If dh is the sole breadwinner and his job makes me unhappy, do you think he should change his job and maybe jeopardise his career for my happiness?

[DumbledoresGirl]

I am in such a muddle of thoughts.

The bottom line is that I hate the fact that dh has to go away lots on business. He is away at least one night a week, often for the whole week, on rare occasions, he has been away for 2 weeks at a time.

I know this doesn't bother some people, but it bothers me a lot. It mainly bothers me because I have phobia issues (some of you know what of but I don't really want to talk about that today) but it is more than that. Dh is away so much that I feel he misses out on family life, the children are missing their father's influence, and I struggle so much to make all the decisions and provide all the input that it is necessary when raising children.

My heart's desire would be for dh to do a job that never took him away from home at night.

But, dh is the sole breadwinner. He works in management and earns what most would consider to be a very good salary (though we struggle on it! ) He can't just change jobs at the drop of the hat. The job he is doing now took about 8 months from first interview to starting. There are very few positions dh is able to fulfill. We are completely dependent on his salary.

Yet every week, I put pressure on him to find another job. Should I? I can't work out in my mind, do I have a right to mess around with his career simply because what he does right now makes me so unhappy? It sounds really indulgent and selfish of me. But I only have one shot at life and I am so unhappy with him working away so much (he claims not to like it either).

What is your opinion on this situation?

Let me tell you what happened to a friend of mine, DG.

Her husband used to work shifts on a rolling rota. This meant he was working nights, evenings and days. Every time he had a run of nights coming up, my friend would start winding herself up and up and up, convinced tyhe kids were going to do the nasty, wouldn't let them interact with anyone, wouldn't leave the house in case they caught a bug.

Then the first night he was working, she rang him and demanded him home. The second night, she would go out just before he was due to leave.

And so on - she would do anything to avoid being at home on her own with the children.

His employers were very understanding - she wasn't really, started getting strident about how if he loved her he should stay off work with her, and he shouldn't make her look after them when they were ill (note - they never actually had been ill, it had just blown up out of proportion in her head), and so on ....

Then he started getting into trouble at work. They weren't happy about losing him on the night shifts.

Then she started demanding him home in the day too, after one of the kids actually did the nasty in the middle of the day. She was terrified it would happen again. She was honestly going through Hell, I have never seen anyone so unhappy and frightened.... but his employers were not happy.

Then she decided to leave him. (she never actually did, but she told him she was going to). She was so desperate to avoid her trigger, she was going to leave her husband (who she really does love) so she wouldn't have to deal with it.

Well, he had a complete nervous breakdown. He couldn't stand the strain of being totally responsible for someone else's happiness 24/7. He has been totally signed off work, and she has had to get a job on very low pay just to make sure they keep their house. They are hopeful he will be able to go back to work sometime in 2008.

Get the help now, DumbledoresGirl, because you are saying the same sort of things she was.
I remember it really clearly - don't let this phobia ruin your life and your marriage.

I keep saying it.... hypnotherapy is fabulous for phobias... ddg,the anxiety from all those moves is probably what is driving your phobias (sorry, haven't read the whole post, its kinds long). Set yourself a very small goal (toward resolving this) each day. ie, one day have a look at therapists, next day maybe write down a few names and numbers, etc. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

There are online TEFL courses, or you can do it by post.
There may even be online teaching courses.

Bless you tribpot. Your opinion is always worth something to me.

DDG, my thoughts are with you as always xxx (and not because I have dibs on your gorgeous ds3).

Lots of good advice here DGD.

You need to get this phobia thing sorted.
Consider what you are doing to your kids?
Surely they know (and more will dawn on them) Is it 'worse' to have a mother frozen like a rabbit in a car's headlights,crippled by a psychological issue or have a father who is away a lot but sounds like a damned good dad when he is about?

As you know,my dh is away a lot (6 weeks at a time). It's hard but like a lot of people here we both agreed to it because a.) he loves his work b.) he earns a lot of money which gives us a great deal of freedom.

You need to get out of the house. I work f/t,do an MSc,run a business,do lots in the community and do sport three times a week with no help apart from a regular babysitter. Organisations is the key.

Get out of the house. From my own experience,there is nothing that saps one's confidence more thaN BEING IN THE HOUSE all day. Isn't your youngest at swchool f/t now?

