If dh is the sole breadwinner and his job makes me unhappy, do you think he should change his job and maybe jeopardise his career for my happiness?

[DumbledoresGirl]

I am in such a muddle of thoughts.

The bottom line is that I hate the fact that dh has to go away lots on business. He is away at least one night a week, often for the whole week, on rare occasions, he has been away for 2 weeks at a time.

I know this doesn't bother some people, but it bothers me a lot. It mainly bothers me because I have phobia issues (some of you know what of but I don't really want to talk about that today) but it is more than that. Dh is away so much that I feel he misses out on family life, the children are missing their father's influence, and I struggle so much to make all the decisions and provide all the input that it is necessary when raising children.

My heart's desire would be for dh to do a job that never took him away from home at night.

But, dh is the sole breadwinner. He works in management and earns what most would consider to be a very good salary (though we struggle on it! ) He can't just change jobs at the drop of the hat. The job he is doing now took about 8 months from first interview to starting. There are very few positions dh is able to fulfill. We are completely dependent on his salary.

Yet every week, I put pressure on him to find another job. Should I? I can't work out in my mind, do I have a right to mess around with his career simply because what he does right now makes me so unhappy? It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. But I only have one shot at life and I am so unhappy with him working away so much (he claims not to like it either).

What is your opinion on this situation?

That's a tough one, DG.

Is it possible for you to take up some kind of paid work, and take some of the burden off him?

DG - I think that we are responsible in the main for our own happiness. If DH is truely unhappy with his job and the impact on his life then he is responsible for dealing with that.

I do think that there might be a lot of transference going on here though, to do with your phobia. Rather than act yourself to reduce the impact of your phobia on your life and your happiness, you are tranfering the problem on to DH's job. A lot of phobic behaviour is tied up with control and how we use our phobias to secure power over other people and our enviroments.

The main cause of your unhappiness seems overwhelmingly to do with your phobia and I would contend that reducing the impact of that on your life will have by far the biggest impact.

I know how awful a serious phobia is and how it affects everything that you do on a day by day basis. I understand how difficult it is to take even the first step towards getting appropriate help. But for all that, it really is the only long term solution to securing happiness in your life.

I think it is time to take a serious and sustained step towards dealing with your phobia - you can overcome this with the right help and support

DG - I can kind of relate to this. Dh works very, very long hours, and can often work away. To the point that he can go for a week without seeing the boys (goes to work before they wake, comes home when their in bed) I've been diagnosed with PND, and his absence (for want of a better word) has hit both of us even more.

His salary also, is very good, so we've kind of become spoilt by it. If he changed jobs, then I would def have to work full time to make up the difference. BUT - even though we don't like the hours, dh DOES like his job.

We have gone over it so many times (he feels guilty that he doesn't "help" enough because he's not here etc) but we finally came to a compromise - once both the boys are in school (ds1 2.5, and ds2 5mths) then I will get more more hours, so he can work less.

Not sure if this helps you at all, but just wanted you to know that you're not the only one in this sort of situation.

x

I'm sorry I don't know what yor phobia is so don't know if it's appropriate to suggest that you get a job?

DG - my dh has a high powered well salaried job which takes him away each week. He loves it and I wouldnt ask him to change because quite honestly I enjoy having no financial worries but I do get resentful that I have to fit my family life around his work commitments.

I dont really know what to advise tbh but I hope you can resolve this

Hi DDG

Hard to say really because it is a very personal thing. For me, I really value my own space (how did I end up married with 3 kids then?) so I wouldn't mind if my dh was away from home more. BUT I appreciate that you do mind and why....

Maybe the way forward is for your dh to look out for another comparable job which would involve less travel but not do anything rash like take a job he hates, etc. Does he enjoy his job apart from the travel? I do think that careers can be more important to men than women (lets hope Xenia doesn't see this!)

How likely is he to get another job nearby? Would you all be prepared to move again? Lots of things to consider...

I do agree with Soapbox a bit that if you were happier yourself (not so constrained by your phobia, had a better support network locally) you might not mind so much about your dh's travelling...

Have you made any decisions yet about returning to work?

I don't know your situation dg, so difficult to advise, but is it possible for you to find work so that you can work towards balancing your family finances differently? Can you as a family survive on less money? Do you want to? Does he? Does he love his job? Sounds like you need to sit down and look at your goals as individuals and as a family, and at your values - eg family time vs standard of living. This is what we are doing, very slowly. Agree that hassling him not best idea... but also have very absent dp, who I feel misses out, so know what it is like.

