My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

I could get DP to have a word or just act a bit intimidating I suppose maybe that would make him think twice.

No - I wouldn't do this. (it was me that suggested your DP meet you once or twice, just so CreepyFucker knows you have a supportive partner - I wouldn't actively involve him more than this)

It's not just that it looks unprofessional, it's more that, as others have said, it could turn into a tit-for-tat situation, or worse, escalate into aggression (verbal or physical. That's the last thing you want.

Keep it "in work" - repost, escalate to HR/ union, insist it's taken seriously.

Op are you only verbally telling your manager? If yes you need a paper trail and fast. Itemise everything from as far back as you can remember up to last night, all in a formal email cc to HR and request they action to keep you safe. Your manager sounds like they will keep fobbing you off as they know they can deny any verbal conversations you have had. Was the initial "chat" where she warned him even documented? This must become official ASAP!

Gosh OP, please do as recommended and escalate the fuck out of this. Regardless of this man’s ‘reasons’ this behaviour is flat-out abusive.

Keep a diary of incidents (fill in all the past ones too).

Talk to your union (the professional advisers who work for them, not your workplace rep) to seek advice on how a complaint process should work, what steps should be taken, what evidence will be needed.

Tell your manager you want to make a formal complaint.

Use strong but accurate words, like harrassment, bullying and stalking, that should prompt a response.

As part of your diary, record your previous meetings with your manager, what you said, her responses. This may become relevant if your complaint goes further.

Rather than just reporting to your manager, have you thought about what you want from them? And then asked for it?

Next time you go to complain, say something like "I have been reporting incidents now for x months and I think this is serious enough now that he needs to be moved. (If that's the outcome you want). What do you need from me to enable that to happen?"

Don't ask what she can do, that gives her an easy out. Offer valid o escalate to her manager if that will "mean she has the support she needs to deal with the situation".

This man can be moved, but your manager may not have the authority to make it happen. But any escalation needs to be done in a way that she doesn't feel like your going behind her back.

Agree you need to formally report all these incidents. Bullet points and written record
But I think you also need to stop accepting it's a joke. Tell him you don't like being surprised and please to stop doing it. While you're joking along he feels justified in continuing and increasing "jokes" even. Let him know that it's not funny to you. And you want him to stop.
If your manager says "hes just a bit creepy" that's unacceptable. You're working alone in an area which is unlit at points with a creepy man who thinks its amusing to jump out at you, and tried to get into the bathroom while he thought you were in there. She should be doing something to protect you. Again- dont laugh it off with her. It's not funny. She needs to do something about his behaviour.
Sorry this is happening OP. Sounds like you otherwise like your job. Make sure you are not penalised for his behaviour- you shouldn't have to move

Planning on jumping out on you at night in a darkened corridor is not OK! Focus on that during your conversation with your manager as surely even she can see that's not on?

This isn't just harrassment. It's bordering on stalking - actually scrub that; it sounds pretty much like full-blown stalking to me.

Obsessive behaviour of this kind is always worrying. The PPs advising you to escalate this are right: please do it.

On a related note, I am sick and beyond weary of reading about women suffering in this way at the hands of men. This needs to stop - somehow. I hope you receive the help and support you need, OP, to get this abusive harrasser off your back once and for all.

@housinghelp101

I know this gets trotted out on MN every time, but is there any chance he could be on the spectrum? My ds sounds exactly like this man, he is a real stickler for rules, would think if you weren't on your 'half' at your start time that you were slacking, looking at phone is a non work related activity, he would feel the need to pull you up on that and the unlit corridor thing would not even enter his mind as being inappropriate, he would see this as him doing the right thing. Not to excuse him, but he sounds like he has very poor boundaries and social etiquette rather than being dangerous.

I don't know how old your DS is but he desperately needs help in understanding workplace rules and appropriate behaviour with other people, especially women, before he lands himself in serious trouble - losing jobs, harrasment claims, police at his door.

People who are harrassed, bullied and stalked, rightly want it to stop. They don't and shouldn't have to care about why it is happening. They are not their colleague's therapist.

On a note of curiosity, if the rule is 'managers set and enforce rules, workers carry out tasks', surely that tells your DS that the rule is that he does not seek to enforce rules, as he is not the manager. To do so is to break a rule.