Get it sorted. You have allowed yourself to be at your dh's beck and call.In our house,when dh comes home,he works around me.That is a tacit recognition of the working around him I do.

Good luck LM.

XX

EscapeFrom, your friend makes me sound positively relaxed. I was hoping you would say she had treatment for the phobia and was cured.

I am hearing you all. I am just not sure I have the strength to go anywhere with it.

You hve a choice.
Deal with it RIGHT NOW or let it drag you down and defeat you and rob you of your life (and your family of a functioning mother and wife.)

Tis a no brainer girl.

Well, DDG, that's quite normal, isn't it? No-one said "my god, if we simply posted the right information DDG would be right as rain and we could all sit around laughing about what needs to happen". No.

This is going to be, quite simply, the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, ever. You should feel free to have a couple of runs at it, most of us have literally no idea what this is like.

You don't have the strength now. That's fine. What you need to work out is what strength you need from dh, that - by naffing off constantly - you aren't getting. And then present that to him. You are entitled to support, DDG. He can't avoid that. It's just not reasonable.

Love to you xxx

dg, a lot of this sounds like you feel your life is out of control 7 perhaps you need to take some small steps to gain control & confidence? you mention finances but appear to have a good income, is this because of a huge mortgage, or is this another thing you are losing control over? could this be something you could gain more control over?even if you just cut back expenses by £5 a week, would it help you to realise that you can control what is happening in your life?

if you were a teacher you're used to being 'the boss' & it can be very difficult to change that - i know cos i am one & dh hates when i start being all teachery with him. a lot has changed in your life & slthough you & dh have worked together it sounds like you feel you're buried underneath a load of decisions that were made for the family, rather than you?

could you slao find something that is a bit of you time, where you are in control? is it possible you can do any volunteer work to help you get used to the idea of teaching? what about TA work in a school? i think you need to sort out your need to be a bit more confident in yourself & not make dh's job the golden fleece - after all it will be his decision whether to 'downsize or not. my dh always said he worked long hours cos he had to - i earn more now & he still works those hours. he is beginning to realise it's something to do with himself that pushes him. i just have to stand back & try to help (yeah, right)

hope this makes sense & doesn't sound like a lecture!

DG, lots of good messages on here.

First thing: your phobia. You are not mad and people understand. Your GP will understand and your therapist will understand. Take the steps to cure this regardless of the situation with DP's job.

Next thing to think about: DP. If he is constantly on the lookout for a better job then I don't think that any pressure you put on him is going to help either of you - he will want to avoid talking to you for fear of nagging, he will just feel more guilty for missing out on the kids and loading things onto you, and depressed because he is already looking for a job and hasn't found anyhting suitable. You have made your point and now need to accept that, yes, he may well regret it, but it is his life and he is doing what he thinks best. You can't force someone to do something just because you believe it is the right thing to do, you will only create a gap between you.

Then think about a job as a completely separate challenge. Do NOT tie it into your DP's job: don't think "if I go to work then DP can get a lower paid job locally", a job for you isn't about that at all, it is about getting yourself out of a rut and back into a life where you are your own person and can rebuild your self esteem. If it goes well and DP says "hey, shall I take a lower paid local job now you are working?" then great, but don't expect it to happen. I am totally certain that once you get yourself out and about again, DP's travels away from the home will affect you much less than they do now anyway. Someone earlier mentioned school secretary or school admin work and that sound like a pretty good place to start whilst you get your confidence back, you can think about teaching again later.

Good luck.

morning DG how are you today? HeeHee looked at your photo maaan you gotta lotta hair their girl - what shampoo are you using

have a smashing day everyone has responded well to u

Yes thank you, so many good responses to this thread. Not sure I wanted my entire life laid bare as it seems to be but I guess that will teach me for starting the thread in the first place! I am reading everything that is written but I don't want to respond to it all directly if you don't mind as I am feeling very vulnerable.

I am thinking about doing something about the phobia. I have already been to the GP about it and got nowhere so I am trying to think how I could go back on a different tack and get a better result.

