My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

He's carefully pushing the boundaries, grooming you to accept as normal behaviour which is more and more sinister and threatening

I have worked in places where he would be instantly dismissed for the "arse" comment alone, to say nothing of hanging around outside the toilet waiting for you (I mean, wtf??). And the incident in the corridor is straight-forward harassment - as many others have said.

Make an appointment to speak to your manager, in writing if you can. Say explicitly that this is what you want to discuss and that you do not want him to attend the meeting.

Take a written record of what has happened to the meeting. Make it clear that this is affecting your work and home life. If you manager doesn't take some action by xxx date, you will escalate the issue. You will involve the union. You will go higher in the organisation.

(Or involve your union beforehand, if you prefer.)

Then, do exactly that. This is unacceptable behaviour. If he's simply moved somewhere else, who's to say he won't do the same with someone else?

He comes to my desk and leans over to see what I'm doing
He's acting like a controlling boyfriend, you could always act like the batshit crazy girlfriend grab his collar and nut him as he leans over your desk
wouldn't you just love to... I'm joking and it's not a joking matter Mimi, I hope you can get this vile creep dealt with 😡

The following you to the toilet is creepy as fuck and I would definitely report that specifically to your manager

He is monitoring you, building up a profile and mental dossier for the purposes of harassing and intimidating you, he gets off on it it makes him feel Powerful
you need to take control and start building up a profile of his behaviour build a case against him
Take the power away from him

Or you could just say what are you doing, why are you following me to the toilet you weirdo??

You need to report the arse slapping comment to your manager and to HR. He’s harassing you.

Also ask if he can be moved to a different section of the hospital or do his sections at different times from you. But given the arse comment they will have to have a word with him as that’s not acceptable. Once you’ve reported this the onus is on them to deal with it. You need a formal record here not just telling your manager so you can protect yourself if things escalate or get more complicated.

OP you have some good advice here & I hope you have already started documenting this creep's entire campaign of harrassment & intimidation. Your manager is being useless, & her comment that "I can't move him unless he asks to be moved" is bullshit. If your manager were doing her job properly, he would already have been warned & disciplined - & removed if he did not stop his antics.

I'm more concerned about the damn toilet incident than even the dark-corridor-jumping. The creep is deliberately pushing boundaries, & has a worrying sense of entitlement:
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’
WTF?!!!

Firstly, whether & when you visit the loo is not his concern. He has no professional reason for hounding your every movement, commenting on it, & clockwatching you as if he were your supervisor. That alone is beyond the bounds, & the constant commentary is personally invasive.
Secondly - what on EARTH was he doing trying to engage with you while you are in the loo? Who does that? Where are his manners ffs?
Thirdly - "I tried the door but it was locked" - that is SO threatening, so worrying, so out of order .... does your manager even know about this? Supposing the door had been unlocked - would he have felt entitled to walk in on you, brandishing his stopwatch & demanding you report to him? Then what?
Fourthly - & this is where your manager has seriously dropped the ball, as it's easier for her not to bother about how much it is affecting you - his outrageous sense of entitlement. He actually felt within his rights to follow you to a loo, try the door to see if it was locked, shout for you ... then upbraid you afterwards?

That, plus the arse-slapping comment & corridor-jumping should be grounds for an immediate verbal warning.
You are either not conveying this to your manager in strong enough terms or - far more likely - she is being limp & useless about it.

As PP said above, following your initial complaint & request for action, why did she see you both in her office, as if it were some sort of tit for tat matter? He needed bringing onto her office on his own, & the incident needed to be recorded in writing. You certainly need to start going over her head, because "rolling her eyes" isn't in the HR manual, & she is giving you zero support or protection.

Just wanted to say interrupt for a minute to say thank you for all you do - I spent most of last year living in a children’s hospital with my DD (who has a rare, cancer like immune disorder) and your work is vital.

Some sheros use mops.

Apart from that, I would definitely say go back to your manager, maybe you could be transferred somewhere else in the hospital and another male colleague could be found to work beside Mr Creepy? Or he could be reassigned somewhere with more people in the section so he w0n’t be alone with a female colleague at all?

