My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

@AngelsSins, I speculated that it might be ASD, simply because I can see my ds doing similar things if he went unchecked or wasn't given clear rules. This was not to excuse the man, he needs dealing with - but it was to give an alternative angle rather than the 'creepy predator out to take advantage of women'. Of course he could be one of those, and the ASD would not excuse his behaviour, but might explain his lack of boundaries.

@AngelSins is absolutely right. There is no excuse for his behaviour. OP should not try to diagnose him. We don't care about him or his feelings. It's should not be about him.

@Chillyourbeans is also spot on.

Great advice to follow, OP.

OP. You should not have to put up with this.

As an insurance policy, could you consider asking your union rep if you could use a 'body worn camera' when at work? Given you are a 'lone' worker you could sell it to them as a safety solution?

The type of thing Police, Security and other public facing workers use? I know there will be issues with Data Protection as you may not be in a public place in your workplace.

Some cameras have built in GPS (so evidence of where you were when footage taken) as well as others with night vision type facilities.

I know it seems extreme but think of it like a car dash cam or similar, you only need use footage if there is an issue (a type of additional insurance for personal safety).

Just reading your post has my 'Spidey Senses' all tingling. He is weird at best and someone needs to speak with him to cease and desist with his behaviours.

Is he well? Just asking as he seems overly invested in you? I would put in headphones and just ignore him. Speak to your boss again and see if there is a chance you could be on opposite shifts to him as he sounds super odd and quite creepy. I don't think I would feel very safe working with him.

I got goosebumps reading this. I hope you are ok OP. I get a really bad feeling about this.

Please keep a small notebook with you and document everything. It will be with its weight in gold when it comes to escalating this.

OP, next time he waits for you or asks to leave with you say decisively that you are waiting for DP and he can leave alone and give him a hard stare until he leaves. Then pretend that you are getting ready. If needed finish it off with a statement that you have to make a private call in a manner that implies that he is too callous, inconsiderate and thick and shake your head "well?" and move your hands for him to go, then sigh slowly and say "oh Gooood" as he is leaving. If he still insists add "this is UNBELIEVABLE, this has NOTHING to do with you, we are not joined at the hip". If he waits for you outside to "catch" you lying tell him visibly angry it has nothing to do with him whom you leave with

And escalate the greaving procedure as others have suggested.

This all sounds so familiar, sorry you're going through this. I have a colleague that acts like a controlling boyfriend. He is constantly checking up on me even though we work in completely different departments! He comes to my desk and leans over to see what I'm doing. He also comes into my office at the same time every day as if it's part of his daily routine.

Constantly arrange appointments and meetings for the time he comes into the check on you, or just arrange to be out?

Better still, challenge him every time: "Why do you need to see what I'm doing? Why do you always come into my office at exactly this time? Haven't you got your own work to get on with?"

you have had some good advice OP - but you really need to put this in writing, either letter or email to your boss and escalate the hell out of this. This sort of behaviour is not acceptable from anyone.

Thank you all for your messages.
I’ve read every single one and I know what I need to do.

Some points that I should make;

I don’t want to just go over my managers head as I don’t want to cause ill feeling between us or anything, she will continue to be my manager after all.
I like the idea of involving her in my taking this higher, asking her to assist me. Then if she doesn’t it’s not like she doesn’t know what I intend to do.

When I say we leave together I just mean that we leave that area of the hospital together as both of our shifts are about to end and we need to sign out before we leave the actual hospital, he’s always first out of the building. My DP if he’s meeting me would be sat in the car right by the doors.

For the avoidance of doubt, when he left the area early last night to ‘make a call’ the corridor light would have been on, he turned it off and then lay in wait for me.

He’s a fucking horrible person, isn’t he?!

He gets along with most people at work as far as I can see, most of what he’s done with me has been when it’s just us. Occasionally my manager has been with me when he’s appeared and he’s made an excuse but I’m sure she knows that she’s actually witnessing the behaviour that I’m upset with.

For the PP who said I should stand up to any protests that I would allow others to have similar ‘banter’ with me. You’ve got that so right, I really worry because I will happily play along with real joking about but that’s not what this is.
So others might not take me seriously.

Another worry is that as far as everyone besides my manager knows, we get along fine. If there’s laughing and chat when we’re signing out I join in and I’m never outwardly hostile towards him, so again I might not be believed.
My word against his because, yes, I’ve gone about complaining in totally the wrong way. Dripfeeding these almost non-events, and I need to put a bigger picture together.

I also am much more willing to accept that I may be the one to move, as he will still know where I am if they move him and he knows the area well.

You're engaging in classic female self-blaming, self-limiting behaviour. Very normal. But the fact is that his behaviour is nothing to do with you - in the sense that you are not doing it, not causing it (and he'd probably do it to almost any female colleague). You have no responsibility at all for what he is doing. Nothing you have done or could do, would be its cause.

He is doing this, all by himself. He is responsble for his behaviour.

Involving your manager in your formal complaint is a good idea. (Basic of principle of always complain to someone and give them a chance to rectify things, before you complain about them to someone else).

Do talk to the union staff about the process. They may be able to attend meetings, as necessary, too.

I don’t want to just go over my managers head as I don’t want to cause ill feeling between us or anything, she will continue to be my manager after all.

I think trying to involve your manager in taking it further in the first instance is a good idea but I would (kindly!) point out that you seem to put other people’s feeling before your own a bit too much. You might benefit from getting a bit more assertive about the need for others, like your manager, to consider how they can please you instead of the other way around all the time.

