in defence of working mothers

[edam]

I've been shocked by a couple of threads recently where people have been vitriolic about working mothers. All the usual, lazy, stupid comments about 'why have children if you aren't going to bring them up yourself' etc. etc.
And you know what? It makes me very angry. I have to work to feed my son and keep a roof over his head. Anyone lucky enough to be in a position where they don't have to do that should be damn grateful, not smug and superior.
I really need my sleep after a tough couple of days at work but I'm so incensed about this I'm on here instead.

agree with Edam.

Can some please try to explain Critic's comment: "I wouldnt have a pet, let alone a child if I couldnt look after it for more than an hour a day."

Anyone seen the new media request: looking for working mums ?

SCK perhaps 'Critic' herself would like to come and explain that comment. She was presumably a regular who changed her name.

who's Critic and where's that comment?

Oh actually just ignore it, it's put there to try and inflame things. Ignore comments like that or we'll end up with another thread being deleted which would be ashame. It's a silly childish thing to say and I won't / can't believe it';s the tru opinion of a real Mumsnetter.

This is a positive thread about MWWOOTH (no it's not catching Soupie!!!) Let's keep it that way and ignore inflamatory fake posts like that of 'critic', okay, nuff said.

I really struggle with the fact that I work outside the home. For financial reasons, I do have to work full time, my main conflict comes from the fact that the job I choose to do requires me to work anti-social hours. There are lots of similar jobs that I could do with better hours, but this is what I want to do.

Sometimes I get frustrated when people make comments asking how I can stand to put my dd in nursery, and how I can stand to spend my weekends away from her etc. My life is not just about my daughter, she is so important to me but I NEED to do others things.

I think we have come a long way, but we still have a way to go. It seems to be assumed that we can work flexi time, or go part time and sadly in the real world it doesn't happen. I am not being selfish in working 12hr shifts its what my job requires.

Oh this is so long, sorry!

I think I need to confess something. Lots of people have suggested dh should give up work to look after ds. I cannot stand that idea! Would mean I'd be working full time but still scrimping and saving to get by, not seeing my baby much AND resenting dh for getting to spend lots of time with ds and (this is shameful but it is how I feel about this despite all the theory) not being a real man and making a living.
Doesn't make me a very nice person, I guess, but I'd resent dh even more than I do now. I imagine if I earned enough for us to live comfortably on my salary alone, I might feel differently. But probably not. I guess, at heart, I feel like motherhood - primary carer and all that - is MY job. And while I'm prepared to pay nursery an extortionate amount of money to cover me, I can't stand the idea of paying dh to do the same job.
Gosh, this thread has turned into an Edam confesses all special, rather than a positive thread in support of all mothers who work outside the home, which is what I was planning. Sorry about that.

Edam, I work full time at the moment and there is a possibility that I may be able to work part-time from home from Jan 2005 and my husband is also a bit concerned that he will be really jealous as I will be able to drop off and pick up our son from school and spend a lot more time with him than my husband will.

I was brought up to believe that modern women could have choices. I took the choice to be a MWWOTH rather than a SAHM because quite frankly I just don't think I could hack it as a SAHM and I respect anyone who can. We would have had to make some financial sacrifices for me to be a SAHM, but once you've paid childcare (for two), run a car and bought suitsfor work, we wouldn't be looking at a great difference. However, we would have had to have made a lot of other sacrifices - mainly my sanity, I think. I have sooooo much respect for SAHMs cos it's not something I could do. And I would hope that the majority of SAHMs respect my choice too. We all have twinges of guilt about whether we've made the right choices, but isn't that because of how much we love our children and a part of parenting you can't avoid?

Totally agree Fisil - well put. Sums me up too. I could probably be a SAHM for a short time but ultimately I think it would send me loopy . That doesn't make me a bad mother.

you can just use "working mothers" we all know what you mean. I was being pedantic

edam, snap, snap, snap - i could have written that post. so i'm not a nice person either.

fisil - very well put.

Edam you don't have to confess anything. It's perfectly OK. After all, we are talking about our needs here as well as our children's needs. I have a need for a certain amount of time with my son, otherwise I feel stressed and anxious. I am very, very happy my husband can be around to share the load, but me working f/t and my husband being a fulltime parent to our kids? No way. It would make me totally miserable, and I don't think he'd love it either.

yes but aloha, there have been a couple of threads on MN in the past saying along the lines of "my dh won't let me give up work" or something like that. guess how the replies come out.

what i mean is, it seems to be ok to say "booo!" to dads who won't "let" their partners give up work. so that's why i (and presumably edam?) feel like a bad person because i wouldn't "let" dh give up work. no way.

Edam and other MWWOTH (is that right?),

I just wanted to say that I started the thread the other day about SAHM's but I'd like to just clarify that I started it for no other reason than nosiness - just to find out how many on here were SAHM's and why and how they find it.

