My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

I would also leave out any mention of it affecting your mental health, as suggested in an earlier post that otherwise gave very good advice on wording. Don't give anyone the chance to label you as an over-sensitive, hysterical woman who is over reacting. Emphasise the concern about your own safety from his behaviour, and also that he's a) stopping you doing your job efficiently and b) can't be doing his own job properly, since he spends so much of it watching what you are doing.

Oh god this sounds awful I really think you need to escalate this as soon as possible, no grown adult in a professional setting should behave the way he is.
Tbh I'd move areas, maybe to somewhere not so isolated? rather then hope he decides to move, just get away from him.
you definitely do not need this sort of stress in your life.

OP wow he sounds like a real nightmare! Your manager really needs to take this seriously. His behaviour has so many red flags. As it's a hospital and hospitals are notorious for having cctv everywhere because you know, sick, vulnerable people that could keel over or one doing a runner, is it possible to get the cctv footage from that area and from other times that he has followed you?

Of course you don't need to be wary about mentioning your mental health. Its not the dark ages.IF he is affecting it, then your employers have a legal duty of care to minimise the risk of injury to you in work. Mental or physical.

Yes purposely switching off lights?

That is serisouly scary and worrying.

Yes absolutely involve your LM... But please don't let her dissuade you....
Go above her head... IN WRITING

OP- please read the book the gift of fear by gavin de becker- every woman should read this book. Gives great advice for women who are being stalked or harassed in situations such as this.

@CopperCoinCollector How are things?

Regarding turning off the lights in the corridor in order to scare you, I would confront him about it even if it’s been a few days. Just tell him straight out in a killer voice ’Oh, you know the other day when you turned off the lights to try and scare me...don’t you EVER dare to do anything like that again. It is not a joke, and I will NOT tolerate it.’

And don’t engage in any explanation he might have. It is not funny, it is not a joke. Let him know he can’t use that as an explanation ever again.

Hi everyone.

I spoke to my manager on Tuesday about the dark corridor incident, I made sure to be very serious in my tone and said ‘what if this isn’t just him being annoying, what if it’s him stalking me? It feels like harassment to me, am I overreacting do you think?’

The way I said it seemed to trigger the manager in her and she took it very seriously.
She said to leave it with her and walked me to the area and asked him to go with her back to the office.
I could hear him saying ‘oooh, I must be in trouble’ in a mocking tone and she must have shot him a look or something because then I heard him very seriously say ‘what, what’s wrong?’

She later asked me to come to the office (he wasn’t there) and told me she’d asked him to explain in his own words.

He said it had been a joke and that I was making something out of nothing.
He also said that I never said anything to him at the time, my manager said that was because of how uncomfortable I felt and he replied that I hadn’t looked uncomfortable and had acted normally.
She told him he shouldn’t assume somebody is okay with something simply because they don’t say so straight away and that she was telling him now that I was uncomfortable and he must accept that.

She then reminded him that we’d had the chat previously about him turning up on my side etc and he said he couldn’t remember that chat at all

She then typed up some notes on what they’d discussed and asked him to sign them.

She told him that she would be escalating the complaint the next day and taking advice on whether disciplinary action should be taken against him at this stage.

He said that if I was scared of him then one of us should move area and she said she made a point of telling him that I never said I was scared, just very uncomfortable and that in her view that is bad enough.
(she said her reasoning for saying that was in case his intention was indeed to scare me, she didn’t want him to think he’d ‘won’ which I don’t fully understand but there you go)

We then wrote a list of everything he’s done so far and I signed it.

She apologised for not having done that sooner and told me to trust that she would see it through properly.

I was asked if I wanted to move to another area and I said that I didn’t want to yet so she asked if I wanted him moved and I said no to that too and let’s see how things go now.

She said that she’d asked the security staff to make sure they regularly check our area and said they are supposed to anyway but often don’t bother (I’ve never seen them there before!) and that she’d made sure my colleague knows this too.

Then last night she told me that her manager had been informed of everything and she has been advised that as I said I was okay staying where I am and hadn’t asked for him to be moved either that the situation needs to be closely monitored by her, I’m to go to her and tell her if anything else happens and she’s to report everything back in writing.

We have both been told that we can request to be moved at any point so I can’t decide if my managers manager is taking his side or something? I suppose that’s what happens when these things aren’t escalated soon enough.