You need to get your line manager to escalate this, it's so not ok

Op I haven't read the whole thread but if it was me I'd start keeping a diary documenting all of this as he sounds like a stalker, watching you, following you to the toilet and trying the handle when he thought you was in there (that alone is sinister, why did he think it would be ok to try the handle if he thought you was using the toilet, ) you should document everything and complain to your boss each week until something is done

@lottie no he's not at the work stage so this isn't an issue, but would need a lot of training and supervision to ensure that he did not cross the line (whether he will be able to work or not is another issue) The OP's co-worker might never have had training, or identified needs/risk assessment, if the manager is laughing him off as 'a bit weird' that goes to show that not everyone takes safeguarding and training seriously.

Waiting in the dark to startle you is a thoroughly nasty bit of power play from a man who is clueless about the risks women have to take and the fears we carry in a world where every man is a potential predator.

Or it's power play from a man who knows damn well about women's fears and is deliberately stoking them.

OP I would use this thread to write a timeline of events and describe his behaviour. Go to your manager with a written report. Tell her you are now raising a formal, written grievance against your colleague. Make sure you go through your organisation's HR policies and follow them to the letter. Escalate it, and be careful when you do. They have a duty of care to you and in theory, since he is the one causing the problems, he is the one who should be moved. But there is a good chance he will escalate his behaviour. Make it clear that if this is not thoroughly dealt with you will go to the police as you feel threatened by this.

What he is doing is very creepy and very out of order. He's also being clever about it because each incident on its own could be dismissed as being lighthearted by someone stupid and unaware. It's the whole thing as a picture which then becomes harassment, but often you have to have experienced this to realise what it is.

He sounds sinister, if this was me I'd be taking up a martial art

she said she can’t move him unless he asks to be moved.

I suspect this is your manager taking the easy way out again. I find it incredibly unlikely that your contracts wouldn't required you all to work wherever you're direct to work - it could be worth checking your own.

Can you do some digging on him does he use social media?

OP - he knows that waiting in the dark is totally out of order. It's attacker-y, controlling and bullying behaviour. You should be pointing that out to everyone!

He knows you are afraid. Personally, I'd have given him both barrels if he'd waited for me in the dark! Not laughed about it, or justified why I used the lit corridor. You need to make a huge fuss about this.

Before he actually attacks you, or corners you totally.

This is awful, OP.
He sounds at best a dickhead, at worst a psychopath.

Why would you continually try and make someone scared? I HATE being made to jump, so I'd have left way before now.

Please do as other posters have suggested - catalogue everything in bullet points & in writing. Take it to your union rep and ask that they accompany you to a meeting with your line manager to set down formally your complaint of bullying & harassment. There should be a timeline & escalation guidelines in your Trust’s policy. Make sure you & your rep are kept updated at all stages. This needs to be dealt with quickly. Good luck.

Are you a Unison, or Unite, or similar union, member? You say you are in a union, so lean on the union for support. This is why you are a union member.

There will be a Women's Officer.

Ring your Branch, the number will be on your union card. and ask to speak to her and take her advice and support.

Get your union to approach HR with you. If your manager is incapable of taking this seriously, then I'm sure HR will take it more seriously if you get your union involved.

This is horrible, no harm at all in showing your union officer this thread, it tells your story well, and has a time line with it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Cross posted with Jimmers good advice.

I'm guessing as it's a hospital CCTV isn't an option?

The corridor thing may be a misplaced joke but equally he might have been planning to attack or grope you... you never know. I would go above your manager if she won't do anything tbh as he's edging into dangerous

Surely all this checking up on you means he's actually wasting time that should be spent working. Idiot. Don't apologise to him OP. He reacted way OTT.

This all sounds so familiar, sorry you're going through this. I have a colleague that acts like a controlling boyfriend.

He is constantly checking up on me even though we work in completely different departments! He comes to my desk and leans over to see what I'm doing. He also comes into my office at the same time every day as if it's part of his daily routine.

My HR dept just told me to tell him to go away 🙄 as if I hadn't already tried that! I now catalogue how many times a day he checks up on me and log every inappropriate comment.

Really hope your colleague gets the message soon! Some people have obsessive behaviours which can be really unnerving. It's not fair you don't feel safe/ comfortable at work