I'm a SAHM but work too (freelance for old employer and I do this in the evenings or when the kids are napping and in the weekends) and it's just that among my circle of friends (say 10 of us), I'm the only one that stays at home full time - the others work, at least 3 days a week.

I know the thread got a bit heated but just wanted to say this was not my intention and that I personally don't judge anyone for the decisions they make - everyone does what is right for them and their family. I didn't mean to offend anyone by starting the thread - as I say, just being nosey!

You have every right to start a thread about SAHM's babe, if it got heated, well that's not your fault, don't worry about it.

Thanks TC - quite new to the site and don't want to offend anyone. I'm just interested in what everyone has to say.

Ahh bless you. I love mumsnet, it's great but I don't get in too deep and don't get into argumants. When I first started I did, someone said something about children with Down's syndriome being a burden to society and I was so fuming, couldn't think of anything else but having it out with her etc, now I just think 'whatever' and 'walk' away. I did in and out and get a lot out of MN without letting getting involved in some of the politics, well as much as poss.
Don't feel bad about SAHM thread you haven't done anything wrong and have every right to ask, or 'be nosey' about anything you want. You can't be responsible for other peoples comments.

BTW I'm the only mum I know in my circle that works as many days as I do.

SQ, well personally...(ducks for cover)....I can see why men can feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being the sole breadwinner. I often think that maybe we should talk in terms of a couple's choice, or a family's choice rather than always in terms of a woman's choice. My husband knows that I don't want to work fulltime for reasons of my own need to be around more for my son (I'm not even talking about his needs here, just mine). My husband also has needs for a job that stimulates and interests him rather than just rakes in cash, and he also wants to take part in parenting during the week, not just at weekends, and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. One of the reasons his ex left was because he refused to change jobs (to become a barrister/solicitor) so she could give up work. Yes, I do dream of a huge amount of money suddenly coming our way so I can decide whether or not to work that week/month on a whim. But even if my husband wanted to give up work to be the fulltime carer for our son (which he doesn't) I wouldn't 'let' him, because I would be unhappy and feel excluded. He doesn't want that for me. Instead we try to share, as I think you do. This is not a criticism of how other people choose to order their family life, but just saying I think my position is at least consistent.

Edam, it's very interesting what you say, and I think you are right to go with your instincts. I'm absolutely certain one of the reasons for the breakdown of my relationship with my xp, was the fact that I was going out to work full time, not seeing enough of my DS and resenting the fact that he was with him and spending time with him and leaving the whole burden of financial support to me. And also worrying that he wasn't doing it as well as I would, given the choice. (A worry that turned out to be quite justified, in the event!)

But SQ, it is usually OK to say Boo to men who won't let their wives give up work, because quite often, the men in question are putting material things before the needs of the family. I think women not wanting men to do it is more complex than that - it's about the fear of having their role usurped, having less respect for the men because of it, etc. etc. In my case as well, with hindsight I realise that I was uneasy about xp's capability to do it properly, and about how a court would see it if we split. (At the back of my mind, I probably knew that the relationship was in trouble, and was scared that if we split, I would lose my child. That's not a worry that most men have, I don't think) I'm too tired to think properly about it now, but I think there are different reasons for men and women not wanting each other to be the primary carer.

I job share, and know I'm lucky. I'm kind of on the fence. Being controversial, (and running for cover!), unless you need to financially, I can't really see the point of having kids then putting them in full time day care from 3 months or whatever. A couple of hours in the evening when they're tired and grumpy and the weekends? Mmm..really, why bother having them? BUT, on the other hand, do you tell your daughter not to bother with school and uni because she'll be giving up her career to stay at home with any kids she might have? Sorry if I've offended anyone there.

Skate, please don't worry, this thread was in no way intended as a dig at SAHMs (and you are just as entitled as anyone else on here to start whatever thread you like). Was thinking of some posts on another thread entirely.

Millipede, that's exactly the sort of comment I HATE. Lazy, stupid remark about 'why bother having kids if you aren't going to bring them up yourself'. It is deeply offensive. Imagine someone telling you you should never have had your children.

Instead of attacking people who try very hard to make the right decisions for their families (hmm, shall I pay the mortgage this month or not? maybe if the house got repossessed millipede would get off my case) you should be very grateful you are able to make your choices.

And I do know what it is like to have your house repossessed and it is not an experience I want any child of mine to have. Thank your lucky stars it's never happened to you. (My mother was made redundant, had surgery that went wrong and left her ill and unable to work for a year while my father was defaulting on the pitiful amount of maintenance he was supposed to pay her. That's another reason I don't ever want to be financially dependant on a man, lovely as dh is.).