If dh is the sole breadwinner and his job makes me unhappy, do you think he should change his job and maybe jeopardise his career for my happiness?

[DumbledoresGirl]

I am in such a muddle of thoughts.

The bottom line is that I hate the fact that dh has to go away lots on business. He is away at least one night a week, often for the whole week, on rare occasions, he has been away for 2 weeks at a time.

I know this doesn't bother some people, but it bothers me a lot. It mainly bothers me because I have phobia issues (some of you know what of but I don't really want to talk about that today) but it is more than that. Dh is away so much that I feel he misses out on family life, the children are missing their father's influence, and I struggle so much to make all the decisions and provide all the input that it is necessary when raising children.

My heart's desire would be for dh to do a job that never took him away from home at night.

But, dh is the sole breadwinner. He works in management and earns what most would consider to be a very good salary (though we struggle on it! ) He can't just change jobs at the drop of the hat. The job he is doing now took about 8 months from first interview to starting. There are very few positions dh is able to fulfill. We are completely dependent on his salary.

Yet every week, I put pressure on him to find another job. Should I? I can't work out in my mind, do I have a right to mess around with his career simply because what he does right now makes me so unhappy? It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. But I only have one shot at life and I am so unhappy with him working away so much (he claims not to like it either).

What is your opinion on this situation?

Hi DB just wanted to add my support.

A really good friend of mine has suffered greatly with a phobia concerning vomitting (I think it was called emitophobia?). Anyway she has had some therapy for it and find she can now control it and has started working in a part time job. Mental health issues are very serious - I know I have suffered from depression in the past and I think it is very important to try and get help.

However I just wanted to add another perspective. I am a single working mum with two kids, one of whom has AS. I have absolutely no option but to work as I need the £££. I used to get fed up with work when I was married and wondered constantly about changing careers etc. My dh was earning good money and I could have stopped work then. However since the divorce it is not realistic to think about changing (unless I wanted to drastically change my standard of living which would have a bad impact on the kids). I have found that I think far less about that now. I also used to worry so so much about what other mums thought of me etc but now I have no time for that. Once I started relaxing I found I made a lot more friends. Nothing in life is perfect and I guess I have learnt the hard way to appreciate my kids and home and friends. You have lovely kids and a loving dh so just focus in on them. I would love to have a happy relationship with a nice guy but that does not seem possible but I have started to accept my life for what it is rather than constantly worry. It really is up to your dh to work out his career so if I were you I would leave that up to him and concentrate on sorting your health out. Loads of luck with that...

I had differnet phobia/obsession that was blighting mu otherwise lovely life. I had ADs and CBT (paid for privately £45/hour) and feel a lot better.

I do not know how old your children are, but could you amke an emergency arrangement with say a nanny agency or similar, that if they were to be sick you could call someone who could help you clear up and look after them, even if it was in the middel of hte night. (I had bad back after giving birht and we were desperate for someone to help look after me and baby, but spoke to nanny agency and paid £50 intro fee (few years ago), and then they would alwyas find someone for us.
(I suppose that you have already been advised to think how likely it is that your children will throw up, ie not likely to be frequent, so that you are worrying/obsessing over something that wont hapen v often. sorry hadve not read all of post, so may have not really understood the situation...)

Try CBT!!!

LGJ rushes in.

Clasps DG to her ample bosom, then leaves again in case anyone catches her giving a hug on MN.

Dg - phobias are not innate to humans, they are learned and as such they can be unlearned it takes, tears and perseverance. as i said in previous post CBT or psychologist/psychiarist with CPN input maybe even precription meds

it will take
time
hard work
realistic goal setting - it cantake months/years for phobia to develop and as such needs time to resolve
acceptance of actual issue
determination to take action
Self belief - if you cognitively connvince yourself that u cannot succeed it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy ifyswim

u need to take a step - make the first one a GP Home call talking in your sfe comfortable environment.

good luck

I know DG - but that's the thing - there isn't a cure as such, no quick fix. It's all about managing the way you feel.

