My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

Just to add, I would absolutely NOT be wearing headphones or anything that dulled my senses with this man around me, just in case. He already creeps around, if he knows you can't hear him, he'll feel more able to scare you. Unless of course you wear them but have no music on through them. But I think either way it is not really going to help. What should help, is taking the complaint further until he stops or is moved, or you are moved.

You said you're a member of a union didn't you? Give them a ring and ask for their help in dealing with this.

Don’t bring in your partner as it weakens your position; just report to your manager and directly ask for help-if they can’t/won’t then report to HR

When you report it further up stop minimising the effect on you.

Him waiting in dark spots is bloody terrifying, saying he wanted to scare you shows he is deliberate in his scare tactics. He is making your work untenable as he is deliberately making you scared... you work alone, at night and he has full access to you... find your trowel and lay on the fear factor!

As others have said demand changes, make it clear you do not feel safe, you need your employer to manage this properly.

Best of luck!

You shouldn't be terrified at work OP, wondering if a weird man is going to jump out at you... it's very wrong.

@melissasummerfield good advice.

In fact, it was totally inappropriate for your manager to discuss what is essentially a bullying incident, with your both in the room together. What you describe is harassment, not a conflict between two employees.

Go over your manager's head and pursue this; sounds like he is fixated on you and in a potentially nasty way. Well done for listening to your gut instincts too.

He sounds really creepy. Speak to your manager again and put your concerns in a formal letter. He is harassing you !

Op, this is sexual harassment.

"He made an inappropriate comment asking me if I’d like it if a certain coworker ‘slapped my arse’."

He is escalating this behaviour. I strongly suggest you make a list of what he's done and dates/times and all your manager for support in taking this higher. I agree with a pp, he is hiding and jumping out at your to highlight to you how vulnerable you are. The toilet thing and hiding in an unlit corridor is really, really scary. I've been sexually harassed at work and it was partly why i developed anxiety and depression which led to suicidal thoughts. Don't downplay the effect this stuff can have on your mental health. You deserve to feel safe at work.

I'd ask for him to be moved or a complete ban on him coming into my area, if at all possible, if they won't move him. He doesn't clean it so has no reason to be there.

He seems to spend more time looking for you...I would be watching him too!

This man is ‘rehearsing’, finding out how far he can go, what does/does not unsettle or terrorise you.

Sounds extreme I know, but as your behaviours change, he changes his tactic to unnerve & unsettle you. He is running you.

Document every thing.
Go over this thread & lay each incident out on a time line.
Every day as routine fill in your own log sheet.
If need be, wear a small digital recorder (uses batteries)
or a voice recorder app on your phone running throughout your shift- you can get microphones with universal jacks where the recording head can be clipped into your bra. Don’t ask.
In UK, you can easily record without the other’s consent if the recording is for your personal use. Stash this data every night to another devise - to complete your own records & as there are never any witnesses (no coincidence) you may one day need to play it back to an independent third party.

Get formal.
Get moved out of his orbit.
Get on with your life without him near.

What a pain in the arse! This would piss me right off. I had a colleague who talked constantly and I couldn't bear it so I 'fell out' with her and she stopped speaking to me, it was bliss. Maybe you should fall out with him

There is nothing funny or jokey about a man lying in wait in a dark corridor, late at night, in order to scare a woman. Nothing. If someone did that to me I wouldn't return to work until he was removed.

What a creep. I agree with others - this is bullying harrassing behaviour. I also agree that this is the point to involve the union. They are there to back you up in situations like this.

You need to do something about this today. Don’t wear headphones. Don’t accept the behaviour. It’s getting worse. Who knows what he would have done if you had walked down that corridor.

Planning to jump out on you in the dark in a deserted hospital at night is seriously creepy, as is the rest of his behaviour. I agree with a PP who has commented about the possibility of ASD. I have an autistic male relative who is well-meaning but lacks insight and social skills and says and does some very creepy things and Copper's description reminds me of him.

When he suddenly appears and startles you, how about screaming instead of pretending he hasn't 'got' you? It might put him off doing it again and if it brings a security person running and you can explain that your colleague keeps appearing out of nowhere and scaring the bejaysus out of you that could come in useful.

You really need to make a formal complaint. I would be inclined, after listing my complaints about his behaviour, to say that he seems to be a good cleaner and he might be happier if he was teamed with another man who could model appropriate workplace behaviour for him. Because that's what he needs to learn, isn't it?

The ‘slapped your arse’ comment and trying to catch you in a dark corridor to scare you are both completely unacceptable. He seems to be gradually escalating behaviour.

I would write a log of all incidents, typed up in a word document, with dates and times if you have them and quote him verbatim where possible (like the ‘slapped your arse’ comment and take this to HR/the union.

In one of your earlier comments you said that would tell him ‘he is not to take it personally’ that you were off him. That is very appeasing language, you don’t need to give him that assurance. Please don’t feel you need to justify yourself to him anyway. (I know that was a few weeks ago).

He sounds unhinged and creepy af! I wouldn't want to be working alone with him. I would escalate with your manager, stress that you feel unsafe and freaked out by it. You are doing an important job to a good standard despite having had it tough in your personal life, I am mad on your behalf!

The corridor incident is really chilling. Go to HR today and say you want to formally complain, and tell them you are a union member and will be raising it with your rep for support. Don't feel this is in any way overstating things - if anything you are understating the problem.

You need to have his behaviour on record. As others have suggested, document all the incidents, both old and recent and send an email to your manager.
Tell her the way this makes you feel. Say it is making you feel unsafe in the workplace. If appropriate copy the email to another manager/HR or colleague/ union rep.
Say what action you want taken and that you would like to discuss this in private - not with this creepy guy present.
So far it's just your word against his, but the whole corridor thing would make me seriously concerned. His behaviour is now affecting your mental health and workplace behaviour. It is anything but a joke.

I agree with escalating this. He has you living with constant stress and feeling under threat. No one has the right to do that in the workplace (or anywhere else).

He probably has an abusive and controlling personality, but you don't have to put up with being his victim.

Anyone making you feel uncomfortable in the work place needs investigating. He sounds like he's seeing how far he can go, taking small steps. It's disturbing. What if a man was doing this to your daughter?(hypothetically, don't know if you have a DD!) He needs to know it's not acceptable right now.

He is a creepy bastard. Report him, I know you have already. However you need to get out the open how uncomfortable he makes you feel. I’m not saying a moment he has bad intentions but trust your gut. He is creepy?

You can’t sleep because this is on your mind. There is your answer. Trust your gut feeling, always.

My ds sounds exactly like this man,

But would your DS deliberatley manipulate a situation so that he could lurk in a darkened corridor in order to jump out and frighten someone, housing?

This strikes me a sinister - or even dangerous.

Supposing he did this with a woman who had been the victim of an assault? It could have triggered horrible, terrifying reactions - she may even have had a breakdown. Even if he doesn't intend his actions to be unkind (and I think he does - I think it's a power thing), it has to be stopped.