Just seen soapbox's post and I agree that if it is mainly the phobia that is causing these feelings then that needs looking at too. Does being at home with the kids all the time exacerbate the phobia? would it help you to woth?

my dh never used to go away but now he does sometimes

I'd never ask him not to, in fact the longest he is going away is because i said he could - he was going to avoid it but it is really important so I said okay. I am dreading it btw!

if he goes away I plan things in for me - I get DVDs, for example - one week when I was tired I went out and bought an entire weekful of M&S meals. I make sure that there is wine in and I go to bed at a decent hour, I listen to a relaxation tape to help me go to sleep. I find that the flylady malarkey is essential to stop me going overboard and getting into a state

mainly my gripe with his job is that he used to be home for bedtime and now he is not

me and dd1 have agreed new rules on those nights so that I'm not flying by the seat of my pants, it is hard but I actually do find advantages in my relationship with her because I am giving her extra responsibility

cod will be on here snurking at you in a minute and going 'fgs'. But I understand that there are some mental health issues that make it harder. I have health anxiety, I have had cognitive behaviour therapy which makes it easier but has not made it go away (have you had help for your emetophobia?). For me it is about being strict with myself, not getting tired is the main thing as it makes everything worse.

I think as far as I'm concerned it's about planning and giving yourself something to look forward to. I invite a friend round for a drink one night, I call friends, or mn

and if dd1 starts up I am very firm that this is My Time

What is your dh's response to your pushing for him to change his job?

If he's really happy in his job, then I think you're in a difficult position (which is not to say I don't sympathise).

Slap me here, DGG, but how about turning this around and saying that you only have one life, yes, and it is up to you to make YOUR life as good as possible. Get your phobia sorted out - easier said than done, I know and I am not being flippant, but it is ruining your life - and get yourself into a place where you are happy with your dh but also good when he is not there - interests, hobbies, friends, stuff that you can and want to do independently.

I think enjoying what you have is one of the most important lessons in life. Truly.

Thank you so much for replying. I wasn't sure if anyone would or whether everyone would ignore the moaner in the corner. I genuinely mean it when I say that everyone who has posted so far has made really valid and useful points, but Soapbox, I am afraid your post has set me off in floods of tears because it is so accurate. I stand in awe of your ability (not for the first time, in my personal experience) to cut straight to the chase.

Most of you seem to be saying I should consider working myself. Yes, I agree completely. I have been wanting to work for years (literally) now, but I cannot work out what to do. Dh, who has always been fully supportive of whatever I decide re my personal life, has reached the point of not wanting to talk to me about this anymore as I simply cannot make my mind up what to do. I used to teach, but decided I did not want such a pressurised job now that I have children, but can't get away from the fact that teaching would give me the best money I could hope for, the holidays to be with the children, and it is the only job I feel in any way qualified to do. Ideally, I would prefer a quiet office job but I am like a child in my knowledge of the working world.

So yes, working might relieve dh of some of the financial burden (though even if I worked full time as a teacher I would not earn half what dh earns now) and would give me a focus outside the home that is SEVERELY lacking at the moment in my life. But I also find the idea of working deeply frightening (I actually feel I am losing my grip on life completely when I say this) as I find it very hard to do anything at all when dh is away, and the idea of holding down a job in addition to all my responsibilites when dh is away feels like the opposite of what I need (even though I can see it isn't).

But even if I did work and freed up dh to earn less money, that would be so wrong, wouldn't it? How can I ask him to take on a role that is less than the one he does now? I should be supporting him up the laddder, not down it. I don't really know if dh enjoys his job. I thought he did, but he says he is fed up with the travel and his role within the company has changed lately and it is not what he wants to do anymore. I don't know how much this is him saying that to make me feel better.

As for moving, dh and I are determined we will not - at least we agree on that and both know how the other feels about that. We have moved so much in our married life and are now living in a gorgeous house we have huge plans for and no desire whatsoever to leave. The children are all at school and the eldest is at secondary so I want complete stability in terms of where we live from now on. We chose where we live on the basis of the communication links to other cities (because dh works in engineering where there has been no job security for decades) so we are reasonably optimistic that he could find alternative work, eventually, but it is unlikely it would pay as well as his current job if it was a job without travel

I am waffling. I know you want me to address my phobia, but I can't right now. I know this is wrong, but I don't see how to get round this. Sorry, crying again. Must go and compose myself.

I have to agree with ggg that you need to get your chairs in order from a mental health point of view before you can think rationally about this

I got to the point (actually we do still get to this point about once a fortnight ) where I had to stop relying on dh to 'fix' me when the problem was all mine

ooh sorry x posted

will read what you said

Oh, DG, you sound so sad.

I hope you can find some help.

Sorry for horrendously long post. Cappuccino, I have reached the point when I simply don't want to make the best of the situation. I want the situation to change. This is my life and I feel I am wasting it away forever fretting about things being out of my control.

In fact, if I had to say what the one biggest downside of marriage is, it is that my whole life seems to have been taken out of my control. I want some control back.

" I know you want me to address my phobia, but I can't right now."

DG why not? Why not now? it is making you so miserable

oh luvvie

your dh's job is not yours to control

you need to take control of your own stuff

Because I am too * scared of confronting it.

And because I do not believe I will ever be free of it, only that gradually, as the children get older, it will stop being thrust into my face 24 hours a day.

In a sentence, I do not feel I have any control over my phobia, so I am looking for some other ways of regaining control over my life.

I suppose.

I sound like a complete shit, don't I?

DDG I do sympathise. I am lucky in that I have never really been in that situation, although DH does sometimes work v long hours.