It would be absolutely marvellous if there was a cure - if you could just flick a switch and it would be gone but that's not how it works. Learning to deal with it is hard work. Think how long you've lived with it! Now, you need to spend some time undoing all those negative, unconfident, panicky thoughts that you have.

It may well be something that lurks in the back of your mind but you learn how to deal with it. You'll learn how to stop yourself immediately getting into that downward panic spiral whenever you see a cue (like the kids saying they feel a bit poorly or whatever).

Just imagine being in a place where you can manage the way you feel!

If you choose to go for therapy, you'll have lots of us right behind you, supporting you every step of the way.

I thought that was your phobia. That IS tough, being on your own at night so much, given that particular phobia. But yes - as others have said - if dh changes his entire life to pander to your phobia it will empower it and disempower both you and he. You will feel more identified by it, and he will feel resentful.
If you haven't tried CBT yet, you have every reason to be hopeful that it will work. It sounds as though you are so near to having a brilliant life. Tackle the phobia first, and then look at everything else. Be hopeful.

you cant ask him to change jobs, that would be very unreasonable

DDG, you sound so sad and this is obviously really taking it's toll on you.

Sometimes getting help can be the hardest step of all and it has to be when you feel ready for it. Also, the kind of help (CBT) that everyone is talking about means confronting the issues head on, which in itself is really frightening so I can understand your reluctance.
Although I have no doubt that CBT would help you enormously (I think you already know that). I believe you will take the right steps when you feel ready but meantime I do not think you are being unreasonable as you are clearly not an unreasonable person.

The issue with your dh's job is valid with or without your other issues as you said he feels as though he is missing out on the dcs.

Does he have his CV registered with some agencies? there are some fantastic ones out there - my xdh had the same problem and transferred to a job closer to home with hardly any travelling.

DG i'm so glad my post was of some use. I hope you find a way through this time. Maybe note down the most helpful ideas from here and keep them on a sheet you can refer to; sometimes threads like this, while full of good ideas, can add to the general confusion!

You know, there are similarities between phobias and addictions (which is NOT to suggest in any way that a person who suffers from either problem would be fine if they would just pull themselves together). You sometimes have to get to a pretty bad place before you actually get help, because confronting the phobia (or managing without the addiction) is so very frightening. But it can be beaten, DDG. You can get to the point where the Bad Thing is something that you're not keen on but can cope with. But until you're taken some steps towards fixing it, whatever your DH does job wise is not going to make any difference to you. Phobias and addictions, untreated, will grow. ANd you could end up wanting him to give up work altogether so that you are never alone with the possiblity of a phobic trigger.

I think you need to find other solutions to this problem.

1. You think he doesn't spend enough time with the kids.

Could he not have one day that he sets aside for the kids? It doesn't have to be the same day, but one day a week when he takes them out bike-riding, or to the cinema, or bowling? He could also do the baths when he is around, or be the one who helps with homework. Assign him a task and make him get more involved.

2. You have phobias.

You need to get professional help. Sorry I haven't read all the thread to know what you may or may not have already done. But you need to tackle this. Your phobias should not become a family problem. Only you can solve this one and if he changes his job or stays at home, your phobia will not go away. So that problem he cannot solve by his actions, only you can solve it by yours.

3. You feel under pressure by doing more of the child rearing alone.

See problem 1. But also, can you not get his family or yours to help too? Try to work out a way to take some of the pressure off yourself. Talk to your dh and see if you can't come to a solution where you get a bit more time to yourself.

Break your problems down and tackle them in this way. I really don't think you would be any happier if he changed his job as, deep down, I don't believe the issue is solely about his work, there are underlying problems you need to focus on.