@Equanimitas Thank you, these are my usual tactics but if I leave my desk, he follows me out the office. If I'm on the phone, he will stand and wait.

Sorry I drip fed, didn't want to hijack OP's post. I have had it out with him several times (publicly and privately) i always get the same response "I know, sorry". If I bluntly tell him to leave me alone, he will for a day or two and then the cycle all starts again. He does have a lot of social anxiety and he's clung on to me because I've shown empathy for him before. I've asked him why he does it and he says "just checking how you are". He's done some other really odd things, but don't want to take over the thread!

Sorry you're going through this OP, you feel pushed into a situation you don't want to be in, that you didn't ask for, and that you now have to try and resolve. Just know his behaviour is not your fault.

Bet there are cameras up if he denies his tbf fucking odd /nasty behaviour.

@coppercoincollector I wouldn't worry about not being believed. If you put it all down in writing with dates as best you can and reference the talks you have had with your manager then you've done what you can. There's an unpleasant undercurrent to his behaviour that would be difficult to put your finger on (hence why he has been getting away with it) and no one would have expected you to tackle it all guns blazing. Your employer has a duty of care towards you and you have already raised this with them so they are the ones at fault for not taking your welfare seriously enough.

I would seriously question whether this man should be working around vulnerable people. Who knows who was in the toilet he was attempting to access. A patient, a visiting relative or someone in for tests? He can tart it up as concern for you all he wants but his pattern of behaviour exposes that for the lie it is.

@Mimi91 your colleague is outrageous!

I've asked him why he does it and he says "just checking how you are"

"I don't need checking up on, please stop doing it" should suffice ... although I imagine he will comply for a day then revert to his obnoxious intrusion into your space?

For the avoidance of doubt, when he left the area early last night to ‘make a call’ the corridor light would have been on, he turned it off and then lay in wait for me

THAT is fucking sinister! I thought he had deliberately tried to catch you in a corridor that was unlit because of maintenance problems - for him to have actually turned off the lights is horrific! Make sure you emphasise this when you report.

"I would seriously question whether this man should be working around vulnerable people."

I totally agree with crookedhouse here. I wouldn't like to think someone like this was creeping about the hospital when I or any of my family, were ill.

@messolini9 yeah exactly! If I have an email open, he just comes up behind me and starts reading it! I now lock my screen and say "can I help you?".

There have been comments on my appearance "what have you done with your hair?!" Controlling boyfriend vibes 🙄

The other week he told me I had a mark on my bum 😳 and then came to my office later to ask if I had cleaned myself up!!! Ever since I changed my work hours, so has he, so we always turn up and leave at the same time...I've also confronted him about this.

Unfortunately, HR just say it's his way and to just keep telling him to go away.

Now I'm pregnant though, I will be even more forceful with him. I don't know if it's hormones, but I've been very grumpy assertive lately!

For the avoidance of doubt, when he left the area early last night to ‘make a call’ the corridor light would have been on, he turned it off and then lay in wait for me.

WHAT?!?!?!

That's terrifying. Please do something to ensure your safety. The fact he feels he can behave like this because you are isolated from other people during your shift is horrible. I'm sorry you're in this position but you need to safeguard yourself if no-one else is going to do it for you.

Op you have not gone the wrong way about reporting to date, as a pp said it would be weird to go in all guns blazing at first and HR would typically ask if the informal steps like directly asking the person to stop etc have been taken. Also, your Manager could put the pieces together and see the big picture if she chose to. I have a very similar situation to you except the colleague in question has known previous form. HR and management seem completely clueless about coercive control/male-female harassment, refuse to see it in that light AND we are a government agency charged with policy work on violence against women. Enough to make you weep.
I have taken safety precautions outside of work and would urge you to do the same. We all think it won’t happen to us but honestly given what you have told us there is enough there already to flag up this guy as a serious concern. Keep safe and keep us updated 😊

Have you been in touch with your union at all?
You don't need to keep trying to do this on your own.

Also OP- it took me ages to see my situation for what it is and really only happened after other women came forward to say he had done the same to them. And I looked for fault in the way I had behaved etc, would make plans to escalate but then would have a ‘good’ week and think no I am being unfair. He kept slowly escalating to the point where I thought, what will it take for me to call it? Actual physical harm?
Some of the other women have partners in the police/military and they called it really early on, based on their experience.
It’s hard when you are in it, but viewed from the outside it is all too clear. This is one of the faces of violence against women. This is what it looks like.

I agree with the posts above OP - please do take this seriously and act on the advice (even if you feel uncomfortable about how it might appear to others or how it might make them feel).

You’re not safe working alone with this absolute idiot.
I hope you get it sorted.

Unfortunately, HR just say it's his way and to just keep telling him to go away.

They are just as outrageous as your colleague then Mimi.
You are being harrassed with unwelcome attention & they should at least have a word with him, telling him to leave you alone.

Op, I'm glad that you are planning on escalating your complaints about him. When reporting the incidents, please be sure to describe your working conditions ie that the two of your work alone in a quiet isolated part of the hospital where there are rarely others around. Managers who are unfamiliar with your job may need that spelling out. That after months of his behaviour he is now escalating to turning lights off in order to catch you in an unlit corridor and that you fear for your safety working alone with him.

He sounds like a psychopath toying with his victim. I would want your managers to spell out to you what they plan to do in order to protect you in your workplace. I would not be happy to work another shift alongside him. I think your idea that you should move to a different area so he does not know where you are is a sound one - even if he loses his job (which I think he should).

I also would not use the term 'joking' in any of your reports.

Good luck