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My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

324 replies

CopperCoinCollector · 15/11/2019 13:30

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/01/2020 19:07

Why didn't you ask if he could be moved to a different area? If he was working with another man he'd find it harder to harass anyone.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/01/2020 19:19

I think we're being a bit unfair to criticise the OP for not insisting he be moved.

She is trying her best to be fair to him (he doesn't deserve it OP, but I see where you're coming from).

But I think that as long as OP continues to note everything inappropriate that he does or says in future, then they will be able to monitor the situation and deal with it appropriately.

Don't let him get away with ANYTHING, OP. No "jokes", no banter, certainly no touching eg if he tries to put a "friendly" hand on your shoulder - go straight to your manager.

Well done for taking the bull by the horns. It's never easy, but if it comes to having to go to your manager again, it will be easier now you know that they are taking this seriously.

HarryDaylight · 09/01/2020 19:46

With the greatest respect, I think most responses have not been criticisms, but concern for her safety and wellbeing.

Butterymuffin · 09/01/2020 20:02

If he gets moved there is a risk he just gets to start this again with another person. I get that that's not the OP's problem as such, but I think it's better that he is told he has to change his behaviour or be disciplined,not get a pass to do it somewhere else.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/01/2020 20:11

Well done OP (and OP's manager) and thanks for updating.

I think that, in this instance and in general, you could usefully switch your default reaction to 'did I under-react?' as that, with a great deal of putting other people's feeling in front of yours, seems to be your habit.

You can always go back to your manager and say that, on reflection, actually you would prefer for him to be moved. You can do that next week, or if and when another incident occurs. Just make sure that offer was noted officially in writing.

I agree with pp that the manager's refusal to say you were scared was sensible. If this bloke is someone who gets off on scaring (as well as initimidating and seeking to dominate) women, then telling him he'd succeeded would have pleased him - and that feeling of success might have fuelled his behaviour.

Motoko · 09/01/2020 20:30

You can always go back to your manager and say that, on reflection, actually you would prefer for him to be moved. You can do that next week, or if and when another incident occurs. Just make sure that offer was noted officially in writing.

Yes, this. ^

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 09/01/2020 20:43

Don't think that you can't continue this conversation with your manager. It's natural to reflect and think of other things later.

Don't think that he will change personality. He's trying to change his behaviour at the moment because his manager finally treated it seriously. He didn't go home and think "actually I shouldn't have done that with the lights". This is who he is. So unfortunately you need to be on your guard.

It might be useful to read this thread from the beginning and write down each example of things he's done, including approximate frequency e.g. "most shifts", "happened once", "every chance he had". You can submit this officially so that it's on record. Unfortunately it is possible that he is on his best behaviour for a while before testing the boundaries again. You can protect yourself. You can keep talking to your manager. If you decide you're anxious at work, and want something else to happen (like moving him) tell her.

fazakerleyjackie · 09/01/2020 20:46

Thanks for your update. I'm so glad to read that your manager has finally taken things seriously. You come across as a very fair and kind person OP. Well done you, that took some courage. Flowers

Gemma2019 · 10/01/2020 00:45

I'm so glad your manager has finally stepped up. I think she was completely right not to give him the satisfaction of thinking he scared you, but instead let him think that he's just an annoying twat. It still sounds like a stressful work environment but at least it's an improvement.

CupoTeap · 10/01/2020 06:04

Well done, tough doing it but worthwhile

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/01/2020 09:09

With the greatest respect, I think most responses have not been criticisms, but concern for her safety and wellbeing.

Harrydaylight - In the light of your comment (above) I re-read the remarks, and think you are right - I apologise.

When I first read them I thought "That poor woman - she's steeled herself to do this and now people are picking on her", but I realise that people weren't "picking" - they were concerned. (As I was when I told her not to let anything even slightly inappropriate pass unreported.

I unreservedly apologise to anyone I criticised.

OP - You have done amazingly well. Hopefully this CreepyFucker will get the message. Keep yourself safe - don't start feeling sorry for him, or worry he might lose his job. If he does, it's on him, not you.

Flowers
candative · 10/01/2020 19:56

Well done OP, hopefully this knocks things on the head, stay vigilant and report any further nonsense at the first instance, it might be worth updating your manager in a week or so, to report that he has stopped communicating with you but you're okay with that/find it uncomfortable but better or whatever. She won't know if you don't tell her and she may we'll be worried about the situation.

JolieOBrien · 11/01/2020 06:44

Some men can be very creepy for example I had my hair done yesterday and was walking back to my car and this older man (late 50s) stopped infront of me and said "Very nice" I nearly told him to feck off but being older and wiser I just ignored him. I think he thought he was giving me a compliment but I just found it very weird.

confusedandtired99 · 13/01/2020 11:32

Hope it settles down for you now OP but don’t entertain any more of his antics. A normal person would be horrified to have made someone fee that way if it was unintentional... as he hasn’t apologised or shown any remorse it makes me think it was all very intentional. The moment it starts again (and sadly I think it will) go straight to your manager Flowers

JolieOBrien · 14/01/2020 03:59

I hope he has stopped this stalkerish behavior now OP

StarspaXxX · 21/01/2020 21:30

How are things now, OP?

Jaxinthebox · 29/01/2020 15:18

Hope everything is still ok OP

Bockbockcaboose · 03/02/2020 23:36

Thought about you today, OP.

Doginahat · 01/03/2020 00:10

I remember following this when I was lurking. Hope all is settled for you now?

BladeOGrass · 14/05/2020 19:40

Are you okay these days, OP?

user1498572889 · 14/05/2020 19:57

Did u sort it out OP

CaughtInAnnette · 12/05/2021 21:14

I still think about OP often.

cupoftea2021 · 17/05/2021 11:52

Oh dear
I think you need to give him nothing to feed on or off.
Keep it to pleasant hellos have a good day
If he pries into your business say you are busy or turn the convo around to him.
I would be asking he is monitored he's either a moron or a shit stirrer who is bored.
Can your manager check on him over a past shift any camera footage to see him tormenting you with doors,
I would be changing my rooms or round and habits to baffle him an opportunity to torment you. Does he have a crush on you ?
Do not apologise that could be giving him fuel to play mind games.
I wouldn't bite to much I would say oh here you are again and oh are you not busy today. Then walk away.
The s""" we have to endure to earn a living!

ItsCokeFFS · 17/05/2021 13:15

@cupoftea2021

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