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Original poster

If dh is the sole breadwinner and his job makes me unhappy, do you think he should change his job and maybe jeopardise his career for my happiness?

142 replies

DumbledoresGirl · 10/09/2007 12:51

I am in such a muddle of thoughts.

The bottom line is that I hate the fact that dh has to go away lots on business. He is away at least one night a week, often for the whole week, on rare occasions, he has been away for 2 weeks at a time.

I know this doesn't bother some people, but it bothers me a lot. It mainly bothers me because I have phobia issues (some of you know what of but I don't really want to talk about that today) but it is more than that. Dh is away so much that I feel he misses out on family life, the children are missing their father's influence, and I struggle so much to make all the decisions and provide all the input that it is necessary when raising children.

My heart's desire would be for dh to do a job that never took him away from home at night.

But, dh is the sole breadwinner. He works in management and earns what most would consider to be a very good salary (though we struggle on it! ) He can't just change jobs at the drop of the hat. The job he is doing now took about 8 months from first interview to starting. There are very few positions dh is able to fulfill. We are completely dependent on his salary.

Yet every week, I put pressure on him to find another job. Should I? I can't work out in my mind, do I have a right to mess around with his career simply because what he does right now makes me so unhappy? It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. But I only have one shot at life and I am so unhappy with him working away so much (he claims not to like it either).

What is your opinion on this situation?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 10/09/2007 16:35

The problems are internal to you needing therapy etc. They are not related to external circumstances like his job. You might find if you went back to full time teachig the distraction of that might help you in all sorts of areas including with phobias and then the financial pressure would be off your husband too. Win win all round.

littlelapin · 10/09/2007 16:37

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Hurlyburly · 10/09/2007 16:38

On this poster's issues - most people are in agreement with Xenia. Although newish here, there was a certain familiarity to Xenia's post that did make me

Dinosaur · 10/09/2007 16:39

I did think when I posted originally on this thread, Oh no I sound just like Xenia.

But I don't wheel it out as the universal panacea, however.

littlelapin · 10/09/2007 16:41

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Hurlyburly · 10/09/2007 16:42

Well yes but not working is just addressing a symptom rather than a cause.

TellusMater · 10/09/2007 16:43

Actually, I'm not necessarily in agreement with Xenia. In fact I rather agree with Anna (). If you are earning enough to pay someone else to do all the stuff that you do at home, then fantastic. But I wouldn't, and didn't, and when DH was away and I worked FT it was a nightmare juggling everything.

That's not to say I don't think everyone should have some form of 'work' in their life, for themselves, but 'work' does not have to equal 'paid employment'.

littlelapin · 10/09/2007 16:43

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littlelapin · 10/09/2007 16:45

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Dinosaur · 10/09/2007 16:50

lol at littlelapin and the melons analogy

KTeePee · 10/09/2007 16:58

DDG, if you were able to put the phobia thing to one side, and not have to worry about it, are you able to imagine how your life would be in an ideal world?

Would you want to go back to developing a career or would you prefer to stay at home while the children are still fairly young? Have you always dreamed about doing something else different to teaching?

Try to imagine that your phobia has gone away and you could do whatever you want with your life... Ok it may not be totally feasible but you might get some good ideas about things to do. The good thing about starting off from the position of a sahm is that any money you make is a bonus. So even if you need to do a course or take a job that doesn't pay very well, if it something you are doing for you and helps to make you happier, it is worth it.

I do agree with the others who have said you need to take more control of your own happiness (maybe easier said than done but....). You can't live the rest of your life through your husband and children. And are you really sure that if your husband changed his job it would be the magic thing that made everything better?

spitzhund · 10/09/2007 17:06

Goodness, DG.

No I don't think you should put pressure on him to get another job at all.

I would resent that hugely.

spitzhund · 10/09/2007 17:08

ah, you have pnd?

Well, a partner's health takes precedence over work, yes. If his job is detrimental to your health.... hmmmm.... I don't think 'pressure' should come into it though. Joint solution needed.

spitzhund · 10/09/2007 17:10

I'm not sure what all the phobia talk is about. Is that relevant too?

littlelapin · 10/09/2007 17:11

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Original poster
DumbledoresGirl · 10/09/2007 17:33

Gosh, a bit overwhelmed if the truth be known. Don't know how to respond or where to start...

