If dh is the sole breadwinner and his job makes me unhappy, do you think he should change his job and maybe jeopardise his career for my happiness?

[DumbledoresGirl]

I am in such a muddle of thoughts.

The bottom line is that I hate the fact that dh has to go away lots on business. He is away at least one night a week, often for the whole week, on rare occasions, he has been away for 2 weeks at a time.

I know this doesn't bother some people, but it bothers me a lot. It mainly bothers me because I have phobia issues (some of you know what of but I don't really want to talk about that today) but it is more than that. Dh is away so much that I feel he misses out on family life, the children are missing their father's influence, and I struggle so much to make all the decisions and provide all the input that it is necessary when raising children.

My heart's desire would be for dh to do a job that never took him away from home at night.

But, dh is the sole breadwinner. He works in management and earns what most would consider to be a very good salary (though we struggle on it! ) He can't just change jobs at the drop of the hat. The job he is doing now took about 8 months from first interview to starting. There are very few positions dh is able to fulfill. We are completely dependent on his salary.

Yet every week, I put pressure on him to find another job. Should I? I can't work out in my mind, do I have a right to mess around with his career simply because what he does right now makes me so unhappy? It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. But I only have one shot at life and I am so unhappy with him working away so much (he claims not to like it either).

What is your opinion on this situation?

so you are happy enough to spend what DH earns, not that unhappy with his job then...but still want him to potentially change - just to suit you. Well it is his employment why dont u let him chose. instead of puutting pressure on him in the precious moments that you do see him why dont u ease off be supportive

it is about team work- he is doing this for you and baby you reap benefits eg financial

My dad had jobs that took him abroad all the time. Sometimes he would be based abroad for weeks or months. Sometimes he would visit 5 countries in 3 days. Our usual Monday afternoon question when we got home from school was "Is Daddy coming home tonight?" He was almost always home for the weekends, but we were, effectively, a single parent family during the week.

Recently I discussed this with my dad, because I felt it had had a bad effect on us as individuals and as a family. To my surprise he agreed with me. At the time he hadn't wanted to keep uprooting us, especially once we had started school, and had felt it better to commute between countries. But he later regretted it and wished that he had either not accepted the longer 'postings', or had taken us with him and either home-schooled us or enrolled us in local schools.

Oh DG, I'm sorry to hear you sounding so fed up and sad.

Agree with the others, though. Tackle your phobia - beating it would give you back so much confidence that the whole job thing will seem a cinch.

Re your dh: what could he practically do to get home earlier once in a while? Is he is any sort of control of his schedule?

Exactly, our marriage is teamwork. I have sacrificed myself for dh's career every step of the way. I have moved house 6 times in 13 years, always to another part of the country where I have known no-one, I have given up my career to care for our children, I am completely at the beck and call of my husband when it comes to where we live, what we do, who I know, how we spend the money. All I am asking for now is some happiness? It is not as simple as dh giving up his work and me becoming the breadwinner as I would not earn anything like what dh does. So we are a team together and I am asking if it is unreasonable that after 13 years of making dh happy, he addresses the issue of my happiness.

That post is in answer to ScottishMummy who, has not, I feel grasped what I am about at all.

DG - two seperate issues
1-DH job
2 - your phobia, deep distress. it wont go away quickly needs long term work - CBT maybe. Pat on the back for your acheivements eg Teaching Degree or PGCE, raising a family, dont know how this will work out for you. so good luck

Yes, but your DH doesn't seem to be stressing too much about the amount of time he spends away from home or worrying about it - you are worrying about it on his behalf. Of course I am am sure he would be happier to be away less, but isn't he just shrugging, getting on with at best he can because that's the way his job is? In the same way that as the child of someone who was out working as a doctor, you understand that and say your own dad need not feel guilty?

But what WOULD make you happier, DG? Is it really about him being home more?

Or about you doing something different/having new challenge?

OR BOTH?

What do you actually want him to do to address your happiness DG?

What, realistically, can he do?

I wonder how dh would survive financially if I walked out and left him to find professional care for our children and home? We may have an old fashioned set up in that I have always stayed at home to care for the children, having sacrificed my career, and dh has always worked and put his work before all other considerations, but we are not old fashioned in so far as seeing that I am spending dh's money. It isn't like that with us. Dh's money is our money, and my money (when I have had any) is his.

I resent the implication that I am spending dh's money. Sheesh!

Got to go and get children now. Will read back later.

no one can address anyone else's issuses of happiness - it comes from a deep rooted sense of self. you need to address whatever you identify as issue and your DH can support you. as i said good luck u were smart enough to qualify and work as teacher, and robust enough to move about so clearly you are more capeable than u give yourself credit for

I don't see how that is relevant TBH.

Unless to suggest you feel undervalued by him?

Why did you "sacrifice your career"?

I hear and understand the quiet desperation in your posts. When you feel anxious and out of control, it is always tempting to think that a big change of some sort is the answer. In your case, there is a very tangible problem with your dh's job - that it takes him away from home and leaves you holding the fort with your phobia. Every time he does it you must feel as though it is his fault that you are going through hell.

I spent years blaming my dh for my unhappiness by his refusal to move jobs. In all honesty, when things are bad, I still do. But I needed to accept that his job was not the root of my unhappiness, and even if some aspects of it were (location mainly), I had to accept it before it killed me.

