting until they know they know they could do the job. When men apply if they reckon they could.

I nearly didn't go for my current job. Thought it was at least one step away for me. I aced the interview and get glowing reviews now I'm in post. OP it sounds like you are smashing it in your current role and itching to move on.

The thorny question here is how would your DH take it if/when you apply. Would you ever want your partner to not go for something just because you wanted it? Even if there was no guarantee you would get it as a result of their sacrifice? I think that's a pretty big ask.

The other thing to consider....this lockdown may continue for months. How robust is your industry? Your company? The approaching company? If you've over 2 years in the current job, you may be in a better position to stay employed where you are. Or you might find it best to jump ship before things get worse if you can

This reminded me so much of Larger Than Life by Adele Parks that I had to re read the post to make sure you hadn't mentioned being pregnant and working in advertising.

I think you should apply. Why not? And I would hope when you told your DH it would be without apology, because you have as much right to this chance as he does.

You definitely must apply. It is not at all obvious who is the better candidate - depends what they are after. If you both get to second round interview then at that point depending on the number of candidates you might consider one of you stepping down (in your shoes I would personally step down). BUT to do that before a very late stage in the process is silly and will most probably lead to neither of you getting the job.

Only one of you should apply and I think you need to decide between you who should. Generally I'd say go for every opportunity but it depends if you value your marriage more than your job.I do the same job as my DP, he's been much more senior than me but I've closed the gap dramatically. If he went for the next promotion there is no way I would too. We're a team and we earn enough between us to pay for the kids and the mortgage. You should really be a team too.

The thing I'm a bit confused about is the assumption that if you step aside he'd automatically get it. Are you the only people applying?

But if he doesn’t get it you will always wonder if you would have done!
I’d chat to DH and get him on board. Say it makes sense for both of you to go for it on the hope one of you gets it.
But I’d want my partner on board for this.
But of course your career is as important as his

Which industry do you work in? In mine, people value collaboration and relationships, so I would expect the interviewers to ask why you are both applying for the same job - something to think about.

Do you offer different approaches? In your situation, the only way I could do it would be if I agreed with dh that we were basically applying to do the job in v different ways. Clearly delineate our approaches. And then leave it up to the employers to decide which approach (as opposed to which person) they prefer.

The thing I'm a bit confused about is the assumption that if you step aside he'd automatically get it. Are you the only people applying?

Yes indeed.

And the other assumptions going on here from some posters

1. That their relationship will suffer if she gets the job but not if he does.
2. That she should be happy to step aside for him but not the other way around.
3. That although she needs experience at this level to develop her career and he doesn’t, he somehow deserves the job more
4. That by applying she is putting herself in conflict with him but not vice versa
5. That they have only asked her to apply so they can pay less. It couldn't possibly be because they think she’s good.
6. That the OP should put her ambitions on hold for the sake of the family income , but her husband doesn’t have to.
7. That’s it’s easier for her than him to get another senior job, even though he has the experience and she doesn’t AND men In general get paid more and promoted more quickly.

You’ll know better than me what type of uncertainty Covid-19 is likely to bring to your field, and what your individual circumstances are re financial security.

I mention this because it strikes me that this is not the time to move from a secure job. You could well be in a more secure position in a job you know, with x years of employment behind you and a good record/established internal relationships than going somewhere new.

By this I mean, you’re less likely to be made redundant, could eligible for a bigger payout if made redundant, better able to navigate choppy waters.

So for you, moving roles is likely to decrease your security, as least for a while.

It’s different for your husband. Getting a job would give him increased security over freelancing.

If security isn’t an issue, it’s a different decision, but if that is a salient factor, maximize your security across the family unit.

Go for it! Great interview practice for you if nothing else. Plus you're increasing the likelihood one of you gets it, if you turn down the interview the recruiter will try to put someone else forward. Treat it like a team exercise.
Hopefully you have different surnames at work at least so no awkward questions come up.

Iona'a post hits the nail on the head. Striking that the very first reply was 'will your relationship survive if you get it', but that wasn't asked vice versa.

I do agree that secure job + presumably secure job is possibly better in the current climate than secure job + freelancer, but I think there's more than that going on with these replies.

