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Original poster

in defence of working mothers

184 replies

edam · 29/09/2004 23:43

I've been shocked by a couple of threads recently where people have been vitriolic about working mothers. All the usual, lazy, stupid comments about 'why have children if you aren't going to bring them up yourself' etc. etc.
And you know what? It makes me very angry. I have to work to feed my son and keep a roof over his head. Anyone lucky enough to be in a position where they don't have to do that should be damn grateful, not smug and superior.
I really need my sleep after a tough couple of days at work but I'm so incensed about this I'm on here instead.

OP posts:
woodstock · 30/09/2004 10:40

Good point PPH! I've always said that it must be nice to be able to have such black and white views on the world as it would seem to be so much easier than taking into consideration what it's really like. Life is complicated and messy and what's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another and even that can change with what is going in their lives - sometimes faster than one can imagine.

I work for a number of reasons. We do need the extra income, but also I'm not that great at staying home full-time with ds. I do well for a day or two and really enjoy it, but then I'm ready for a "mommy-break" and look forward to heading back to the office! I used to think that made me a bad mum but now I know that I was just paying too much attention to other people blathering on about their extremist views. Now I try harder to tune that out and remain confident that I am doing the right thing for my family no matter what may work for someone else.

One thing that has been very helpful to me since having ds is that I actually appreciate my job more. I had always felt that I somehow missed my true calling and never felt really fulfilled in my occupation. But now, since it does allow me to work 3 - 4 days a week I feel that maybe I did choose the right profession after all, I just didn't realize why at the time!
Rather ironic.

Marina · 30/09/2004 10:42

Edam, I am struggling too at present, for similar reasons, I relate to every word of your post. My closest friend is a SAHM and we compare detailed notes on the pros and cons of each way of life and conclude that at all times without warning being a parent can veer from fabulous to soul-destroying and back again. Glad so many of us agree that militant minorities do not represent the hardworking majority of mums in their various paid/unpaid permutations

Heathcliffscathy · 30/09/2004 10:49

great post pph. i've decided to defer going back to college a year and be sahm until then...and the decision nearly killed me and i feel v priveledged to be able to stay at home, but wish in a way that i was out there earning money...

it's such a horrible decision to make, and that's if you have a choice let alone when you don't...

i do wish that people would acknowledge that being a sahm is at least as hard as having a full time job. ime anyway, it's harder than any job i've ever had...

woodstock · 30/09/2004 11:24

Absolutely sophable. I have said more than once that I go to work to rest up!

sck · 30/09/2004 11:31

"...at least as hard as having a full time job"? Perhaps, but only if you look specifically at the full time job. The issue here is the life of SAHM vs. working mum. And, when working mum gets home, she's still a mum. Personally, I think the job of SAHM is harder than the job of working DAD. But, working mums have two jobs. Granted both jobs aren't full time, but they most certainly add up to 24 hours a day... and I suppose this post is unfair to dad who do their fair share... but I think a lot don't.

serenequeen · 30/09/2004 11:31

sophable, do you think that comments about which is harder being an SAHM or WM are really in the spirit of this thread?

bonniej · 30/09/2004 11:34

I feel I get judged for being a SAHM. Work colleagues have said my dd will become clingy and are of the opinion I should be working (I returned after mat leave but left in Feb). We can't really afford for me to be a SAHM and I do feel isolated a lot of the time although I am making an effort to get out and do things with dd. I think I will have to return to work on a part time basis soon but would have to find hours to fit round dh as we don't have any one to have dd and are scared of childcare. I don't know if a job like this exists! I think it's right what everyone else has said, you can't do right for doing wrong. Every one is in a different situation and you have to do what's right for you and your family. Who cares what others think anyway?

MeanBean · 30/09/2004 11:38

I don't see what's wrong with saying "at least as hard". Sophable didn't say "harder". And having two jobs is not necessarily worse than having one relentless hard job.

I hope we're not going to have a pointless argument about whether being a SAHM or working in the cash economy is harder. It could become like the Yorkshiremen sketch ... "my life is harder because..." Can we all please just accept that everybody's life is different, some are harder than others, and what one person would find unbearable would be someone else's ambition to achieve.