The next time he jumps out at you, punch him in the throat only half joking

OP, you need to speak to your manager, and let her know that he is behaving extremely inappropriately. Nothing he is doing can or should be excused as 'jokey behaviour' because it's just downright creepy as fuck and I would absolutley smack him one if this happened to me

if he knocked on the door and try to speak to me while I was on the toilet I would find my deep voice and go 'oi fuck off you weirdo'
Because all of his attacks are just little things you rationalize them, join the dots, stop being polite, he is using your politeness against you

You need to go back to your manager now. Could you contact them before your next shift?

His behaviour is intimidating, unsettling, downright weird and escalating.

And if it's just you two working together, I'm actually worried for your safety if he's planning on 'making you jump' or 'slapping your arse'.

Please, please talk to your manager TODAY. Tell her you don't feel safe working with him. She has to take steps to safeguard you. Talk to your union. Get this on record.

This is grim.

I would be freaked out if someone was trying to susprise me in a darkened corridor, even if others were around.... Let alone being just the two of you... He's tryi g to destabilise you.

Checking your work would be bloody annoying and would have had short shrift from me... The toilet thing would be a red flag and a red line...I'm assuming your contact with your immediate boss has been verbal...??
I would have been refusing to work with him for this alone.... He's slowly harassing /bullying not knowing which way is up behaviours. It's gone way beyond sorting this out informally.
You boss sounds hopeless....

Now is the time... Put it ALL in writing. I would copy /paste and edit from what you've put here. Say how frightened you are and that you've tried to sort it informally.

Copy in your boss... But send it to HR head... Assuming you're in an NHS trust they will take this VERY seriously. Ask for an immediate meeting as your feeling frightened and its dragged in too long.

He needs to be sacked or at least moved/put on final warning

OP, if I were you I'd document everything with dates and with a note of his wording as exactly as you can recall it.

When you take it to your line manager, there are certain phrases you can use which should make her take this as seriously as it deserves:

"I need to raise this formally now as despite your informal warning to him in November to stop checking up on me, he is continuing to do it"
"I find his behaviour is intimidating and inappropriate"
"I feel unsafe in the work place"
"This is affecting my mental health"

And be very clear what you want to get out of it e.g. "I would feel safer and more supported if he was moved to a different area".

Not wanting to frighten you but I'd put some safeguards in place for afterwards because if this behaviour is arising from stalkerish tendencies, he could react angrily and try to confront you. Consider alternative routes out of the hospital, try to have your DH meet you at the end of every shift, buddy up with other staff who might be around nearby even if not in your precise area, maybe consider an attack alarm if you're alone in a quiet part of the hospital (not saying he will actually attack you but he's already shown willingness to hide in the dark and jump out at you). Hopefully all of this would prove to be unnecessary over-caution but better safe than sorry. He's a nasty little bully and I hope you can get him out of your space and out of your head.

if he knocked on the door and try to speak to me while I was on the toilet I would find my deep voice and go 'oi fuck off you weirdo'

It wasn't the OP on the toilet, which means he got someone else and freaked them out instead. I think that when the OP escalates this it is worth pointing out that it's not just her affected by this. It might be the push her manager needs.

One of the most revealing things a manager said to me was that when staff weren't getting on, she just hoped they'd sought it out and the problem would go away without her doing anything. It sounds as if the OP's manager is from the same school of thought - if I do nothing it will all go away. I wish managers would realise that it never does. Instead, it all blows up as a grievance, when it could have been nipped in the bud, or the good staff you want to keep leave, whilst the bullying scumbags stay on to make someone else's life a misery.

Please escalate this in writing asap. OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg roadmap to what to say is perfect.

OP, I am concerned that you two still leave together (just WHY?) while you want him to back off or that you laugh off his effort to scare you in the dark. It is NOT funny and your response should have have been more with a stern "no, this is certainly not on and very inappropriate. I have never encouraged you to behave like that with me, especially after trying to open a toilet where you thought I was in". If he tries to say it's a joke again "I don't find it funny" and keep repeating after his jokey excuses "it is up to me to decide whether I approve of your behaviour and I do not condone such behaviour. I have not given you such liberties". If e.g. there was another colleague whose attempt to scare you you would find funny and he dared complain "but you don't let me do it, unfair boo hoo" your response would be "yup, again it is up to me who I allow to play games/be friendly with me, my choice".

