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Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
hardyloveit · 18/04/2020 18:36

No advice op but just wanted to say I've been there (it was a stranger not someone I knew) and you are so bloody brave and strong! To have to face that pos at work - your strength amazes me. Keep going and if you don't want to tell the police you don't have to, it's a hard road to go down but I'm glad you are getting support from work and from your family. Thanks

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 18/04/2020 18:41

Bloody well done Flowers

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 20:48

Thanks so much for all your advice. I will be reading everything again, and will formulate my response for next week. I do feel more in control of thing now, a bit. So thanks all. X

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/04/2020 03:06

Hi OP... just want to put it out there that while you are going through all of this, please don’t carry the burden for everyone else as well. That’s not fair. Carrying what has been done to you is more than enough for one person to deal with. Yes, he may have done this before. Yes, he could re-offend. This isn’t your problem and you must not feel responsible for any of this - it’s all on HIM. He is the predator, not you. Do this for yourself. It will be empowering and liberating if he is punished.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 19/04/2020 03:22

Exactly what I needed to read, justilou1, in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Thank you thank you thank you x

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/04/2020 04:23

You’re welcome @Twenty! You’ve got us behind you, but don’t think you’re carrying us. We’ve got you!!! XXX

MummytoCSJH · 19/04/2020 05:04

Sorry I haven't replied here before as I never knew quite what to say but I've been following your thread from the start. As someone who was also raped (a long time ago now), I can tell that you're strong and I'm so happy you have support from your husband and colleagues, it's great to read. I second what others have said about it not being your burden to prevent this from happening again - it is him who needs to not rape anyone again. This is all on him and never on you. Remember that when you are writing your statement/answering questions. Take care of yourself and I am proud of you x

ChateauMargaux · 19/04/2020 08:21

Well said @justilou1.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 19/04/2020 13:49

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 19/04/2020 14:42

FlowersFlowersFlowers

TopShelf · 19/04/2020 19:47

I'd firstly have a word with Acas, op.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 20/04/2020 17:59

TopShelf I will try them tomorrow.

My manager has said they want to hire an external investigator in the next week. That they will interview me and then ask the perpetrator for his side of the story. Witnesses will be asked, and the investigation will then be handed to management to make their decision.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 21/04/2020 13:38

Hi @Twentypasttwelve... Just wanted to check in on you and ask how YOU are feelin outside of all of this? (Is there an outside?)
Are you okay?

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 21/04/2020 18:11

Hiya

Thanks for checking in on me. I had a conversation with HR today, it was exhausting but most of my questions were answered. I don't feel any better about it of course, but I am fighting fit. My husband as ever is my rock.

I am preparing a statement for a video call with the external investigator next week. They said my husband can sit in with me too which is good. They want to get the ball rolling ASAP. Obviously I am shitting it, and I slept not a wink last night, but the way I see it this is the final few hurdles before I can get my life back on track.

My lovely husband has run me a bath (this cures all) and I'm feeling a bit better.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 21/04/2020 19:41

You and your husband are amazing. We will be thinking of you next week.

captainpantbeard · 21/04/2020 22:15

Good luck op! Totally rooting for you.

justilou1 · 22/04/2020 09:39

Well... I am very impressed with you and your fabulous DH! You both deserve enormous respect! (Bowing and doffing cap to you both!) Knowing you are there for each other is the battle won!

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 22/04/2020 13:54

Thanks all. Not sure what if do without my husband. I'm feeling pretty low today. I think I might start the sertaline the doc prescribed me. I've been too scared to take them, but maybe they will stop me from spiralling into a depression. Everything seems so raw and real and I just feel sad and and anxious.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 22/04/2020 16:11

I can totally understand that. You should also look at supplementing magnesium (magnesium 365 from amazon..) as stress depletes magnesium significantly and can also help for depression.

mulberrybag · 22/04/2020 16:28

You are doing incredibly. I have this same horror hanging over me from years past. I wish more than anything that I'd had Mumsnet all those years ago to gather strength and support to report my attacker in the way that you are doing. You are so incredibly strong, you have your husband and all of us behind you wishing you courage. Take each day as it comes and remember above all that none of this was your fault x

ChateauMargaux · 22/04/2020 21:14

@mulberrybag .. I hope you find a way to bring your trauma to the light (even by just talking about it yourself) so that it can take up less space in the dark recesses of your mind where it causes most pain. You know you owe it to none to report this too. You will find the support you need too to lesson the burden of this on you. Flowers

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 22/04/2020 22:15

Will look into magnesium, thank you.

Mulberry Flowers I have to agree, Mumsnet has been a lifeline for me. In more ways than one. I hope we can both find peace one day. X

OP posts:
justilou1 · 22/04/2020 23:23

Can also highly recommend magnesium. Just don’t overdo it, as it can cause diarrhea. (It’s one of the ingredients in Epsom salts which people take for constipation.) Just take the recommended dose.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 24/04/2020 14:00

Just a little update for anyone who is interested... I had my interview with the investigator today. It was really tough but she was very professional and made me feel as comfortable as she could.

She's going to try and get the report back to management in the next 2 weeks. Hopefully in 3 weeks this nightmare will be over. I'm full of dread and anxiety. I started taking sertaline today so hopefully that will help.

OP posts:
puds11 · 24/04/2020 14:09

Well done OP. You are incredibly brave Flowers