Security are making a few quick visits to the area now and making a point of finding me and saying ‘hi, all okay?’ etc I’ve heard them do the same to my colleague too so that’s really reassuring.

Colleague hasn’t said a word to me since Tuesday, he’s avoiding eye contact even.

It’s a bit awkward but I’m happier when I’m working as I don’t expect him to turn up.
He’s making sure he’s gone before I collect my things at the end of our shift too, all lights are being left on!

I haven’t tried to speak to him or anything either, I will speak when I’m spoken to but if things continue this way I’ll be happy with that and if he’s not happy well he can request that move can’t he?!

Glad to hear your manager has taken it so seriously. It sounds like she is going by the book - and rightly so.

I'm not sure what you mean about managers manager taking his side? It sounds like they want to ensure it is monitored properly and action taken promptly if needs be but I may be misunderstanding you?

That's great news. I like the sound of your manager.

That is a relief to hear that they are now doing something about the situation even if your manager did take her time. He sounds a bit pissed off and maybe he is the one that is a bit "scared" right now - but stuff him. He brought this on himself. Well done OP and I am glad for you that this is now being acted on.

He can request to be moved so there is zero chance of a complaint being made against him, hence the offer I think.

Glad they are dealing with this by the book.

That's a much better response from your manager. This is why stuff like this should always go on record then no one can 'forget' chats where problems have been raised

I think it's a shame that you didn't at least suggest that you would think about asking for him to be moved. I hope that this doesn't mean that they'll come back with a 'well you didn't seem too bothered about it' attitude next time (I bet there will be a 'next time', once he's 'forgotten' what was said this time )

It's also a shame your manager didn't ask him whether he could think of any reason, anything at all, which would make a woman nervous about walking down a dark corridor, alone, late at night. And what the management would think of a man who engineered such a situation .

Honestly I am so angry on your behalf, OP. This man is so disingenuous, so 'innocent', so 'it's a joke' and he needs a bit of awareness drummed into him. Or he gets moved, retrained, or sacked.
Twat.

But hopefully he's been put back in his place for now.

Yesterday someone used the word 'sinister' in their post.
Describes him perfectly imo.
Glad some positive steps have been taken for you op.

I think I would have asked for him to be moved and for him to be told that he has no reason to ever be back in either of those sections and if he does appear, it would be viewed very seriously. I would worry that by agreeing that all is fine and you are happy to carry on working in sections next to each other, that you are minimising what he has done and how you feel about it.

I'm glad to hear that your manager has taken this seriously. I do understand what she meant about not telling him you were scared. He wants you to be scared (otherwise, what's the point of turning off the lights and planning to jump out at you?) so yes, he would have felt he'd "won".

am I overreacting do you think?
In future, don't ask that! Saying you're overreacting, is minimising your feelings. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks you're overreacting, you feel how you feel, and you wouldn't be feeling like this if he behaved in a normal way, instead of trying to scare you, creeping up on you, constantly checking up on you, and following you to the toilet he thought you were in, etc.
You most certainly are NOT overreacting!

I think I would have accepted their offer of moving him though, especially as he seems to have a bad memory about any warnings his manager gives him. Of course, he does remember it, but is saying he doesn't, because then he'd be admitting that he'd ignored his manager.

It's really good of you to update so comprehensively OP:)
Colleague hasn’t said a word to me since Tuesday, he’s avoiding eye contact even
my thought is, maybe watch out he doesnt try and 'DARVO' (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) ie make out that he's the victim here.
This I think is also telling:
oooh, I must be in trouble
his first impulse is to mock and deflect

Do you think it was use of the words 'harassment' and 'stalking' that made her wake up..ie putting it into terms which speak to the offenses that he is committing, perhaps that told her that you know what's what and if she doesnt step up you will escalate the complaint further and her head might be on the block?

You need to write down every single incident for a month in detail then take it to your manager. Then there is evidence and they can do something about it.

I think you should have asked for him to be moved. You’re still downplaying this and he will misinterpret that as a mixed message.

Be careful that you don't minimize his awful behaviour in terms of your working relationship Op. He's not going to change, knows that you have reported him and could get nasty. You can always go back to your manager and request that he's moved now.
Best of luck.

Well done, OP. We were all rooting for you to make a firm stance on this. Please update if there are any other issues because there is some excellent advice on this thread.