Rhubarb, he has started doing something like you suggest. He and my older boys play adult strategy games and Warhammer every weekend if possible. He is good about setting aside some time in the weekend to do that and they have come to expect it, so much so that when it did not happen this w/e because of the rugby, they were disappointed.

Sometimes he sits down with dd while she paints a model or similar.

I think he only struggles with out youngest son because he is only 4 and still too little for him and dh to connect very well (dh definitely prefers the kids now they are older - I hope it does not damn him to reveal this).

We have also taken to doing more family based things like cycling and walking at the weekend. All of this is a big advance on what went before.

We are extremely isolated though. Dh's family are in Australia and my parents are getting on a bit now and anyway are about 100 miles away. The isolation accentuates my reasons for wanting him to stop travelling or travel less.

It is not that I can't make all the decisions for myself, it is that I don't want to. I signed up to a partnership and that is what I want.

I am sorry, I know the focus has gone onto my phobia, but the bottom line is, I want to have dh around more. I can't be the only one to feel this way, I am sure.

Oh and when asked, dh says he wants to be here more for me and the children.

I feel like I am being regarded as some demanding woman here. Surely all I want is what 90% of folk have all the time?

No that was my guilt coming through I guess. It is not as black and white as that.

90% of folk? No, not really, even those whose dh's spend more time at home may not get that quality time that your family get.

I have these issues being a working mum. But I know that the time I spend with the kids is now more quality time, to make up for the time I don't spend with them. And this is what your kids are getting from your dh. They are very lucky to have such a hands on dad!

Spending more time with your dh I feel is only leading you to hide from yourself. I think the real reason you want your dh around is because you can't face being alone with yourself. I really do feel that you would benefit from some counselling. You need to feel comfortable with who you are.

You are unhappy and you are projecting that unhappiness onto your dh, seeking out a cause that does not involve you. I honestly think you would be no happier if he were around more. You need to resolve your own issues.

Good luck with that.

This thread has gone off in all sorts of different directions so I don't feel too bad about contributing without answering the OP question. You mentioned that you didn't want to go back to teaching because of the pressure - have you thought about a job in training? Just a random thought - feel free to ignore if there are other factors which make it impractical.

Training what sis? I am open to ideas although when my father recently suggested teaching English to immigrants and teaching literacy/numeracy to adults, I was shocked to discover a good old fashioned teaching degree no longer cuts the mustard. Strange, in that I have taught all the above to children for so long...

You can do that without a degree. If you want to teach adults you can do a one year course.
Or you can do a TEFL which allows you to teach foreigners. But tbh you don't even need that, you have teaching experience, so advertise yourself privately or approach private establishments.

You reckon? I was going to contact local adult education providers but was put off by the mass of seemingly necessary qualifications needed. TBH, a year's course is probably not something I want to do, but I would consider something nearer a couple of months training. Even if I went back to school teaching, I would need to do a 6 week refresher course.

To teach adults in an evening class say, you just need to do a years course. That's all.

But if you went privately, it is up to them. You have the experience, which is often worth far more than qualifications.

Why not advertise your services locally?

Evenings are tricky tbh. Of course they are as dh is not here to take care of children! Hence thread!

Find out about online courses.

Sorry, being thick I know, but there are online courses to learn how to teach adults literacy and numeracy? Or do you mean other courses?

DDG, here is my view, for what it's worth. I live in a partnership where neither would be apart from the child for any length of time, i.e. 1 day. Why is this, you wonder? Quite simply because I earn the dosh whereas dh stays at home all day being chronically ill. Is this great for our child? Of course it fecking well isn't. But it's what we have.

Would I take a job that involved me being away from home, ever? No. I have a lot of latitude in that I can earn a good amount wherever I am, so I absolutely do not imagine that every parent has my choices. But, phobia aside (and you know you need to deal with it, you know it) wanting your dh to have a job where he can be around it not unreasonable. If he can find a way of having a similar job with less travel then, I'm sorry, I think he should take that option. I would take that option.