Exactly, @IONA and @CatteStreet. I’ve been genuinely shocked by the widespread assumption that it’s the Ickle Woman’s role to step aside or risk creating conflict in her relationship.

I think on a personal level it would be great for you to get the job but thinking of the bigger picture, surley it is better for your family of you are both working full time.

Those were my thoughts too.

Times are uncertain.
I would be prioritising family financial stability over career.
Let him apply for the job, and park your ego,at the door.
It’s better that both of you are in full time jobs.
You yourself feel like it’s a stretch and he has the experience having done the role before.
Other roles will come up when you are actually more capable.

That said there’s no guarantee he’d get it either. You have been approached which generally means you have a good shot at it. Whenever I have been approached for a role I have been offered it. I think recruiters and employers generally have a good working relationship and their opinion holds a lot of weight.

If neither of you got it, because you didn’t apply that would be crap too.

Also be really awkward if you both got interviewed. Do you use the same surname? (I know most married couples do, but not all).

That's a tricky one. I don't see any reason you shouldn't apply for the job too, but I think you need to be mindful it could really have an effect on your relationship, especially if he's already feeling frustrated and upset about not having permanent work and then you get a job that he wants. I think you and your DH need to have a really open chat about your feelings on this.

How would you feel if you didn’t apply and he didn’t get the job? Some random other got it? You’d always be kicking yourself for not going for it.

I can't believe the posts saying he'd make more money than her. You DON'T know this and you unfairly assume he'd get it, not her.

The reality is she might get it and she might be paid the same or more than him (don't underestimate she's the one climbing the ladder and she's been approached directly - she's clearly very good, although I will say you have to get rid of your imposter syndrome, OP, it just doesn't suit you and definitely not at your level. You ARE good enough to get it!). Why not go for it then, it would bring more money to their family regardless?

I think you need to sit down with DH and discuss openly all the reasons why he wants to go for it and why you want to go for it. But whatever they are, do not make a decision tainted with the assumption he's more likely to get it than you. I think you both need to agree what to do and what's best for you both individually and for your family as a whole right now, it's a partnership of two adult people. You need to talk and weigh up all the options, including how the other one would feel if they are not selected, so there's no drama later on.

Doesn't sound worth it to me. You don't actually really want the job and he does, you're perfectly happy where you are and he isn't. You could potentially take this opportunity from him, even applying is showing you're willing to do so which makes no sense in my opinion. You'll have your turn.

Imagine... husband doesn’t get the job, but further down the line he gets a different, also permanent role. Where does that leave you? Wishing you’d just gone for the interviews...?

I think it says more about you if you DON’T apply than if you do. Basically - you’ve stepped aside for your husband and you may always feel like he thinks he’s better or worth more than you...

As a recruiter I’d find that deference to your husband bizarre and I’d wonder about your confidence and possibly your ability to manage a male team (if relevant) ...

I would definitely apply - we only get one shot at life!

You applying would be doubling the chances of someone in your household getting the job.

I think you should go for it. My dh would definitely encourage me to apply.

You are thinking of not applying because of a man who wasn't decent enough to encourage his wife in her career.

I'm confused as to why so many posters think a man who hasn't been employed in this role for over a year is more likely to get a job than a woman that has been approached twice.

Yes he wants the job but I want loads of jobs I don't get! It's not fair for OP working in the same sector to stay in a lower job to give her husband a better chance? If neither of them get it then she has risked a pay rise and career progression because her husband told her too? I don't think my marriage would be able to get past that.

A lot of posters worried about how the marriage would survive if she got the job. I honestly couldn't stay with a man who made me believe I wasn't good enough for a promotion. Especially if he didn't get the job he told me was his right to have.

The thing that stands out for me is the fact that you have said that you are happy in your job and initially wouldn’t have applied until you were approached but he is frustrated freelancing. Thats nothing to do with gender etc as I would say the same if it were the other way round. Only you and he know how he would feel if you got it and he stayed frustrated in his job. If its not something that would create a problem between you or make him unhappy then I see no other reason not to go for it if you want the job.
Like others have said, someone else entirely might get it.

I don’t think you should both enter the process. I think the hiring manager will find it weird (unless you have different surnames and are confident nobody will be aware) and it may well discount you both

This