I know you have all got down the phobia, work for me, self esteem, etc route, but the bottom line is still, irrespective of these other issues, that I would like to see my dh every night, and he knows that and is not adverse to it either so I still want to use some of my energies to make that come about.

gone down

Fantastic DG - just wanted to say well done for thinking about doing something about your phobia - that is a huge step and the first one is the hardest

Meant to say - can you see a different GP at your surgery?
If it is hard to talk about, print off one of your old threads on the subject and take it in so you can 'say' what you need to without getting upset and forgetting any bits. Good luck

Well, at our surgery it is actually very hard to see the same GP. When you ring up, you are just given an appt with anyone and if you ask to see a specific person, you can go away empty handed. It is hopeless really. But, despite what I implied in my last post about the GP not offering me anything useful, I would actually be quite keen to see him again because he was sympathetic and took me seriously (I have had experience of a GP who was did not understand where I was coming from and that was extremely distressing for me).

What I really want to do is ask to speak to the GP in the surgery with the best experience of dealing with phobias, but when I asked the receptionist who this would be last time I approached the surgery, I was told they were all general practitioners and all equally experienced in all fields of general practice. Which I a) don't believe and
b) didn't find helpful at all.

DDG, the receptionist is talking utter bollocks. Apart from anything else, there is now the concept of GPSI (GPs with Special Interest). Obviously there may not be one at the practice who has a formal SI in phobias but you never know.

I think I would be tempted to write to the practice manager and explain the situation. Either that or approach your hv I guess? (ds3 still young enough to be technically within an hv's remit?)

Dumbledoresgirl - one of my former landlords used to be a psychiatrist specialised in the treatment of phobias. He treated people with arachnophobia, people petrified by exams etc.

There is help out there.

DG - have only just managed to come back to this thread. Been having coffee and cake as it is my birthday.

There is no practical advice I can offer. If both you and your dh want the work issue to change, then you need to both take positive steps to make that happen. It won't change overnight, but at least you know it is in the pipeline!

Re your phobia - You need to see the gp to be referred. Or can you go priviately? A friend of mine treats everything holistically. Is that an option worth trying? Well done for thinking about seeing someone, that is the first step.

Other than that, all I can offer you is sympathy and more cake!

Hi DDG

Have been thinking about you overnight... and wondering (being as you are the same age as me ) whether you are sort of feeling like you are at a crossroads in your life?

Your youngest has started school I think? and your eldest has started secondary. Maybe somewhere inside you are feeling that your role is changing as they are growing up. You now have enough free time in the day to stop being "just Mummy" for a few hours and do something different. Some women deal with this by having another baby, sometimes partly to avoid having to make any changes in their lives...

Well done for taking the first step along a new path!

WRT to DG's post of Mon 10-Sep-07 17:33:56, if your dh already wants to change jobs, then IMO it's perfectly reasonable to insist that he looks for a job that has minimal travel involved. Unless of course he is in the travel industry, or similar, in which case he might need to change career - which might be an unreasonable demand.

Of course the phobia needs to be addressed. But you don't need to cure it before you can do anything else. You just need to start along that way, you need to show yourself that a change is possible and that you are strong enough to continue making the change. Even a tiny change will change your perspective on life completely, and you may be able to look at other problems quite differently.

Hippipotami, happy birthday! Thanks for the cake, got any more going as that was delicious and I am a pig!

KTeePee, I won't be having another baby, that is for sure! though I can see how women would do that at this time in their lives (ie last one off to school). I think the relevance of my age is there though. With ds1 going off to secondary and ds3 to primary, there has been a definite emphasis in our house lately on how time is moving on. I have endured this way of life (re dh's travel) for 7 years and I really don't like living like this (neither does he, those of you who think I am trying to change dh to suit my own needs, though without my influence, I daresay dh would grin and bear it). I feel that time is running out for us - sounds dramatic I know but explains my "I only have one shot at life" comment in my OP.

I know this is a cop out but if dh could be home each night, I could actually live with the phobia. I have had it for pretty much all my 42 years, so this is not something that is going to disappear with a few sessions of therapy. If I could just reduce it to the level it was at before I had children, I would be content.

Is he actively looking DG? My dh did need a bit of a kick up the backside to actually do anything when he started moaning about his last job. Once he started looking properly he found one reasonably quickly. Has he "put the word out"? Would that be a problem in his current position.

And has he thought about how much travel he is prepared to accept? None whatsoever? Or maybe long days (which is what DH tends to do once a week)?

He is signed up to dozens of agencies, receives loads of emails from them, and occasionally they ring him with a job but the sort of level he would be looking at does not come up frequently. The other day he was saying if his present company would just make him a director he would be better able to find something new - not sure how that would work.

I would say he is far from actively looking, but he certainly has some contacts.