I am not aware what your phobia is, so can't comment with that in mind. However I would say that if your DH gives up his career because he 'should' to make you happy, there is a strong chance he will then be unhappy and may resent you.
It is his decision to make, if he is unhappy with being away from you and DCs, he needs to come to that conclusion himself. Difficult as it is not to pressurise him I am sure.

I feel for you and hope you resolve this and your phobia.

okay now that is a ridiculous excuse. Your phobia itself is stopping you from getting help about your phobia?

I want you to call your gp right now and make an appointment and tell him you want CBT therapy and that this is taking over your life and it has gone on long enough.

No it does not make your phobia go away. Only this morning I emailed cod convinced that because I kept going faint and dizzy I was going to die of an unspecified neurological complaint.

I have spent some time over the weekend worrying about this. But I now do have ways to deal with it which I just did not have before so it is BETTER, not gone but BETTER. Your phobia is not going to go away just because your kids grow up. You and your dh are going to grow old and frail together with all the sick bugs that come along with it

"I simply don't want to make the best of the situation. I want the situation to change. This is my life and I feel I am wasting it away forever fretting about things being out of my control."

there are aspects of everyone's life that are out of control. For example, I want to be able to put my kids' gloves on and pop down to the corner shop without having to consider which bit of disability equipment I will need and whether I will be physically able to handle said equipment and a toddler

I am not saying this to engender sympathy btw. I am saying that stuff happens that is out of our control and it is sometimes not about changing it, it is about changing our attitude to it. I recognise pessimism when I see it because I have a bucketload.

You have GOT to take care of yourself

you have my email and I am always here you FOOL

Oh DDG - your post struck a cord with me. My dh works most weekends (as an engineer, in his field, that is when the interesting installations happen and he wants to be there - the overtime is handy too) and I hate being a 'single mum' virtually 7 days a week. On top of that I suffer from Health Anxiety and depression, and have just come off the AD's.

Don't force your dh to change jobs - you may end up in a worse situation and he may resent you for it!

How about a compromise with your dh? I have agreed with my dh that he only works 2 weekends in every month. The other 2 are family time. During dh's working weekends I plan things to do with the dc. Then as a family we make the most of the other 2 weekends, so that even though the dc don't get to spend EVERY weekend with dh, the ones we do spend together are fun filled and much talked about.

Agree with GGG - only YOU are responsible for your own happiness, take up a hobby, with the dc. My 8yr old ds is going to teach me and dd (age 4) how to play golf on the weekends dh is working. Should be fun!
I also try, once every few months, to have a child-free day when dh is working. So one Saturday the dc will spend at my SIL or MIL, and I go shopping or swimming or spend the day reading a book. It helps me to get through the rest of the months as virtually a single mum!

"It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. I sound like a complete shit, don't I?"

No, truly, you don't sound any of those things. I have read your threads when you have been suffering, and my heart goes out to you. It is easy to see how huge your phobia looms over all of this - and is now trapping you in guilt because you know that is what is affecting your view of your DH's job - a la Soapbox's post.

I know nothing about phobias, really, but know that they are no slight thing.

I can understand that this upsets you even more becuase you feel so helpless in the face of your phobia.

I wonder if you would start to feel less self-hating - and therefore stronger in the face of your phobia and your ability to get it sorted, if you created an environment where your phobia really isn't a problem? Would it be at all possible for you and DH to budget for an au pair for the periods he is away? I know this will be very every expensive, but as an investment for 6 months, to give you 'respite' and see what it would be like to live a little as if you did not have the phobia? (because freed of the responsibility, you wouldn't have to factor it in, iyswim)

You have my sympathy, you really do, and you are not selfish, or a shit - not at all.

XXXXX

My DH is also an engineer, and realistically I don't see your DH getting a job that doesn't involve any travel. We have gone run the gamut from away every week Sunday to Friday (grim), one or two week bursts every month or so (better, but not great) and now, one day or two a week (best for me, DH and the children ATM).

But as someone else said, control of his job is not control of your life.

I'm also a teacher, but haven't worked since my youngest child was born. I have taken up studying again to give myself some focus, something for me, and it is marvellous.

Again, you are all so spot on with your advice and comments. Thank you all.

Cappuccino, urgh, I don't know what to say.

hippipotami, unfortunately, neither dh nor I have any control over how often he has to travel, so I can't make any compromises in that way. I do agree with you though about making the best of the time we do have together. We have been pretty good about that lately and there has been a sense that my life has become more fulfilled, and also that we are doing the best we can in a bad situation.

I know it is inevitable that you will all see my phobia at the bottom of this thread, and you are right to, but honestly, that isn't the only issue. There is still very much the issue of dh missing out on family life and leaving me to be the sole parent. I feel that if this situation continues, not only will I be eaten up by the phobia, but dh will live to regret his lack of involvement with the children. I know because my father worked long hours all his career (hopsital doctor) including regular weekends and he feels really guilty about this (although he has no need to IMO).

An au pair would not be possible. We struggle every month on dh's salary and I would struggle with a stranger in my house, taking care of my children. I do fantasise about having so much money we have a full time nanny, but I know the reality would be impossible to live with. Actually confronting the phobia would be easier I think.