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Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 24/04/2020 14:12

That's brilliant - I remember reading your thread back in Feb and so pleased to see you've managed to get to where you are now. You're over the hardest part now, everything will be easier from here on.

YogaFaker · 24/04/2020 14:42

Good luck OP - they really are playing this absolutely by the book.

Which is very tough for you, but also good for you, because if your arsehole non-collegial 'colleague' is chucked out, or disciplined, it will be as water tight as possible.

Flowers
ChateauMargaux · 24/04/2020 15:27

Well done for going through with this. Hope the sertraline helps.

Sally872 · 24/04/2020 19:43

Glad to hear interview went ok. Well done. Flowers

pickingdaisies · 24/04/2020 23:06

DaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/04/2020 07:45
Flowers
tribpot · 25/04/2020 07:56

You're a hero, Twentypasttwelve. I cannot imagine how difficult that interview must have been. I'm very pleased to hear that the investigator made you feel as comfortable as possible.

I would expect some kind of 'adrenaline crash' now the interview is done, so don't be (too) alarmed if you suddenly feel very tired or weepy.

Take care, you've done so well.

Brenna24 · 25/04/2020 08:21

I have only just seen this. Well done, you have been so strong and dignified. As others have said this is all his fault and decisions.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 25/04/2020 11:39

Thank you everyone.

I've been feeling so low and my anxiety is through the roof. I barely slept last night and I just have this constant sense of dread. It's so horrible. My husband is talking me through my anxieties and that helps. He's so supportive, and your messages have also made me feel better. I hope the sertraline kicks in soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 25/04/2020 11:41

I just can't stop thinking about how many women have gone through similar and are also suffering. I despair at how many men are capable of this, how many of them get away with it, and I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 26/04/2020 08:47

It's natural to start thinking more widely, but you can't fix the whole world. Easier said than done, but try to be kind to yourself right now, you've been through such a stressful time, and like app said, you're going through a reaction now the interview is done. Let your lovely husband look after you for a while Flowers

ScapaFlo · 12/05/2020 11:05

I've just read the thread from start to finish having put it in my watch list to read, and I wanted to say how very brave you've been and I hope things are on their way to being resolved. Did anything come of the WA admin job? Hope you're well Thanks

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/05/2020 19:17

Hello all

Thought I'd come back to update. The investigation is ongoing. My witnesses have been interviewed and the perpetrator was told about it yesterday. It'll be around another 3 weeks from now before a decision is made... They need to interview him and interview any witnesses he may have.

When I found out he'd been told... I felt sick to my stomach. Its the strangest thing, I almost felt sorry for him. His life is about to be ruined... Now logically I know it's his fault. So why do I feel like this? It's like I don't hate him personally... I just hate what he did to me. I feel quite numb towards him. I keep thinking how he will lose his job and his flat. His girlfriend left him recently (I suspect he was very abusive), he has no friends and his family have disowned him. I keep thinking he will either kill himself or kill me.

The sertraline has kicked in and has dulled the anxiety... A bit. It's still rampant. And some days I just lie in bed crying. I wake up crying. It's pretty grim. But my husband is still looking after me. I'm probably drinking too much... Which I know doesn't help... In many ways... But I'm doing it anyway. I started smoking again, after 4 years off them... Haven't bought any in a week and don't intend to... Just sometimes I feel like I am unravelling.

Thank you scapaflo, thank you all

I just can't wait for this to all be over...

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/05/2020 19:19

Scapaflo... The job was put on hold because of the coronavirus. But since then I have decided that now is not the right time to move jobs... Especially to one in the charity sector. The job I have now is perfect hours, greta pay, is secure. That's why I decided to report him... I need this job.

OP posts:
SlightyJaded · 13/05/2020 19:34

OP I have been following your thread from the beginning and just wanted to say that you have been extraordinarily brave and very candid about the rollercoaster of emotions that this is throwing up.

I understand the sympathy thing. That is because you are a human with empathy, and perhaps in the future Work Rapist can get help for his anger and hatred towards women - that's up to him. Right now, you deserve to go to work without having to deal with your rapist on a daily basis.

As an aside, this thread may be very valuable in the future to someone who is debating whether to report or not. Your honesty and account of things is something I would point someone to for sure. Keep on keeping on OP, we are all rooting for you.

Hottubbinhenrietta · 13/05/2020 19:35

Well done op xx

Windyatthebeach · 13/05/2020 19:48

Stay strong op. You deserve your lovely dh and your great job! Sounds like you have greats support. It will make all the difference. Never waiver and worry about him... He has made his bed. Maybe more women will come forward. About him or others after learning about your strength.
Keep focused.
You are doing great.

ScapaFlo · 13/05/2020 22:35

Happy and sad to read your update, but you are doing the right thing for you and bollocks to him. I bet he didn't worry about you. But it shows you in a good light that you have compassion for a flawed human being.

Stay strong, hug your DH. And drink gin if you need to, these are strange times Gin

bombaychef · 13/05/2020 23:32

I'm a rape victim. Or was. I had to report to stop it happening to others. 15 years on it's just a memory but one that changed my life in many ways. In my case he got caught

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 14/05/2020 12:44

SlightlyJaded... If I have helped even one woman because of this thread, then I am happy. I was going to ask to have it taken down eventually but I don't think I will now. I haven't read it back from the beginning yet, but I will once this has come to a conclusion. They tell me 1st week of June. Which seems like an age away...

Windyatthebeach I hope my story will inspire other women to come forward, if that's what they want to do.

Scapaflo Gin

Bombaychef Flowers

OP posts:
ScapaFlo · 14/05/2020 13:01

It would be lovely if you felt you could come back and update us in early June, but only if you want to. It does seem everyone here is on your side Smile

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 14/05/2020 13:12

100% I will come back to let you all know the outcome. This thread has been a lifeline for me and I am so so grateful for every single person who has taken the time to post. I will absolutely come back to update. Hopefully it will go smoothly and in my favour. And then I can get on with healing x

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 17/05/2020 21:15

Sending my best wishes, you are honest and brave. You can do this.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 22/05/2020 11:18

Hello everyone

I feel like I'm having an out of body experience and can't quite get my head around the latest phone call I just had with HR.

They tell me the investigation is over and that they found I have a case to answer. Work Rapist will now have a series of meetings over the next 2 weeks (apparently it's taking so long because the head of college is on annual leave), I assume to sort out an exit strategy?? HR told me they would be in touch when I am able to return to work.

I take this to mean I was believed, and that they will be getting rid of him by whatever means they decide upon between themselves?

I think this means I am allowed to let some light in at the end of the tunnel... Someone please help me quantify this. My husband is at work so can't talk to him.

HR guy said the case is closed. Honestly I am having an out of body experience here. What's happening x

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 22/05/2020 12:03

I called HR back as I was so confused.

He confirmed that the investigation is over in that the report made by the external investigator has been believed, and as such there is a case to answer.

Now starts the disciplinary process, which will end with a hearing. At this point a decision will be made about what is to be done with WR. HR guy couldn't tell me what the possible outcomes would be but suffice to say it'll either mean he leaves the company or doesn't leave the company.

I'm glad the investigation part is now over. I can see light at the end of that dark tunnel now...

OP posts:
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