Speaking as someone whose life, work and childcare is perfect!

sck · 30/09/2004 11:39

bonniej, have you thought about being a chilminder. I used to pay mine £5/hour in cash... pretty good deal for her when she has 3 or 4 kids. That's £15/hour tax free. And you don't have to put your own child in someone else's care.

Just a thought. Hope it helps.

MeanBean · 30/09/2004 11:39

Sorry Bonnie, posts crossed. Agree

bonniej · 30/09/2004 11:40

sck, thanks for the idea! That's something I hadn't really given much thought to. Might be worth considering

sck · 30/09/2004 11:42

I think that "at least as hard" says could be harder but it's not easier. And I think that is making a statement about one being harder than the other.

Perhaps, we all just say both are hard.

PS My life is more perfect than yours.

sck · 30/09/2004 11:57

For information on becoming a \link{http://www.ncma.org.uk/chilminder}

sck · 30/09/2004 12:07

I hate when that happens... chilminder

SoupDragon · 30/09/2004 12:16

Yes, being a SAHM is at least as hard as being a mother who works outside of the home and being a mother who works outside of the home is at least as hard as being a SAHM. The life of a SAHM is not all coffee and cake and that of a MWWOOTH is not all adult conversation and childfree time.

Yes, there have been threads that are vitriolic about MWWOOTH just as there have been threads implying SAHMs sit around eating cake and drinking coffee. The grass is always greener on the other side...

sck · 30/09/2004 12:49

What is MWWOOTH?

And, I think what you say is a fair assesment. They are both hard work.

If only we could order our kids with a 24 hour maintanance and support contract.

Personally, I want to go liev on a planet where Women make all the money, and men do all the grunt work.

I hope I didn't offend anyone...

Original poster
edam · 30/09/2004 12:50

SD, recently the threads have definitely been very aggressive about MWWOTH.

OP posts:
puddle · 30/09/2004 13:19

Edam I'm fairly new here and have also found some of the comments re: working mothers very hard to stomach. I tend to agree tho with whoever said that people who make such comments being insecure in their own choices. I have wrestled with my choice to work for over four years and it certainly doesn't get any easier as children get older - my son started school ths year and I have been running arund like a headless chicken trying to meet my work commitments whilst still being there for him at such an important time in his life. To then read thoughtless and ignorant comments like the ones you mention make me angry too.

Heathcliffscathy · 30/09/2004 13:33

i tried to word my post carefully, but evidently not carefully enough...

basically if you're a mum of working or stay at home kind, you need a 'wife'...and we don't have one do we? so it's hard either way, which is what i tried to say in the first place.

twogorgeousboys · 30/09/2004 13:44

Sophable, your post WAS carefully worded.

It's not your fault if people misinterpret what you have written.

Thomcat · 30/09/2004 13:48

I'm proud to be a working mother.
Have no problem with it, not should anyone else.
thinks it's a bloody shame anyone would feel they have to defend theirselves at being a working mum.

I'm happy being a working mum, love my life.
My daugher who is thriving doesn't seem to mind one jot and loves being left with my mum, and lastly muy mum doesn't mind being left with her grand-daughter while I work, in fact she loves it!

it works for me, works for us. Don't give a stuff if anyone thinks 'you should be at home really, TC, looking after your DD, you decided to have her, you should be at home with her every day' - to that comment i would say ' mind your own and get out of the dark ages, why should I be at home every day? who says?

Basically, not that my decision needs to be defended, and I know I don't have to defend myself to you girls, but incase you're interested in my position - I'm happy, she's happy, everyone involved is happy and for the forseeable future I'm not changing that. Being a mum who isn't tied to her child 24/7 personally makes ME a better mum, when I am with her I can't get enough of her and it's all good, all fun. If I take a week off work to be with her I end up feeling trapped and unhappy, miserable, iritable etc.

I like being Lotties mum, love it, but I also like being TC.

That's my PERSONAL opinion, of my PERSONAL situation.

I may well end up being a SAHM in the future, but for now I work and I'm totally happy with the way my life is.

motherinferior · 30/09/2004 13:55

Well said, TC. Much better put than me, but pretty well how I feel!

Thomcat · 30/09/2004 13:58

Cheers MI, xx
have a good day at work and enjoy that journey home looking foreward to seeing your kids again!

yingers74 · 30/09/2004 14:03

I'm with the soupdragon on this one

yingers74 · 30/09/2004 14:03

PEACE