If dh is the sole breadwinner and his job makes me unhappy, do you think he should change his job and maybe jeopardise his career for my happiness?

[DumbledoresGirl]

I am in such a muddle of thoughts.

The bottom line is that I hate the fact that dh has to go away lots on business. He is away at least one night a week, often for the whole week, on rare occasions, he has been away for 2 weeks at a time.

I know this doesn't bother some people, but it bothers me a lot. It mainly bothers me because I have phobia issues (some of you know what of but I don't really want to talk about that today) but it is more than that. Dh is away so much that I feel he misses out on family life, the children are missing their father's influence, and I struggle so much to make all the decisions and provide all the input that it is necessary when raising children.

My heart's desire would be for dh to do a job that never took him away from home at night.

But, dh is the sole breadwinner. He works in management and earns what most would consider to be a very good salary (though we struggle on it! ) He can't just change jobs at the drop of the hat. The job he is doing now took about 8 months from first interview to starting. There are very few positions dh is able to fulfill. We are completely dependent on his salary.

Yet every week, I put pressure on him to find another job. Should I? I can't work out in my mind, do I have a right to mess around with his career simply because what he does right now makes me so unhappy? It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. But I only have one shot at life and I am so unhappy with him working away so much (he claims not to like it either).

What is your opinion on this situation?

As to travel, as someone said further down this thread, dh reckons pretty much any job would involve overseas travel. I am not happy with the thought of any at all, but obviously once a month would be better than once a week, and once a year would be better still!

WRT travelling to get to work, we are very conveniently placed by the M4 and M5 junction and dh is willing to drive for up to an hour which takes him to loads of places.

He would be OK with long days too. He sometimes goes to Amsterdam leaving at 4 in the morning and back at 11 at night. I can cope with that and he doesn't mind it - better than having to be away overnight - but it would be hard to do too frequently. IS that the sort of thing you mean your dh does?

I do know what you mean about having only one shot at life...sometimes I get panicky when I realise how old I am, how much older I am going to be when the children are even all at secondary school, how little I feel I have done with my life sometimes... I certainly don't think I envisaged it turning our this way when I was in my teens/twenties.

How easy do you think it would be for your dh to get another job in the same area? I think you said he is an engineer - don't know if you want to say which type of engineering (I'm guessing aeronautical because of where you live and it is one of the main areas that has suffered in recent years).

Would he be happy to go back to doing a more technical role, rather than management? My dh is considering this as he hates all the office politics, conflicting demands, etc. (he's not an engineer btw)

Yes. DH also an engineer. Has always had to travel. So part of his decision to join his present company was based on where he would have to travel to, as he can get there and back in one (long) day. Trouble is, you can't always tell what is around the corner, because now they're thinking of taking on a manufacturing partner in the U.S.

Agencies not much cop in our experience. Word of mouth got DH this job .

Dh has always got work through agencies. In his line of business, there doesn't seem to be much word of mouth as other employers are competitors and they have to sign secrecy agreements (even from his wife - as I care! )

Dh originally has a mechancial engineering background. Currently working with truck brakes (yawn). Originally wasn't allowed to work for BAe (though he came to this country with that desire) and similar because he was not British but he is now so that shouldn't be a problem. However, some years back he got an MBA so he could get out of engineering but then found he had no interest in working outside engineering so he is still there. The point is, in theory he could run any business, but in practice he won't.

That should say "as if I care!"

Hello DG. I have had horrible phobia of wasps since a child. It seems to be worse than anyone else I know, even those who are self-confessed wasp-phobics too. I had tried hypnosis with a small amount of success, but didn't fancy any kind of treatment that involved getting closer to them than 20yards away!

I had postnatal depression with DS2 and have been on 30mg of citalopram. I've gradually relaxed and have been delighted to find that the phobia has miraculously all but gone. It's so nice to be able to behave like a normal person when there's a wasp checking you out
If you don't want therapy at the moment maybe it's worth a try?
My extra confidence has also led me to investigate a career change into something more creative - perhaps the flip side of having too much negative imagination is that you can tap into it in a positive way?

Mmm yes. DH also did an MBA, and he's decided he likes being a mechanical engineer so much that he will only be a hands-on engineering manager .

TellusMater, hmm, your dh and mine sound suspiciously similar. You are not in my neck of the woods are you?

All that travel...

Exactly what I was thinking....

Hmmmmmmmmmm............

Do you ever get the impression there is someone else, another family as it were?

Housemartin - your post sounds very interesting - am pleased you have been able to find a way to tackle your phobia. The 'other side of the imagination' approach is inteesting. And that ADs worked. Are you still on them?

Well, DH has just arrived home and I put it to him that he may be harbouring another four children somewhere and his look of horror was eloquent enough

Oh, and yes, he does long days once a week. He's seems to cope at the moment...

Horror at having been found out perhaps?

I really should not be here: 2 children upstairs in bath...

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your DH's job to fit in with your family life - I don't want to have to cope with DH regularly away overnight so he doesn't take jobs that would make this necessary. But given your location, "willing to drive for up to an hour" sounds a bit restricted - we don't live far from you and DH's current contract is in west London! When he only worked an hour away that was great, but it couldn't last forever.

There's only so much work down this way so maybe your DH should be more proactive and flexible in where he looks for work - even if he's out of the house from 6am to 8pm he can still see the kids, participate in daily family life, and most importantly be there at night.

Is it possible for him to be a contractor rather than an employee? He may well be able to earn significantly more, although you sacrifice job security/sick pay/pensions etc. Works for us though.

Message withdrawn

Hi Blu. I am still on the ADs as it took me three years to admit that I needed them, so both me and the GP think a fairly long period of time on them is justified
I still feel that I'm happy to take them for a while, and I'll probably be looking to reduce the dose nearer the end of the year. They really worked for the PND - finding that the phobia had disappeared was a surprise bonus. Even if it comes back when I stop taking them, I feel better able to deal with it somehow - I've seen how irrational it is firsthand IYSWIM. I'll be looking at hypnosis again before I stop them, to deal with that, and general anxiety levels. Probably ADs don't cure all phobias, otherwise we'd all know about it, but it certainly helped me.