Also it seemed obvious from the beginning that after the initial chat with the manager trying to report everything to your manager was going to make you look like the complaining, paranoid person. Complaining about small incidents seems like you being hard work and more like moaning or picking on his behaviour and her thinking "oh, another 'joke' ". But all the incidents together add more value and paint a different picture. Therefore if you had followed a more formal procedure about his overall behaviour instead of adding one more of his "jokes" it would have appeared a lot more serious.

Among his more recent attempts the slapped arse comment in itself is very serious though.

No matter what he replies that you do not take any jokes etc tell him "I don't need your approval. I am neither your GF nor your friend so you can pick arguments with me so I have to comply and agree with you and even my DP is not as controlling as you are. Back off".

Put in a formal complaint to HR about your colleague AND your manager. He's a complete freak and needs to be sacked or moved immediately. But your manager also needs dealing with. You reported being harassed to her and she thought it was a good idea to deal with it by talking to both of you at the same time. On what planet is that ok? And since then all she's done with your ongoing complaints is to roll her eyes at you. She also needs a serious kick up the arse from HR.

I mean, even if he was your DP or friend he would still have no control over when you go to the toilet

I agree, do what Iceberg suggests. You need to go back to your manager ASAP. Don't just leave a letter, speak to her in person and hand over a dated letter. He needs to be moved away from you. He sounds way more interested in you than he is in the job.

You reported being harassed to her and she thought it was a good idea to deal with it by talking to both of you at the same time. On what planet is that ok? And since then all she's done with your ongoing complaints is to roll her eyes at you. She also needs a serious kick up the arse from HR.

This. You need to tell her how to proceed, because clearly she doesn't know/care. She should not talk to both of you at the same time, she should have HR present when she speaks to him. Don't minimize to save anyone's feelings. Make it clear to her that this must be taken seriously. Handing over a formal letter helps in that way, because she can't say it's not a big deal if there is a paper trail listing the incidents.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to escalate matters and raise a formal grievance in writing today. Make it very clear that your employer has a duty of care to you, that you do not currently feel safe and, therefore, they need to act immediately.

Following you to the toilet and attempting to catch you in an intimate act - that's sexual harrassment.

The slapping arse comment; he is speculating on what might give you sexual pleasure - that's sexual harrassment.

Engineering situations so he can scare you; he's trying to make you feel vulnerable and threatened - that's sexual harrassment.

A decent employer will see this and take it seriously. Please don't take any chances - escalate this now and get the creepy little git put in his place.

Don't even bother with your manager again - go straight over her head. I can't believe she spoke to you together after you complained about him and has done nothing to help you since. She is no use to you.

Just curious if you've googled his name or searched online for him? Cleaning at night is quite an unusual job for a youngish man so it makes me wonder if he has a record, or some reason why he is working unsociable hours and away from most other people. It's generally the type of job really sought after by parents, students or people needing part time for a particular reason.

Anyway I really hope you start the new year by taking formal action against this awful man.

I really wish people would stop suggesting autism - it’s irrelevant. All you’re doing is encouraging the OP to tolerate his behaviour at her own discomfort because he MIGHT be autistic. His behaviour is deeply inappropriate and the OP should not be guilt tripped into putting up with being jumped out at and followed to the loo.

OP, I think you’re still being far too nice. It’s not your fault, society trains us to be, but it’s time to start putting yourself first. When he told you he planned to jump out at you, you should have looked at him in utter horror and ask him why the hell he thought that would be appropriate. When he followed you to the loo, asked him what the fuck was so urgent that he thought it acceptable to try and walk in on you in the bathroom. You’re allowed to show outrage at his behaviour, you don’t have to pretend it’s ok. Question him, don’t be scared of upsetting him because he clearly doesn’t give a crap about upsetting you.

Shake off the “be polite, be kind, be nice” mantra that you’ve been taught and embrace an assertive, take no shit, back off attitude when dealing with this guy - it’s honestly so empowering!

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, it’s not right that in 2020 men still think they have some kind of entitlement over women, and managers often turn a blind eye.