I have had to accept that the life I think I want to live is one that I will never live with him. Then make a choice - is it him or is it the supposed 'life' that I want? I chose him. I realised that without him, there was no happy ending anyway, and I have to accept him the way he is.

It is desperation, and tempting to place it all upon your partner. But the only way forward is to accept the things you can't change, and work on the things you can.

Dumbledoresgirl - I don't think that it is reasonable in this day and age to expect that one's partner/spouse not travel for work, if they have a responsible job.

All SAHMs I know are largely SAHMs because their husbands have jobs that involve extensive travel with unpredictable schedules and they can justify their SAHM position because, quite frankly, their homes would fall apart if they weren't holding the fort.

I think you have to address your phobia, and other underlying issues of fear. Have you seen a psychiatrist specialised in phobias?

It isn't your DH's job to fix you. By the sound of it, there is no guarantee that if he stopped his business trips, you wouldn't find something else to get in a state about.
I know that sounds harsh, and I am not blaming you for your mental health issues, but you do need to seek help for them. Fixing your problems is your responsibility, becasue no one else actually can fix them for you.

I'm sorry things are bad DG.

You know, I think one of the dangers of being at home for a prolonged time with the children (without working) is that the fear of going back to work can become totally overwhelming.

I wonder whether you would have more luck starting with work and then addressing your phobia if you've had no luck addressing it on its own iyswim.

Sometimes you need a different focus to get some perspective.

How about starting small - with something like doing regular reading at the school once a week and building up relationships with the teachers there?

Going back to the OP, i think you ARE entitled to have an opinion on your DH's job. Being the breadwinner doesn't mean that you have the right to ignore any negative impact your job has on your family; you mention very good sound reasons that his job is not good for the family (in addition to your difficulties because of your phobia). i think they are valid reasons. Yes he is the breadwinner but also being around to actually do some parenting is important too.

i don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask that he reconsiders on those grounds; he has chosen to have a family and with that we all know there may be some impact on our 'career ladder'.

but you may need to be radical in your thinking if you want changes. How about downsizing so your DH would have the option of having more flexibility in his choice of job? I can attest that the size of your house does not equal happiness, we have downsized and it was the best move we ever made.

And I also think going out to work again would be fab. How about working as a TA to get you back in the classroom without the responsibility, just for now?

I think the big question here is whether your DH changing his job would actually make you happy, though? (I know other posters have made this same point already.)

DG

There are so many issues in there, and I am sorry that you are unhappy.

I have only learned one thing in my entire life, and that is that you yourself are responsible for your own happiness.

So whilst you might prefer your husband to be around, the anxiety you describe is not quite right or balanced. I would suggest that you need to work on yourself first.

The suggestion of a job is a good one. I understand that after so much time out of the workplace, you would not earn so much. But after a while? After you've developed? You might earn more. It would help with the struggling finances, and help you to focus on yourself a bit more too.

I also think you should give your DH a bit of a rest from nagging. He likes his job despite the inconveniences. He's lucky.

Sending you positive thoughts and good wishes.

DG - DH changing jobs/downsizing financially has ramifications

1. financial (mortgage, social/lifestyle etc) 2 DH career progression
2. can u maintain current lifestyle on different wage 4 will DH career suffer or can he make adequate money/status elsewhere 5 does DH want to move 6 none of the above necessarily resolve your issues/phobias

as i keep emphasising you are a smart talented woman - just it has all got a bit muddled along the way good luck

oh DG

Sorry you are struggling.

Soapbox said exactly what I was thinking when I read your OP. I agree with ggg too.

you really do need to deal with your phobia. It is limiting you more than anything else in your life (including your DH's job).

Once you have dealt with it, and you can get it under control, and you can do it, I know you can, you will feel so much more empowered than you do now.

perhaps, as something to do, you could be a teaching assistant for a while? just part time until you are feeling a bit more confident?

DG - I know we don't need to tell you that you need to get help for your phobia asap. It is much harder to deal with all these other issues when you have such a weight on your shoulders. Please, please get to the docs and get referred. Hopefully when you start to feel in control of it you will be more confident about controlling your happiness in other areas of your life.
On a practical level, how about applying for a school secretary/admin job? It would be the office job you have said you would like, your background would appeal to schools as you would have empathy with teachers and experience with children, plus you still get school holidays with the kids. It won't be loads of money but will still ease the pressure and open the door for DH to consider a change when he is ready.
Also I noticed your lines about struggling to make decisions - maybe you need to ask dh to help you with this specificall. Explain you find it quite stressful and you really value his opinion and input when things affect yours/kids lives.
Good luck

I agree with the others about tackling your phobia first and then seeing how you feel about things. I know from past experience that if you are struggling on the wages he is earning and he is working away loads and lots of hours, then you do get to the point where you think, what on earth is this all about ?

DH worked away a lot and had a job that demanded him to work every waking hour. It got so bad that he became ill, which was a huge wak e up call for us. I do think that the point that he is missing out on family life is a very valid issue and one that you and your DH need to discuss to see exactly how he really feels about it, so you are certain of his real feelings are, rather than what he may think he has to say to make you feel better.

He has now found something for 4 days a week where he can work pretty much 9-5 and does 4 days a week (he is away at the moment but it's much rarer now)and I now have started working again (wish I had done it ages ago). We are both much happier and really appreciate life far more now than before. But in our case it was both of us hating the life we were leading.

It does though I think come back to you trying to deal with your phobia, so you can take it out of the equation and see how you both really feel about things.