Um, yes of course you were all going to say I should get the phobia sorted. But what if it is not sortable? Say I had had therapy (I haven't) and if had not worked. What would you say then?

Quick points:

dh is not happy in his job. I think I said it has changed lately and he does not like the new role or all the travelling (though whether that is because he knows I don't like the travelling, I am not sure about).

It is not a question of should I pressurise dh into a new job. He is casually looking all the time for the "right" role. The issue is more, should I pressurise him into a job without travel?

I do want to go back to work. I am not denying that will give me a new lease of life and help me with many issues (though not my phobia alas Xenia - if anything it could make it worse) But I don't see that has anything to do with the situation of dh being away except in so far as if I were working, it might give dh the freedom to get a less well paid job.

The point I was trying to make about my dad was that he feels guilty that he was not around more when we were little. I don't think he should feel guilty as such, but I can't help him with his feelings that he missed out on our childhoods. That is what I want dh to avoid.

Also, thank you to HonoriaGlossop whose post most closely matches the way I feel about this issue. I know it is supposedly a universal truth that we are responsible for our own happiness, but I actually don't quite agree. Dh and I are in this business of life together and I don't think it is unreasonable that he makes decisions with me in mind just as I make decisions with him in mind.

Thanks to all who have responded here. I feel desolate that you all feel my phobia needs addressing, even though I don't disagree with you.

OP posts:
littlelapin · 10/09/2007 17:37

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ELR · 10/09/2007 17:38

no i think it is resonable for you to feel like this but he obviously cant just switch jobs can you come to a compromise so that he will actively look for another job

Original poster
DumbledoresGirl · 10/09/2007 17:40

No, you are not wrong in your impression as to how much the phobia affects me. I am beginning to feel it is all I have in my life BLOODY HELL! (sorry, just needed to get that out).

If dh were here, he would say there are 2 issues I need to address: therapy for the phobia and getting a job.

I just feel in such a mire about both issues. I was hoping if I could persuade (encourage!) dh to get a job without travel, the phobia would be more controllable and allow me the strength to think about jobs.

Argh, I feel in such a mess right now.

OP posts:
spitzhund · 10/09/2007 17:41

you're talking about the whole 'team' thing, I understand that. We have had big arguments about this before, dh and I.

I believe individuals remain very much individuals but dh had a very strong 'team' ethos. Caused some problems when I wanted to change jobs.

If your dh isn't happy in his job, it's a good time to talk about changes.

ELR · 10/09/2007 17:54

perhaps if you had dh near and at home supporting you more you could then tackle your phobia dont know what it is so cant say if it would be cured but at the end of the day whats the point of being married having a family if you dont see each other and spend time together!! id rather eat value toast and beans everynight together than gourmet once in a while!!

Original poster
DumbledoresGirl · 10/09/2007 17:59

The phobia is of all things to do with vomit and vomiting. I was not meaning to be secretive about it, just feel I go on about it all the time here and no-one wants to know about it.

(PS, ds3 just had a horrid session on the loo. I know it is the other end, but....)

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 10/09/2007 18:01

you know what DG, I reckon it's perfectly natural to feel that therapy won't help sort out the phobia because that's part of the phobia - the bit that's stopping you getting help. It's all part and parcel of the same problem.

I wonder if you've got to the stage where you can think 'hell, I've got nothing to lose but try the therapy' iyswim

Original poster
DumbledoresGirl · 10/09/2007 18:06

I frequently get there FIS and then something makes me pull back. Like I think to myself: "If dh were always here at night, I would still have the phobia, but I would know I never have to face the worst scenario on my own" (because the worst scenario for me is the children being sick at night). So then I turn to the issue of how to get dh a job without travel and the thought of addressing the phobia gets put on the back burner again.

I believe you are right though: thinking no therapy will work is another symptom of the phobia.

But then, I have never met anyone who has claimed a 100% cure for this phobia.

OP posts:
ELR · 10/09/2007 18:08

thought thats what it was think i read it on another thread ages ago, did you watch that program on tv a while ago about a lady who had the same proiblem as you? they cured her by showing her pictures , then videos, then real people being sick but behind a screen and then with the screen removed it was quite effective so there is help out there but you have to make the first move to get it. It is really hard though, you dont realise it can just go on so long!! i have a weird ocd thing about having a wee which i have had for 16 years!!!! i used to say when i get to 21 i will stop then it was when i have dd then it was after we get married then after ds but like a plum i still have it